America Fun Fact of the Day

Posted in Fried Foods

Tagged America, Bacon, Carnival, Fried Foods, hot dogs, State Fair

America’s Heroes Battling Monsters

Posted on August 14, 2012 | 1 comment

“I need to buy all of these. Every. Single. One.”

~You

Art is okay, we guess. It’s one of the classiest ways to see boobs, and if you have a friend that’s deciding to not make money by painting shit for a living, you at least can go to their gallery openings for an evening of free wine and sub-par cheese spreads. And there are plenty of Americans who have added very iconic and significant contributions to the artistic and pop culture world, like that one guy who designed the label for Campbell’s soup.

But if there are kinds of art that we don’t particularly care for (looking at you, 25 foot black canvas with a single silver dot on it), there’s one that we can never get enough of. And that would be images of American presidents and historical figures doing badass things in impossible contexts. We’ve shown some of these images on our site before, but now it’s time we give proper due, thanks to the gentle prodding from Bro Bible, to American digital artist Jason Heuser. Because any man that can depict Ben Franklin with Wolverine claws fighting Zeus deserves our money.

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Posted in Jackson, Lincoln, Roosevelt, The Other Guys, Washington

Tagged Abraham Lincoln, America, Andrew Jackson, Ben Franklin, Ernest Hemingway, FDR, JFK, Ronald Reagan, Teddy Roosevelt, Thomas Jefferson

AFFotD’s Guide To Going To Baseball Games

Posted on August 8, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Take me out to the…oh God, I’m so drunk right now…”

~Harry Caray

Baseball is an American pastime that is surprisingly similar to our love of cool-whip based salads—other nations might not understand why we love it so much, but that just serves to remind us why we’re the best nation in the world and every other nation is a bunch of defense-budget-ignoring pansies. Yes, baseball is a uniquely American sport that somehow still maintains its popularity despite taking three-to-four hours to play a game in an era where attention spans are so short they oh look spaghetti!

Still, Americans love baseball, and have followed it from its booze-and-coke filled beginnings, throughout its amphetamines-binging phase in the 70s and 80s, and all the way through its current steroids-and-oh-yeah-still-sometimes–coke-incarnation. And why the fascination with a sport where every player spends the majority of the game in a stationary position? Well, it helps that going to a ballgame is the most American activity one can skip work for.

It is with that intrepid American spirit that we gather our resources (get drunk and watch a baseball game) to give you the appropriate guide with all you’d need to know about going to a baseball game. Because summer will be over soon, and we don’t want to hear you bitching about how you wish you had gone outside more.

AFFotD’s Guide To Going To Baseball Games

Posted in Miscellaneous America

Tagged America, Baseball, Whisky

AFFotD Summer Olympics Viewing Guide

Posted on August 2, 2012 | Leave a comment

“J-I-N-G-O and Jingo was his name-o!”

~Olympics!

Every two years, Americans gather around their television sets to root for a bunch of sports that are either stupid but fun (Winter) or largely stupid (Summer) with the single goal of flipping the bird to every other country while saying, “We’re better than you in every possible way.” The Olympics are beautiful, and the closest we can come to Manifest Destiny without the ACLU being all up on our asses. It also helps remind us why China is a terrifying force who we have to defeat, lest they get cocky and we find ourselves in a Red Dawn situation.

As the Summer Olympics come and pass, and everyone spends two weeks pretending to care about gymnastics, running, and swimming, we are here to give you a handy guide of what American sports you should enjoy during the Olympics, and which sports you should avoid at all costs.

AFFotD’s Official Summer Olympics Guide

Posted in China, England, France, Miscellaneous America, The Rest of Them

Tagged America, Archery, China, Dressage, England, Fencing, Judo, Olympics, Sailing, Skeet Shooting, Soccer, Summer Olympics, Table Tennis

The Informative American: SMUT! Playboy Magazine, Destroyer Of Morals! (Originally Published January, 1954)

Posted on July 31, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Damn, our 1950’s staff had some ISSUES.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

In December of 1953, a 27-year-old by the name of Hugh Hefner got the bright idea that a bunch of people might pay money to see Marilyn Monroe naked. Apparently back in those days either there was no such thing as “the internet” or it was illegal to put google images on any setting other than safe search, but this turned into a lucrative career for the young editor, who would go on to bang more beautiful women in his 80s than you will in your entire oh no, hey easy there big fella, stop crying, we know it doesn’t seem fair, calm down. Yeesh. That got weird. You got weird, we’re just gonna say it right there. You got weird there, reader.

Anyway, while today most Americans view Playboy as, at best, a glorious beacon of American boobage, or at worst, a slightly tame titty rag, it was revolutionary for the time.

And apparently the writers of the 1950’s AFFotD predecessor, The Informative American, hated anything revolutionary. Or they greatly abhorred the female figure. Actually, considering their writings about homosexuality, it’s probably the latter. Well, brace yourself for what’s sure to be awkward as we once again reach into our archives to bring you…

The Informative American: SMUT! Playboy Magazine, Destroyer Of Morals! (Originally Published January, 1954)

Posted in The Informative American

Tagged America, Playboy, The Informative American

AFFotD Brand America Candles: Now (Mostly) Kerosene Free!

Posted on July 26, 2012 | Leave a comment

“What smells like burning cat hair? Wait, where did this candle come from? OH GOD WHERE’S MITTENS!?”

~That neighbor who keeps telling you “not to pile your empty liquor bottles in the hallway”

We at AFFotD are not above making a quick buck or two. Listen, if the economy was run on whiskey and pork bellies like the good old days, we’d be fine. But apparently freshly slaughtered pig meat in a burlap sack dripping blood won’t pay the rent. Seriously, we tried and now we’re not allowed within a hundred feet of our landlord’s house.

Anyway, this quest for “money” has taken us to many strange places (mainly, Cuban organ harvesting compounds) but most recent (and, surprisingly, most legal) one being our foray into candle making. Now, our knowledge of candles pretty much mirrors our knowledge of France. We don’t know much about them, but what we do know makes us what to set them on fire.

Well, our first candles didn’t sell as well as we wanted, but because this is America, we figured, why not take a concept that didn’t work the first time around, and just try it again with slightly less effort?

So fuck it. Buy our candles. They’re made of wax and shit.

AFFotD Brand America Candles: Now (Mostly) Kerosene Free!

Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day

Tagged AFFotD Candles, America, Robocop

Goddamn it Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong: Japan’s Strangest Pepsi Flavors

Posted on July 24, 2012 | 4 comments

“Ha ha, you fools! You foolish fools!”

~Coca-Cola Executives

Pepsi, which you might know as, “Huh, really? This Taco Bell doesn’t serve Coke?” is the second most popular soft drink manufacturer in America. Created in 1898 in North Carolina as “Brad’s Drink” (which we are on the record as thinking is the best name, by the way), it eventually was renamed Pepsi-Cola in 1903, and has been known as just Pepsi ever since 1961.

Throughout its history, it has consistently been less popular than Coca-Cola, a situation which it attempted to remedy with fairly awesome and insane marketing strategies and slogans. Seriously, some early slogans for Pepsi included, “More Bounce to the Ounce,” “Don’t be a Tramp, Buy a Can”, and “Twice as Much for a Nickel” (that last one was their official slogan for eleven years). And sure, they miiight have set Michael Jackson on fire and started his lifetime dependence on painkillers that eventually took his life, but, uh…hey, it’s the choice of a new Generation!

Either way, America knows that to get people drinking Pepsi, all they have to do is stage taste tests, get musicians to endorse it, or we guess call people tramps (you fucking tramps). However, when Japan gets their hands on it, they try to drum up interest by doing shit like this…

This is Pepsiman. He is the mascot of Pepsi in Japan. He now lives exclusively in your nightmares, every time you close your eyes.

Yup, that’s right America, it’s time for another installation of our critically acclaimed (? Okay, sure) segment-

Goddamn it Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong: Japan’s Strangest Pepsi Flavors

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Posted in Japan

Tagged America, Goddamn It Japan You're Doing it Wrong, Japanese Pepsi, Pepsi

America’s Most Expensive Hamburgers

Posted on July 18, 2012 | 7 comments

“Can’t you just buy 600 McDoubles and a follow up quadruple bi-pass instead?”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

Americans love hamburgers. It’s less costly and far more portable than steak, and it’s one of the most convenient ways to cram red meat into your colon that’ll never go away. They’re also delicious and unhealthy and we said that already. Of course, the reason why we eat a hamburger instead of ordering a steak is that it’s typically much cheaper to get a nice quality burger as opposed to a delicious un-ground-up chunk of animal meat.

However, as much as America loves economic gluttony, we also love rubbing our excess wealth in the faces of everyone less fortunate than us. Similarly to why Ron Jeremy chose a profession where he could allow as many people as possible to see his penis, many of America’s elite like to order food that reminds you that no matter how hard you studied for that Philosophy degree from one of the nation’s top universities, none of it did anything to help you earn that 15% tip they’re about to leave you that should be able to cover this month’s rent.

Sure, you can spend two dollars to stuff a McChicken inside of a McDouble, but why not show off your American know-how by ordering a hamburger that’ll cost as much as the inevitable doctor’s appointment you’d have to book after your encounter with the McGangbang? That’s why we’re here to present you with a not-particularly-exhaustive-because-we’re-honestly-super-hungover-right-now list of…

America’s Most Expensive Hamburgers

7 Comments

Posted in Hot Dogs, Hamburgers, Steaks

Tagged America, Expensive Hamburgers, Hamburger

Big Face Animal Shirts: More Designs From The Home of the Three Wolf Moon

Posted on July 11, 2012 | 7 comments

“Now if we can only find a way to sew in a shake-n-bake Mountain Dew bottle in these things, we’ll be giving our demographic everything they could possibly ask for!”

~The Mountain

Last August, our staff woke up from our normal position of “passed out on the bourbon and tear stained carpet of our office floor” to find a package at the door. After having our bomb-detectors/interns-who-open-our mail-blindly ensure this wasn’t another mail bomb from PETA (Come at us, bro! Still here man!), we opened it to find a slew of shirts, a few gnawed-on sticks of venison jerky, an American flag bandana that reeked of gasoline and red phosphorous, and a few crumbled up cans of Watermelon flavored Four Loko. We were instantly excited when we looked at the shirts, which were the most gloriously absurd American creations we had ever encountered. Yes, we are referring to the Big Face Animal T-Shirt line from The Mountain, self-proclaimed as “America’s Greatest T-Shirt Company!” and more accurately, the “Home of the Three Wolf Moon™.”

So while we felt good that we were able to help inform you, the enterprising American with a surprisingly large collection of un-ironic trucker hats and household decorative products that have the letters “udweiser” on them, of these glorious shirts, we’ve decided to take another look at the latest offerings from The Mountain, ready to go direct from the internet to your home. To, eventually, a mug shot for public intoxication and resisting arrest.

Big Face Animal Shirts: The Second Wave Of Designs

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Posted in Big Face Animal Shirts

Tagged America, Moon Howling Wolf Shirt, Mountain, T-Shirt, The Mountain, Wolf

AFFotD Reviews The Five Ethnic Foods That Were Invented In America

Posted on July 10, 2012 | Leave a comment

“…YOINK!”

~American Chefs

We’re all familiar with the term “Ethnic food.” It’s an easy, catch-all phrase that we tend to interpret as “shouldn’t your drunk ass be reaching for something American like a hamburger instead?” Chinese Food, Mexican Food, other foods that tend not to be open as late or taste as delicious when drunk so we’re not even going to bother to list them, yes all of these are foods of foreign nations that America has begrudgingly accepted with open, inebriated arms.

Of course, the popularity of Ethnic Food would make us a little upset at the lack of Americans preferring to eat steaks with an American Flag tastefully branded into it during the cooking process if it weren’t for one surprising fact. Most of the best Ethnic Food isn’t Ethnic at all. It was invented right here, in the USA.

That’s right. If this list from Mental Floss is to be believed, any unhealthy food you can do, we can do better. So what else can we do but go through each American invented “ethnic” dish and discuss how American it was for us to hijack their cuisine and put our MSG loving paws on it.

AFFotD Reviews The Five Ethnic Foods That Were Invented In America