“Okay, okay, cool it with the fried foods, my…my chest, my chest hurts, it really hurts…”
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
We’ve made it a habit to go out of our way to tell you about fried foods that most people would consider “impossible” or “an abomination” or “as a professional cardiologist, I think it is criminally irresponsible for you to be consuming this much fried food.” That’s because as soon as we tell you about a new, insane fried food (fried beer, anyone?) some glorious American decides to fry something even more insane (like, say, a frozen margarita).
This is called capitalism (also obesity) and it is the reason why this country is great. It’s with that spirit in mind that we present to you even more American glory, with…
America’s Fried Foods: Part 6
America’s greatest culinary achievements can best be described as Uncle Sam whipping your heart with its own aorta while screaming, “stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself.” If you’ve ever eaten something that’s made you think, “Was that a burp, or a heart spasm?” then you’ve done your duty as an American.
That’s why we love the following foods. Because every time you eat them, you pause for a moment, because you could have sworn you heard a tiny whisper of, “Please, no more” come from inside your chest.
Fried Club Salad
Salads are disgusting, because someone once told us they have these things called “nutrients.” The fuck is that? But sometimes you mess up your grocery run, and end up with more lettuce than hamburgers to put it on. What do you do then? Well one intrepid American decided, let’s deep fry the fucker. So, they made a salad out of chicken, ham, iceberg lettuce, carrot strips, cherry tomatoes, bacon, and cheddar cheese (because even if you’re making a salad unhealthy by frying it, it helps to have it be pretty unhealthy to begin with), roll it up in a spinach wrap, and then fry the sucker.
The only way we could imagine this being better is if the salad inside was one of those Midwestern salads that’s made out of cool whip and marshmallows, and if the outside was just fried dough. Come to think of it, holy shit why hasn’t someone invented that yet?!
Fried Biscuits and Gravy
Holy mother of God, look at that. We can’t even figure out how it’s made, but we know it came out during last year’s Texas state fair, and we know that we want a dozen of them right now. Every time someone eats one of these, the nearest Weight Watchers has to close for the next week. Whenever these monstrous delicacies are put in the deep fryer, a treadmill somewhere will suddenly combust. If you’ve ever eaten an entire order of this by yourself, surprise, you’re actually dead and walking the world as an unknowing ghost and will need the help of a child with special vision to show you the way to the afterlife! Spoilers!
Deep Fried Bacon Wrapped Cheddar Hot Dog On-a-Stick
And fried foods might have just jumped the shark. This item, available in the Wisconsin State fair, is a hot dog, covered in cheddar, wrapped in bacon, and is skewered lengthwise with a stick that, upon watching people eat it, we are sure will stab dozens of mouths this summer. We can only imagine the meeting where they decided to make this.
Wisconsinite 1: “Let’s deep fry a hot dog”
Wisconsinite 2: “Naw, that’s played out, that’s old hat, see.”
Wisconsinite 1: “Uh… we could douse it in cheddar first?”
Wisconsinite 2: “Naw, see, it wouldn’t stay in place, ya mook.”
Wisconsinite 1: “…then let’s wrap the whole thing and put it on a stick.”
Wisconsinite 2: “Now, see, that’s the bees knees, I tell ya, I’d eat that six ways to Sunday.”
Wisconsinite 1: “Why are you talking like you’re a parody of a 1920’s fast talking gangster?”
Wisconsinite 2: “Nyeah, I think I’m having a stroke, see.”
We’re not saying that eating this will be delicious, with the downside being that you are guaranteed to stroke out, but we’re pretty much saying that.
Deep Fried Stuffing
We’re pretty sure Paula Dean responded to her diabetes diagnosis like those guys who get arrested for catching chlamydia and then purposely going out to have unprotected sex with as many women as they can. That’s the only way we can try to understand the fact that not only does this unhealthy version of an unhealthy side exists, but she’s telling you how to make it at your very home. Listen, we’re pretty sure it’s illegal to post the schematics for a nuclear bomb on the internet, and we know for a fact that you’ll get in some deep trouble for going to those sites, yet no one has a problem with anyone with a skillet being able to look up how deep-fry fat-soaked bread? We’re pretty sure that most doctors would consider this a form of domestic terrorism, is what we’re trying to say.
That said, if you’ll excuse us, we’ll be frying up as much fried stuffing as we can fit in our chomp holes.