“I’m not saying it’s aliens, but it’s not aliens.”
As long as there are tin-foil manufacturers, telescopes, or Los Angeles plastic surgeons, people are going to assume that aliens exist and walk among us. While the passing of Michael Jackson lessened the ranks of true “believers” there will always be Americans who devote their lives to convincing you that aliens are real and are totally into butt stuff. From the Battle of Los Angeles to Roswell, these (probably bearded. Why are they always bearded?) Americans will point to numerous instances of aliens being seen in our skies.
Of course, everything comes bigger in Texas, and everything came crazier in the 1800s, so that’s why we’re going to examine one of the earlier instances of UFO spotting in America, as we discuss…
The Aurora, Texas UFO Incident Totally Existed (Just Stop Asking About It, Okay?)
From 1896-1897, there were numerous reported sightings of cigar-shaped mysterious airships across the united states, because if the successful career of Ron Jeremy has taught us anything, it’s that large phallic images and mass hysteria always go hand-in-hand. As we all know, when someone starts seeing fantastic supernatural things, every additional claim that immediately follows is always 100% accurate and never a hoax. Sort of like how everyone who says they’ve won a lottery jackpot but is just hiding their tickets at a McDonald’s is totally on the level.
By far the most famous of these accounts occurred on April 17th, 1897, and first appeared two days later in the Dallas Morning News, when Aurora resident S.E. Haydon wrote a “colorfully written article” about an unidentified flying object (“OH WOW LIKE SIX YEARS BEFORE THE WRIGHT BROTHER’S FIRST FLIGHT” shouts every goddamn History Channel special about this damn thing) flew into a windmill on the property of Judge J.S. Proctor (Apparently Texan had an actual first or middle name back in the 19th century), resulting in its crash. The “ship” was apparently damaged and only traveling ten to twelve miles an hour at the time of collision, at which point the ship was shredded to pieces in a “terrified explosion,” because apparently alien spaceships follow the same physical laws as cars in a Michael Bay film.
Holy shit, it’s the Alien mothership!
Inside, they found the pilot, who was “not of this world” and “a Martian” and “oh so fully dead.” Because this was such an historic event, of course, the residents of Aurora set the alien body aside and made sure to preserve it, taking numerous photographs to present to the general public proof that we’re not alone in the universe. Ha, just kidding, they dug a grave and gave it a Christian burial, because of course they did. Of course they did.
Artist’s Rendition of the “Martian.”
Because the town people wanted this UFO sighting to be taken seriously, they of course took the wreckage of the highly advanced alien spaceship that came from the sky and dumped it into a nearby well because…oh what the fuck, Aurora?!? Goddamn it, seriously? The next person to buy Judge Proctor’s property claimed that he cleaned out the debris from the well to use it as a water source, but then sealed it up with a concrete slab after claiming the water was contaminated.
As the years went by, certain news crews and television programs became newly interested in Aurora, and numerous “fact of fiction” shows and articles appeared trying to decipher what really happened that day. Was it aliens? Or was it don’t be fucking ridiculous of course it wasn’t aliens?
When camera crews for UFO Files totally planted found an unmarked grave in Aurora’s cemetery, they made fake beep noises and said that they found trace metallic readings with their metal detector. But, mysteriously, the cemetery wouldn’t let the UFO Files prove this story was full of shit exhume the grave. When a later crew came by, the marker had mysteriously been sent back to the studio since it was a kind of expensive prop disappeared. Oooooo.
“The only explanation is that the alien is in fact a mind-reading alien zombie Jesus.”
The fact that this remains a mystery that people debate enough that people who rightly call it a hoax are discussed as having “a theory” that it’s a hoax is just another sign of good old American know-how. Because while anyone can make up a ridiculous story, it takes an American to make up a story that requires them to yell, “Look over there!” and run away whenever someone asks for evidence, and still find people talking about it over a hundred years later.
Oh, on that note, did we mention that Bigfoot just crashed into the AFFotD offices? Yup, the real Bigfoot. He smashed in and stole a bottle of bourbon, and he chugged it, and threw it to the ground. We’d show you the bottle, but it was broken, and we walk around our office barefoot so we cleaned it up so no one would cut their feet on glass. Safety first, you know? Anyway we didn’t take any pictures, because we were too busy giving him a baptism, so you clearly should believe us. Give us money now, please.