Category Archives: American Heroes

America is filled with everyday heroes who help make this country great. By reading America Fun Fact of the Day, you’ve proven that you yourself are also an American hero. And we salute you.

But there’s no way in hell we’re going to salute you by making a fun fact about you, since this page is reserved for REAL heroes. You know, the people who are important enough to get wikipedia pages and such.

Aloysius Stanislaus Travers- America’s Worst Professional Player Of All Time

“No, guys, I’m trying to tell ya, I’m not very good at baseball.  No, stop laughing, that wasn’t a joke!”

~Reverand Aloysius Stanislaus Travers, 1912


Baseball is a paradoxical sport.  It has the fewest physical demands, the least physical risk, yet the most high-profile injuries and steroid abusers.  It’s suffered strike-shortened seasons, rampant cocaine use, and even Jose Conseco and lived to tell the tale.  But, much like medicine, most things in America during the early 20th century were ridiculous.  Baseball was no different.  1912 in baseball was full of only-decent-athletes, strange rules, and blatant bigotry.

Mainly the bigotry thing though.

That is how one of the biggest racist best baseball player of All-Time helped a future Reverend who couldn’t make it on an amateur baseball team start, and complete, a professional league game.  Oh, he got absolutely rocked, absolutely rocked, but it’s still a nice story in America being crazy enough you know better than to fuck with us.

The Forest Whitaker Eyes.

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Bill Veeck Loved Midgets

“Midget!  Midget midget midget!”

~Bill Veeck


If there’s one complaint people have about baseball, it would be that it’s too straight laced.  That is, if they have a complaint about baseball.  That’s usually because baseball players only show a lot of effort for short periods of time before resting a while.  It’s the only sport that has a bench that doesn’t require a bench, because honestly, when was the last time you saw a guy walk to the dugout and need to rest his legs?

Photo unrelated

But if there was one man out there that understood how to jazz up Baseball and take an American sport even more American by adding something crazy, it would be the great Bill Veeck, a man who saw a sport that could be stuffy and uninviting and decided to liven the hell out of it, likely saying, “We gotta do something to make this game more exciting.  You know, something like a midget baseball player.  Well, not a midget baseball player, but you get the idea, something like that.”

“Dammit, fine let’s just go with it.”

Yes, Bill Veeck was a unique brand of MLB baseball team owner.  While some owners might have their team involved in messy divorce court proceedings, Veeck (“as in Wreck” as his autobiography so astutely put it) would do absurd promotion stunts (his ugly divorces very rarely involved the teams he owned).  As the last Baseball owner who was not independently wealthy, Bill Veeck had everything a true American could ask for.  A man who built himself from the ground up, lost a limb in the war, and caused a mass riot when he wanted to destroy as many Disco albums as possible.  Veeck was a man too great for embellishment, though we once heard that he could life a car over his head with one hand while juggling midgets with the other.  But only 3 midgets.  Like we said, we’re not going to embellish any of this.

So here’s the tale of the man with one leg and a love of midgets.

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Paul Bergrin Was The Lawyer On The Wire

“I’m so glad I mandated that the whole staff had to watch the complete series of The Wire.”

~Tom Selleck, AFFotD TV Critic


Illustrations by Jesse Lenz because dayumnnnn

Lawyers, especially defense attorneys, tend to get a bad rap.  In a scientific study of five random people outside our offices, 60% of America’s population believe that there are more lawyer jokes than Hellen Keller, dead baby, and Polish jokes combined.  The rest of America is evenly split between “Can I get some money for some booze” and “Aren’t you those assholes that keep making ungodly noises from the building all night long?”

What’s wrong with that?  This is the way we unwind a the end of a long day.

But really, is that fair?  It’s not like we have defense attorneys in, say, Jersey just running around, supervising prostitution rings and arranging for witness’s murders or anything…ohhhhhh.

Yeah Paul Bergrin was basically the lawyer in the wire.

…Huh

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Blago Is Golden

“Something something FUCKING GOLDEN amiright?”

~60% of Late Night jokes in December 2008


If a self-important politician with a Napoleon complex, incredibly inflated self-esteem, and the propensity to swear like a motherfucking sailor becomes a public figure, the only reason we wouldn’t write about him is if we couldn’t find any stories about him drinking excessively.  But hey, if the sucker is going to jail we should probably talk about him.

That’s right, the man who we’d call “Fucking golden,” if it weren’t such an overused joke that it makes Charlie Sheen seem timely, Rob Blagojevich.

“Liiick”

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Buford Pusser is Walking Tall

My life was basically a Steven Segal film.”

~Buford Pusser’s Ghost

There is a science to naming your child that most responsible (read as: not currently addicted to Meth) parents have to utilize when they welcome a new American to their family.  Kids can be, and how do we put this delicately…massive doucheholes, so you want to avoid giving your child a name that can easily be turned into an effectively derisive taunt.  For example, John Harden is a perfectly sensible name to have.  But if you name you child Richard Harden, you better not give him the nickname of “Dick.”

“Tee hee why not name him Hard Cock and get it over with?”

However, every once in a while, giving your child an incredibly-easy-to-make-fun-of name is a way to ensure he grows to be an unmitigated American badass.  We call this the Boy Named Sue Property, which seems pretty for a man with such a ridiculous name as Buford Pusser, since here’s a picture of him with Johnny Cash.

That’s right, Buford Pusser, which sounds more like an insulting slur than a full name, is a man so badass that he arrested more people in his life than the amount of sandwiches most Americans consume in a single lifetime.  And America fucking loves sandwiches.

And who can blame us?

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Let’s Pretend Andre the Giant is From America

“No more rhymes, now, I mean it.”

“Anyone want a peanut?”

“GAH!”

~Seriously you guys, how good was The Princess Bride?


We at the AFFotD offices often have to swallow quite a modicum of our pride when we’re encountered by foreigners who accomplish American deeds.  After all, you don’t have to be a born American to become a governor of one of the nation’s most populous states.  Or to knock up the help.  So that’s why, when we were watching The Princess Bride in our weekly “watching a chick flick that is actually totally acceptable to watch” night, we figured it was time that we gave proper deference to a Frenchmananoghieipghepwaighpae.

Sorry, the temp we had typing that spontaneously combusted- we have our keyboard wired to set fire whenever something positive is said about people from that…F country.  But yes, we’re here to salute Andre the Giant, who did enough amazing American things in American, that we posthumously have declared him an American.  Because we’re running out of interns to explode, and we want to take credit for him.  So from now on, his birth will be described in “Georgia” instead of “Grenoble, France.”  Because you have no idea how much Andre the Giant could drink.

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Spicer Breeden Did All Your Cocaine

“This is the best cocaine ever, I am a fucking BEAST!”

~Spicer Breeden

 

America has a complex relationship with tragedy.  Everyone likes The Shawshank Redemption, but on it’s opening weekend more people went to see The Little Rascals and The Mask.  We know Shakespeare’s greatest plays were tragedies, but we don’t give a shit because, come on, plays?  We laugh when we see a full grown man get smashed in the groin with a baseball bat, but get pissed off when our lame friend gets all worried and asks, “Is he gonna be able to have kids again?” Tragedy makes us uncomfortable, especially in instances where we see two American flames flicker and extinguish.  We love to highlight all that is American, but we prefer to shield ourselves from the tragedy of Americans.

That is, unless a mountain of cocaine is involved, and then we’re all about that shit.

Fair warning, this article will be like 80% cocaine jokes and 20% glossing over the tragedy of a hit and run death

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The Civil War’s Most Glorious Mustaches

“Prrrrfftt plabber prrrftt sorry my glorious mustache was in my mouth, you see.”

~Ambrose Burnside

Every great war leaves behind a cultural legacy.  The Vietnam War spurned on counter-culture and PTSD.  World War II developed and hardened the so-called “Greatest Generation.”  The Korean War led to M*A*S*H*.  The impact of these conflicts have been scorched into our memory, making irreplaceable connections in our minds.  So, while we were riffling through the Smithsonian website looking for blueprints (we heard they have the Fonzie’s jacket there, and we fucking want it) we stumbled across this little item regarding the Civil War.  Because, when you think of the Civil War, clearly the one thing you associate with it is slavery glorious facial hair.

We were going to do a fun fact on the importance of office safety, ever since we had to send [REDACTED] to the hospital when he started shouting, “GONZO JOURNALISM” and licking our supply of poison arrow frogs, but really, we figure this is more important.  So, let’s rate some facial hair, everyone.

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AFFotD News Item: Man Consumes Only Beer For Lent

“Dude…I’m too tired to be mad at you.”

~J. Wilson’s Liver

Every so often, our research department comes across an article headline that screams “America.”  We usually look for certain buzz words.  “Alcohol.”  “Punching Animals.”  “Man Causes Forest Fire.”  The typical American-friendly topics.  That’s why, when we stumbled across this article, we saw America pouring out of every letter of the headline.

“Beer-Only Fast Ends With Bacon Smoothie.”

…Sorry, give us a moment, there’s a little bit of America in our eye…we just need to regain our composure…

“I’m just…so…happy…”

Obviously, this was a story that required all the due deference and measured realism that only a staff of zealous Americans with drinking problems and a penchant for dick jokes could truly tackle, so we’ve arrived on the scene to give a  brief summary of these actions that sound so American that they made the skeleton of George Washington just shotgun a beer.

Yes.  This.

AFFotD Oscars For Deserving American Actors (Part 2)

“How have I NOT won an Oscar?”

~Harrison Ford

As we established in yesterday’s fun fact, the Oscars are not always fair.  Sometimes they can be cruel, political film awards that completely ignore some classic American performances.  That’s why we decided to do something about it, and forcibly steal other actors’ hard earned Oscars and give them to more worthy recipients.  So, here, please see our final two American Oscar Award winners.

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