Happy Birthday, America

“Fireworks!  Beer!  Quick fuses!  America!”

~Independence Day Revelers

Today is America’s birthday, in the sense that we’re looking for any reason to arbitrary get drunk and shoot off fireworks, so the day that we sent out a declaration of war to England seems like as good of a time as any to do that.  We expect nothing more on this day than you to be grilling brats, chugging beer, and setting off fireworks that are suspiciously aimed towards the windows of your Vegetarian neighbors, all while you project this very webpage onto the largest wall you can find.

Well, we’ve got our own barbeques to be hitting up, but we love you almost as much as we love America, so we figured we might as well give you a handy guide…

AFFotD’s Guide To Independence Day

The Declaration of Independence was America’s first literary “Fuck you,” which we sent off to King George III along with some off-color jokes about regal inbreeding (we can only assume).  While it was approved in a closed session of congress on July 2nd, 1776, and was not signed until August 2nd, July 4th is when we annually celebrate our nation’s independence.

Ever since then, we’ve known to celebrate this day with a party to make the rest of the world jealous.  In 1778, George Washington decided kick July 4th in gear by giving soldiers a double ration of rum to go with an artillery salute.  This was the beginning of the long, beautiful tradition of  Americans celebrating their freedom by drinking large amounts of alcohol and trying to operate explosives.

It is with that intrepid spirit that we continue, every year, to celebrate the Fourth of July, the one holiday in this entire glorious nation where people make it a point to tell you to be careful.  No one says “Have a safe and happy Christmas,” because they probably never woke up the day after Christmas to find themselves with a massive hangover and an iron claw where their hand once was.  Uncle Raymond might not remember what happened, but he can take our word for it that it was totally awesome.

So here is a quick rundown of what every good Fourth of July should entail.


Like any American holiday that occurs while it’s warm enough to stand outside for more than ten minutes at a time, grilling delicious an unhealthy meats is a necessity.  Bratwurst, hamburgers, hot dogs, hunks of butter wrapped in tin foil, all America’s most delicious foods come fresh off the grill, served on paper American flag plates with mayonnaise based salads, this is what being American is all about.  Fourth of July centers around being outside and eating unhealthy, and what better way to do that than a good old fashioned barbecue?

Of course, a first time American barbecue host might ask some sort of silly question, like “how much food should I have to cook?” the answer is of course all of it.  If you didn’t fill up the grocery cart with various meats and potato salads, you’re doing it wrong.  But no barbecue is worth going to unless they have…

Just, so much booze

If you’ve ever visited this site the only thing that should surprise you is that we didn’t list this one first.  Alcohol is essential for any Independence Day celebration, and any “dry” Fourth of July party will inevitably lead to someone firebombing the host’s bedroom while shouting “I AM THE SOBER ONE NOW YOU SHALL FEEL MY DOOM!”  You’d be well within your right to pissed off if you showed up to a birthday party that didn’t have booze, imagine how enraged you would be going to a booze-less birthday party for the entire nation?

There’s never such a thing as “too much booze” but that goes double for the Fourth of July, the one day where biology takes a break, and no human born in America can physically suffer from alcohol poisoning.  It’s true.  If you’ve ever wanted to shatter BAC records, July 4th is the day to do it.  Because you’re invincible.  Or you’ll at least think so, which is why you’ll be so flippant with…


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Having ten fingers just means you either know how to operate fireworks properly, or you don’t know how to operate liquor properly.  July Fourth is when all Americans are demanded to tease God by getting liquored up and playing with explosives.  Let’s lay out the math for you—China invented fireworks thousands of years ago, China has over a billion people, and America still vastly outpaces them in terms of firework-related injuries.

You know that the Fourth of July is being done properly when you can’t tell what smoke is coming from grilling and what is coming from the constant barrage of false fireworks, and if your Vietnam veteran uncle doesn’t fall into a PTSD fit from the amount of explosives going off around him, you’re doing it wrong.

Of course, there are other things you might dream of having for a Fourth of July party.  As many American flags as humanly possible would be a good start.  But as long as you hit the big three, we’re happy.

And with that, we’re now about to get so drunk that July 4th turns into July 8th without us realizing it.  It’s what America would want.

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