Tag Archives: Chicago

Wherein AFFotD Lampoons The Naivety of Foreigners Who Dare Protest The Intrinsic Value Of 10 Fine American Traditions

“We’re not strange, YOU’RE strange, shut up internet.”

~AFFotD Staffers

When we want to say that something is, without fail, awesome, we refer to that thing as an “American Tradition.”  Seriously, when have you ever heard of “American Tradition” being used in a bad way?  Baseball is an American tradition, fake birth certificates are not.  Fireworks are an American Tradition, and hand reconstruction surgery is improving each and every year.  If something has been deemed an American Tradition, that’s like America’s version of the hall of fame (we’d like to introduce this year’s recipient to our American Tradition list: Playing beer pong using mixed drinks when you run out of beer but want to keep playing).

It is with this in mind that we have to bring your attention to yet another site that is trying to besmirch America with their “articles.”  You know what this means, it’s time for us to take a massive shit on someone else’s writing.

Today’s recipient of our ire is the website “HowStuffWorks” for their egregious slideshow (eww, slideshow?) about “10 Strange American Traditions.”  Umm, asshats, is being awesome strange, because that’s the only way we can make heads or tails out of your article’s title.  These 10 American activities have been chosen because the writers here think that other nations would find them “strange at best.”  Which means that they totally named this article the wrong thing.  It should be called “10 American Traditions That Prove That Every Other Country Is Doing It Wrong.”

Hold us back, Internet.  Hold us back…

AFFotD Lampoons The Naivety of Foreigners Who Dare Protest The Intrinsic Value Of 10 Fine American Traditions

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Bill Veeck Loved Midgets

“Midget!  Midget midget midget!”

~Bill Veeck

If there’s one complaint people have about baseball, it would be that it’s too straight laced.  That is, if they have a complaint about baseball.  That’s usually because baseball players only show a lot of effort for short periods of time before resting a while.  It’s the only sport that has a bench that doesn’t require a bench, because honestly, when was the last time you saw a guy walk to the dugout and need to rest his legs?

Photo unrelated

But if there was one man out there that understood how to jazz up Baseball and take an American sport even more American by adding something crazy, it would be the great Bill Veeck, a man who saw a sport that could be stuffy and uninviting and decided to liven the hell out of it, likely saying, “We gotta do something to make this game more exciting.  You know, something like a midget baseball player.  Well, not a midget baseball player, but you get the idea, something like that.”

“Dammit, fine let’s just go with it.”

Yes, Bill Veeck was a unique brand of MLB baseball team owner.  While some owners might have their team involved in messy divorce court proceedings, Veeck (“as in Wreck” as his autobiography so astutely put it) would do absurd promotion stunts (his ugly divorces very rarely involved the teams he owned).  As the last Baseball owner who was not independently wealthy, Bill Veeck had everything a true American could ask for.  A man who built himself from the ground up, lost a limb in the war, and caused a mass riot when he wanted to destroy as many Disco albums as possible.  Veeck was a man too great for embellishment, though we once heard that he could life a car over his head with one hand while juggling midgets with the other.  But only 3 midgets.  Like we said, we’re not going to embellish any of this.

So here’s the tale of the man with one leg and a love of midgets.

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The Mars Cheese Castle

“With the power of…DAIRY!”

~Cheeseman, a short lived American superhero

Fair warning, this America Fun Fact of the Day will not be about Cheeseman.  We know, you’re all a little saddened by that revelation, but we decided to rip the band-aid off cleanly, and right away.  Shh, shh, it’s okay.  It’s okay.  Drink to forget.  Drink to forget.

But that doesn’t mean we’re not going to talk about cheese.  Not an American history of cheese, because holy shit that’s a good idea but we’re way too hungover for that, but we are going to talk about a little place we have mentioned before in passing, a venue that is all beer, cheese, and absurd Midwestern ideals of grandeur.

We’re talking about…the Mars Cheese Castle, in Kenosha, Wisconsin.

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America Fun Fact of the Day 4/9- Saturday Image of the Week

“Yeah, screw you, online book buyers.”

~Borders Employees

Before we go into today’s AFFotD Image of the Week, we wanted to give you, the American reader, some background.  As we all know, the economy has led to some tough times for many businesses.  Chief among them is the bookseller, Borders, who recently had to close 30% of their stores.  Now, who that really sucks for is the American citizens who are now going to be out of a job.  Because, honestly, English Graduate students need work too.  But, at least they have a good sense of humor about it.  As we can see in today’s Image of the Week, which comes to us from a soon-to-be-closed Borders in Chicago.

Yessssss.  If you’re going to get laid off, at least do it with a shit-eating grin on your face.  God Speed, Borders employee.  Let us know who you are, and we will totally buy your self published novel about a former book store manager when it comes out in three years.  Have a good weekend, everybody.

[REDACTED]’s Week of Freedom

“You’re never gonna take me alive, AFFotD fuckers!”

Our undercover investigative journalist, [REDACTED] has been through a lot.  We forced him to eat at a Vegan restaurant, which is the very reason why we can’t in good conscience list his name here, then after a quick apology party we got him to sign over, essentially, his soul. We made him write about cricket, and about opera, and finally, he snapped.

We didn’t hear a word from him for a week, until our specially calibrated American hunting dogs found an unusually large amount of America around the Chicagoland area.  Sure enough, that’s where [REDACTED] had been hiding out.  After we sent in the hounds (ha ha, don’t worry, they weren’t really hounds.  They were more of a wolves/huskie hybrid) we were able to bring in [REDACTED] and get his story behind his one week spent, as he put it, “Trying to get my America back on, you cocksuckers.”

Here is his tale.

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