“Hahaha, oh my God, this is, what!?”
~Official AFFotD Web Searchers
The internet is a very strange and extremely boob-laden place. But every once and a while, you stumble across a crucial sector of the internet—comically crazy website, usually with geocities-circa-1995 effects, that promise crazy things that could only exist in the high-volume, low-standard world of the internet. And as your once-daily-now-whenever-we-feel-like-it purveyor of important content through the internet, our day-to-day interractions with the World Wide Web (fun fact- that’s what www stands for!) often leave us frightened, cold, and hugging our knees mumbling our mothers’ names into our sadness rag.
But sometimes we just find websites that try to be something serious and end up being insanely hilarious. We figure we should start telling you about those. Welcome to our newest feature—AFFotD Website Review, where we go to the strange corners of the internet so you don’t have to. In today’s “hahaha, whaaaat?” we bring you…
AFFotD Website Review: TheVoodooMagickShop.com
We understand that you’re probably sitting there, wondering how in the holy hell we found this random Voodoo Magic(k) online store, and we really wish we could answer that, but just like Amazon.com order receipts you read after a night of blackout drinking, there’s really no use trying to retrace your steps after your seventh drink of the night. All we know is that when we came to, head on the keyboard, drool on our desk, we were here, and we were absolutely delighted.
So come along with us, as we delve into the website for the “Hollywood & World Famous” The Voodoo Magick Shop (dot com).
Listen, chumps. We know you’ve been “working” to “make money” but really, you’re a fool for not working for a week, quitting once you get your first pay check, and then sending that money straight to The Voodoo Magick Shop so you can get your item#dcastmw2 Quadruple-Cast Version. This shit’s normally $495.95, which frankly is a steal for a quadruple-cast spell that promises “MEGA=CASH MONEY WEALTH.” But they went and took almost 50% off the dang spell! For 270 bucks, you can get a money magnatizm [sic] spell, which attracts money, while also getting rid of any debts, hooking you up with some fast cash and the ability to maintain wealth for life, and if that’s not enough, you’ll get a money luck spell and a gambling luck spell! If you have $270 in your bank account, and have not purchased this quadruple-cast spell, you’re a sucker. That’s all there is to it, a pure sucker. This is free money people—why invest in “a well-balanced financial portfolio” when you can have a voodoo spell ensure your riches forever?
The best part? Once you get your riches (which is guaranteed to happen, according to not a single part of this website) you’ll have no trouble buying the rest of the quadruple-cast spells. What spells you, you ask? What, you didn’t say anything? Well we’ll tell you what spells anyway!
- Direct Casting Return a Love Spell (Black Magick Spell Version): This spell includes, “A BLACK WIDOW LOVE TRAP HIGH-POWERED ATTRACTION SPELL. AND EXTREMELY POWERFUL TANGLED WEB LOVE TRAP SPELL!” This is the perfect spell if you “have a loved one who won’t listen to reason and refuses to come back to you” but, be warned, “THERE IS NO ESCAPING THE TANGLED WEB OF THE BLACK WIDOW MAGICKAL SPELL!”
- Direct Casting Return a Love spell (White Magick Spell Version): Hey, you might not want to be ensnared in the tangled web of the black widow magickal spell. Thevoodoomagickshop.com gets that. Actually, this one is actively confusing, because it includes a “BREAK-UP OR KEEP AWAY FROM MY LOVE SPELL” which seems to imply it’s a way to keep your ex out of your life, but then also includes “a high-powered RELATIONSHIP ENHANCEMENT spell that will greatly improve the relationship between you and your love…and bring peace as a couple.” But hey, it’s the same price as the black magick version, so why not get both?
- Direct Casting Love Sex Passion Spell: This is a “~*~Voodoo Magick Shop~*~ ULTIMATE DIRECT CASTING LOVE SEX PASSION MULTI SPELL !” It includes an attraction spell, a “find your soulmate/return a lover” spell, a sinful sex spell, and a keep someone faithful spell. For those of you financial experts out there (which is all of you, what with that wealth spell you bought already), this comes with a Return a Lover spell, so you could probably skip the last two and buy this to get the complete package. There is no indication on if you’ll get the white magick or black magick package, so prepare yourself for a fun surprise!
- Direct Casting Beauty Make-Over Spell For Women: Here is the picture they use for this spell.
This is a classy website.
- Direct Casting Beauty Spell For Men: At least they give a little something for the ladies as well.
And finally, we have…
- Direct Casting Weight-Loss Spell: If you think that this is included for the beauty spell for men and women, well, maybe you should check your outdated notions of beauty at the door—any size can be beautiful, and honestly you’re kind of disgusting for suggesti…oh wait, the weight loss spell is also included in both the beauty spells? Never mind. Did we mention that all of these spells cost the exact same amount?
But if you think this website is all about spells, oh, how you’d be only partly correct. Did you know for between 18 and 35 dollars, you can buy yourself your very own VOODOO MAGICK SHOP spell ring?
And yes, we have noticed that they like to start with the “money-giving” products at the top before going into “look better, and get yourself laid” ventures. In case the type is too small for you to read, this section comes with a very serious warning for those who want to purchase their “***AUTHENTIC HIGH_PRIEST VOODOO SPELL RING***”. “These rings and dolls have POWERFUL energy !!!” you are cautioned. “If this scares you do not purchase it ! People whom have used these Voodoo dolls and spell rings have felt them shake and vibrate, seen visions, felt massive cold-chills down their spines, have went from having back, neck and leg pains to moving about and walking PAIN FREE, many reports of visions and black-outs while holding it.”
They are sure to add “THESE RINGS ARE READY FOR IMMEDIATE USE ON ……., WELL IF YOU’VE MADE IT THIS FAR THEN YOU ALREADY KNOW WHOM THIS WILL BE FOR NOW DON’T YOU !!” which might be our favorite part of the website. Look at you, VooDoo Magick Shop, getting salty on us.
Every single ring for sale on this site comes with the exact same disclaimer, so we’ll just run through the various options. There’s a ring resting on a crystal that works as a weight-loss spell ring, there’s a triple-charged revenge spell ring that has spikes on it and is pictured with ebay’s logo next to it for some reason, a heath and healing cure spell ring that looks like a horrific human-centipede made out of turtles, not one, but TWO quit drinking and cure addiction spell rings, which if you’ll allow us to break the fourth wall here for a moment is actually a really morally questionable bit of false hope to sell online.
There’s also (not making this up) a “VOODOO MAGICK SHOP PERFECT TEETH SPELL RING” because fuck the dentist, this weird ring with an emerald will set your pearly whites right, and a growth spell, because for just $34.95 (down from the original $50 asking price) you can “grow taller by an inch or several inches !”
By now, you’re thinking, “AFFotD, you’ve really spent more time on this website than you really need to. We get it, it’s bad, and kind of comically so, but…” and what’s that you say? You want to know about voodoo dolls on this site? LET’S DO IT!
No, that’s okay, there’s nothing unsettling about trying to use a “Super-Charged LOVE TRAP Spell” with a doll called the Black Widow that looks like it’s the prelude to a hate crime. The description doesn’t really do much to take away that creepy, sort of rape-y vibe, telling you, “THIS LOA VOODOO DOLL HAS AN EXTREMELY POWERFUL SUPER-CHARGED “BLACK” MAGICK TANGLED WEB SPELL ! TRAP HIM OR HER IN YOUR WEB OF DEEP PASSION & DESIRE AND DO WHAT YOU WISH ! THERE IS NO ESCAP…” okay yeah, no, this is definitely coming off like it’s trying to encourage a rape, this is some fucked up stuff here, thevoodoomagickshop.com.
Every voodoo doll pictured has a kind of disturbing name, while looking like something like a combination of a Sunday School “decorate your cross” project and, well, felt wrapped around twigs. There are a lot of them, and thankfully most of them aren’t about tricking someone into having sex with you! Unfortunately, some of them also include…
Listen, guys, we get that you’re trying to hawk this fancy cross as a weight-loss alternative, and you’re thinking, “Petite, that’s what these people want.” But do you really have to go so overboard with giving it a name just so it can have some alliteration to it? Though don’t let the name fool you, since they assert “SPELL IS FOR EITHER SEX.”
“What’s in the box, Mr. Big Bucks? WHAT’S IN THE BOXXXXXXXXX?”
There’s something deeply unsettling about the ones that have actual legs. Like Mr. Mega-Cash Man, who looks like a frog-like Pokémon that you’re trying to shut away forever while it goes to hug you. Shh, shh, Mega-Cash Man, it’ll all be over soon. Actually, this is downright cheerful when compared to the worst item on the list…
Oh sweet Jesus, everything that is unholy exists in this doll. If you look closely the head….tails that this doll has are partly closed off by a ring that has a skull on it, it’s wearing a metal choker, and oh yeah, it’s eyes are just empty X’s and it’s a revenge doll called the motherfucking bone collector. If you’re the kind of person who would spend $60 to get a super-charged revenge doll called The Bone Collector, you could have saved yourself a lot of trouble by saying “I’m the kind of person who would spend $60 to get a super-charged revenge doll called The Bone Collector” to everyone you meet to ensure that they do absolutely nothing to get on your bad side ever. Not because they believe in voodoo, mind you, mainly because they do not want to wake up on morning to the soft squishy sounds of you stabbing them in the face, you fucking lunatic.
Well, we don’t think we can top this. If you want to find out about all the great testimonials this site has in no way fabricated or paid for, here’s a link that’ll launch you all the way back to 1998. And for the rest of you who wondered what a voodoo website might look like in the modern Altavista age, well, that’s why we’re here, to do the dirty work for you.
And if the site gets shut down due to some grave misfortunes in the next month or so, well, we guess you can know who wanted it to happen. Shit, good point, uh, VOODOO MAGICK SHOP IS THE BEST SITE ON THE INTERNET GOOD JOB EVERYONE!