Tag Archives: AFFotD Website Review

AFFotD Website Review: 123newyear.com

“…Is this written by a robot, an alien, or both?”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt

635850197284573487-484381917_Setting-Goals-for-2016

We plan on writing a proper New Year’s Eve article tomorrow about ball dropping, because we haven’t posted in a while and we giggle at the term “ball dropping” due to our perpetual adolescence.  But before we go ahead with that, we want to take a quick moment to introduce you to a very special website that tells you everything you need to know about American New Year’s Eve celebrations.

Welcome to the New Year in America – Traditions and Customs, by 123newyear.com.

It is an insignificant blip on the 3% of the internet not devoted to pornography―526 words about New Year’s traditions in America, 410 of which specifically address New Years in America.  The other 116 words talk about “South American New Year Traditions” without even trying to pretend like they are aware that different countries in an entire continent might not share the same cultures and practices.  There is no author, and one comment on the entire page.

It is such a tiny, tiny little thing on the internet that no one would give a second look, and we love it so much.  Because it was clearly not written by a human being, and watching a computer program trying to describe this hu-man celebration gives us endless joy.  So let’s go through this article, shall we?

AFFotD Website Review:  123newyear.com

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AFFotD Website Review: NBC.com.co

“Oh, wait.  That’s the joke?  They’re just making shit up?  That’s stupid.  That’s so fucking stupid.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt upon reading an nbc.com.co article

satire

Listen, America.  We’re going to have to sit down and have a little chat. In a world where thousands of people constantly assume that The Onion is real, it’s really important that we know what we’re doing when we’re trying to bring satire into people’s lives.  So while it’s hilarious for us to see someone stumble across a satirical article and go into a mouth-foaming rage about, say, 22,000 Polar Bears having to live on the Earth’s one remaining iceberg, there are a lot of lazy writers out there that see your standard Clickholes or Borowitz Report and think, “Hey I can do that!  All I have to do is make up fake stories, right?”

Obviously, there’s much more to satire than just making up stories, and there’s definitely much more to satire than making up stories with the express hope that people actually think it’s real.  It’s like when that asshole acquaintance of yours on Facebook posts an article about Firefly getting rebooted, only to take you to a “YOU GOT PRANKED!” page right after you clicked the link (and shortly before you unfriended said acquaintance on Facebook).  There’s nothing particularly clever about that, and there’s definitely nothing satirical going on.  It’s just stupid.

We recently saw one of these stupid websites in an article titled “Yelp Sues South Park For $10 Million Over Latest Episode.”  Now, that seemed possibly a bit far-fetched, but we clicked the link because we saw it was NBC.  “Huh, wait, so this is posted on the NBC website?  That seems…huh.”  As we read it, increasingly thinking, “Wait…this can’t be a real story” we finally noticed that the website wasn’t nbc.com.  It was nbc.com.co.  Because the internet is fucking stupid.  And we are here to review it.

AFFotD Website Review:  NBC.com.co

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AFFotD Website Review: archure.net

“I have noticed that modern trends in psychology tend to favor the Bonobo culture with Bonoboism; so myself being sexually straight, I thought perhaps I should revert to Gorillism, till I found out they are sometimes bi also.  So I will stick with being human, a straight human, one of the 75% and proud.”

~ “ARCHURE, a one man band” (no, seriously, he said that)

archure header

Strap in, folks, today’s fun fact is going to be a weird one.  Through means that we’d never be able to soberly duplicate even if we tried (this is what happens when you blackout surf the internet) we stumbled across the website for ARCHURE, who, despite what you might think, is actually a musician and not some sort of weird strange wannabe new age cultist.  Sure in his rambling, strange, made-in-1992-looking website, he manages to include dozens of links for his…music (which involves weird synchs and a generally jarringly slow pace-he claims his favorite instruments are drums and guitars but he infers he’s playing all of the instruments in the tracks, which might explain why they sound so…special) but, unlike any musician’s webpage ever ever ever, his site has devolved into a terrifying mix of militant vegetarian articles (never a way to get on our good side), strange psychological and anthropological treaties, and like a million decrees that he is not gay ARCHURE IS NOT GAY SO PLEASE STOP ASKING!

So we’re going to do an AFFotD review of archure.net’s “Sex Facts” pages (yes there are two pages) (yes they are long enough to warrant a whole website review) (yes, for the last time, this is the promotional website of a musician, please stop asking the answer will not change no matter how much you want it to) to help show you the ways that ARCHURE wants to expand your mind through more than his music.  And by the way, he is single, SINGLE AND STRAIGHT SEE FOR YOURSELF ON PLENTY OF FISH AND OKCUPID HE’S GOT BOTH ACCOUNTS LISTED ON HIS SITE BECAUSE HE IS A STRAIGHT MALE

archure is not gay

If you’re curious, the word “hetero” is hyperlinked to the Wikipedia page for Heterosexuality.

ARCHURE.  IS.  NOT.  GAY.

(ARCHURE is probably gay)

AFFotD Website Review:  archure.net (ARCHURE is not gay, though he has gay friends, nothing wrong with that)

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AFFotd Website Review: duanethegreatwriter.info

“Um…?”

~Everyone Reading a Book by DUANE THE GREAT WRITER

duane the great writer

Listen, guys, we don’t know how to tackle this topic.  We’re just going to get that out of the way.  We discovered a series of books online written by someone called, in all caps, and this is not a joke, DUANE THE GREAT WRITER.  He has written 48 fucking books that you can read on Google Books, and he might be a serial killer?  There are books such as “THE REALHISTORY OF THE REALGUIDES” and “REBAZAR TARZS PRESENTS THE NUMAN” and, also, “KING ARTHER & THE KNIGHTS” which, um, what?  We originally wanted to do a book review, but that would involve reading all this batshit insanity, so we thought it might be safer to do a website review of his personal site, www.duanethegreatwriter.info.  We figured that would be the easiest way to approach this situation, but we’ve still got no idea what the hell is going on here.  This is pure concentrated crazy like you can only find on the internet.

We’re going to try to tell you what this guy’s about based on what we can find on his site, but we’re not optimistic that we can come up with anything coherent.  No, seriously, this is the kind of shit we’ve been staring at all day.

all will be consumed

Save us.

AFFotd Website Review:  duanethegreatwriter.info

more like all is GONE

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AFFotD Website Review: TheVoodooMagickShop.com

“Hahaha, oh my God, this is, what!?”

~Official AFFotD Web Searchers

voodoo magic shot

The internet is a very strange and extremely boob-laden place.  But every once and a while, you stumble across a crucial sector of the internet—comically crazy website, usually with geocities-circa-1995 effects, that promise crazy things that could only exist in the high-volume, low-standard world of the internet.  And as your once-daily-now-whenever-we-feel-like-it purveyor of important content through the internet, our day-to-day interractions with the World Wide Web (fun fact- that’s what www stands for!) often leave us frightened, cold, and hugging our knees mumbling our mothers’ names into our sadness rag.

But sometimes we just find websites that try to be something serious and end up being insanely hilarious.  We figure we should start telling you about those.  Welcome to our newest feature—AFFotD Website Review, where we go to the strange corners of the internet so you don’t have to.  In today’s “hahaha, whaaaat?” we bring you…

AFFotD Website Review:  TheVoodooMagickShop.com

magick shop

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