Mummified Human Body Parts On Display Throughout The World

Posted on May 29, 2012 | Leave a comment

“You’re doing what with my what!?”

~American Civil War Soldier

You know when you’re mowing your lawn and you stumble across something gross or unpleasant?  It can be pretty shocking, right?  Like, “Oh just mowing the lawn and HOLY SHIT THERE’S A DEAD BAT!”  That totally happened to one of our staff members.  He didn’t run it over, but he was tempted.

Anyway, no matter what you’ve ever accidentally stumbled across, be it dog shit or a DVD of Carrot Top: Rocks Las Vegas, you have nothing on a lone American farmer who discovered a severed arm after the battle of Antietam.  How do we know this happened?  Because unlike most sane individuals, this farmer decided to dunk the arm in brine, and it’s still around to this very day, having just been donated to a Civil War Museum.

Wait, what?  Well, time for us to launch into our newest segment…

Hey America, That’s Gross.  Stop It!:  The Severed Civil War Arm On Display At A Museum 

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More of America’s Strangest Coffee Flavors

Posted on May 24, 2012 | 2 comments

“Coffee coffee coffee coffee?”

~Coffee coffee

 

As we’ve described in detail earlier, America loves coffee as it is, but that doesn’t mean we’re above making it taste like insane combinations of flavors, like coconut lime jalapeno, or like black velvet cognac.  Most people like coffee, because it’s a drug, but some people don’t like the taste of coffee, because it’s the bitter bi-product of forcing boiling water through burned and crushed beans.  Either way, coffee is one of the things that keeps America humming like a well drugged machine (at least until they legalize Cocaine again), and the only thing more American than coffee is America’s ability to make coffee that tricks you into thinking its cake.

Because cake is delicious, but cake that wakes you up in the morning is even more delicious.  And cake that wakes you up in the morning that tastes better when you pour whiskey in it is themost delicious.

(We’re assuming that the only reason why Americans drink coffee is to give them a convenient place to empty their morning flask of whiskeys.)

Anyway, once again, it’s time for AFFotD to count through…

More of America’s Strangest Coffee Flavors

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Schlitz: America’s Beer

Posted on May 22, 2012 | 2 comments

“Schlitz, it’s what’s for dinner!”

~Probably?

We in America like our beer like we like our women—delicious, full bodied, and able to give you very embarrassing erections when you think about them in public places.  While the increasingly American trend is to appreciate American micro-brews that are richer tasting and able to get you drunker faster, we really embrace all beers that don’t pretend to be American while being owned by goddamn South Africans or Brazilians.  Listen, sometimes you want a beer that’ll get you drunk, and get the job done cheap.  An American beer that fosters good old fashioned Midwestern alcoholism while never straying from its American origins.

That beer sounds rather delicious, doesn’t it?  Well, it sort of is.  Kind of.  Depending on how many beers you are into the night.  But no matter what, when you drink it, your lips will taste of watered down hoppy America.

That beer, of course, is Schlitz.

If you are looking at this picture, and were born after the year of 1965, there is a 75% chance that this man is your biological father.

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The Aurora, Texas UFO Incident Totally Existed (Just Stop Asking About It, Okay?)

Posted on May 10, 2012 | 1 comment

“I’m not saying it’s aliens, but it’s not aliens.”

~Sensible Americans

As long as there are tin-foil manufacturers, telescopes, or Los Angeles plastic surgeons, people are going to assume that aliens exist and walk among us.  While the passing of Michael Jackson lessened the ranks of true “believers” there will always be Americans who devote their lives to convincing you that aliens are real and are totally into butt stuff.  From the Battle of Los Angeles to Roswell, these (probably bearded.  Why are they always bearded?) Americans will point to numerous instances of aliens being seen in our skies.

Of course, everything comes bigger in Texas, and everything came crazier in the 1800s, so that’s why we’re going to examine one of the earlier instances of UFO spotting in America, as we discuss…

The Aurora, Texas UFO Incident Totally Existed (Just Stop Asking About It, Okay?)

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The Most Expensive Vodkas in the World

Posted on May 8, 2012 | 14 comments

“So you’re telling us that if we want to drink this vodka, we need to rob some banks?  Can’t we just drink some Skol instead?”

~AFFotD’s Liquor Review Board

 

Everyone can appreciate a good bottle of vodka.  By that, of course, we mean to say that if you’re spending more than $25 on your vodka, you’re probably being suckered.  Vodka’s the most neutral spirit out there, its primary reason for existing is to give us a way to turn most “non-alcoholic drinks” into “mixers.”  If you like the taste of orange juice, but don’t like the sobriety it causes you?  Vodka that fucker up.  Have yourself a 60 oz. cup of one of those Mountain Dew flavors that’s blue and only available through Taco Bell?  Boom, add some vodka and suddenly that haphazardly folded together 1 lb. bean and potato burrito is the most delicious thing you’ve ever eaten.  Did you randomly find a glass filled with some unrecognizable liquid on the street corner?  Vodka would probably make it safe to drink.  Maybe?  Right?

And while most Americans find themselves unwilling to shell out for any vodka fancier than, say, Chopin, some people find themselves choose to spend excessive amounts of money on a flavorless spirit just so they can tell themselves that they’re important and relevant, no matter how many times their mistresses make fun of their distressingly small genitalia.  And for these Ferrari SUV driving individuals, we present…

The Most Expensive Vodkas in the World

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AFFotD Book Review: DNA Nannies by Fidel Faddle

Posted on May 3, 2012 | 1 comment

“This is either the best book, or the worst book, that I’ve ever read.  But to be fair, I’ve never read a full book.”

~AFFotD’s Official Book Reviewer

Yes, it takes a lot for a “book” to grab our attention and make us start to “read” it.  Unless that book is blatantly xenophobic, or, you know, actually just a beer, it’s tough to motivate us into stringing together the various printed words and comprehending the “action” that we’re implored to use our “imagination” and “stop drinking for just one damn minute.”  Well, even when we read we know better than to do it sober.

Of course, we quickly changed our tune (well, except for the “reading while drunk, only” thing, that’s pretty non-negotiable) as soon as we saw the cover for DNA Nannies, available for download through the Kindle and written by “Pseudonym: Fidel Faddle.”  Yes, this creative genius decided that the best alias he could come up with would be “Fidel Faddle,” which in no way tells us that this book was written by a 65 year old man with delusions of grandeur.  But we’ll get to that later.

Just look at that cover!  Wall Street!  Statue!  Wall Street again!  Uh, Wall Street in the 20s!  LOG CABINS!  Galaxies!  UFOs!  Tits!  TITS!  This book has to be the best book ever, right?

Well, there’s only one way to find out.

AFFotD Book Review:  DNA Nannies by Fidel Faddle

…did we mention the tits?

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The Strangest Pizza Hut Menu Items In The World

Posted on May 1, 2012 | 15 comments

“Pizza Hut:  Taste The Rainbow!”

~Okay, you got us, we’re not particularly knowledgeable about advertising slogans

Pizza chains are a staple of American society.  They give us the ability to not have to leave the house when the game is on and we’re “legally” too day-drunk to drive, they afford us a convenient, no-silverware way to jam as much sodium and grease-based calories into our systems as humanly possible, and most of all, well, pizza is just fucking delicious.  And while Papa Johns might earn our favor by using the Super Bowl as an excuse to give you free pizza, and Domino’s is doing its best to stop people from calling everything “artisanal,” Pizza Hut will always hold the crown as America’s leaders in cheese stuffed saucy goodness.

Yes, Pizza Hut has been stuffing our gullets since 1958, and ever since has innovated how we look at pizza, from the stuffed crust pizza to the stuffed TOPPING pizza.  As Pizza Hut has become bigger and more international, however, they have expanded their menus to accommodate non-American tastes.  While sometimes this involves pizza products that we wish they sold here in America, more often than not, these new international Pizza Hut dishes involve terrifying reminders of why every other nation except for America (and, we guess, some of those Europe countries) considers food preparation as a challenge to see who can offend God’s culinary sensibilities the most.  Hint, it’s probably going to end up being Japan.

It’s always Japan.

The Strangest Pizza Hut Menu Items In The World

 

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Posted in Pizza Pizza, Strange Foods, The Rest of Them

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The Informative American’s Guide To The Homosexuality Virus (originally published January, 1956)

Posted on April 26, 2012 | 2 comments

“…Oh yeah, this one…does not age well…”

~Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt, upon reading this enclosed issue of The Informative American

Sometimes, the best way to make yourself a better American is to address the mistakes of your past.  This is a subtle way to say that in the 1950’s, even though some views that were casually aired might today seem “fucked up,” they still at least offer us something to learn from.  And just because AFFotD used to exist in the 1950’s as a bi-weekly pamphlet called The Informative American doesn’t mean that we agree with the ones that we bring out of the archives and post.  Some of them?  Yes.  Communists are the worst.  Recycling is terrible.  Women…oh no, wait, yeah we don’t endorse that one.  Just pretend we didn’t mention that one.  Carry on.

Anyway, the following post, written by lead-paint damaged, emotionally crippled Americans in 1956, is an example of something not to take at face value, but to learn from.  Because this is a very narrow minded, extremely out of date, frankly surprisingly hateful even for the time it was written article about homosexuality.  Hot button topic, we know.   And by hot button topic we mean, “Of course gay people deserve the same rights as everyone else—this isn’t Iran, this is America.”  AFFotD is an equal opportunity employer, and we embrace all creeds, races, ethnicities, and orientations.  Except for the French.  Fuck the French.

Plus, we don’t mean to go all “studies find homophobes are more likely to be closeted homosexuals” on this, but that might explain some of the, erm, extreme rhetoric used in this article.

Don’t say we didn’t warn you.  But just to warn you again—this is clearly the opposite of how you should view this topic.  Clearly.

The Informative American’s Guide To The Homosexuality Virus (originally published January, 1956)     

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The Greatest Hits of Gary Busey’s Twitter Feed

Posted on April 24, 2012 | 2 comments

“Gary Busey!”

~Gary Busey

Gary Busey is an American actor who is equal parts teeth and motorcycle accident, an Academy Award nominated thespian who has been working in Hollywood for the last 40 years.  He also looks like he pooped his pants, but is kind of proud about it, in every picture that’s been taken of him in the past 20 years.  The man needs no introduction, as he has been the toothy madman of Hollywood for as long as we can remember, and we’d not have it any other way.

We bring that up because we had an office party here at AFFotD headquarters last night, the theme of which was apparently (we think) “drink so much that you don’t remember what the theme of the party was supposed to be.”  So our staff is pretty out of sorts at the moment, and when we need a hangover pick-me-up, we like to google Gary Busey.  It might seem random and confusing, but when you stumble onto sites like this, you sort of realize the joy of doing this.

Well, today we found something magical.  We found the official twitter feed of Gary Busey.  It’s exactly what you’d expect from a famous crazy person with brain damage, and nothing would make us happier than to pool together our hungover resources to dig through each inane 140-character-or-less ramble and pick out the best for you, the (we’re assuming) hungover American.

You’re welcome.

The Greatest Hits of Gary Busey’s Twitter Feed

“Hi, I’m Gary Busey, I’ll be your caterpillar today.”

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10 of the Highest Blood Alcohol Levels of All Time

Posted on April 16, 2012 | 51 comments

“I’m not as officer as you drunk I am, vomit.”

~America’s Drunks

We’ve been told that alcohol can be lethal when taken in large enough doses.  We know, that sounds counter-intuitive, but bear with us.  As everyone who has purchased a breathalyzer from Sharper Image for parties and making sad, sad nights by yourself more justifiable by saying you’re “doing research” can attest, when you get to a BAC of about .2, you’re going to stop remembering things.  Knowing that, it makes slightly more sense that Wikipedia would list the side effects of a “>0.50 BAC” as “death.”

But this is America, goddamn it.  You know there have to be supermen (and women!  Don’t forget those ladies!) who can survive alcohol levels that can kill a rhino.  And while the staff of AFFotD has never made the news for being busted with a lethal BAC, many Americans have, and we’re here to salute them.

Sort of.

Well, we’re going to salute them in the same way you salute someone trying to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel.  Because, damn you guys, when we think you drank too much, you know you’re in trouble.

10 of the Highest Blood Alcohol Levels of All Time

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Posted in America's Greatest Fun Facts, Drunk People

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