The Informative American: SMUT! Playboy Magazine, Destroyer Of Morals! (Originally Published January, 1954)

Posted on July 31, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Damn, our 1950’s staff had some ISSUES.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

In December of 1953, a 27-year-old by the name of Hugh Hefner got the bright idea that a bunch of people might pay money to see Marilyn Monroe naked.  Apparently back in those days either there was no such thing as “the internet” or it was illegal to put google images on any setting other than safe search, but this turned into a lucrative career for the young editor, who would go on to bang more beautiful women in his 80s than you will in your entire oh no, hey easy there big fella, stop crying, we know it doesn’t seem fair, calm down.  Yeesh.  That got weird.  You got weird, we’re just gonna say it right there.  You got weird there, reader.

Anyway, while today most Americans view Playboy as, at best, a glorious beacon of American boobage, or at worst, a slightly tame titty rag, it was revolutionary for the time.

And apparently the writers of the 1950’s AFFotD predecessor, The Informative American, hated anything revolutionary.  Or they greatly abhorred the female figure.  Actually, considering their writings about homosexuality, it’s probably the latter.  Well, brace yourself for what’s sure to be awkward as we once again reach into our archives to bring you…

The Informative American:  SMUT!  Playboy Magazine, Destroyer Of Morals!  (Originally Published January, 1954)

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AFFotD Brand America Candles: Now (Mostly) Kerosene Free!

Posted on July 26, 2012 | Leave a comment

“What smells like burning cat hair?  Wait, where did this candle come from?  OH GOD WHERE’S MITTENS!?”

~That neighbor who keeps telling you “not to pile your empty liquor bottles in the hallway”

We at AFFotD are not above making a quick buck or two.  Listen, if the economy was run on whiskey and pork bellies like the good old days, we’d be fine.  But apparently freshly slaughtered pig meat in a burlap sack dripping blood won’t pay the rent.  Seriously, we tried and now we’re not allowed within a hundred feet of our landlord’s house.

Anyway, this quest for “money” has taken us to many strange places (mainly, Cuban organ harvesting compounds) but most recent (and, surprisingly, most legal) one being our foray into candle making.  Now, our knowledge of candles pretty much mirrors our knowledge of France. We don’t know much about them, but what we do know makes us what to set them on fire.

Well, our first candles didn’t sell as well as we wanted, but because this is America, we figured, why not take a concept that didn’t work the first time around, and just try it again with slightly less effort?

So fuck it.  Buy our candles.  They’re made of wax and shit.

AFFotD Brand America Candles:  Now (Mostly) Kerosene Free!

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Goddamn it Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong: Japan’s Strangest Pepsi Flavors

Posted on July 24, 2012 | 4 comments

“Ha ha, you fools!  You foolish fools!”

~Coca-Cola Executives

Pepsi, which you might know as, “Huh, really?  This Taco Bell doesn’t serve Coke?” is the  second most popular soft drink manufacturer in America.  Created in 1898 in North Carolina as “Brad’s Drink” (which we are on the record as thinking is the best name, by the way), it eventually was renamed Pepsi-Cola in 1903, and has been known as just Pepsi ever since 1961.

Throughout its history, it has consistently been less popular than Coca-Cola, a situation which it attempted to remedy with fairly awesome and insane marketing strategies and slogans.  Seriously, some early slogans for Pepsi included, “More Bounce to the Ounce,” “Don’t be a Tramp, Buy a Can”, and “Twice as Much for a Nickel” (that last one was their official slogan for eleven years).  And sure, they miiight have set Michael Jackson on fire and started his lifetime dependence on painkillers that eventually took his life, but, uh…hey, it’s the choice of a new Generation!

Either way, America knows that to get people drinking Pepsi, all they have to do is stage taste tests, get musicians to endorse it, or we guess call people tramps (you fucking tramps).  However, when Japan gets their hands on it, they try to drum up interest by doing shit like this…

This is Pepsiman.  He is the mascot of Pepsi in Japan.  He now lives exclusively in your nightmares, every time you close your eyes.

Yup, that’s right America, it’s time for another installation of our critically acclaimed (?  Okay, sure) segment-

Goddamn it Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong:  Japan’s Strangest Pepsi Flavors

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America’s Most Expensive Hamburgers

Posted on July 18, 2012 | 7 comments

“Can’t you just buy 600 McDoubles and a follow up quadruple bi-pass instead?”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

Americans love hamburgers.  It’s less costly and far more portable than steak, and it’s one of the most convenient ways to cram red meat into your colon that’ll never go away.  They’re also delicious and unhealthy and we said that already.  Of course, the reason why we eat a hamburger instead of ordering a steak is that it’s typically much cheaper to get a nice quality burger as opposed to a delicious un-ground-up chunk of animal meat.   

However, as much as America loves economic gluttony, we also love rubbing our excess wealth in the faces of everyone less fortunate than us.  Similarly to why Ron Jeremy chose a profession where he could allow as many people as possible to see his penis, many of America’s elite like to order food that reminds you that no matter how hard you studied for that Philosophy degree from one of the nation’s top universities, none of it did anything to help you earn that 15% tip they’re about to leave you that should be able to cover this month’s rent.

Sure, you can spend two dollars to stuff a McChicken inside of a McDouble, but why not show off your American know-how by ordering a hamburger that’ll cost as much as the inevitable doctor’s appointment you’d have to book after your encounter with the McGangbang?  That’s why we’re here to present you with a not-particularly-exhaustive-because-we’re-honestly-super-hungover-right-now list of…

America’s Most Expensive Hamburgers

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Big Face Animal Shirts: More Designs From The Home of the Three Wolf Moon

Posted on July 11, 2012 | 7 comments

“Now if we can only find a way to sew in a shake-n-bake Mountain Dew bottle in these things, we’ll be giving our demographic everything they could possibly ask for!”

~The Mountain

Last August, our staff woke up from our normal position of “passed out on the bourbon and tear stained carpet of our office floor” to find a package at the door.  After having our bomb-detectors/interns-who-open-our mail-blindly ensure this wasn’t another mail bomb from PETA (Come at us, bro!  Still here man!), we opened it to find a slew of shirts, a few gnawed-on sticks of venison jerky, an American flag bandana that reeked of gasoline and red phosphorous, and a few crumbled up cans of Watermelon flavored Four Loko.  We were instantly excited when we looked at the shirts, which were the most gloriously absurd American creations we had ever encountered.  Yes, we are referring to the Big Face Animal T-Shirt line from The Mountain, self-proclaimed as “America’s Greatest T-Shirt Company!” and more accurately, the “Home of the Three Wolf Moon™.”

So while we felt good that we were able to help inform you, the enterprising American with a surprisingly large collection of un-ironic trucker hats and household decorative products that have the letters “udweiser” on them, of these glorious shirts, we’ve decided to take another look at the latest offerings from The Mountain, ready to go direct from the internet to your home.  To, eventually, a mug shot for public intoxication and resisting arrest.

Big Face Animal Shirts:  The Second Wave Of Designs

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AFFotD Reviews The Five Ethnic Foods That Were Invented In America

Posted on July 10, 2012 | Leave a comment

“…YOINK!”

~American Chefs

We’re all familiar with the term “Ethnic food.”  It’s an easy, catch-all phrase that we tend to interpret as “shouldn’t your drunk ass be reaching for something American like a hamburger instead?”  Chinese Food, Mexican Food, other foods that tend not to be open as late or taste as delicious when drunk so we’re not even going to bother to list them, yes all of these are foods of foreign nations that America has begrudgingly accepted with open, inebriated arms.

Of course, the popularity of Ethnic Food would make us a little upset at the lack of Americans preferring to eat steaks with an American Flag tastefully branded into it during the cooking process if it weren’t for one surprising fact.  Most of the best Ethnic Food isn’t Ethnic at all.  It was invented right here, in the USA.

That’s right.  If this list from Mental Floss is to be believed, any unhealthy food you can do, we can do better.  So what else can we do but go through each American invented “ethnic” dish and discuss how American it was for us to hijack their cuisine and put our MSG loving paws on it.

AFFotD Reviews The Five Ethnic Foods That Were Invented In America

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Happy Birthday, America

Posted on July 4, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Fireworks!  Beer!  Quick fuses!  America!”

~Independence Day Revelers

Today is America’s birthday, in the sense that we’re looking for any reason to arbitrary get drunk and shoot off fireworks, so the day that we sent out a declaration of war to England seems like as good of a time as any to do that.  We expect nothing more on this day than you to be grilling brats, chugging beer, and setting off fireworks that are suspiciously aimed towards the windows of your Vegetarian neighbors, all while you project this very webpage onto the largest wall you can find.

Well, we’ve got our own barbeques to be hitting up, but we love you almost as much as we love America, so we figured we might as well give you a handy guide…

AFFotD’s Guide To Independence Day

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America’s Most Insane Fried Foods: Part 5

Posted on June 28, 2012 | 2 comments

“MOAR!  GODDAMN IT I SAID MOAR!”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

As we’ve mentioned time and time and time again, America loves Fried Food even more than we love Hulk Hogan, and don’t get us started about how much America loves the Hulkster.  The moment you choose to fry a food, you make it unhealthy and therefore delicious, and anytime someone says, “I don’t think you can deep fry that” they are automatically deported back to France and are placed in forced mime labor camps, where they must spend their days wearing white face makeup while they pretend to break and move boulders while trapped inside invisible boxes.  And they totally deserve their fate—when someone asks you if you would eat a deep fried sports car, the correct answer is, “Holy shit, where can I find that!” not “Uh, no, you…you realize that our bodies can’t consume metal, no matter what you do to it, right?”

And as summer approaches, so does State Fair season, which is that magical time of year where aspiring fry chefs look to get middle America as fat as possible without causing their hearts to explode, like some obesity version of Jenga (once things start wobbling you have to wait for it to settle before finishing the piece).  So in that fine American tradition, we are here to clue you in on even more fried foods created to take you that one step closer to just giving up and intravenously pumping melted butter into your arteries between meals.

America’s Most Insane Fried Foods:  Part 5

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The World’s Strangest Vodka Flavors

Posted on June 26, 2012 | 2 comments

“I don’t care if it tastes like an ashtray with an STD!  All I care about is one thing.  Will?  It?  Get?  Me?  Drunk?”

~AFFotD’s Liquor Review Board

No one would claim that vodka is a particularly “American” spirit.  But who are we to quibble in semantics?  If it gets you drunk, and has a slightly lower chance at sending you to the hospital than chugging hand sanitizer, it’s American enough for us.  Vodka is the most neutral of spirits, so while it doesn’t give you that warm, smooth feeling that bourbon does shortly before you start shouting to no one in particular there being too many French people at the local bistro, vodka does allow you get sloshed efficiently and with the aid of a whole variety of mixers.

Of course, since vodka is meant to be as flavorless as possible, many distillers take this as an opportunity to add distinct and unique flavors to their product to help it stand out in a crowded market.  We’ve already internally debated the practice of flavoring your vodkas, but unusual vodkas are everywhere, and it’s time we at least embraced this particular spirit’s diversity.  Which is why we are here to present our inaugural segment…

The World’s Strangest Vodka Flavors

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AFFotD Declares War Against “Fit” Offices

Posted on June 21, 2012 | 1 comment

“I don’t understand the question, doctor.”

~What’s not to understand!?  How often do you exercise a week!?

With obesity on the rise, causing millions of early deaths and costing billions in extra heath care costs, many Americans are making a stance and saying  “enough is enough.”  They want to encourage good eating habits, urge their fellow Americans to exercise, and generally make a concerted effort to ensure that all of us live richer, happier, healthier lives.

The fuck is wrong with these people?

We at AFFotD are here to make an unequivocal stance against this protein-drink fueled do-good-ery.  Listen, if God wanted us to live past the age of 65, he would have made pomegranate juice naturally alcoholic, and would have filled pigs with blood thinners and vitamin B12.  That’s not the way the things we’re supposed to love were made, so why fight it?  Every time you show us a woman pushing 90 as a lifelong vegetarian, we’ll show you a complicated chart that proves that in “American years” she has only lived 5 years, while Jack Kerouac was the oldest American of all time by fitting 150 years of drinking into the amount of time it took the Earth to go around the sun 47 times.

“Listen buddy, I fucked a lot of booze in my time…wait…I drank a lot of women…uh…fuck it, let’s just go driving, guys.”

One of the more pervasive ways that Americans are trying to get their sinful exercise in is to center it around their work day.  While we understand their mindsets here—sweating during the day, we could only assume, would make drinking during the night more enjoyable—we’ll have to rail against it, we shed a tear for every calorie that is not burned getting your liver to process alcohol in your body.  That is why…

AFFotD Declares War Against Fit Offices

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