“*begins seizing from sugar overdose*”
~AFFotD’s official product taste tester
America loves candy so much that we wrote a kind of annoying song about how much we want it back in 1965, and we’ve not shut up about it since. There’s something comforting about mainlining sugar into your veins, no matter how often Japan tries to ruin the concept. And, in the gluttonous nature of American know-how that we like to champion, America also loves giant food that doesn’t need to be quite so giant. Naturally, these two schools of thought have collided on many occasions, because a giant candy bar is much cooler than a giant stalk of celery, mom.
In this enterprising spirit, we’re here to salute America’s giant candy confections, but we’re not going to simply stick with some Guinness book of world records bullshit. Sure, we could spend a few thousand words telling you about the 12,000 pound chocolate bar made by Chicago’s World Finest Chocolates, or the 7,000 pound lollipop made by See’s Candies out in Burlingame, California, but what good does that do you, the reader? It might impress you, but does it give you the opportunity to go out, find something horribly unhealthy, and devour it in one sitting in what will probably prove to be the last and greatest mistake you ever made in your sugar-shortened life? Hell no! So we’re going to stick with the world’s largest candy items that you, yes you, irresponsible you, can purchase this very moment. After all, you’re an adult, you can and have eaten cake for breakfast because you make your own rules and, hey, we’re all going to die someday, and overdosing on sucrose doesn’t sound much worse than drowning.
The World’s Largest Candy (That You Can Buy Right Now)
Candy, in the very vague definition of “sweet, edible treat with sugar as the main ingredient” has existed for thousands of years, first as honey-based varieties, and then later by the Persians and Greeks using actual sugar after the discovery of sugar cane in India. While the vast history of candy can best be illustrated through a series of wood etchings that just show people from various historic eras shouting, “Sugar sugar sugar, gimme gimme gimme!” the past few hundred years have seen remarkable breakthroughs in candy science (shut up it’s a thing probably) and this lucky generation has literally thousands of different ways to satisfy their sweet tooth. But there’s one type of candy that is the great equalizer. Death. Wait, we meant to say, “Big ass candy bars.” Like the following. Which you can, and totally should buy and eat in one sitting.*
*AFFotD is not responsible for any readers who fall into a diabetic coma after taking our advice, because we don’t even know what a diabetic coma is.
So prepare whatever part of your body is supposed to siphon off excess sugar (is the endocrine system a thing?) and get ready to accidentally drunkenly purchase at least one of the following.
World’s Largest York Peppermint Patties (2 half-pound patties, $20)
While a half pound candy falls in the category of “a bit much, but nothing absolutely insane by America’s gluttonous standards” we felt we had to include the world’s largest peppermint patties because, well, just imagining eating that much peppermint gives us a stomach ache. Like, we’d google “can you overdose and die from eating too much peppermint” but we don’t want to fuck with the google image results there. The point being, for twenty American dollars, you can possess enough peppermint to probably (?) kill an adult human. Either way, you’re dealing with a mass-produced chocolate covered peppermint disc that’s roughly the size of a Frisbee and, coming in at $10 per Pattie, about as expensive as an okay one.
Admittedly, we’d have to imagine there’d be something supremely satisfying about snapping one of these suckers in half, and by the time you’re finished with it you’ll never feel the urge to buy a York Pattie at the movie theater concession stand ever again, but as ridiculous as this item is, we’re only just getting started. Because if mint isn’t your thing, you can drop twenty bucks to get yourself…
World’s Largest Snickers Bar (10 inches long, 1 pound, $20)
The package says “Slice n’ Share” but don’t listen to them, you’re going to want to eat this all by yourself, all in one sitting. Sure, it’s 2,000 calories, and about as heavy as six king-sized Snickers bars mashed into an unholy concoction, but if anything we just gave you two more reasons why you should be eating this mess of chocolate, nougat, caramel, and peanuts at this very moment, snarling at everyone who comes by your desk saying, “Wow! That’s a huge Snickers, can you cut me off a piece?” No, Marge, this is our Snickers, buy your own fucking Snickers, arf arf arf DO NOT FUCK WITH US WE ARE AMPED UP ON SUGAR AND BOURBON MARGE.
Sorry about that.
Snickers is your second favorite candy bar, behind that other one that no one agrees with. It’s universally described as, “Oh, I love Snickers, but my favorite candy bar has to be…” and is a member of the “can be tossed in a public pool as a practical joke” family of treats. At ten inches of chocolaty goodness, this is the first Snickers bar that can be used in a penis joke without coming off as an insult, which has nothing to do with this article, we just are contractually obligated to make a penis joke whenever praising something that uses “ten inches” as a descriptive trait.
Speaking of penises.
World’s Largest Gummy Worm (26 inches long, 3 pounds, $248.91 for 10)
This is a monster. Yes, you can buy this two-foot-and-change, 4,000 calorie gummy worm individually, but the fact that someone’s selling them in packs of ten amuses us to no end. There’s something wonderfully American about the someone making an impossibly giant gummy worm and then thinking to themselves, “Shit, they’ll probably want to be able to buy this in bulk, right?” We’ll just assume that the price doesn’t factor in the shipping costs for sending 30 pounds of semi-solid colored sugar through the mail, though honestly, for $250, shipping should be included.
You might find yourself surprised to hear that the Gummi worm has only been around since 1981 when Trolli released them to celebrate the 60th anniversary of the release of gummi bears. In the 34 years or so since their release, however, gummi/gummy worms have become dependable and delicious filling-removing and braces-ruining staples in the American confectionery diet. Of course, part of the appeal of gummy worms is the ability to eat them by the handful, which is what makes this gargantuan product even more impressive. Apparently, this is the equivalent of about 126 regular gummy worms, which feels kind of low to us, so we’ll just say it’s about a million gummy worms worth of gummy.
Now’s the part where we show how, when the worm is shown as a single color being held straight up and down, it totally looks like a double-sided dildo.
What? Is it wrong to point out that a giant candy clearly looks like a sex toy? Does that offend your sensibilities?
Anyway, next candy.
World’s Largest HERSHEY’S Bar (20x2x12 inches, 5 pounds, $45)
If you can’t justify spending $45 on five pounds of chocolate, you clearly put too much value on the nonessentials of life, like “rent” or “nutritious food” or “your insulin.” Here we have a Hershey’s bar roughly the size of a human torso that’s so massive it has to be reinforced with a cardboard frame to make sure it doesn’t snap under its own weight. Just look upon it. Look upon it and weep, for there are no more battles left to fight. We’ve got our giant chocolate people. We can all go home now.
World’s Largest Lollipop (approx. 10 Pounds, $90)
This item doesn’t claim to be the largest lollipop, sure, but if you can find a lollipop that’s bigger than 10 pounds with a fifteen inch circumference we’ll eat our shoes (which are also made of candy) (we might have a bit of a problem). This lollipop, called “Gigantic Kaleidoscope Lollipop” goes by several names, including “upholstery ruiner” and “oh God it’s been just two days since we started this and it’s covered in ants, and they’ve formed a complex colony, and when I tried to throw it away they ate our dog the ants ATE our fucking DOG.” Giant lollipops have long been standby comedic props because of the absurdity of the very premise. Real lollipops are sucked on or licked (listen, we know, tee-hee and all that, let’s just be adult about this and continue on with the sentence without drawing more attention to it) until you get bored, and bite the whole thing in a giant crunch. Giant lollipops are basically an exercise in frustration. Unlike everything else on this list, it’s not really made for sharing, and it’s supposed to be eaten in one sitting, so you’re making a helluva commitment when you drop ninety dollars on ten pounds of hardened sugar and corn syrup mounted on a stick.
World’s Largest Gummy Bear (26 pounds, $150)
What you see above contains the equivalent of 1,400 gummy bears, making this the official gummy bear of diabetics who are looking to have a sugar-fueled Leaving Las Vegas reenactment. At 32,000 calories, we have to assume that this was created in response to candy maker’s 5-year-old son asking, “Dad, is it possible to eat so much candy at once you die?” Look at that unholy gummy bear. That costs one hundred and fifty American dollars and contains a two weeks’ worth of your caloric intake.
By the way, here’s the video they made to promote it.
We’re sorry we did that to you.
Here’s a video of a group of kids eating it.
We’re also sorry we did that to you. If it’s any consolation, assuming that they ate that in one sitting, they’re dead now. Does that make you feel better? It does? Good.
Alright, well that was a harrowing experience, America. Let’s cleanse the palate with a video of someone shooting the 5 pound version of the gummy bear a bunch of times.
Well done, America. Well done.