AFFotD Book Review: Smooth Talking by Mohammed Zubair

“Ha-ha!  Hu-man interaction!”

~Mohammed Zubair

smooth talking

Self-published books are one of our best sources for pure, distilled ego and delusion.  It takes a certain kind of person to say, “Well, I can’t get a literary agent, or a publisher, but my words must be read via kindle, so I shall do this myself!” This is directly responsible for a whole slew of intentionally and unintentionally (mostly unintentionally) hilarious books, with some of them managing to tackle topics other than fucking dinosaurs.

Similarly, pickup artists are one of our best sources for cringeworthy attempts to dilute 50% of our population into basically stop lights with vaginas, where people who, in theory, have had sex a few times with strangers have decided that they must tell their “secrets” to the world, which ends up being about as interesting as listening to a man shouting on the bus about getting a blowjob in an alleyway this one time.  As long as you don’t take it seriously (and please, don’t, that implies they’re saying serious things) this too is a hilarious source of pure, distilled ego and delusion, as well as the most awkward almost alien attempts to mimic hu-man ver-bal interactions in existence.

With that in mind, we stumbled across this little doozy of a book by one Mohammed Zubair, who promises to give you over 500 examples of conversation starters so that you can achieve the one thing you, assuming you’re a male, or a lesbian we guess, were put on this planet to do—have grossly unsatisfying sex with someone you recently met at a bar.  It’s incredible, and so, so awkward, and we had to tell you about it.  It’s book review time!

AFFotD Book Review:  Smooth Talking by Mohammed Zubair

intro to book smooth talker

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America’s Worst Flavored Milk

“Listen, kids will drink anything if you just fill it up with sugar.  So, can we just do that?”

~Milk Executives

smoothies yo

Americans consume an impressive amount of milk on average—over 20 gallons per person, and that includes vegans who live life incorrectly.  The dairy industry is one of the largest agricultural groups in the nation, and most Americans grew up having milk crammed down their throats through school lunches and parents telling them to “drink your milk so you can grow up big and strong” or, in the case of AFFotD’s staff, “drink your milk so you can have a good base coat before you switch to whiskey.”  And while milk is delicious, many people view it as a healthy beverage, and the average American child would rather chew off his own arm than purposely consume something healthy.  And because this is America, and our government is secretly run by sugar lobbyists (don’t believe us?  Ask a European if they think our bread tastes sweet) we’ve naturally decided that there is only one way to make sure that kids drink enough milk for their bones to become calcified adamantium.

Apparently we couldn’t really justify just adding a bunch of sugar to regular milk, so that added hyperactivity had to be introduced through various flavors, with varying success.  Now, we can all support chocolate milk, and while the taste/potential abject horror of strawberry and banana flavored milk can be easily questioned, they’ve unfortunately been around long enough to be merely “gross” and not “oh my God, what have we done” to the modern American consumer.  That doesn’t really forgive us for the sins that we’ve otherwise committed on dairy in our quest to turn milk from “a kind of thick white liquid we squirt from the bottom of a cow” to “candy!” in the minds of America’s youth.

Take solace, Lactose Intolerance sufferers of America.  You might miss out on cheese, and yogurt, and pizza, oh God now that we start listing things you can’t have we suddenly feel so bad for you, but you at least don’t have to deal with these.

America’s Worst Flavored Milk

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An April Fools’ Message From Our Editor-in-Chief

“Ugh, seriously guys?”

~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief

april-fools-day

Hi, America.  This is Johnny Roosevelt here, Editor-in-Chief of this fine portal of American greatness.  Ever since my great-grandfather invented America, the Roosevelt name has been dedicated to maintaining America’s might and almost Herculean ability to ignore our own faults while focusing on the good things in life.  Beer, bourbon, fried foods, and so forth.  So, while we normally like to avoid actual opinion articles on this site, since let’s be honest you’re usually coming here to find out what beers will get you drunk fastest, and we are nothing if not shameless panderers to page views, every once and a while I feel it’s time for me to step forward, give the rest of my writers a bit of a day off, and talk to you, the American people.  Or, you know, non-Americans, you’d be surprised how many Europeans randomly read this site.

And what is of such importance that I felt the need to wake up literally 4 hours earlier than usual, dealing with the whiskey hangover I associate with every Wednesday morning?  The date.  It’s April 1st.  For some of you, that’s just a normal day in spring.  For most of you, it’s APRIL FOOLS’ DAY and you’re going to be PULLING PRANKS!  That’s neat!  That’s cute.

You need to fucking stop, America.

carrie blood

Pictured above- still better than most April Fools’ pranks.

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The World’s Largest Candy (That You Can Buy Right Now)

“*begins seizing from sugar overdose*”

~AFFotD’s official product taste tester

giant candy corn

America loves candy so much that we wrote a kind of annoying song about how much we want it back in 1965, and we’ve not shut up about it since.  There’s something comforting about mainlining sugar into your veins, no matter how often Japan tries to ruin the concept.

And, in the gluttonous nature of American know-how that we like to champion, America also loves giant food that doesn’t need to be quite so giant.  Naturally, these two schools of thought have collided on many occasions, because a giant candy bar is much cooler than a giant stalk of celery, mom.

In this enterprising spirit, we’re here to salute America’s giant candy confections, but we’re not going to simply stick with some Guinness book of world records bullshit.

Sure, we could spend a few thousand words telling you about the 12,000 pound chocolate bar made by Chicago’s World Finest Chocolates, or the 7,000 pound lollipop made by See’s Candies out in Burlingame, California, but what good does that do you, the reader?

It might impress you, but does it give you the opportunity to go out, find something horribly unhealthy, and devour it in one sitting in what will probably prove to be the last and greatest mistake you ever made in your sugar-shortened life?

Hell no!  So we’re going to stick with the world’s largest candy items that you, yes you, irresponsible you, can purchase this very moment.

After all, you’re an adult, you can and have eaten cake for breakfast because you make your own rules and, hey, we’re all going to die someday, and overdosing on sucrose doesn’t sound much worse than drowning.

The World’s Largest Candy (That You Can Buy Right Now)

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Lobster Rolls: America’s Most Expensive Sandwich That’s Worth Every Penny

“Oh, this is so good.  Wait, what’s that?  Twenty three dollars?  Son of a bitch…eh, still worth it.”

~Lobster Roll Purchaser

lobster roll

We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again—few creatures of the sea are more American than lobsters.  They’re ageless monsters that turn red when we boil them alive, at which point we pay inordinate amounts of money to dunk them in melted butter while wearing a bib at a fancy dinner.  The fact that lobsters used to be considered peasant food, to the point that 17th century indentured servants insisted that it was inhumane to be fed lobster more than twice a week, only make its current decadent reputation more American.

Admittedly, much of the reason why the first Americans to encounter the lobster assumed it was only fit for bait and fertilizer stems from its “oh my God, it’s a monster, KILL IT WITH FIRE” appearance, as well as the fact that we used to primarily canned lobster meat to preserve it because we sometimes cannot be trusted with nice things.  Now, by the 20th century we realized lobster actually “tastes delicious” and “should probably cost more money” so it began to be treated as such, with “ordering a lobster in order to get the most expensive thing on the menu” being a worn out entertainment trope for quite some time by now.

Now, since we live in America, we naturally have to take expensive and gaudy ingredients and transform them into dishes that are typically served on paper plates with plastic utensils, and that’s exactly what we’ve done with lobster.  While we have plenty of “cheap foods made expensive by adding lobster meat” dishes, from lobster mac and cheese to lobster bisque, one of the most iconic, and most satisfying, American preparation of lobster can be summed up in two simple words.

Lobster.  Roll.

Lobster meat in a hot dog bun that costs way more money than you feel comfortable shelling out for a lunch item that’ll inevitably have half the meat fall out as you eat it, but manages to be delicious enough that you’ll still pay for it, yes,  lobster rolls are an American delicacy, despite every outward appearance trying to tell you otherwise.  Lobster rolls are sneakily classy, just like America.  Lobster rolls are America.  And that’s why we’re devoting this fun fact to…

Lobster Rolls: America’s Most Expensive Sandwich That’s Worth Every Penny

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Elm Farm Ollie: America’s Flying Milking Cow

“What’s the use of flying if you can’t even milk a cow on a plane?”

What?  Bob, are you having a stroke?

“Blast the monkey jam, Betty!”

~Transcript from 1930 International Air Exposition planning meeting

ollie the flying cow

You are blessed to live in a time where it’s actively difficult to be truly bored.  No, we know that any combination of events, from work meetings to being stuck in traffic can leave you “bored” but none of you have experience real boredom, in the same way that you’ve been hungry before but not actively starving.  We have the internet to distract us, we carry tiny computers in our pockets that can call people and play stupid but additive games, and apparently radio and television are things that people still kind of use when they don’t want to pay for premium Spotify accounts or Netflix.

We point this out because in the early 1900’s, that was not the case at all.  The human mind needs to be distracted, and when all you have is books and a lot of public shaming regarding masturbation, you’re going to seek out some pretty desperate ways to entertain yourself.  That’s as close to a segue as we’re going to get so we’ll just go ahead and tell you what this article is going to be about.

This is about the first time a cow was ever milked mid-air.

[awkward pause]

[howling wind]

America was a lot easier entertained in 1930, okay guys?  Let’s dive into this.

Elm Farm Ollie:  America’s Flying Milking Cow

 elm farm ollie

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The (Terrifying) Black-Bun Burgers of the World

Nope nope nope nope nope nope.”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

black burgers oh no

Depending on what non-affotd corners of the internet you choose to spend your free time perusing, you might have heard recently about Burger King ramping up the gross factor on their food by offering a black bun, black cheese burger called the Kuro, or Black burger.  This burger re-issue (yes, they tried it before, more on that later) used squid ink and bamboo charcoal to create an all-black burger.  Black cheese, black ketchup, black soul are combined for fast food connoisseurs in Japan (because of course this is happening in Japan), leading to a whole slew of internet chatter of “lol, Japan is crazy” (which, duh) and “ew, this looks gross so I tried it oh by the way I’m also a white 24-year-old living in Japan currently while maintaining a blog about my travels.”

What we find most surprising about this burger has nothing to do with its mere existence.  When talking about Japan, nothing surprises us anymore.  No, upon doing some digging, we discovered that Japan’s Burger King does not have a monopoly on this particular brand of culinary insanity.  So, get ready to see a lot of unappetizing pictures of a type of food you once loved, because we’re going to delve into…

The (Terrifying) Black-Bun Burgers of the World

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Boston Corbett: The (Insane) Killer Of John Wilkes Booth

“I mean, yeah.”

Boston Corbett, when asked “like, are you crazy, or?”

boston corbett

So, let’s talk about history, shall we?  American history, naturally, because that’s the best kind, and all you “our church was made in 1103, and our beer has been brewed for a thousand years” European ninnys can hand us the beer, sure, but otherwise shut your damn mouths.  American history is great, largely because, and we can’t believe how this gets glossed over in our Social Studies books in elementary school, but it is deeply weird a lot of the time.  Like, we once had a president die because he drank a bunch of milk and ate too many cherriesDied!  A real honest-to-God Commander-in-Chief died doing an impression of someone who plays Pac Man but keeps wanting to be able to eat the ghosts.

So the point is, American history is awesome, and entertaining, and deeply, deeply weird, and we at America Fun Fact of the Day embrace that, because it means that every day we can come across something we didn’t know that suddenly becomes our new favorite fact.

For example, Boston Corbett, the man who shot and killed Abraham Lincoln’s assassin, was a self-castrated soldier driven mad by mercury poison.  Let’s talk about that motherfucker, right?  Okay then!

Boston Corbett:  The (Insane) Killer Of John Wilkes Booth

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The History of the X-League Indoor Football League

“The ‘X’ is for ‘EXTREME.’  What has happened to my life?”

~Michael Mink, CEO and Commissioner of X-League Indoor Football

x-league

This week, in celebration of National Professional American Indoor Football Week, which is a fake event that we made up to justify this whole enterprise, we have been writing extremely longwinded articles about various professional indoor football leagues and their teams.  This honestly-pretty-weird idea for a themed week of articles has seen us write about the Indoor Football League and the Professional Indoor Football League, both of which pay their players about $200 a game to sacrifice their bodies while possible over 100 bloodthirsty fans cheer for their demise like the gladiators of old.

While we already know way more about semiprofessional indoor football leagues than anyone really should (technically they’re “professional” because they get paid, but when we’re dealing with salaries this low, calling these leagues anything more than semiprofessional is like claiming to be an auto parts salesman because you once traded your old station wagon to Carmax) we’re going to that well one more time to tell you about the newest and, if we’re being perfectly honest, stupidest participant in the overcrowded arena football game.

No seriously, this gets kind of dumb.  Don’t say we didn’t warn you.  Anyway, let’s talk about…

The History of the X-League Indoor Football League

arena kickoff

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The History of the Professional Indoor Football League