Category Archives: Miscellaneous America

Do you want to know about America’s craziest patents? How about our worst reality TV shows? Are you curious about competitive beard growing? Do you wonder what that weird boil looking thing on your back is? We can tell you about all of those things (except the last one) and much much more in our Miscellaneous America section.

How Americans Can Con a John: An American Guide to Grifting

“Boy that’s a right nice dog yer got there.”

~A not-honest-John


We once accidentally stumbled onto a track by a British (ugh) group called “The Streets” which was called, “Never Con an Honest John.”  The entire song was step-by-step directions on how to grift someone using a dog from the kennel and convincing a stranger to assume the dog is worth several thousand dollars before tricking him into trying to buy it from you.  That’s because British people suck, and centering your scam around a dog is no way to go through life, EnglandGod.

That scam is called the Pedigree Dog, and it basically hinges on whether or not the bartender or store owner you leave the dog with is greedy.  You have the victim watch a stray dog you bring in on a leash, and have another con artist come in and claim to be a dog breeder willing to pay top dollar for the dog.  The victim greedily tries to buy the dog from you for less than the expert will pay, and the expert never comes back, leaving you with cash, and him stuck with a dog.

This is a fairly obvious example of a Con Job.  Like the great American film The Sting, swindling gullible and greedy people for money is a classic American institution.  While it seems unrealistic that someone would fall for this particular Con (some Con Men prefer to use a violin for this scam instead of, you know, a living goddamn creature), they absolutely do.

And we support the hell out of it.

And here’s to you, Mrs. Robbing-son

The term “Con Man” is short for “Confidence Man” because they have to gain the confidence of their mark, or target, in order to succeed.  And while we think that the Pedigree Dog is not that good of a con, and hate that we found out about it through the British, we do agree with the sentiment that you should never con an honest John, and therefore feel it is the duty of every American to know how to take advantage of those greedy-yet-naïve pillars of our society.  That’s why we are here with…

AFFotD’s Official Guide to Grifting, Conning, and Swindling

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The Army Smells Like General Patton

“Smells like PTSD.”

~The Army


When Americans are asked what they want to smell like, they tend to respond with slightly worried silence.  We understand that, it’s weird.  It’s personal.  And there’s no way to answer the question without sharing far more about yourself than you’d otherwise be comfortable doing.  If you say you want to smell “like rose and cinnamon” you probably are somewhat feminine and prefer sweet breakfasts over savory ones.  If you say you prefer the smell of axe body spray, you’re a douchebag.  If you respond by saying, “I want to smell like ropes and pepper spray,” uh, Jesus Christ you’re a kidnapper aren’t you?  Holy shit, you totally are.  You totally are.

So we’re not here to ask America what it wants to smell like.  We’d like to guess bourbon and cigar smoke, but maybe that’s just the optimist in us.  We’d at least feel pretty confident saying that “like General Patton” would be pretty low on most people’s list.

But the joke’s on you, because not only is there cologne that smells like General Patton, but there’s a whole line of colognes meant to smell like each branch of the American Military!  Because gimmicks are the only reason why we buy anything!

Which actually helps explain the popularity of T.G.I. Fridays.

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Holy Smoke Bullets are PEOPLE!

“*Unintelligible rage gargle*”

~Steven Seagal


America knows how to do vengeance pretty well.  Sure, England burned down our White House, but we helped shut down their longest running newspaper.  Yeah, Japan sneak attacked us at Pearl Harbor, but…you know…boom.  Once we figured out how much of a scam Columbia Record Club was, we ran those bastards out of business.  The point is, America loves getting even almost as much as it loves fatty food, and lord knows how America loves its fatty food.  In fact, if there’s only one thing that overshadows our insatiable revenge-fueled blood lust, it’s our pure-insanity driven invention ideas.

Now, we don’t talk about guns a lot here, because normally we’re busy eating double cheeseburgers, and we’re legally prohibited from discussing certain grease related accidental gun discharges until the judge sets a court date.  But, guns are extremely exciting for most Americans, and are even better than alcohol at artificially inflating your self-esteem.

We’re not gun nuts or anything, we just want to point out that Die Hard would have been a lot less exciting if Bruce Willis was using mace or a tazer or something.  Which is why our interest was piqued when we saw the perfect insane American invention that takes all the confidence building of guns, all the craziness of most of our inventions, and combines the two to scoop out delicious ladles-full of vengeance.

What we’re trying to say is…some glorious bastards in Alabama decided to make bullets out of dead people.

Lock and load, motherfuckers.

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The Boston Molasses Disaster of 1919

“It’s EVERYWHERE!  Oh God…it’s so STICKY…”

~Boston, 1919

Americans are not above tragedy.  Even the most American of us have been knocked down in their prime, while others slowly fade away into obscurity.  But one thing remains constant, there are certain fates that feel more American to befall an individual than others.  Various cultures have their own cultural expectations for loss, and some tragedies can be painted with a silver lining that can give solace to the rest of us.  When a building collapses, it shocks and saddens us, but when we find out that an aggressive orgy was the reason for the building’s collapse, we at least knew that the victims went down swinging.

Which brings us to one of the most delicious fatal disasters in American history.  We are referring to, of course, the Boston Molasses Disaster of 1919.

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America’s Rating System

“I want to see whatever movie is rated ‘Um holy shit.’”

~America’s movie going audiences


America likes going to see the movies.  Granted, they don’t always like going to see good movies, but movies are still seen nonetheless.  Of course, we don’t want children under the age of 4 seeing dismemberments, and we really like making it hard for thirteen year olds to see large projected breasts, so the MPAA is there to put arbitrary ratings on each movie.

Obviously, each of these ratings represents a different level of American values.  Because some movies like to have vegetables talk to you about Jesus, and are rated accordingly, while other’s like to say “motherfucker” while they explode the shit out of a plane.  That is why we are here with a handy guide to let you know what to expect when you’re watching a film of a certain rating.

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Wolves Howling at the Moon Shirts

“This is the BEST SHIRT EVER.”

~Some dude at a Trailer Park

 

Each area of American society can be recognized by their clothing of choice.  Business professionals enjoy the luxury of a tailored suit.  Short order cooks and pottery experts like smocks (probably).  Hipsters wear whatever the fuck will make you say, “Look at that fucking hipster.”  But there is one shirt that gives certain (cough, trailer park) demographics American superpowers.

Any T-shirt involving wolves.  Really, they’re all good, you can take your pick.

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A Road Trip of Roadside Attractions Through America’s Midwest: Part 3

“Daddy, mom said that we’re supposed to call the police if you start drinking behind the wheel again.”

~How many times does daddy have to tell you kids to shut the hell up?

America is a glorious, sprawling land, with a lot of weird shit out there.  As we’ve established in our first and second road trips through Midwestern America, the best part of driving through America is being able to stop and waste time at a whole variety of strange, exotic places.  Except for that spider-car.  That was terrifying as all shit.

AGHHHHHH FLASHBACK

After our last trip, which ended with several AFFotD staffers getting wasted at Mount Rushmore, we don’t really know what happened.  When we eventually woke up, we all were missing one shoe, one sock, and the sleeves of our shirts had been cut off.  Oh, also, our car was scattered around us in dozens of pieces.  Or so we thought.  Actually, our car was nowhere to be found.  Turns out we’re in Alliance, Nebraska, where we were greeted with this sight.

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America’s Dumbest Laws #6-10

“This’ll stop them there idiots.”

~New Mexican Legislature

As we discussed in yesterday’s fun fact, there are a lot of dumb laws out there.  So for every law like “Don’t kill people,” there’s an equally stupid law like, “Don’t kill endangered animals.”

And of course, there are the following dumb laws as well…

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America’s Dumbest Laws #1-5

“We can only hope that someday, a law will come that will be more idiotic than this law which we are trying to pass.”

~Every member of the Temperance Movement

We live in a society of rules and laws, but we exist as a society that would prefer to ignore the ones we don’t agree with.  And generally, law enforcement officers don’t care about the laws that we ignore, unless outdated definitions of brothels are involved, but even then Americans just find a way around it.  The fact is, many laws have been enacted in this fine land over the past 130 plus years (wait…2011 minus 1776 is…yeah that sounds about right) and not all of them aged particularly well.  But, instead of replacing them, we leave them on the books so that they can just stare at us, looking silly, watching us laugh at them.  Sorta like Andy Kaufman.

You had us at that one time you said that thing with the funny accent.

Since the AFFotD office has a running “felony” pool, we like to track some of the more obscure laws in the land for when we want to add something to our list of committed crimes, while avoiding most legal repercussions.  Maybe the way we keep score for our  “Who committed the most crimes” today game is faulty, but technically manslaughter is worth as many points as getting a fish drunk in Ohio.  So that’s why we’re here to each and every American heart out there the ways that they’ve been breaking the law, without even realizing it, in today’s edition of…

AFFotD’s Most Ridiculous American Laws of America

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Ridiculous Drugs That Were Once Medicine: Part 2

“Would you like the cocaine, or the opium?”

~God, Doc, you…you just GET it, man


As AFFotD has previously established through meticulous research, the early 20th century and late 19th century were ridiculous, especially when it came down to dangerous drugs that were legally available as “Medicine.”  Physicians back then treated medicinal treatments the same way a ten year old boy treats a make-your-own stir-fry buffet:  Just throw every ridiculous thing you can find in there and hope something appetizing comes out the other end.  The most common diagnosis back then was, “*shrug* probably?”  Doctors in the 19th century hated their patients so much that when they were told, “Hey, maybe wash your hands before performing surgery on people?” they responded with a resounding, “Fuck you.”  Seriously.

Being sick in the 19th and early 20th century was like being the black person in a horror film.  There’s not much of a chance that you’re making it out alive.  And speaking of horror films, most of the medical instruments back then looked like they’re from scenes of Nightmare on Elm Street that were cut out of the film because they were too terrifying.

“…It’s like…Robot Satan’s dick…”

Now, despite the high rate of hospital mortalities and genital mutilation (we can only assume), Olde Tyme Doctors did have one thing going for them.  A willingness to use ridiculous drugs as medicine.  That’s why we’re here to show you even more awesomely terrible medicinal ideas from America’s past.

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