Mad Anthony Wayne: Actually Batman

Posted on April 22, 2011 | 2 comments

“Too Italian.  What else you got?”

~Movie Executives at the suggestion of naming Marion Morrison “Anthony Wayne” instead of “John Wayne”

Being a General of the Revolutionary War is a pretty good point to have on a “Why I’m an Awesome American” resume.  Being the basis for the name “John Wayne” makes you worthy of an American Fun Fact of the Day.   Having your nickname insinuate that you’re balls-to-the-ceiling crazy?  Well, that’s just to be expected for the man who Batman was fucking named after.  All in a day’s work for Mad Anthony Wayne, the man who puts the “Do not fuck with me” into “America.”

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America’s Crazy Celebrity Mug Shots (Part 3)

Posted on April 21, 2011 | 1 comment

“You are absolutely not surprised to see we’ve been arrested.”

~Everyone appearing in this article

As we’ve seen in the last two days of fun facts, American celebrities like to really make it a point to let you know that they can get away with anything.  And below, the final group of celebrities, prove that this is pretty much true.  America is a great place to be famous!

…But that’s not stopping us from taking great pleasure in seeing these smug mug shots.
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America’s Crazy Celebrity Mug Shots (Part 2)

Posted on April 20, 2011 | 3 comments

“Ahhhh…Cocaine…”

~Robert Downey Jr.

As mentioned in yesterday’s fun fact, American celebrities take advantage of their wealth to practice their “I don’t give a shit” faces for mug shots.  Continuing with that theme, AFFotD presents to you the mug shots of (currently) respectable Americans.

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America’s Crazy Celebrity Mug Shots (Part 1)

Posted on April 19, 2011 | 4 comments

“Do I look crazy enough?  I want this shot to look REAL crazy.”

~Nick Nolte, 2002


America loves a good Mug Shot.  The photograph taken by police officers as you’re booked for a criminal charge truly proves the phrase, “A picture is worth a thousand words,” which is a term that we at AFFotD enjoy because reading hurts our brain, and you can pretty much figure out the plot of Yertle the Turtle without having to read the damn “story” anyway.  With a Mug Shot, we can see the whole series of events that led to that singular low point, all summed up with a smug look that says either, “I’m so making bail,” or, “Busted,” (depending on how rich and famous you are.)

Yes, seeing an average schlub like Johnny Half-Beard up there in cuffs being photographed by cops can afford us hours of entertainment.  The Smoking Gun is able to find enough people with butterfly face tattoos being arrested that they can populate the hell out of their site just by posting these things for everyone to point and laugh at.  But for every mug shot of a man making his face look like a shrunken head or moustache-tattoo-saying-“Ladies Love It” there are literally thousands of mug shots that are either boring, neutral, or actively depressing.  If Mug Shots of regular people were a football player, they’d be Rex Grossman- when they work, they’re glorious, but most of the time you’re just wondering why they’re on the field at all.

But Celebrity mug shots?  Of Americans?  Now that never fails to inspire.  When you see a celebrity’s Mug Shot, you know the following things.  A- the picture is going to show someone either incredibly smug, or incredibly wasted.  B- They are going to pay bail shortly after that Mug Shot is taken, so they really don’t give a shit.  And C- they’ve done far worse shit and gotten away with it.

Celebrity Mug Shots combines watching Americans embrace their status as above the law, while giving non AFFotD writing Americans a nice sense of Schadenfreude.  Actually, we’re not going to use that term, because German is not English, so we’re going to call it “The sense of Ha Ha You Fucked Up.”  Or HHYFU.  True famous Americans embrace the Mug Shot as the most public way to flaunt your fame and wealth this side of making it rain during the President’s State of the Union address.  Which, oddly enough, is how half of the AFFotD staff ended up getting their own Mug Shots (apparently chucking money and shouting, “Where my bitches at?” is not allowed in that setting.  Who knew?).  So, with that in mind, let us look at…

America’s Best Celebrity Mug Shots (Of Americans Who Clearly Don’t Give Two Shits)

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Insane American Patents

Posted on April 18, 2011 | 4 comments

“Has someone invented heroin yet?  Because if not, we should get a patent on that stuff.”

~Kurt Cobain

America likes putting time and effort into overly elaborate solutions to simple problems.  A common belief is that NASA spent over a million dollars researching a pen that could work in space, while the Russians solved the same issue by using a pencil.  Apparently, that is utter bullshit, and a pen for use in space was made independently by a company hoping to cash in on a “space-worthy pen” while American astronauts still used pencils.  The pen was only adopted because the lead in pencils occasionally would snap off and could cause mechanical problems inside the ship.

“THEY’LL CLOG THE INSTRUMENTS!”

But don’t let this common myth fool you, America still likes to go about things the long, hard, incredibly complicated and expensive way.  For example, when America had a series of Fruit Flies ruining crops, how did we handle that?  Pesticide?  Hell no.  Large bug zappers?  Get that out of our face.  No, America decided to research fruit flies to learn that their females only mate once in their lifespan, so they sterilized 45 million male fruit flies, doused them with pheromones, and set them loose to fire blanks at all the female fruit flies in the area.  That’s right, of all the solutions out there, America decided to actively neuter 45 million insects, make them sex crazy, and just let them go at all the female fruit flies.  That is not only insane, that is Americanly insane.  And we absolutely love it.

That’s why, we at AFFotD are going to show you some of the greatest American inventions that are absolutely useless.  Because nothing says “American” like wasting the time and money of dozens of people to create a product that no one needs.

Unfortunately for people living in log cabins out in forest preserves, America is a social culture.  We often require someone else’s assistance to get us through our everyday hazards, like riding tandem bicycles, or receiving the Heimlich Maneuver.  And some Americans would prefer to be anti-social.  If only there were a way to do something by yourself that you otherwise would need someone else to do for you.  Something like…

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Calvin and Hobbes is America’s Greatest Comic Strip

Posted on April 17, 2011 | 1 comment

“You’re not American if you didn’t cry at the end of ‘Field of Dreams’ or after reading the last panel of the last Calvin and Hobbes strip.”

~Official AFFotD Employee Manual


It’s a common misconception that comic strips are only meant for children.  Sure, most comics are created with children in mind, but really, the only difference between a sober child and a drunk American is height and reflex time.  And it’s a common consensus that if you ask most Americans what the greatest comic strip of all time is, they’ll either say “Peanuts,” “Calvin and Hobbes” or “No, that’s it, those are the only two acceptable responses.”

Calvin and Hobbes raised a generation of Americans, and helped usher the age of the “Children’s entertainment that was literate and accessible for adults” trend that unfortunately was replaced with “Uhhh what the hell is this trippy shit?”  It ran for only 10 years, which meant it only was around for 1/5 of the time as “Peanuts” but which also meant that it was featured in infinity times less MetLife commercials.  The first Calvin and Hobbes appeared in 1985 when its creator, Bill Watterson, was only 27 years old.

Bill Watterson was able to create two of the most endearing characters in American literary history, and despite the fact that he is a little crazy, he managed to craft an American masterpiece, which many of AFFotD staff members use as influence in their everyday lives.

Here is a list of ways that Calvin and Hobbes has left its indelible mark on American culture.

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America Fun Fact of the Day 4/16- Saturday Image of the Week

Posted on April 16, 2011 | Leave a comment

“No explanation needed.  Just run it.”

~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief

For today’s image of the week, we’re not going to use up precious precious internet words.  We’re just going to give you a picture of a pyrotechnic Muppet.


Have a great weekend everyone.

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Science: “Let’s Get Bugs DRUNK!”

Posted on April 15, 2011 | Leave a comment

“CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!”

~Science

You know what’s boring?  Math and Science.  Some people say they “like knowing what makes the world work” and “get a thrill from solving mathematical questions using logic and knowledge” but to that, we respond the way we responded to the kids who were good at Math and Science in Grade School.

Stop hitting yourself.  Stop hitting yourself.

In actuality, these areas of study, especially Science, are pointless.  Why should we care what an atom looks like?  And why are you going to try to spin said atoms really fast in a giant tube, when that clearly is going to lead to the destruction of the entire planet?  Really, the only thing part in science class we paid attention to was that thing on how genetic traits carry over from parents to children, because it sure came useful when our ex gave birth to that kid and we were able to know we didn’t have to pay child support because someone with blue eyes cannot have a kid with green eyes.  Thanks, science!  Screw you, Cindy!

But science does, every once in a while, go out of its way to do something to tell us, hey, AFFotD, Science can be pretty American too.  While we do have a team of scientists on our staff who invent things like bologna flavored vodka and vodka flavored bologna, we usually use science just for the silly, inconsequential studies, and not for hard hitting facts that help inform us of the very nature of our American ways.  Sure, we know how tadpoles respond to weightlessness in space, but does science ever study something that really matters?  To us?  Americans?

Apparently, the answer is, “Fuck yes, of course we do, get  your heads out of your ass, AFFotD,” because scientists have spent government money and months of their lives devoted to examining how bugs act when they are drunk.

Not that kind of Bugs, but your head is in the right place

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Pizza Hut Brings Us One Step Closer to Pizza Stuffed Pizzas

Posted on April 14, 2011 | 1 comment

“…Yes….Yesss….YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

Everyday, the AFFotD office brings in the most exotic, unhealthy American meals we can think of.  For example, today we ate Bald Eagle burgers.  They were surprisingly gamey, but we made up for it with a really inventive Dijon Mustard recipe.  We won’t tell you what’s in it, but we will tell you that it once was alive, and still is incredibly endangered (let’s just say it rhymes with Shcondor Eggs).   

Needless to say, we were fairly impressed when, over sixteen years ago, Pizza Hut tried to blow our mind by selling the stuffed crust pizza, with cheese straight up crammed into the crust of the pie.  That was a game changer, folks.  Percentages of pizza ingredients going uneaten plummeted.  Calorie intake skyrocketed.  There were suddenly thousands of backwards pizza eating sightings.

It’s why this image even EXISTS

So when we were going through our daily lunch options, and Pizza Hut came up, we discovered something unexpected.  Something wonderful.  Something…well, something damn amazing.

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Goose Island Brewmaster Urinates Publically (AFFotD News Item of the Month)

Posted on April 13, 2011 | 9 comments

“I don’t care if we’ve never done a News Item of the Month, this guy pissed in a goddamn pint glass, we’re writing about it.”

~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief

Much like how the Eskimos treat their elders, we don’t care much for newspapers.  Honestly, if we wanted to see dinosaurs, we’d go to a museum.  If we wanted to see a dead body, we’d go to the nearby creek with a stick.  But it’s not free admissions day at the museum, and it’s not a Friday by the creek, so why on Earth would we want to read a newspaper?

We’re telling you our stance on newspapers because while we were using some newspapers as kindling today, and we ran across a story that caught our attention for several reasons.  One is that it involved public urination, as well as alcohol.  But mainly, it brought to mind an AFFotD we posted just last week.

So we had to tell you, readers of the internet, about it.  Since, as we said before, newspapers are dying faster than the black characters in early 90’s horror films.

But apparently, Greg Hall, former brewmaster of the recently-purchased-by-Budweiser Goose Island got in hot water for filling up some pint glasses with his own urine at a bar the other day.

AFFotD was there.  And here is the recap.

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