America Fun Fact of the Day 1/29- AFFotD’s One Year Anniversary

Posted on January 29, 2012 | 1 comment

“Wow, we’ve made it a year in one piece?  And only 15 mail bomb attempts to boot.  I’m surprised.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt

Below, please find a message from AFFotD’s Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt.

Greetings you glorious American sons of bitches.

Exactly one year ago, on this day, we burst out of the womb of not-being-on-the-internet and unleashed enough swear words to melt exactly three Warren Beattys.  Ever since then, we’ve been unleashing uncaged knowledge on y’all like some sort of American Rain Man (only instead of using our powers to win at blackjack, we just make dick jokes on the internet). 

And since then we have held true to the name.  America Fun Fact of the Day.  Every day.  Yes there have been the occasional divorces, a handful (ha!  handful…if only) of liver failures, and oh so many CIA inquiries.  But we’ve weathered through it all, throat punching the police when need be. 

So we know you’ve become accustomed to certain things from us.  A post every day.  Saturday images of the week.  Sunday “Today in American History” posts.  Crass jokes that are eerily fixated on unhealthy alcohol consumption.

Well I am here to announce that all of that is a thing of the past (expect the booze jokes that’s pretty much all we got going from us to distinguish us from a patriotic under-researched version of cracked.com).  Yes, we will no longer be posting every day.  And we will no longer be posting daily.  And we will no longer be posting on the weekend.

“How dare you limit our free intellectual content!” you are no doubt screaming.  “I am enraged almost as much as I am about this whole facebook timeline thing!”  Woah, calm down there.  Yes, you’ll be getting less America, but you’ll still be getting the same quality of America.

Tired of reading half-assed 500 word articles?  Those will be gone.  Every article will be sterling fool’s gold.  There will be patent articles and weird, almost aggressively personal angry rants against other websites.  And fried foods.  And booze.  

Of course we’ll still be active every day giving you fun facts.  Make sure to “like” our facebook page (ughh that hurts my soul just saying that), or, if you’re cheating on Demi Moore, make sure to follow us on twitter.  But more importantly, stay tuned.  We’ll still be here.  And honestly, three articles a week is still something.  We’re not abandoning you.  So check in every day.  You might find something new.  

I thank our loyal readers for tuning in and learning things about what beer brewer pees in what bars, and hopefully you’ll continue to tune in as we post more brilliantly, less frequently. 

And honestly, isn’t moderate apathy just the most American you can get?

Time to take a 40 for our writers who ain’t here anymore.  Peace.

~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief

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America Fun Fact of the Day 1/28- Saturday Image of the Week

Posted on January 28, 2012 | 1 comment

“Shit’s gonna get real.”

~Johnny Roosevelt

Get ready for the mind explosion, everyone.  This is the last Saturday Image of the Week you will ever see.  We know.  Life changing.  Terrifying.  Etc.  It’s change, and Americans fear change.  But there will be a discussion of the changes to the site tomorrow.

This is our 365th post in 365 days.  That might not seem impressive, and in order to keep up the pretense of the fake size of our staff, we’ll pretend it’s no big deal.  But it is.  365.  One a day.  Every day.  Rain or shine.  Holiday or vacation.  Only one way to really celebrate that.  And it’s the proper way to close out this segment.  Because.  Well.

 

Mic drop.

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Posted in Saturday Image of the Week

Good Job By You! The 10 Most Pro-American Nations

Posted on January 27, 2012 | 3 comments

“Don’t worry America, WE still love you.”

~America’s Mother

We’re gonna get real for a second here.  A lot of countries?  For some reason or another, they’re not particularly fond of us.  We know, it’s surprising to us as well.  But just like some people dislike ice cream, or consider themselves asexual, some other countries just don’t like us.  It’s strange, don’t ask us to try to explain it.  But while we’re known to foster a lot of negativity on this site, or at the very least come up with hurtful names for people we don’t like, every once and a while we like to cut back on the bile and applaud non-American locations for, well, putting up with us.

So when we saw an AskMen article listing the top 10 America loving countries, we figured, eh, why not write a Fun Fact applauding those countries.  And if the judge asks, this totally counts as our community service, and it totally took us 40 hours to write it.

Good Job By You!  The 10 Most Pro-American Nations

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Posted in England, Japan, The Rest of Them

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The Strangest Coffee Flavors in America

Posted on January 26, 2012 | 4 comments

“Coffee coffee coffee coffee.”

~So-called “morning people”

People like to say that coffee is the most consumed drug in America, which is part of the reason why most heroin users think the rest of us are giant pussies.  Calling coffee a drug is like calling hamburgers a serial killer.  You can stretch the definition enough for it to be technically true, but everyone is still going to roll their eyes at you.  Yeah, it’s addictive, but so is pornography, and people don’t call that a drug.  So ease up, okay?

Yes, coffee is an integral part of the American office experience, and if it didn’t exist our nation’s productivity would slow to a crawl (unless cocaine started to become big again).  But some people might not like the taste of coffee, and filling your caffeine delivery system with sugar and cream might get boring after a while.

So how would a non-coffee drinking American overcome this hurdle?  How can they get the necessary caffeine to get them through the day if they don’t like the glorious bitterness that is a freshly brewed cup of coffee?  Do they drink tea?  Do they try cutting down on their caffeine intake, instead just getting through the day on their own natural energy afforded them through a combination of a healthy diet and good sleeping habits?

Fuck that, let’s just make coffee that doesn’t taste like coffee!

The Strangest Coffee Flavors in America

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WORLD WAR BEER: America’s Response To The Watering-Down of English Beers

Posted on January 25, 2012 | 1 comment

“Begun, the beer wars have.”

~Uh, we don’t know.  Yoda?

“America loves beer!” is something our writers shout every day, often while confronting concerned family members reading letters at the urgings of a strangely persistent psychologist.  “America needs beer!” they often add afterwards as their mother starts slowly sobbing into a handkerchief.  “Don’t judge me okay, goddamn it, I’m not the reason dad left!” they inevitably end up saying, but that’s a personal matter we’d rather not get into.

Yes, beer saves us from overrated things like “sobriety” or “the crippling weight of reality” and America needs none of those things.  That’s why the average American drinks almost 21 gallons of beer each year.  That means America as a whole consumes more beer in a year than they do milk.  And milk doesn’t exactly have an age limit tacked onto it.

The truth of the matter is, despite how much Americans love their beer (which ranks just above “puppies” and just below “nothing”) we have to allow ourselves to realize that we live in a global society, and other countries brew and even drink their own beer too.  Even North Korea has beer.  Granted it’s just basically fermented gravel with some stray barleys thrown in there, and the bitterness of the hops is replaced by a generally uncomfortably forced Nationalism, but the point still stands- we’re not alone in this beer drinking world.

“Eh, still better than Natty Lite.”

But while the whole world may agree on the deliciousness of beer, there are still some points of contention.  And that is why we at America Fun Fact of the Day are going to be the first combatants in the great World War of Beer, because it’s time to set things straight.  When we hear article after article discussion European beers lowering their alcohol content, we know it’s time to stand up for the rights of Americans and high-gravity beer drinkers everywhere.

That’s right, folks.  Fill up your five gallon kettles with some water, steep some hatred in there, bring it to a boil, and add that hoppy bitterness because we are here to declare…

WORLD WAR BEER:  America’s Response To The Watering-Down of English Beers

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America’s Fried Foods: Part 4

Posted on January 24, 2012 | 1 comment

“You guys gotta ease up on me here, the doctor says I can’t keep trying all these insane fried foods.”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

We’ve made no secret of the fact that we love us some fried foods.  And we especially love fried food that strives to be as unhealthy as possible.  And it gets us so excited we can’t even sum up our article that includes fried beer.  Yes, fried foods are an important part of American culture, keeping health care rates down while lowering instances of heart disease amongst middle aged Americans (or the opposite of those things, whatever).  And as Americans continue trying to deep fry foods with reckless abandon, blindly dipping new foods into deep fryers like a kid trying to mix together as many slushy flavors as he can fit inside his 7-eleven cup, so too are we here to present you with…

America’s Fried Foods:  Part 4

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How To Be American (read as: Drunk) In The Office On A Typical Day (And Not Get Caught)

Posted on January 23, 2012 | 3 comments

“I don’t want to work, I just want to bang on my drum all day.”

~Todd Rundgren

Many of you are reading this very America Fun Fact of the Day from your office, stealing precious internets from your bosses as part of a conspiracy to get free money from their HR department (at least, if your boss is older than 60, that is his assumption of how office internet usage works).  Americans need work to get the money necessary to purchase necessary goods, at least ever since the government suspended its controversial “Free whiskey and Ramen noodles for all citizens” proposal (damn you Carter!)  And while a healthy portion of Americans end up as freelancers, retailers, or service industry professionals, the most common type of employment involves plopping formerly active Americans behind a computer for eight hours a day as their bodies slowly balloon out like a time-lapse video of a pumpkin growing.

Though like restaurants, most offices do have a “No shoes, no shirts, no service” policy.

And like most prisons environments, offices are a dizzying combination of policies, traditions, and arcane beliefs that “Jesus Christ, no, of course you can’t have a moonshine sill in your cubicle, why would you even ask that?”  And sadly, many of the things we view to be most American (drinking, trying to see if you can cook bacon by putting it in the copier and asking for 100 copies while drunk) are considered “taboo” or “fire-able” in most offices.  But that doesn’t’ mean you can’t express your American ways properly while still working for “The Man.”  That’s why we are here to provide you with AFFotD’s exhaustive guide…

How To Be American (read as: Drunk) In The Office On A Typical Day (And Not Get Caught)

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America Fun Fact of the Day 1/22- Another Image of the Week

Posted on January 22, 2012 | 1 comment

“Sure it’s Sunday, I don’t care.”

~Johnny Roosevelt

Sure we did an image of the week yesterday.  Fair warning, we’re coming up on the one year mark of this site, and there will be some changes.  Yes, quake with fear.  Anyway, here’s another image.  Only in this case, it’s a screen shot from Wikipedia.  But it’s what WE created.  Re-read our “best Civil War facial hair” post, and look under Samuel Carroll.  And behold the power of AFFotD.*

*Note- AFFotD was in no way involved in this Wikipedia update.  Seriously.

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America Fun Fact of the Day 1/21- Saturday Image of the Week

Posted on January 21, 2012 | 1 comment

“Jon, you’re the best.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt

We don’t often salute our staff.  Or at least, not nearly enough.  So here, Jon, take our image of the week.

Yes.  Well done.  Have a great weekend, everybody.

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Posted in Saturday Image of the Week

The Top 10 American Athletes (Determined By Someone Other Than AFFotD)

Posted on January 20, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Get your shit together, ESPN.”

~AFFotD Research staff

Because we are American, and have the appropriately diverse staff that is 50% male and 25% females that are cool and like sports and junk, we clearly needs sports as a way to escape the soul crushing frozen darkness that is American winter (shut up California, stop bragging).  We’re so desperate for an impressive athlete that even today, when you make a joke about Tonya Harding, most people will respond by going, “Whyyyyy?  Whyyyyyy?” (The handful of people who didn’t respond this way replied with “Who?” and “oh you mean that beefy boxing chick?”)

Yes, we like sports.  And we don’t care who knows.  And since we’re still in a bit of a daze as our brain cells recover from the battle field massacre that we call “New Year’s Eve falling on a weekend” we decided we’d do something lazy, like look up someone’s list of the top 10 American athletes and do a quick blurb on why each of them are American.  But when we checked ESPN, we saw that they listed the top 10 North American athletes.  Which shouldn’t’ have been a problem, except they put a goddamn Canadian on the list.  Eww.  Gross.  Eww.

So we found the website Made Men and decided to use their list instead.

The Top 10 American Athletes (Determined By Someone Other Than AFFotD)

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