Category Archives: Alcohol, Giver of Life

Alcohol is soooo delicious.

“How delicious is it?”

Shut the fuck up, we’re drinking here.

How To Be American (read as: Drunk) In The Office On A Typical Day (And Not Get Caught)

Posted on January 23, 2012 | 3 comments

“I don’t want to work, I just want to bang on my drum all day.”

~Todd Rundgren

Many of you are reading this very America Fun Fact of the Day from your office, stealing precious internets from your bosses as part of a conspiracy to get free money from their HR department (at least, if your boss is older than 60, that is his assumption of how office internet usage works).  Americans need work to get the money necessary to purchase necessary goods, at least ever since the government suspended its controversial “Free whiskey and Ramen noodles for all citizens” proposal (damn you Carter!)  And while a healthy portion of Americans end up as freelancers, retailers, or service industry professionals, the most common type of employment involves plopping formerly active Americans behind a computer for eight hours a day as their bodies slowly balloon out like a time-lapse video of a pumpkin growing.

Though like restaurants, most offices do have a “No shoes, no shirts, no service” policy.

And like most prisons environments, offices are a dizzying combination of policies, traditions, and arcane beliefs that “Jesus Christ, no, of course you can’t have a moonshine sill in your cubicle, why would you even ask that?”  And sadly, many of the things we view to be most American (drinking, trying to see if you can cook bacon by putting it in the copier and asking for 100 copies while drunk) are considered “taboo” or “fire-able” in most offices.  But that doesn’t’ mean you can’t express your American ways properly while still working for “The Man.”  That’s why we are here to provide you with AFFotD’s exhaustive guide…

How To Be American (read as: Drunk) In The Office On A Typical Day (And Not Get Caught)

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The Martini: America’s Classiest Alcohol Delivery System

Posted on January 18, 2012 | 1 comment

“You’re welcome.”

~The American Liquor industry

Every once and a while, strangers go up to us on the street and say, “Goddamn it AFFotD, I can’t believe you let your news editor befoul our daughter, I’ll kill the bastard if’n I ever lay eyes on him again,” and after we wrestle them to the ground and get their daughters contact information and age (phew, 18) they eventually, in tears, ask us why we seem to hate President Carter so much.

Is it the award he got for letting Iran misuse nuclear technology?  That didn’t help things, but no.  Was it the fact that he builds houses for the poor?  Weirdly enough we actually have a problem with that, but no that’s not it.  No we hate Carter because he is largely responsible for the fact that it’s no longer considered “acceptable” to have a three-martini lunch at work anymore.  That tells you how Un-American Jimmy Carter was while also serving as a convenient enough segue to our more important topic.

Martinis.  Invented by Americans, made by Americans, used by James Bond to sleep with American women, the Martini is the classiest way to say, “Hi, I am an individual of refined tastes, and if you approached me at this bar I very possibly will sleep with you” without sitting at a bar holding onto a string of condoms.  So with that in mind, let’s raise our cocktail glass to…

The Martini:  America’s Classiest Alcohol Delivery System

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AFFotD News Item of the Month: The World’s Most Expensive Scotch

Posted on January 9, 2012 | Leave a comment

 “I only got two speeds- drunk and dead.”

~Jack Kerouac

We’ve previously discussed liquor that sells for inordinate amounts of money.  And we’ve talked about how it’s conflicting, since you can spend that money on things like, much more booze.  And sure, in the case of the 45 year old Chivas, the Scotch was being sold for $200,000 largely because the bottle was balls expensive.  And in retrospect, that’s a huge waste.  If you’re spending a fuckton of money for booze, you’d better make sure the booze is what’s worth it.

If we were paying thousands of dollars for a bottle of liquor, we’d almost prefer that it come in a ziplock bag, just so we can know that we’re not paying any markup for a diamond studded bottle or anything.  Which is why we’re here to bring your attention to the most expensive bottle of scotch ever sold in an auction (held in just a normal glass bottle) in 2012’s first…

AFFotD News Item of the Month:  The World’s Most Expensive Scotch

 

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AFFotD News Item of the Month: Beer…IN SPACE!

Posted on January 5, 2012 | 2 comments

“We’ll let you do the leg work, Australia. But then we’re totally stealing your idea.”

~America

Every American child had a series of obsessions growing up.  For children born in the 80’s, it started off with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  But once that began to fade away, American children focus their interests on Dinosaurs before finally settling on the most badass, expansive area of the Universe which America purchased from the Galaxy Indians for a crate of Legos.

That’s right, outer space is the final frontier, and one of the most impressive things that America has learned how to side-saddle.  But despite our rich history of kicking space’s ass and  shoving it down Russia’s throat, we’ve never managed to drink a beer in space.

Until now.

And while it’s an Australian company, not America, that is developing a beer to drink on a flight to space in 2013, we know it’s just a matter of time before America grabs onto this idea.  Also, you know that Americans are going to be the main ones taking advantage of it.  And since we like to be trendsetters, you know we’ve started saving up our $95,000 to take advantage of this opportunity as soon as we can.  But until then, we humbly present…

AFFotD News Item of the Month: Beer…IN SPACE!

 

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George Washington’s Eggnog Recipe (Will Getchya Drunk)

Posted on December 29, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Hey baby, let’s get you out of those not-yet-drunk clothes.”

~George Washington

While the Holidays have past, and we are given a much harder time coming up with excuses to start drinking on a Wednesday at noon (“it’s, uh, the birthday of…uh…Jack…Daniels…”) we can still take a moment to look back fondly on aspects that make the Holidays so warm and inviting.  And drunk.  And an awesome but mean trick to play on your lactose intolerant friends.  Yes, we’re talking about eggnog.

“But AFFotD, why are you talking about eggnog when there’s a picture of George Washington that looks like he’s teaching the Indian boy next to him how to properly give a hand jibber?” you no doubt are asking, and to that we say, hey, nice use of the word “hand jibber” it’s nice to know that hasn’t completely fallen out of style yet.  But secondly, we have to tell you something.  This article?  Is not going to be some mamby pamby eggnog article.  Fuck that.  No, today we are going to introduce to you…

George Washington’s Eggnog Recipe (Will Getchya Drunk)

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AFFotD Takes on the Women’s Christian Temperance Union

Posted on December 21, 2011 | 7 comments

“I mean, you can run with this, but it better not devolve into a whole thing calling individual women ugly or anything.”

~Johnny Roosevelt

Okay listen, by this point you know the deal.  If you drink and can at least hollowly echo our dislike of French people, we’ll get along fine.  Hell, even if you don’t drink but are like “fuck the French” we’ll not actively dislike you (but lord knows we won’t trust you).  But if you want to piss us off, you actively try to stop people from drinking.  Or, you know, try to save baby seals or whatever.  Fuck nature, they had enough chances, this isn’t Wall Street, we’re not here to bail out idiot penguins that didn’t realize that we were shuttling oil through a dangerous sea passage.

Yeah, FUCK you, penguins.

All that being said, we try not to talk about hot button issues necessarily.  Especially religion.  Because religion will breed conversations between zealots and assholes (yeah we’re looking at you, people who make a “flying spaghetti monster” joke as soon as someone mentions church) and no one wants that.  Which is why, when an intrepid reader pointed us to this site, we were hesitant to talk shit.  At first.  We saw “Women’s Christian” in the title and said, “hold up.”  We don’t want to get into religious discussions, and we really don’t want to be viewed as misogynistic, so we were hesitant to “tear this site apart and see what final stroke will finally kill it” as our reader suggested.  But then we read “Temperance Union” and just three neat whiskeys and one Wikipedia search later, we were enraged.

Not only are these damn Jesus bitches trying to stop us from drinking…well , no, that’s the main reason why we have an issue with them.  That and the fact that their webmaster must have died in an unfortunate geocities mudslide back in 1998 because, goddamn, just look at this screenshot.

Look, we have these “intelligent phones” the youths are using nowadays!

So the gloves are off.  We’re not even declaring a blog war here, we’re starting a real life war, because these people will not be allowed to touch our booze.  No siree.  So get ready, as…

AFFotD Takes on the Women’s Christian Temperance Union

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The Top 5 American Ways to Get Drunk (Without Drinking)

Posted on December 14, 2011 | 9 comments

“Sure, go for it.”

~Anthony Bourdain

America likes alcohol about as much as America likes alcohol, but sometimes we have to eat, or we don’t feel like consuming liquids at the moment.  Shut up, it happens sometimes.  Maybe.  Anyway, it is times like that where we Americans can show our ingenuity by discovering strange, magical, almost logic-defying ways to get wasted.  Yeah, we might be lagging in education and…uh..maths? but we’re still able to get you drunk without you even knowing it.  Or in one case (number one on the list) we can get you drunk while you are terrifyingly aware of it.

That’s why we at AFFotD are here to present to you…

The Top 5 American Ways to Get Drunk (Without Drinking)

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America’s Guide to Non-Alcoholic Beer, Wine, and Liquor

Posted on December 5, 2011 | 19 comments

“And I shall banish this evil from the land.”

~He who shall save us from our darkest hour

 

Drinking alcohol is not only a delicious and helpful way to forget about your troubles, it also happens to be crucially important to all of America.  Without alcohol, churches wouldn’t be able to drink Jesus, baseball stadiums would be empty, and our birth rates would drop considerably.  It is responsible for the popularity of bowling, golf, and attractive female bartenders.  Alcohol is, in a word, essential.  It is our nation’s lifeblood.

Which is why this post will be distressing to many of you.

For as great as alcohol is as a way to cure you of your boredom, inhibitions, or not-having-cirrhosis tendencies, there are people out there that spurn alcohol.  While that itself is a shock to our sensibilities, they compound they issue by…by…

…By making non-alcoholic versions of booze.

 

“NON-alcoholic beer?  I’ll KILL YOU

That is why we are here to warn you, the vigilant American reader, about these threats to our society.  And if you happen to see any of the following products for sale in a grocery store, you are within your legal rights to burn the place to the ground.  It’s in the constitution, look it up.  And now, with much trepidation, we present to you…

The Guide to Non-Alcoholic Beer, Wine, and Liquor

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Ice Cream Beer and Beer Floats: America’s Kicking Dessert’s Ass

Posted on November 11, 2011 | 1 comment

“You scream, I scream, we all scream, for a higher BAC!”

~America

 

What’s one of the primary differences between America and Europe?  For those of you who shouted, “Americans shower every once and a while”- nice, that’s as sick burn.  But the real distinguishing characteristic is how we drink beer.  Americans like their beer cold and their homosexuals flaming, while Europeans like their  beer warm and their homosexuals frustratingly androgynous.  It’s just a defining characteristic of being American, like being ten years late in backing up Liberal social causes and overestimating the appeal of professional sports in the state of Florida.

Oh, yeah, just change it from “Florida” to “Miami,” that’ll totally put butts in the seats.

What we’re trying to say is, the colder the beer, the more we like to drink it.  You’re talking about a country that decided to take one of its beers that most resembles water (Coors) and make a special can that tells you when it’s cold enough to drink.  And America liked that idea so much that they decided to go even further and make it so that the can will tell you when it’s really cold.  We like our beer cold, and we could care less how it tastes at that point.

We’re honestly not sure if this label is trying to insult us or not.

Of course, there’s a certain point where beer is too cold.  Like when it solidifies.  We wouldn’t dare want that to happen…

Or would we?

Ice Cream Beer and Beer Floats:  America’s Kicking Dessert’s Ass

 

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Wade Boggs Drinks ALL Your Beers

Posted on November 2, 2011 | 1 comment

“It’s Miller Time, motherfuckers.  It’s ALWAYS Miller Time.”

~Wade Boggs


Baseball is America’s pastime in the same way that Bowling is a way of life for rural Midwestern towns.  The actual sport itself depends greatly on everyone else getting drunk.  If you ever had a professional baseball game that didn’t serve beer, Americans would start rioting faster than a bunch of British hooligans after their soccer team gets relegated.  As a result, baseball players themselves have to go out of their way to let you know how American they are.  In a league full of Neifi Perezes, the Babe Ruth-like figures are hard to come by.

Even today’s superstars leave something lacking.  Yes, Derek Jeter was sleeping with Buddy Garrity’s daughter, but wasn’t A-Rod seeing dinosaur-Madonna?  That’s a bad way to go.  Think about that.  The richest baseball player in the history of the game was, at one point, dating…  This.

“EEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

Fortunately, every once in a while, a true American is born, and instead of deciding to become a fighter pilot or mixologist, he chooses the path of baseball, and figures, if you’re going to do something well, might as well do something drunk.  That man may come along only once in a generation, and our generation’s American baseball hero happens to be Hall of Famer, and Miller Lite enthusiast, Wade Boggs.

Pictured here, during the physical act of lovemaking

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