“Is…that…?”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief
We’re going to cut to the chase here. It’s Saturday. It’s image time. Enjoy it.
Spoiler alert, it’s a fucking car crammed inside a goddamn van.
Everything about that is America. Have a good weekend everyone.
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged America, Saturday Image of the Week, sideways car, Upside down, Van
“If it’s a crime to love your country, then I’m guilty. And if it’s a crime to steal a trillion dollars from the U.S. government and give it to Communist Cuba, then I’m guilty. And if it’s a crime to bribe a jury, I’ll soon be guilty of that!”
~Senor Burns
There’s an old saying in America- money buys happiness. Additionally, it’s often said that if something is “fucking golden” you don’t want to “give it away for nothing.”
Photo unrelated
Yes, America is a greasy wheel, and the only way to get it running is to give it a little oil. See what we did there? That was a subtle allusion to the fact that bribes are a super important part of America. Literally nothing gets done in the country unless someone is putting money under the table. Did you know that if your house is on fire, firemen are only legally required to put it out if you pay them like, 10 bucks each? “No, I did not notice that, no wonder they just stood there and watched my memories burn,” we hear you say. Well, we at AFFotD know all the trade secrets to successful bribing, from when you’re getting conned (you’re just about always getting conned) to how paying the right amount of money to the right amount of people can put you in the real hospitals, as opposed to the one ambulances go to which were actually developed as Petri Dishes for super-bacteria.
This is the hospital you go to if you don’t bribe people
Do you want the dentist to give you the fillings that don’t double as a homing beacon? Do you want the water company to run the non arsenic tap water through your pipes? Do you want the voices to stop? Why won’t the voices stop?
That’s where we at AFFotD come into play, with our comprehensive guide on bribing. Who to bribe, how to bribe, and most importantly, when to bribe.
Bribes won’t help you here…unless you bribe a necromancer. Actually, bribes can still help you here.
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged America, blagojavich, Bribery, bribes, petri dishes, super bacteria
“Yeah, the…uh, God, what’s the word…day in history thing?”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt
A band named after what we put in our coffee once stated, hot time, summer in the city. While you may not be living in a city right now, you are part of the grant giant city known as…America. That’s all we got, though. Sure it seems kind of tenuous, but still, here is…
Today’s American Day in History (America Edition)
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged America, Baseball, Confederacy, Hoboken, June 19th, Juneteen, Knickerbockers, New Jersey, New York, Texas, Today in American History
“HOLY SHIT WHAT THE HOLY WHAT!?”
~America
As you know, it’s Saturday. It’s a pretty good day, and literally slightly less than three dozen of you are turning here, asking, “Where can I get a picture to properly show my America feelings.”
Well, it’s not like we can give you a photo of a bald eagle with a goddamn blackbird riding it like a youtube video of an SUV being Ghostridden or….
AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
AMERICA IS SO GREAT!
Have a great weekend everyone.
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged America, Bird, Bladckbird, Eagle, Saturday Image of the Week
“BLAH BLAH RAPTURE BLAH BLAH MAYAN CALANDERRRRR”
~Uh…2012?
We’ve been hearing a lot of talk that the Rapture is upon us, that the Mayans are going to turn the world into quicksand or something, or dozens of other theories about the world’s inevitable demise. And as we can see from this picture above which we’re pretty sure is the ending of the movie Ghost, some of these potential End of Days scenarios will involve a lot of American citizens left behind by a vengeful God to fend for themselves. But really, is it a sin to drink a bathtub of whiskey every day? Is it? No, we’re seriously asking, whenever we pick up a bible it leaves third degree burns on our hands. Not because we’re anti-Christ-y, we just tend to have pretty violently strong allergic reactions to long words. Someone once tried to make Johnny Roosevelt read the word “perspicacious” and his body started swelling like a bubble-gum obsessed girl who got on Willy Wonka’s bad side.
…Kirstie Alley?
“But AFFotD,” you might be saying, “Stop talking about how you can’t read the Bible. We’re horrible sinners, and if there’s a Rapture, we’re going to be stuck on Earth. There’s only so many shotgun shells and Phil Collins CDs in the world, and besides Skeet shooting gets old pretty fast. What are we supposed to do with ourselves when we’re not out defiling churches and installing voyeuristic cameras in attractive womens’ bathrooms?”
To you, hypothetically creepy reader, we’d first say, calm the fuck down and learn some manners. We didn’t interrupt you, no wonder you’re going to hell.
And to answer your question, it’s quite simple really. When you find yourself facing the end of days, after you’re done aggressively masturbating while sobbing, “No hope, no hope…” you’re going to want to take advantage of the unique situation that you’re finding yourself in. Being left behind is no picnic…it’s a fucking 24 hour party.
But first, you have do so much looting. That’s why we’re here to present you with.
The Official AFFotD Guide to Looting
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day, America's Greatest Fun Facts
Tagged 3D TV, Alcohol, America, Avatar, Bible, Boondock Saints, Christopher Walken, Deer Hunter, Elvis, Ghost, Gin, ipad, Jason Bourne, Johnny Roosevelt, Kirstie Alley, Left Behind, Man vs. Wild, Mayans, Phil Collins, Quicksand, Rapture, Rum, Skeet Shooting, The Rapture, vodka, Wal-Mart, Will Wonka
“The best way to get hired is to be drunk and illiterate.”
~Warren Buffett
The past few years have been a rough time for those seeking employment in America. We know that we at the AFFotD offices sometimes have been guilty of rubbing in our plush jobs in the faces of normal Americans looking for work. While they’re left subsiding on Ramen noodles cooked in whiskey instead of water (admit it, you’re both disgusted by and curious about how that would taste once you heard about it) we’re bragging about our Condor egg omlettes and our totally ironic consumption of Whiskeyed Ramen.
Like this, only it actually can get us drunk
But despite our cushy job, which includes the actual captain’s chair from Star Trek that we take turns sitting in (the chair itself? Not so cushy) we do sympathize with the plight of those Americans currently hunting for jobs. Which is why we’re here to salute the most American resumes from Americans who clearly didn’t give a shit.
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged America, Funny Resumes, Jay Leno, Recession, Resume, Star Trek, Warren Buffett
“What did he do? WHAT DID HE DO!?”
~Johnny Roosevelt
You know the deal. Saturday image of the week.
Come up with the context on your own. We…We got nothing.
We got a secret to tell.
“Fr33 V1agrA l0w p4armas21cal pr1c3s!s!!!!!!!”
~The Internet
America is a well oiled machine fueled by skepticism. When we see a homeless person aggressively panhandling on the street we assume, rightly or wrongly, that the person does not deserve our hard earned money, since they’ll just spend that money on drugs. Besides, we’re in a rush and that quart of vodka is not going to buy itself, now is it?
We Americans are a cautious people, many of us so jaded that you can try for a lifetime and never earn our trust. This is part of what makes America great, and it’s directly responsible for our world power. When the 1930s came around, did we “let bygones be bygones” and start trusting Germany, or attempt to ally with Germany? Hell no, we thought, “wait, this looks familiar…hmm…” Well, except for, like, Walt Disney and Henry Ford.
How do we keep our healthy level of wary suspicion going so strong? What enables us to write our children out of our will because we’re like 75% sure that they sided with their mother during the divorce proceedings? Where do we find the strength and courage to speed past a car with a flat tire during a rainstorm because of that one time where we heard someone getting murdered like that?
Spam, that’s how. Every day, our inboxes are flooded with hollow, empty promises, and the constant inundation of these penile enlargement offers or attractive girls who like to take off their clothes if you click this suspicious looking link. Though we suppose if you trained yourself to think that pop-up windows were boobs, your computer would then be like, just so many boobs you guys. Spam is named after the Spam Monty Python skit, which while not technically American, is still actually pretty damn cool. Surprisingly, America is not the leading source of spam messages- with an estimated 6.6 trillion spam emails originating in the U.S., we trail Brazil’s 7.7 trillion spam messages, which ranks right up there with the fact that the first Heisman Trophy winner played at University of Chicago as one of the all time, “holy hell, I did not expect that to be the case” random factoids.
“More like Machu…PEE-chew. Yeah. Shut up, it’s funny.”
~Hiram Bingham III
Whats the most American academic pursuit? When that question was posed to our AFFotD staff, we had a bevy of responses. “Business and greed!” Michael Douglass offered. “Law, like in my current film, The Lincoln Lawyer,” Matthew McConaughey said before we kicked him out of the offices and asked security what the hell he was doing there. “Titties!” Johnny Knoxville shouted before stapling a dollar bill to his forehead while we all laughed and nodded approvingly.
The actual answer to this question came as a shock to many. “Anthropology,” resident helicopter pilot/alien hunter Harrison Ford said from the back of the room. We all looked back at him, and there’s a distinctive mumble. “What the hell is that?” someone asks. “Gayyyyy,” the guy whose job is to say “gayyy” after everything he doesn’t agree with said (we hired him back in 1998… it was a…well, a different time back then). At that point, Ford took out his hat and whip, and we all went, “ohhhhh, the Indiana Jones profession. Yeah, good answer, good answer.” Like it was fucking Family Feud.
It was at this point that we took out a book on a man who was a real life Indiana Jones, or at least the Anthropologist who discovered the shit out of a mysteriously dead civilization. We won’t even hold it against him that he was born in Hawaii. That man was Hiram Bingham III.
June has arrived, and all around America people are celebrating the return of mosquitoes and sunburn. Which is why, around this time, things start to get a little…strange. That’s why we are here to celebrate the other strange things that have occurred in previous June 5ths of the past, in…
The American History of June 5th (in America)
America Fun Fact of the Day 