The American States Of America: The Most American Qualities Of Every State (Part 7 of 10)

“Don’t worry, we’re not going to actually read this.  We honestly don’t care.”

~Current residents of California

america states of america

PART SEVEN

At this point, there’s not much more we can do to prepare you for this segment.  If you’ve been reading from the beginning of the series, you know that we’re going through every state to list their most American quality.  If you don’t know we’re doing that, hi there, sort of weird that you found this page after googling “Blake Lively Bestiality Sex Video” and you might want to talk to a professional about that particular fetish, but otherwise you can go back to the beginning of this series by clicking here.  Or you can just keep reading as we list the 31st through the 35th state to join this fine Union.  Starting with…

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The American States Of America: The Most American Qualities Of Every State (Part 6 of 10)

“I’m from here *points to arbitrary point on hand*”

~Every Michigan resident

america states of america

PART SIX

At this point, you likely are familiar with the setup here.  The American States of America takes each and every state, one by one, and tells you their most American quality.  Some states are great at drinking.  Some are great at inventing fatty foods.  We’re pretty sure one of them leads the nation in motorcycle-riding-obese-Dwarfs per capita.  We don’t know what state that is, but we want to go there right the fuck now.  But until then, we’ll just focus on the things that make the following American states so damn American.

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The American States Of America: The Most American Qualities Of Every State (Part 5 of 10)

“Oh, Chicago?  Al Capone!  Ratt-att-att!  Michael Jordon!  Swoosh!”

~Foreigners upon hearing the word “Illinois”

america states of america

PART FIVE

We’ve spent the last 6,000 words on this site devoted to each and every slice of Americana as represented by the American traits of every American state.  It’s not been an easy journey.  After our half-hearted endorsement of Mississippi, someone snuck into our office and started putting antifreeze into our coffee maker in an effort to poison our staff.  Luckily for us, the treatment of antifreeze poisoning is alcohol, and we’ve literally never had a cup of coffee that wasn’t at least 50% whiskey, but we still have come to recognize that you’re not going to please everyone when you set out to find the most American quality of each state.  Except for Rhode Islanders.  They were actually surprisingly pleased that we gave them a solid 350 words.  We think they were lonely and just thankful for the attention.

So, we continue onward, marching from the states we all are intimately familiar with all the way through Wyoming.  Do you know anyone from Wyoming?  Didn’t think so.  But you do know someone from the following state.

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The American States Of America: The Most American Qualities Of Every State (Part 4 of 10)

“No, this is MY Jack Daniels.  Don’t touch it!  MINE!  ALL for ME!”

~The greatest Tennessean

america states of america

PART FOUR

America has so many states, we can’t count them all right now because cards on the table we’re pretty hammered at the moment, but it’s at least twenty, and we know that because we’ve already listed the most American qualities of the first fifteen states to join the United States, and we’ve got a list of five more right here.  Fasten your seat belts, readers, you can ask yourself why you’d need seat belts while sitting at your desk (or while on the toilet—hi there smart phone users!) some other time, because we’re here to continue our American states of America feature with the most American qualities of states number 16-20.  For America!

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The American States Of America: The Most American Qualities Of Every State (Part 3 of 10)

“Thank God they’re finally getting to New York on this list.  New York doesn’t get enough written about it.  New York is the most important city in the most important state in the most important country in the world, and they’d better give it it’s due.  Honestly, just knowing that AFFotD is going to write about the most American aspect of New York gives me chills, because I can’t fathom how they could limit it to JUST one thing!  New York is THE cultural hotbed of the nation.  If it weren’t for New York, we WOULDN’T HAVE ANY CULTURE!  I honestly don’t see why you’d live anywhere else.  Sure, some people might rag on us, say we come off as entitled and just because we pay a thousand dollars to live in a closet space in Manhattan doesn’t make us better than anyone else, but to them I’d say that if you can make it here, you can make it ANYWHERE.  And if you don’t like the New York attitude, you clearly just don’t like being a winner.  New York has the best food in the nation, it has the best theater in the nation, all the best TV shows and movies are filmed here, our women are more attractive than your women, our men are more successful than your men, our babies’ shit has a less unpleasant consistency than your babies’ shit, if you’re in New York you know it’s for a reason, and it’s because you’re the cream of the crop, the best America has to offer.  And I’m not talking about those mindless drones tittering around Central Park with their cameras and their Kansas City notions, I’m talking about REAL New Yorkers.  The Lawyers in Manhattan, the Graphic Designers in Brooklyn, the…well I don’t know anyone who lives in Queens, but I do know that you, right now, wish you were us, and I don’t blame you.  Oh man, I’m so excited to see what they pick out as the most American part of New York.  You have no idea.  It better not be the Statue of Liberty, because that’s just for fucking tourists.  Maybe it’ll be that our parties NEVER stop, I mean, we ARE the city that never sleeps after all.  Man.  So excited.  New York is the greatest.  I’m the greatest.  Yeah.  I’m so great.”

~A randomly surveyed New Yorker

america states of america

PART THREE

As you may have no doubt surmised, we’re diving head first into part three of our epic ten-part series, The American States of America, where we list the most American quality of each state, and you deflate a bit with disappointment when you read what we have to say about where you’re from.  As we list each state in order of when they were admitted to the union, this will mark the first of our series where we start talking about states that weren’t among the original 13 colonies.  We know, pretty wild stuff.  Anyway, you’re clearly excited for the first state in this batch, so we’ll just get to it.

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The American States Of America: The Most American Qualities Of Every State (Part 2 of 10)

“Can’t we just say every state’s most American trait is their ability to get shitcanned drunk?  This is a lot of work, you guys.”

~AFFotD’s Article Transcriber

 america states of america

PART TWO

As we discussed in our first “American States of America” segment, America is the greatest country on Earth, and a large reason for that is that each and every individual state has uniquely American qualities and traits.  From Delaware’s beer to Connecticut’s Hamburger inventing, we went through the first five states of the union, in order of their admission, as the beginning of a ten part series going through every state and telling you why exactly they are awesome.

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The American States Of America: The Most American Qualities Of Every State (Part 1 of 10)

“Delaware.  We’re in Delaware.”

~Wayne Campbell

american states

Together, America is united as one boozy, overweight, hard drug dabbling awesome nation.  However, it’s important to remember that we began as a confederation of states, and each of those states very much has its own unique identity which is defined through their citizens, history, and contributions to American society.  If you’re looking for the best bourbon in the nation, you’ll probably think of Kentucky before, say, Alaska.  But that doesn’t mean Alaska doesn’t live life Americanly by shooting wolves from helicopters and getting paid for no reason other than living in a place not a lot of people want to be.

So when we at AFFotD look to exalt America, sometimes we have to look at each individual piece of the puzzle and determine the most American aspects of each state of this great nation.  That is why we are here to present to you a five part series listing the most American qualities of every state in the Union, in order of when they were officially admitted into the United States of America.  So grab onto your hats, and get ready to watch us frantically Wikipedia what the hell is in North Dakota.

america states of america

PART ONE

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America’s Strangest, Most Terrifying Hot Dogs

“Why would you go and do that to a perfectly good hot dog?”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

 cool dog

America’s tireless of cholesterol-boosting culinary delights have yielded some of the most delicious foods imaginable.  Our can-do attitude allows us to not only invent the key lime pie, it drives us to invent a way to fry a key lime pie.  We’ve crafted the perfect hangover drink, and we’ve learned how to make pizza alcoholic.  And of course, we as a nation are also responsible for the most efficient and glorious nitrate delivery system—the hot dog.  The hot dog is the epitome of America’s culinary excellence, but for every delicious meat tube scarfed down in an eating competition, there is a monstrosity created by someone overreaching to try to make a hot dog something it is now.

Hot dogs are cheap, delicious, American, and can support a multitude of region-specific toppings, but sometimes we go too far.  And while we salute those who try to push hot dogs upwards to dizzying heights, we also caution them that sometimes one may soar too high, and it’s best not to look down.  Especially when you are creating…

America’s Strangest, Most Terrifying Hot Dogs

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[REDACTED] Watches Things Get Flushed Down A Toilet

“Will it blend?”

~America

 baby machine

America has a fascination watching American appliances being used in a manner that would never be needed in real life.  While most of us would never use a blender for anything more complicated than a smoothy or an affront to the culinary arts, we’ll absolutely watch a youtube video where it’s used to pulverize an ipad or a live squirrel.  Do you put bricks in your washing machine?  Of course you fucking don’t, you’re not a psychopath, but now that we mentioned that as a possibility you totally want to see that done on a machine that you personally didn’t pay money for, don’t you?

This logic applies to toilets as well, as we can see in this awesome, pointless video with horrific sound quality where an old guy just flushes a bunch of shit that isn’t shit down his super toilet.  Sit back and watch it.  No, we’ll wait.

No, keep watching, he’s going to stop talking soon.

Yes, yes, that’s 20 golf balls, keep watching.

Okay, are you done?  Good.  Because we’re enthralled by this video, and we haven’t really heard from our good pal and undercover journalist, [REDACTED] lately, we figured we’d put him in charge of going through this video and discussing each and every thing that gets flushed in unnecessary detail.  Take it away, [REDACTED].

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The 10 Greatest Christmas Movies Of All Time: The Drinking Game

“Ca-ching!”

~TV Executives during Christmas film re-runs season

snowman

Christmas is a time of family and nostalgia.  Well, liquor as well.  And definitely presents.  Okay, so Christmas is a time of liquor and presents.  Still, nostalgia and family play an important part, and every family tends to have their own Christmas movie that they watch each year to get them in the holiday spirit.

Sure, you occasionally might see some terrifyingly misguided attempts to be “hip” to cash in on the holiday season, but no matter how many shitty country music stars you put in front of a live audience, the classic films we grew up with are what really give us our holiday cheer each and every year.

With Christmas right around the corner (AGHH!  ONE WEEK YOU GUYS!), we decided to count down the greatest Christmas films to ever come out of this fair country.  But, since everyone uses the holiday season as a flimsy excuse to drive their page views by coming up with a gimmicky top-ten Christmas film list, we decided we’d get to the true heart of the holiday season—getting drunk.

After all, drinking games bring American families together even better than classic holiday films, so why not combine these two wonderful traditions to help bring each and every family drunkenly closer together?  With that yuletide spirit in mind, make sure to put some extra bourbon in your already-spiked eggnog, and join us as we regale you with…

The 10 Greatest Christmas Movies Of All Time Drinking Game

 christmas tree

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