Big Face Animal Shirts: More Designs From The Home of the Three Wolf Moon

Posted on July 11, 2012 | 7 comments

“Now if we can only find a way to sew in a shake-n-bake Mountain Dew bottle in these things, we’ll be giving our demographic everything they could possibly ask for!”

~The Mountain

Last August, our staff woke up from our normal position of “passed out on the bourbon and tear stained carpet of our office floor” to find a package at the door.  After having our bomb-detectors/interns-who-open-our mail-blindly ensure this wasn’t another mail bomb from PETA (Come at us, bro!  Still here man!), we opened it to find a slew of shirts, a few gnawed-on sticks of venison jerky, an American flag bandana that reeked of gasoline and red phosphorous, and a few crumbled up cans of Watermelon flavored Four Loko.  We were instantly excited when we looked at the shirts, which were the most gloriously absurd American creations we had ever encountered.  Yes, we are referring to the Big Face Animal T-Shirt line from The Mountain, self-proclaimed as “America’s Greatest T-Shirt Company!” and more accurately, the “Home of the Three Wolf Moon™.”

So while we felt good that we were able to help inform you, the enterprising American with a surprisingly large collection of un-ironic trucker hats and household decorative products that have the letters “udweiser” on them, of these glorious shirts, we’ve decided to take another look at the latest offerings from The Mountain, ready to go direct from the internet to your home.  To, eventually, a mug shot for public intoxication and resisting arrest.

Big Face Animal Shirts:  The Second Wave Of Designs

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AFFotD Reviews The Five Ethnic Foods That Were Invented In America

Posted on July 10, 2012 | Leave a comment

“…YOINK!”

~American Chefs

We’re all familiar with the term “Ethnic food.”  It’s an easy, catch-all phrase that we tend to interpret as “shouldn’t your drunk ass be reaching for something American like a hamburger instead?”  Chinese Food, Mexican Food, other foods that tend not to be open as late or taste as delicious when drunk so we’re not even going to bother to list them, yes all of these are foods of foreign nations that America has begrudgingly accepted with open, inebriated arms.

Of course, the popularity of Ethnic Food would make us a little upset at the lack of Americans preferring to eat steaks with an American Flag tastefully branded into it during the cooking process if it weren’t for one surprising fact.  Most of the best Ethnic Food isn’t Ethnic at all.  It was invented right here, in the USA.

That’s right.  If this list from Mental Floss is to be believed, any unhealthy food you can do, we can do better.  So what else can we do but go through each American invented “ethnic” dish and discuss how American it was for us to hijack their cuisine and put our MSG loving paws on it.

AFFotD Reviews The Five Ethnic Foods That Were Invented In America

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Happy Birthday, America

Posted on July 4, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Fireworks!  Beer!  Quick fuses!  America!”

~Independence Day Revelers

Today is America’s birthday, in the sense that we’re looking for any reason to arbitrary get drunk and shoot off fireworks, so the day that we sent out a declaration of war to England seems like as good of a time as any to do that.  We expect nothing more on this day than you to be grilling brats, chugging beer, and setting off fireworks that are suspiciously aimed towards the windows of your Vegetarian neighbors, all while you project this very webpage onto the largest wall you can find.

Well, we’ve got our own barbeques to be hitting up, but we love you almost as much as we love America, so we figured we might as well give you a handy guide…

AFFotD’s Guide To Independence Day

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America’s Most Insane Fried Foods: Part 5

Posted on June 28, 2012 | 2 comments

“MOAR!  GODDAMN IT I SAID MOAR!”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

As we’ve mentioned time and time and time again, America loves Fried Food even more than we love Hulk Hogan, and don’t get us started about how much America loves the Hulkster.  The moment you choose to fry a food, you make it unhealthy and therefore delicious, and anytime someone says, “I don’t think you can deep fry that” they are automatically deported back to France and are placed in forced mime labor camps, where they must spend their days wearing white face makeup while they pretend to break and move boulders while trapped inside invisible boxes.  And they totally deserve their fate—when someone asks you if you would eat a deep fried sports car, the correct answer is, “Holy shit, where can I find that!” not “Uh, no, you…you realize that our bodies can’t consume metal, no matter what you do to it, right?”

And as summer approaches, so does State Fair season, which is that magical time of year where aspiring fry chefs look to get middle America as fat as possible without causing their hearts to explode, like some obesity version of Jenga (once things start wobbling you have to wait for it to settle before finishing the piece).  So in that fine American tradition, we are here to clue you in on even more fried foods created to take you that one step closer to just giving up and intravenously pumping melted butter into your arteries between meals.

America’s Most Insane Fried Foods:  Part 5

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The World’s Strangest Vodka Flavors

Posted on June 26, 2012 | 2 comments

“I don’t care if it tastes like an ashtray with an STD!  All I care about is one thing.  Will?  It?  Get?  Me?  Drunk?”

~AFFotD’s Liquor Review Board

No one would claim that vodka is a particularly “American” spirit.  But who are we to quibble in semantics?  If it gets you drunk, and has a slightly lower chance at sending you to the hospital than chugging hand sanitizer, it’s American enough for us.  Vodka is the most neutral of spirits, so while it doesn’t give you that warm, smooth feeling that bourbon does shortly before you start shouting to no one in particular there being too many French people at the local bistro, vodka does allow you get sloshed efficiently and with the aid of a whole variety of mixers.

Of course, since vodka is meant to be as flavorless as possible, many distillers take this as an opportunity to add distinct and unique flavors to their product to help it stand out in a crowded market.  We’ve already internally debated the practice of flavoring your vodkas, but unusual vodkas are everywhere, and it’s time we at least embraced this particular spirit’s diversity.  Which is why we are here to present our inaugural segment…

The World’s Strangest Vodka Flavors

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AFFotD Declares War Against “Fit” Offices

Posted on June 21, 2012 | 1 comment

“I don’t understand the question, doctor.”

~What’s not to understand!?  How often do you exercise a week!?

With obesity on the rise, causing millions of early deaths and costing billions in extra heath care costs, many Americans are making a stance and saying  “enough is enough.”  They want to encourage good eating habits, urge their fellow Americans to exercise, and generally make a concerted effort to ensure that all of us live richer, happier, healthier lives.

The fuck is wrong with these people?

We at AFFotD are here to make an unequivocal stance against this protein-drink fueled do-good-ery.  Listen, if God wanted us to live past the age of 65, he would have made pomegranate juice naturally alcoholic, and would have filled pigs with blood thinners and vitamin B12.  That’s not the way the things we’re supposed to love were made, so why fight it?  Every time you show us a woman pushing 90 as a lifelong vegetarian, we’ll show you a complicated chart that proves that in “American years” she has only lived 5 years, while Jack Kerouac was the oldest American of all time by fitting 150 years of drinking into the amount of time it took the Earth to go around the sun 47 times.

“Listen buddy, I fucked a lot of booze in my time…wait…I drank a lot of women…uh…fuck it, let’s just go driving, guys.”

One of the more pervasive ways that Americans are trying to get their sinful exercise in is to center it around their work day.  While we understand their mindsets here—sweating during the day, we could only assume, would make drinking during the night more enjoyable—we’ll have to rail against it, we shed a tear for every calorie that is not burned getting your liver to process alcohol in your body.  That is why…

AFFotD Declares War Against Fit Offices

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America’s Most Inventive (And Insane) Bloody Marys

Posted on June 19, 2012 | 5 comments

“It’s never too early to drink so long as it tastes good with brunch.”

~Everyone

We’re not trying to call anyone out here, but some Americans don’t know how to hold their shit.  They’ll drink a mere ten or fifteen drinks on a Saturday night, sleep from 4AM until that point where their body finished metabolizing all of the alcohol in their system, at which point they just moan about their “hangover” and sip something like coffee or water or “Oh dear God put that shot of Everclear away why would you think that would be something I’d want to drink right now, Jesus Christ, you guys, I quit, go find yourself another photoshop editor, I can’t handle this office environment, I’ve blacked out and not remembered going to sleep every night for the past three months, the doctor told me if I don’t quit here soon I’d probably suffer liver failure within the week.  Goddamn you all to hell.”

As we said, some people are lightweights. Also, Gary, don’t bother listing us as a reference for your job search.  Photoshop guys are to AFFotD what drummers were to Spinal Tap, you’re lucky you didn’t spontaneously combust, you damn teetotaler.

Where were we?

Oh yes.  Most real Americans know that, when you wake up with a hangover, the best way to cure that is to order a nice, strong alcoholic drink that preferably won’t lead to the social worker going, “For the love of God, it’s ten in the morning, why are you taking shots of tequila?”  That’s why we invented the Bloody Mary, a way to get drunk while pretending that tomato juice has more health benefits than “a shitload of salt.”

The Bloody Mary, known as “The world’s most complex cocktail,” is as American as apple pie.  More American, actually, because we put booze in it.  And it’s our pleasure to pour ourselves a nice tall glass of hangover-ridding goodness, punch various letters at google until it begs for mercy, and present you with…

America’s Most Inventive (And Insane) Bloody Marys

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[REDACTED] Is Forced To Watch Rodney Dangerfield Rap

Posted on June 14, 2012 | 2 comments

“No, goddamn it, no more awkward raps by old white people!”

~[REDACTED]

It’s been some time since we’ve run into [REDACTED], AFFotD’s investigatory journalist slash whipping boy.  In fact, we haven’t heard from him since we sat him down and forced him to watch Tom Hanks and Dan Aykroyd do a rap for the movie Dragnet.  But we’ve had a hard time hunting down women’s soccer games to force him to watch, so we had to justify his salary somehow, and God forbid we have him do a review of a hamburger restaurant or anything.

So, fuck it.  We’ll force him to watch the 1983 music video “Rappin’ Rodney” by Rodney Dangerfield, just, over and over again.  Ha ha, you suck, [REDACTED]

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Point/Counterpoint: Is WA|HH Quantum Sensations, The Spray That Gets You Drunk Instantaneously, American?

Posted on June 12, 2012 | 1 comment

“Again!  Again!  SPRAY IT AGAIN!”

~AFFotD Product Testers

Americans, much like the common elephant or humble bumble bee, love to get drunk.  But sometimes it’s pretty hard work.  In order to mask the debilitating sadness of everything around them, most Americans need to drink at least five shots of grain alcohol just to feel something, and if they want to get legitimately drunk, they normally have to chug a bottle of $3,000 vodka while holding back the tears.

But if there is one thing that America is better at than drinking, it’s inventing things that make drinking easier.  We have beer cans that are actually designed so you can stab a hole in them to chug faster, for God’s sake.  And during the few hours a day that our AFFotD staffers are sober enough to type while still being able to notice the red squiggly lines of our spelchcker, it’s our job to present to you such marvels of American engineering.

The poorly named The WA|HH Quantum Sensations spray is one such marvel.  It is the latest (well, first) entry in the “get you drunk instantaneously” market.  This product, which we would have given the name of “GITCHYA DRUNK” sprays .075 milliliters of alcohol, which is formulated in such a way that the sense of inebriation will kick in right away.  While it only lasts a few seconds, you will find yourself able to pass a breathalyzer, while avoiding such pesky side effects of long term alcohol consumption like “hangovers” or “that three year old kid that you still have to send a check for every goddamn month.”  However, it doesn’t give you the benefit of being drunk all night long.  So while our staff was excited by this revolutionary new product, it soon spirited into a lively debate about if it’s worthwhile or not.  Which means it’s time for two of our staffers to duke it out with our latest edition of point/counterpoint asking the very important question.  Is the WA|HH GITCHYA DRUNK American, or just a cheap imitation?

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Five Drunks Who Miraculously Survived Life-Threatening Events (Because They Were Drunk)

Posted on June 7, 2012 | Leave a comment

“I AM A GOD!”

~You, when drinking

While we talk about alcohol consumption in such a manner that some of you have started to suspect that we are part of an alien species that is waged in a generations long war with human livers, there are occasionally benefits of massive, dangerous consumption of the fairest poison.  Mainly, there have been numerous instances where some brave, boozy fool has been in a situation where lesser, more sober men would perish, only to be saved by a combination of luck and alcohol-aided relaxed muscles.  They might not all be from America, but due to a loophole in the Constitution, as soon as they survived a fatal event because of how drunk they were, they automatically received US Citizenship.

Listen, we’re not saying that you should drink obscene amounts of liquor and then see what happens when you jump off the roof of your house.  Oh wait, no that’s exactly what we’re saying.  But, legally, we shouldn’t be saying that.  We’re just saying that, if you did that, we’d totally write about you, and say all sorts of complimentary things about you.  Don’t you like it when people say complimentary things about you?  Of course you do.  Of course you do.

So put your beersafety goggles on, and get ready to salute…

Five Drunks Who Miraculously Survived Life-Threatening Events (Because They Were Drunk)

 

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