~Everyone Reading a Book by DUANE THE GREAT WRITER
Listen, guys, we don’t know how to tackle this topic. We’re just going to get that out of the way. We discovered a series of books online written by someone called, in all caps, and this is not a joke, DUANE THE GREAT WRITER. He has written 48 fucking books that you can read on Google Books, and he might be a serial killer? There are books such as “THE REALHISTORY OF THE REALGUIDES” and “REBAZAR TARZS PRESENTS THE NUMAN” and, also, “KING ARTHER & THE KNIGHTS” which, um, what? We originally wanted to do a book review, but that would involve reading all this batshit insanity, so we thought it might be safer to do a website review of his personal site, www.duanethegreatwriter.info. We figured that would be the easiest way to approach this situation, but we’ve still got no idea what the hell is going on here. This is pure concentrated crazy like you can only find on the internet.
We’re going to try to tell you what this guy’s about based on what we can find on his site, but we’re not optimistic that we can come up with anything coherent. No, seriously, this is the kind of shit we’ve been staring at all day.
AFFotd Website Review: duanethegreatwriter.info
We, listen, we’re not at all sure what the hell this guy is going on about. We’re going to try, but if this comes off as word gibberish with strange airbrushed pictures, well, that’s DUANE THE GREAT WRITER’s fault, not ours. First of all, his website—there are no sections to the site it is literally one massive scrolling page with various lines of gibberish and the occasional moveon.org petition with 90 signatures for you to click on. There’s frankly no way to delve into this sea of madness with any logical order—we can’t break it up by section, so we can only tell you what we learn about whatever the fuck DUANE THE GREAT WRITER’s group or belief is. We think it’s the NuPresentation foundation, but it might just be NU, he says NU all the fucking time, is he a fan of Northwestern University athletics or something? No one knows! Probably not though!
Anyway, the top of the site tries to map out their goal which, as far as we can tell, is to build a research boat covered in solar panels. They’re apparently pro-environment (“ALLIS THE NATURAL ENVIRONMENT…It makes sense to realistically support the ALLNatural Envorinment that Supports ALL of US”) and pro-children (“THE CHILDREN ARE THE FUTURE NOW…They are The Future Now, and it makes sense to share something Wonderful!”) and they are pro-crazy eyes (“WE HAVE PEARLS WHERE ONCE WERE EYES… The Demons Speak to us in Docile Tones”).
Okay that last one miiiight have been made up. Not the first two though. Oh, and he keeps saying that we should be singing the NU-U-U-U which is, as far as we can ascertain, a thing that is described and elaborated on roughly zero times in this whole mess of a page. Also he wants children to fly on surfboards or?
He mentions Eva sporadically throughout, like this image which seems to have Duane as a young child, Eva as a woman who could be anywhere from 10-30, and this fucking Silver Surfer baby flying around to look at the beach butterflies and dolphins who are dangerously close to shore. We don’t know who Eva is, but we’re led to believe she’s in charge of DUANE’s facebook page, and possibly his social media interactions. She could either be DUANE’s wife, sister, or prisoner—none of those answers would surprise us. Her facebook page is, um, well pretty much what you’d expect considering the website of DUANE THE GREAT WRITER.
At this point, we get to see Rebazar Tarzs, a bearded man in a robe with a large stick who kind of looks like the younger-in-flashback-scenes version of The Most Interesting Man in the World. He tells you to sing the NU-U song, and that it is real. His existence, or relevance, much like the NU-U song, is never discussed or described by DUANE.
(Okay, fine, we did some digging—he’s a figure of the religious movement Eckankar, which is a very-very-cult-sounding spiritual group founded by Paul Twitchell, who we’re going to write about at a future date because of his batshit craziness. Rebazar Tarzs is supposed to be “the torchbearer of Eckankar in the lower worlds” and is “said to be over 500 years old.” Oh, and also, “Rebazar Tarzs lives in a hut in the Hindu Kush mountains and appears to many as he helps present the living ECK Master in the works of Eckankar.“ Okay cool.)
By this point we actually get the first concrete description of something that DUANE is hoping to accomplish. It is also comically expensive, horribly impractical, and clearly never going to happen. He wants to build a massive solar-powered boat for kids to learn about the ocean and have it, uh, we don’t know, teach kids? We just know they want to build it, and put it in dock in “Surf City” Huntington Beach, California (of course this guy is from California). As far as we can tell, this ship would cost hundreds of millions of dollars to make.
This is the project he started that online petition for. He mentions that the oceans are good, and that we should, like, support nature? And also, we need to sing the NU-U which, seriously, what the fuck is the NU-U this is really starting to annoy us. From here, with no discernible transition, he talks about how you have to free yourself from “TapLining” which, again, is never described at all. (We looked up the descriptive blurb for his book, Taplining for Beginners, which costs $16 more than it should [it should cost negative one penny] and as far as we can tell it’s that people are tapping into our dreams to…make us do stuff?”) An image of clouds pops up with the words “FREE YOURSELF FROM TAPLINING” with the website www.TapLining.info. It’s not a hyperlink—there’s nothing for you to click, you literally have to type in that address to a browser to go to the site, which promptly redirects you…to duanethegreatwriter.info’s homepage. Great job, everyone.
Scrolling down further reveals a series of “Nubooks” written by DUANE THE GREAT WRITER, including “FROM THEN TO NOW” (“Duane is being taught in a previous lifetime by Rebazar Tarzs. Meet ‘Goldie’ the halfbreed Indian who can See the Future!”) and “THE NUWAVIS THE REALROD OF PURITY” (“In 2001, Paul the Seer gave Duane what he termed ‘The Rod of Power’). We’ll pause and let you make your own dick joke for that last one.
You’re then told about various courses you can take from DUANE THE GREAT WRITER—there’s the TRUCOMPLETENISS COURSE, which suggests you read “at least one of the NUBooks before starting” and apparently takes three years to complete at about $200 per year.
If you don’t want to get too involved, there’s the NU~YU DREAMCOURSE, which, and yes we sound like a broken record here, never really tells you what you’re supposed to learn. There’s a lot of words with Real put in front of them, and that’s it. NU~YU, for example, costs $60.00 a year for “The NUAdventure Duane&Eva are creating for The WorldWide WakeUp.” That is followed with the NU-U sessions, which actually kind of describes the “singing the NU-U” without actually making sense. We’ll just pull a quote here. “The NU-U Sessions are very simple and Very Real, as they will make The RealConnection to The SoundLight ALLAliveniss LIfeIS. The easiest way is to get comfortable before going to sleep, then start softly singing…NU-U-U. Extend each part of the NUUU-UUU-UUU out and have fun feeling the sound with you.” God, if Duane and Eva are actually married, their sex must sound really weird, and their bedroom must be really annoying. Can you imagine? Just two people going “NUUU-UUUU-UUUUUUUUU” all fucking night? God, that’s our nightmare.
Here we see a picture of Duane and his dolphin, and we are shocked, shocked, to realize he is a middle aged Southern California surfer. He finally gives us a description of what he’s actually trying to do here, which he does by saying, well, nothing. “Duane nor Duane The Great Writer, does not advocate being a ‘master or guru’ and does not claim anyone Else’s ‘title’ to anything, nor is Duane providing a ‘teaching’ the likes of which others are doing” DUANE rambles, using a few dozen words to say literally nothing. “Also, Duane is not ‘anti-anything’ nor does he advocate any type of ‘movement, protesting or rebellion’ of any kind. Duane is fine with ALL.” We guess that’s all well and good. DUANE is honestly almost polite with his crackpottedness, which is refreshing, though naturally he closes out with a list of “POINTS OF INTEREST YOU MAY WANT TO UNDERSTAND BETTER…” which lists all of the crazy conspiracy theory bullshit you’d expect, but makes a point to ask it as a question as opposed to shouting it like a crazy person. We appreciate that! We can even answer the questions to his points of interest.
>Are the Vaccines really what they are marketed to be?
Yes, duh. Next question.
>Are the ChemTrails in the sky really what we are being told?
What, you mean like, plane exhaust? Yes. Next question.
>Why has it been decided that we need Fluoridated Water?
Because we actually need fluoride in our daily diet and IQ scores have gone up 20 points in children since we started doing that? Like, duh?
>Is a lot of the world on a ‘Holy Ride’ with the ‘spiritual ideas’ of ancient times with their gods, saviors, masters and gurus?
Are you high, DUANE THE GOOD WRITER?
Anyway, there’s not much else talked about on the site, so at this point, we’d just like to copy and paste a handful of covers from DUANE THE GREAT WRITER’s books that he included on here. They involve the best use of clipart this side of a 1996 Geocities page.
Just let that sink in, you guys. Look at that witch! Is that a UFO dropping green ropes into that naked woman’s back? What the fuck is wrong with her spine? Why are there so many bats?! Is that the green cousin of the eye of Sauron? We’d ask ourselves “who would look at this cover and say, ‘yup, that’s perfect, that looks totally presentable and no one would have any difficulty taking that seriously’” except that this is by someone who actually calls himself “DUANE THE GREAT WRITER” so, really, we should stop trying to place his books in a world where people act rationally.
That’s one of those stock images that comes in like the 1998 version of Microsoft Word, right? Like, there’s clip art and then there’s clip art most of us last used in the 5th grade, and this is definitely in the latter…
Whaaaaaat? Is going on here? Hahahaha, oh God, yeah, we’re done here. Jesus Christ, DUANE, you…well, you’re an interesting guy, we’ll grant you that. Ha ha, what the actual fuck. That’s all we’ve got. We’re pretty sure we’ve gotten dumber writing this, and we’re strangely content with that fact. So, uh, good job then, DUANE?