“Okay, okay, cool it with the fried foods, my…my chest, my chest hurts, it really hurts…”
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
We’ve made it a habit to go out of our way to tell you about fried foods that most people would consider “impossible” or “an abomination” or “as a professional cardiologist, I think it is criminally irresponsible for you to be consuming this much fried food.” That’s because as soon as we tell you about a new, insane fried food (fried beer, anyone?) some glorious American decides to fry something even more insane (like, say, a frozen margarita).
This is called capitalism (also obesity) and it is the reason why this country is great. It’s with that spirit in mind that we present to you even more American glory, with…
America’s Fried Foods: Part 6
“Yes, we want you to write about the baconator. We’re tired of you using our money to talk about other people’s food. No tricks.”
You’ve no doubt noticed that every once and a while, when we’re particularly strapped for cash after having to pay one too many “destroying the nests of an endangered species of bird” fines, we turn to our “sponsor,” Wendy’s. Normally we’ve found occasion to talk about crazy foods we’ve just discovered while feeling a little part of us die every time we are forced at gunpoint to write something like, “Wendy’s! It’s food so good, you won’t believe it! Just like none of you should believe the suicide note if we turn up in a ravine!”
The last few times we’ve written about food have not been particularly…well received by our, uh, handlers. As in, we’ve had our Fun Facts hijacked a handful of times. As in, we used to have a lot more pets around the office before the Wendy’s executives figured out how to get past our security system. Pour one on the curb for Sparky.
That’s why, for today’s post, Wendy’s decided it was “too risky” to let us pick what to write about, so they just straight up told us, “Write about a Baconator.”
“Bacakonator?” we mumbled while sipping on a glass of whiskey.
“Yeah, like we said, write about the Baconator.”
…We haven’t much time until they figure out what we’ve done. Come with us if you want to hear about the bacon funnel cake.
“Goddamn it, you’re right. I AM delicious.”
When someone goes up to you and asks, “What is the most American breakfast food imaginable” you’re never able to respond because your mouth is jammed full of delicious bacon. To say that America is obsessed with bacon is like saying that John Hinckley, Jr. only had a “small crush” on Jodie Foster. Whenever there’s a heart attack in America, the Bacon Council smiles wryly and adds a tally to a list somewhere. Hell, there’s a group about bacon as a religion on facebook. We love bacon because, unsurprisingly, America does bacon different and better than every other nation.
While bacon in itself is simply a cut of pork that’s been cured (usually in brine), many nations use “leaner” cuts of meat for their bacon, where America says “fuck it, what’s the fattiest part of a pig? The pig belly? Makes sense, let’s use that shit then.” This is why English or Canadian bacon is nothing more than a salty pork chop, while American bacon is a glorious piece of art streaked with more fat than a bar of soap made in Fight Club.
“I don’t know, I’m partial to crispy myself.”
And while bacon deserves its own Fun Fact, we here at AFFotD feel impelled to talk about a phenomenon more specifically American than bacon itself. We of course are referring to the American habit to make everything taste like bacon. It’s the greatest thing to happen to capitalism since factories. Every day, an executive says, “Let’s flavor this like bacon,” and when a subordinate asks, “why bacon?” he responds, “Because fuck you, you’re fired, bacon is delicious.”
It most certainly is. With that in mind, we’re here to present you with…
America’s Strangest (And Greatest) Bacon Flavored Products
“Why not just inject whiskey infused lard in me and get it over with you American bastard?”
When we asked John Goodman, AFFotD’s Food Critic and resident Dunkin’ Donut demander, what would be the most absurdly American breakfast item he could think of, he said, “Shit, I don’t know, maybe like a 14 inch pancake that’s made with a can of PBR…oh you son of a bitch, that exists doesn’t it?” You know how this game is played, of course it fucking does. When we asked him the follow up of how that can be made even more American he said, “Having an eating contest of…oh goddamn it, really?”
That is why we are here to celebrate and report on the amazing feats of this insane Tempe, Arizona restaurant with our report on the giant beer pancake that can only be finished by men in Mexican wrestling masks. Seriously.
“Como se dice OM NOM NOM”
“It’s delicious! *slap* It’s disgusting! *slap* IT’S DELICIOUS AND DISGUSTING *sobs*”
The Americanness of most items is usually pretty straightforward and easy to discern. Shotguns? American. Environmentalists? Not American. Hot Dogs? American. Tofu? What the fuck do you think you’re even doing here? Really, when it comes to American qualities, the AFFotD staff usually can agree on what works, and what doesn’t.
“We will run you the hell out of this town, you hear?”
This isn’t always the case, however. Every so often, a topic will come up that will lead to intense debate among our staffers. Is the proper term “pop” or “soda”? What is the better movie series, Die Hard or Rocky? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop? All of these have been subject to virulent debate in the AFFotD offices.
We mention this because we ran across this article which described the creation of a brand of vodka that is flavored like cupcakes. With that, two camps in the offices rapidly formed, one group who felt, “Holy shit that’s the best thing we’ve ever heard,” and another who believed, “You don’t fuck with liquor by adding weird flavors to it. You just don’t.”
That is why we at AFFotD are pleased to bring you the first ever AFFotD American Point-Counterpoint, so each side can make an argument about the benefits, or evils, of flavored spirits. We won’t name a winner, that’s for you, the reader, to decide.
Posted in Vodka
Tagged America, Bacon, Bacon Flavored Vodka, Chinatown, Cotton Candy, Cotton Candy Flavored Vodka, Cupcake flavored vodka, cupcakes, Devil's Food, Die Hard, Faye Dunaway, Filet Mignon, Frosting, Gin, KFC Double Down, pizza, Pizza Flavored Hamburger, Rocky, Tito's Vodka, Tofu, Tofu is not American, Tootsie Roll, Tootsie Roll Pop, vodka, Watermelons, Whiskey
“Dude…I’m too tired to be mad at you.”
~J. Wilson’s Liver
Every so often, our research department comes across an article headline that screams “America.” We usually look for certain buzz words. “Alcohol.” “Punching Animals.” “Man Causes Forest Fire.” The typical American-friendly topics. That’s why, when we stumbled across this article, we saw America pouring out of every letter of the headline.
“Beer-Only Fast Ends With Bacon Smoothie.”
…Sorry, give us a moment, there’s a little bit of America in our eye…we just need to regain our composure…
Obviously, this was a story that required all the due deference and measured realism that only a staff of zealous Americans with drinking problems and a penchant for dick jokes could truly tackle, so we’ve arrived on the scene to give a brief summary of these actions that sound so American that they made the skeleton of George Washington just shotgun a beer.
Posted in Drinkers
Tagged America, Ash Wednesday, Bacon, Bacon Smoothie, Beer, Binge Drinking, Catholicism, George WAshington, Iowa, J. Wilson, Lent, Newman's Day, Singe, Singe Drinking
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
Everyday, the AFFotD office brings in the most exotic, unhealthy American meals we can think of. For example, today we ate Bald Eagle burgers. They were surprisingly gamey, but we made up for it with a really inventive Dijon Mustard recipe. We won’t tell you what’s in it, but we will tell you that it once was alive, and still is incredibly endangered (let’s just say it rhymes with Shcondor Eggs).
Needless to say, we were fairly impressed when, over sixteen years ago, Pizza Hut tried to blow our mind by selling the stuffed crust pizza, with cheese straight up crammed into the crust of the pie. That was a game changer, folks. Percentages of pizza ingredients going uneaten plummeted. Calorie intake skyrocketed. There were suddenly thousands of backwards pizza eating sightings.
It’s why this image even EXISTS
So when we were going through our daily lunch options, and Pizza Hut came up, we discovered something unexpected. Something wonderful. Something…well, something damn amazing.
Posted in Pizza Pizza
Tagged America, American Flag, Bacon, butter, Condor Eggs, ipad, Italian Sausage, John Goodman, Meaty Recipe, Obesity, pepperoni, pizza, Pizza Hut, Steve Jobs, Stuffed Crust Pizza, Stuffed Toppings Pizza