Category Archives: America’s Best Foods

America does food better than any other nation (shut up, France) and here are the most American of our culinary obsessions.

The Most American Restaurants of: CHICAGO

Posted on March 6, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Second city?  More like fifth coronary, amiright?”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

America loves to eat.  That shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone.  When you live in a country that has 14,000 McDonalds, 7,500 Pizza Huts, and 6,500 Dunkin’ Donuts, you know that you have a pretty large population of people who live to stuff their faces.  But while fast food chains are appropriately American, getting you unhealthy food quick enough that you can fat fat fatty FAT, it is truly the local American restaurants that are able to really embrace American culinary ideals.  Because sure, if Hardees wants to make a burger with twice your daily allotment of fat in it, people are going to flip their shit, but if someone has a heart attack in the midst of eating a 6,000 calorie burger, it’s fucking awesome (unless that man’s family is reading this, in which case we salute him for going down like a fucking boss).

That’s why we here at AFFotD are starting our latest American feature—the most American restaurants of major American cities.

So when we think of cities that thrive on unhealthy food and have so little shame that we’re pretty sure veganism is a considered a misdemeanor by its police force, we think of the one city that we’d like to start this segment out with.

The city of fat asses broad shoulders… Chicago, Illinois.

The Most American Restaurants of:  CHICAGO

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When Sodium Meets Sugar: America’s Best Sweet and Savory Combinations

Posted on February 14, 2012 | 2 comments

“And from whence the savory and sweet shall be wrought, it’ll probably taste awesome, like a bacon lollipop.”

~Hamlet, Act VI, Scene LXVI  

We’ve previously informed you of all the glorious things that now exist in bacon flavored varieties.  Yes, Bacon is the Neil Patrick Harris of foods- it’s impossible not to like it, unless you are a deeply morally flawed human being.  But when we talk about bacon, we forget about the entire subset of foods that bacon belongs to, and it’s interaction with other culinary areas.

Yes, if “Savory” were a cycling team, “Bacon” would be its Lance Armstrong (sorry, someone bet us we couldn’t make a cycling joke or a Lance Armstrong joke without mentioning steroids or testicle counting, so we had to make sure to win it.  We really needed the twenty bucks) but it’s important to remember that savory food items are an important part of American culinary creative process.  Because Savory allows us to bring in the sweet, and when the two are combined you get some glorious, completely unhealthy American food iteams.

So let’s take a look at America’s finest sweet and savory concoctions with…

When Sodium Meets Sugar:  America’s Best Sweet and Savory Combinations

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America’s Greatest Holiday Candy Traditions

Posted on December 22, 2011 | Leave a comment

“You’d be amazed how smashed you can get off eggnog when you’re tweaking on a week’s worth of sugar.”

~American dentists

Christmas is just around the corner, which means a handful of you get to take advantage of your opportunity to be a massive asshole by putting coal in your kid’s stocking just to see the look on the little bastard’s face.  Really dude?  You’re going that route?  You think that shit’s funny?  How do you even procure a hunk of coal to do that?  You suck, and your kids are going to put you in one of the cheapest homes in town when your mind starts to go.  But for the rest of you, Christmas is a time for friends, family, and alcohol but we said that one two times already.

But Christmas is more than just about presents and liquor.  It’s about tradition.  And obesity.  Both of which can be seen as we investigate…

America’s Greatest Holiday Candy Traditions

Don’t worry, not all of them will look like penises.  This one will, though.

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The American History of Mayonnaise

Posted on December 15, 2011 | 1 comment

“I make my own mayonnaise.  I do this either because I am pretentiously gourmet, or because I am technically too fat to fit out my door and run to the grocery store.  You decide.”

~It’s the second one

Imagine a swimming pool filled with Mayonnaise.  No, seriously, picture it.  You can’t get it out of your head now, can you?  And be honest with us- you’ve never once thought about that.   You’ve never wondered to yourself, “I wonder what it would look like if you filled a swimming pool with Mayonnaise.”  And now you can’t stop thinking about it.  That is our gift to you.

Yes Mayo is an integral part of America’s culinary tradition.  While it shockingly was not invented in America, it clearly was invented ahead of its time, since it’s a product clearly meant for America.  Come on, it’s 85% fat, and has 700 calories for every 100 grams of it.  Holy hell, that’s glorious.  So we’re going to only touch on the European-y origins of this thing, and focus on…

The American History of Mayonnaise

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Diners: American Drunk Food Delivery System

Posted on December 13, 2011 | 1 comment

“Where everyone knows your name.”

~That’s from Cheers, asshole

Quiz time, America.  It’s two in the morning, and you’re drunk…

“Tuesday!?”

No, stop…don’t interrupt us, we’re not asking what day it is or…

“If it’s two in the morning, and I’m drunk, it’s probably a Tuesday.  Or one of the other days that end in ‘Day.’”

…No, we know, that’s why you read AFFotD, but you have to let us finish…

“Is it right now?  Because I’m drunk right now.”

We sort of figured.  No, no, we were trying to say, hypothetically…

“I don’t know anything about math.”

You’re thinking of the word hypotenuse.  Try to focus.  You’re drunk, it’s a Tuesday, and you need to eat some greasy…

“Diner!  I’ll go to a diner!”

…Actually yes.  That’s what we’re here to talk about.

Diners:  American Drunk Food Delivery System

 

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Cranberries Can Getchya Drunk

Posted on November 16, 2011 | 1 comment

“This truly is an admirable little berry, tart in complexion, and sure to be an easy way to get the ladies smashed if you mix it with vodka.”

~Sir Walter Raleigh

 

A week from Thursday, all of us will take a well earned break to drink, watch football and/or cook, and gain a solid 10 pounds of turkey weight before falling into a food coma that will go unrivaled until next year.  That’s right, Thanksgiving is upon us, a day when we as Americans reflect about all the things we are thankful about.  The top of the list generally is “Being Amrrrican”, and that’s because you’re proud, and you should be.  We as a nation devour billions of pounds of turkey each year, and Thanksgiving is one of the reasons why we’ve inbred those flightless birds to the point where they peak at the mental capacity of a lima bean.

But, as much as Turkey is championed as the staple of American Thanksgiving deliciousness (and it will be getting its own fact of the day at some point, fear not loyal readers), there is one seemingly insignificant little berry that has enough America per square inch that when you squeeze it, it leaks out 1/3 of the colors of the American flag.  It can be mixed with your booze, and it can be served gelatinously from a can, and no matter what, it is delicious, and it is American.

We of course are referring to the cranberry.

Seen here markedly improving very shitty liquor.

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Ranch Dressing Goes on EVERYTHING

Posted on October 24, 2011 | 4 comments

“So, why am I eating this salad if I’m ‘technically can’ chug this stuff by itself?”

~That’s actually a really good question, Jimmy


You’re a typical American.  You weigh over 200 pounds, get winded when you go up a flight of stairs, and you’re probably sitting on a coach watching TV debating the physical attractiveness of the professional models that they hired for that Miller Lite commercial.  It’s entirely possible that you just dropped a can of beer and have spent the last five minutes straining yourself trying to reach down and grab it.  Don’t give up!  If you don’t drink that soon you won’t be able to crumble the can and hide it in the potted plant before your spouse gets home.  Yes this is a gender-neutral assessment of you, the typical American AFFotD reader.

“We’re flattered, AFFotD, now get to the point…dammit beer, GET IN MY HAND,” you might say at this point.

Fair enough, enterprising American.  One of the most paradoxical statistics in America is the sheer amount of lettuce and pre-packaged salads that are sold in this nation every year.  We’re talking four billion pounds of lettuce a year.  Using simple math, that means that each American individually, on average, eats somewhere between one ounce and four billion pounds of lettuce a year.  Four billion pounds of lettuce.  That’s four one billions.  And that’s terrible.

Thankfully, one of the most American inventions helps account for a vast majority of salad consumption in America, turning terrifying “wholesome” vegetables into something palpable and, hopefully, unhealthy.

Your friend reading this over your shoulder no doubt is shouting, “Oh, I know!  Salad dressing!  They’re talking about salad dressing!  I like putting a vinaigrette on my salads because it tastes good and it’s low calorie!”  Hey, you.  Yes you, the friend that just said that.  Go stand in the corner and hang your head in shame.  No, you’re on time out for the rest of this article.  Do you think we’re kidding?  We’ll wait.

Still waiting…

Okay good.  Anyway, obviously the answer is Ranch Dressing.  Right?  We mean…obviously.

Ranch Dressing:  A Delicious American Salad Treat

 

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Marshmallows: American Magic Sugar Balls

Posted on October 19, 2011 | 5 comments

“If it weren’t for these fluffy fuckers, we’d be bankrupt within a week.”

~Cereal executives


What do you get when you combine gelatin, sugar, water and corn syrup?  No, not diabetes.  Well…

But no, the answer we are going for is one of the most American dessert/decoration/camping/breakfast/anything candied foods available.  That’s right, we’re talking about the ever Vegan-Unfriendly Marshmallow.  Marshmallows are a staple candy in American cuisine, seen everywhere from breakfast cereals to candy treats made out of breakfast cereals.  And before you can accuse us of overstating both the importance of Marshmallows, as well as their American-ness, consider their role in the creation of S’Mores.  Imagine the S’More- the classic American camping treat of two graham crackers and two pieces of chocolate held together with a melted, gooey Marshmallow, without that most key ingredient.  Without the shape-forming delicious Marshmallow, a S’More would just be two delicious but uncontained pieces of candy, chaffing against the rough texture of the graham cracker, unable to be held up in a comfortable, shapely way that helps ease future back problems.  On a totally unrelated point here’s a picture of Marshmallows being strung together to make a bra.

So without further glances at the above image (even our female readers are a little curious, right?  You’re thinking “that looks uncomfortable…but also kind of comfortable…”) let us go into the surprisingly rich history of…

Marshmallows:  American Magic Sugar Balls

 

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AFFotD News Item of the Month: October, 2011 named “American Cheese Month”

Posted on October 6, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Hey.  Hey.  HEY!  Listen!  Hey.  We got this.  No.  No.  Trust us.  We got this.”

~Wisconsin


October is a month full of contradiction.  On one hand, Fall is infinitely better than Winter, and we are big fans of the beauty of watching the leafs change as well as the subtle racism that goes hand in hand with the wonderful weather conditions of Indian Summer.  On the other hand, Winter’s coming, and we’ve set a lot of forest fires this year so we’re sure to face their wrath in the form of motherfucking blizzards.  As much as October tries to win us over with generally mild weather conditions and Halloween, it’s also the month that has a large rise in the Zombie population while constantly warning us that Winter is coming.

Ugh, thanks a lot Jason Strange, just what we needed- our two least favorite things represented in our THIRD least favorite thing (a book)

However, America’s Councils for American Food (in America) have made a strong push to put a little additional awesome into the Month of November.  October already is National Caramel Month, National Cookie Month, National Dessert Month, National Pasta Month, National Pizza Month, AND National Pork Month.  In fact, October has more items that are celebrated in October than any other month of the year (poor August is only left with National Catfish Month).  So while you may think “Hey, October’s got enough going for it already” we would have to gentle remind you…there’s always room for cheese.

That’s right.  To continue our long-running, often forgotten AFFotD News Item of the Month Series, we’re here to announce…

October, 2011 named “American Cheese Month”  


“Now with 29% fewer ‘that’s Gouda’ puns!”

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Food Trucks: Mobile, Trendy, Fatty American Goodness

Posted on October 5, 2011 | 1 comment

“The question at hand is…how do I get this…into my facehole without having to walk?”

~Americans at work


American society is often influenced by its fringes, and the fringe can decide seemingly at random what “old school” concept they want to reinvigorate and make fashionable.  In the past years, aspects of societies have flocked to make things like vinyl, cassettes, and artisanal soda fountains popular again.  By the way, in case you couldn’t tell, we’re talking about Hipsters.

Surprisingly enough, the latest Hipster endorsed cultural subset also happens to be incredibly American, while making lunch easier for working Americans in a difficult economy.  It’s where white people can go outside to decide if they want to listen to the eager shouts for business of a Latino man or a troop of Vietnamese sandwich slingers.  It’s where your coworkers will flock to be on the right corner so they can spend nine dollars to get Mac & Cheese with truffle oil.  It’s the American ideal that allows drunk college students to get “fat sandwiches” at three in the morning.

We are of course talking about the timeless, and currently trendy, notion of Food Trucks.

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