Category Archives: America Fun Fact of the Day

Okay, So We Were Taken Hostage Again, Goddamn It Anyway

Posted on June 28, 2011 | 2 comments

“Our locksmith is so fired.”

~Johnny Roosevelt

Okay, well that at least has been sorted out.  Finally.  Took a few days, but the AFFotD offices are 100% hostage-takers-free.  We’ve even cleaned up the Ukrainian Blood.  Do you know how hard Ukrainian blood is to get out?  So hard.

Obviously, many readers were quite worried a few days ago when we posted a desperate plea for help from the staff’s broom closet (it’s the most American broom closet you can imagine.  The mop bucket uses bourbon instead of water) letting you all know that we had, yet again, been kidnapped by some God.  Damn.  Ukrainians.

Gone were our attack monkeys (fuck you, PETA), gone were our chainsaw-nun-chucks (stupid government regulations), gone were our automated defense systems (…actually that was our bad, we totally forgot to pay the electricity bill last month).

All we had were our wits.  Well, that and an army of nameless interns to send on suicidal missions.  Their screams will haunt us for the rest of our days.

We’re still trying to get things back to operational capacity here, but we did have a few of our more semi-literate staff members describing their experience as it was happening through various journal entries.  We know, ugh, that’s just the fucking worst. So here is…

AFFotD Staff Members Write About Their Feelings and Shit, When Shit Gets Real

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Oh Crap You Guys

Posted on June 26, 2011 | Leave a comment

“WHY ARE YOU ASKING FOR A QUOTE NOT NOW DAMMIT!”

~Johnny Roosevelt

Shit guys, shit, okay.  So…

Remember a while back, when those Ukrainians were all…hostage-taking-y?  They’re…

…Wait wait we think we heard something…

Yeah, okay they’re back.  We honestly don’t know what we could have done to piss them off, other than that moderately successful viral smear campaign against them (we don’t want to brag but it was basically the “It Gets Better” of anti-Ukrainian internet videos).  Anyway…

SHHHHH…Jesus, this closet is cramped…

Anyway, they’re back.  And our attack monkeys are on vacation.  Shit.

Hopefully we can get out of this.  If we survive, expect a lengthy description of our peril, and a casualty report (don’t worry it’s mainly Kardashians) tomorrow.  Until then, remember…nuclear power only supports their economy, try heating your homes by burning trees instead.  America out.

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America Fun Fact of the Day 6/25- Saturday Image of the Week

Posted on June 25, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Is…that…?”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief

We’re going to cut to the chase here.  It’s Saturday.  It’s image time.  Enjoy it.

Spoiler alert, it’s a fucking car crammed inside a goddamn van.


Everything about that is America.  Have a good weekend everyone.

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America’s Partial Guide to Bribing

Posted on June 23, 2011 | Leave a comment

“If it’s a crime to love your country, then I’m guilty.  And if it’s a crime to steal a trillion dollars from the U.S. government and give it to Communist Cuba, then I’m guilty.  And if it’s a crime to bribe a jury, I’ll soon be guilty of that!”

~Senor Burns


There’s an old saying in America- money buys happiness.  Additionally, it’s often said that if something is “fucking golden” you don’t want to “give it away for nothing.”

Photo unrelated

Yes, America is a greasy wheel, and the only way to get it running is to give it a little oil.  See what we did there?  That was a subtle allusion to the fact that bribes are a super important part of America.  Literally nothing gets done in the country unless someone is putting money under the table.  Did you know that if your house is on fire, firemen are only legally required to put it out if you pay them like, 10 bucks each?  “No, I did not notice that, no wonder they just stood there and watched my memories burn,” we hear you say.  Well, we at AFFotD know all the trade secrets to successful bribing, from when you’re getting conned (you’re just about always getting conned) to how paying the right amount of money to the right amount of people can put you in the real hospitals, as opposed to the one ambulances go to which were actually developed as Petri Dishes for super-bacteria.

This is the hospital you go to if you don’t bribe people

Do you want the dentist to give you the fillings that don’t double as a homing beacon?  Do you want the water company to run the non arsenic tap water through your pipes?  Do you want the voices to stop?  Why won’t the voices stop?

That’s where we at AFFotD come into play, with our comprehensive guide on bribing.  Who to bribe, how to bribe, and most importantly, when to bribe.

Bribes won’t help you here…unless you bribe a necromancer.  Actually, bribes can still help you here.

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America Fun Fact of the Day 6/19- June 19th in American History

Posted on June 19, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Yeah, the…uh, God, what’s the word…day in history thing?”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

A band named after what we put in our coffee once stated, hot time, summer in the city.  While you may not be living in a city right now, you are part of the grant giant city known as…America.  That’s all we got, though.  Sure it seems kind of tenuous, but still, here is…

Today’s American Day in History (America Edition)

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America Fun Fact of the Day 6/18- Saturday Image of the Week

Posted on June 18, 2011 | Leave a comment

“HOLY SHIT WHAT THE HOLY WHAT!?”

~America

As you know, it’s Saturday.  It’s a pretty good day, and literally slightly less than three dozen of you are turning here, asking, “Where can I get a picture to properly show my America feelings.”

Well, it’s not like we can give you a photo of a bald eagle with a goddamn blackbird riding it like a youtube video of an SUV being Ghostridden or….

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

AMERICA IS SO GREAT!

Have a great weekend everyone.

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The Rapture’s Guide to Looting

Posted on June 14, 2011 | 8 comments

“BLAH BLAH RAPTURE BLAH BLAH MAYAN CALANDERRRRR”

~Uh…2012?

 

We’ve been hearing a lot of talk that the Rapture is upon us, that the Mayans are going to turn the world into quicksand or something, or dozens of other theories about the world’s inevitable demise.  And as we can see from this picture above which we’re pretty sure is the ending of the movie Ghost, some of these potential End of Days scenarios will involve a lot of American citizens left behind by a vengeful God to fend for themselves.  But really, is it a sin to drink a bathtub of whiskey every day?  Is it?  No, we’re seriously asking, whenever we pick up a bible it leaves third degree burns on our hands.  Not because we’re anti-Christ-y, we just tend to have pretty violently strong allergic reactions to long words.  Someone once tried to make Johnny Roosevelt read the word “perspicacious” and his body started swelling like a bubble-gum obsessed girl who got on Willy Wonka’s bad side.

…Kirstie Alley?

“But AFFotD,” you might be saying, “Stop talking about how you can’t read the Bible.  We’re horrible sinners, and if there’s a Rapture, we’re going to be stuck on Earth.  There’s only so many shotgun shells and Phil Collins CDs in the world, and besides Skeet shooting gets old pretty fast.  What are we supposed to do with ourselves when we’re not out defiling churches and installing voyeuristic cameras in attractive womens’ bathrooms?”

To you, hypothetically creepy reader, we’d first say, calm the fuck down and learn some manners.  We didn’t interrupt you, no wonder you’re going to hell.

And to answer your question, it’s quite simple really.  When you find yourself facing the end of days, after you’re done aggressively masturbating while sobbing, “No hope, no hope…” you’re going to want to take advantage of the unique situation that you’re finding yourself in.  Being left behind is no picnic…it’s a fucking 24 hour party.

But first, you have do so much looting.  That’s why we’re here to present you with.

The Official AFFotD Guide to Looting

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America’s Greatest Resumes

Posted on June 13, 2011 | Leave a comment

“The best way to get hired is to be drunk and illiterate.”

~Warren Buffett

The past few years have been a rough time for those seeking employment in America.  We know that we at the AFFotD offices sometimes have been guilty of rubbing in our plush jobs in the faces of normal Americans looking for work.  While they’re left subsiding on Ramen noodles cooked in whiskey instead of water (admit it, you’re both disgusted by and curious about how that would taste once you heard about it) we’re bragging about our Condor egg omlettes and our totally ironic consumption of Whiskeyed Ramen.

Like this, only it actually can get us drunk

But despite our cushy job, which includes the actual captain’s chair from Star Trek that we take turns sitting in (the chair itself?  Not so cushy) we do sympathize with the plight of those Americans currently hunting for jobs.  Which is why we’re here to salute the most American resumes from Americans who clearly didn’t give a shit.

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America Fun Fact of the Day 6/11- Saturday Image of the Week

Posted on June 11, 2011 | Leave a comment

“What did he do?  WHAT DID HE DO!?”

~Johnny Roosevelt

You know the deal.  Saturday image of the week.

Come up with the context on your own.  We…We got nothing.

We got a secret to tell.

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The American Joys of Spam (Not the Tasty Food Kind)

Posted on June 9, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Fr33 V1agrA l0w p4armas21cal pr1c3s!s!!!!!!!”

~The Internet

America is a well oiled machine fueled by skepticism.  When we see a homeless person aggressively panhandling on the street we assume, rightly or wrongly, that the person does not deserve our hard earned money, since they’ll just spend that money on drugs.  Besides, we’re in a rush and that quart of vodka is not going to buy itself, now is it?

We Americans are a cautious people, many of us so jaded that you can try for a lifetime and never earn our trust.  This is part of what makes America great, and it’s directly responsible for our world power.  When the 1930s came around, did we “let bygones be bygones” and start trusting Germany, or attempt to ally with Germany?  Hell no, we thought, “wait, this looks familiar…hmm…”  Well, except for, like, Walt Disney and Henry Ford.

How do we keep our healthy level of wary suspicion going so strong?  What enables us to write our children out of our will because we’re like 75% sure that they sided with their mother during the divorce proceedings?  Where do we find the strength and courage to speed past a car with a flat tire during a rainstorm because of that one time where we heard someone getting murdered like that?

Spam, that’s how.  Every day, our inboxes are flooded with hollow, empty promises, and the constant inundation of these penile enlargement offers or attractive girls who like to take off their clothes if you click this suspicious looking link.  Though we suppose if you trained yourself to think that pop-up windows were boobs, your computer would then be like, just so many boobs you guys.  Spam is named after the Spam Monty Python skit, which while not technically American, is still actually pretty damn cool.  Surprisingly, America is not the leading source of spam messages- with an estimated 6.6 trillion spam emails originating in the U.S., we trail Brazil’s 7.7 trillion spam messages, which ranks right up there with the fact that the first Heisman Trophy winner played at University of Chicago as one of the all time, “holy hell, I did not expect that to be the case” random factoids.

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