Category Archives: America’s Culinary Treats

Did you know that the average American woman weighs 163 pounds, while the average American man weighs 190? It’s true. What does that tell us? Clearly some of you are holding us back, you skinny bastards. That’s why we at AFFotD present you with this list of foods which are delicious, American, and amazingly unhealthy. If we all work together, we can bring the average weight of an American above the Mendoza line! Get to reading, get to eating.

Oreos: Encouraging Children to Play With Their Food Since 1912

Posted on March 20, 2012 | 1 comment

“What’s the deal with Oreos? More like WHORE-eos, amiright? This guy knows what I’m talking about!”

~Booo, you suck, get off the stage!

Recently, an American desert institution celebrated 100 years of tricking kids into drinking milk while making it easier for The Mighty Ducks to throw around racial jokes that have aged pretty poorly. Yes, soggy Oreos have been shoved down eager American gullets and made here in the grand U S of A since 1912. And what better way to celebrate this centennial with a good old fashioned fun fact about everyone’s cookie product (behind Girl Scout Cookie Thin Mints and Samoas ), the Oreo.

Oreos: Encouraging Children to Play With Their Food Since 1912

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Posted in America's Best Foods

Tagged America, Chocolate, Cream, Habisco, Milk, Oreo

Space Food in America

Posted on March 8, 2012 | 1 comment

“I will punch you in the goddamn face if you besmirch Astronaut Ice Cream.”

~Buzz Aldrin

While Russia may have been the first country to stick their dirty, probably frostbitten, grubby little fingers into the great pool of outer space, but America was the country that blindly cannonballed in there as we made it our bitch. Take that, comrades, how’s never going to the moon feel? Pretty shitty, huh?

While we might only now be finally catching up to the American dream of drinking a beer in space, we realized pretty early on in the game that it was important for us to feed our astronauts. So, of course, Americans have spent decades researching and determining what a select few can eat when they are floating in a tin can far above the world. Yes, this mental energy could have been spent on trivial things like “curing cancer” or “inventing a mayonnaise that won’t make bread soggy if it’s stored overnight” but, nope, we had to feed 500 people over a 50 year period. Damn straight we did! Astronauts get swag, you should know this by now. That’s why we’re here to present…

The American History of Space Food

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Posted in Strange Foods

Tagged America, apollo, Space, space food, Space Shuttle

The Most American Restaurants of: CHICAGO

Posted on March 6, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Second city? More like fifth coronary, amiright?”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

America loves to eat. That shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone. When you live in a country that has 14,000 McDonalds, 7,500 Pizza Huts, and 6,500 Dunkin’ Donuts, you know that you have a pretty large population of people who live to stuff their faces. But while fast food chains are appropriately American, getting you unhealthy food quick enough that you can fat fat fatty FAT, it is truly the local American restaurants that are able to really embrace American culinary ideals. Because sure, if Hardees wants to make a burger with twice your daily allotment of fat in it, people are going to flip their shit, but if someone has a heart attack in the midst of eating a 6,000 calorie burger, it’s fucking awesome (unless that man’s family is reading this, in which case we salute him for going down like a fucking boss).

That’s why we here at AFFotD are starting our latest American feature—the most American restaurants of major American cities.

So when we think of cities that thrive on unhealthy food and have so little shame that we’re pretty sure veganism is a considered a misdemeanor by its police force, we think of the one city that we’d like to start this segment out with.

The city of fat asses broad shoulders… Chicago, Illinois.

The Most American Restaurants of: CHICAGO

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When Sodium Meets Sugar: America’s Best Sweet and Savory Combinations

Posted on February 14, 2012 | 2 comments

“And from whence the savory and sweet shall be wrought, it’ll probably taste awesome, like a bacon lollipop.”

~Hamlet, Act VI, Scene LXVI

We’ve previously informed you of all the glorious things that now exist in bacon flavored varieties. Yes, Bacon is the Neil Patrick Harris of foods- it’s impossible not to like it, unless you are a deeply morally flawed human being. But when we talk about bacon, we forget about the entire subset of foods that bacon belongs to, and it’s interaction with other culinary areas.

Yes, if “Savory” were a cycling team, “Bacon” would be its Lance Armstrong (sorry, someone bet us we couldn’t make a cycling joke or a Lance Armstrong joke without mentioning steroids or testicle counting, so we had to make sure to win it. We really needed the twenty bucks) but it’s important to remember that savory food items are an important part of American culinary creative process. Because Savory allows us to bring in the sweet, and when the two are combined you get some glorious, completely unhealthy American food iteams.

So let’s take a look at America’s finest sweet and savory concoctions with…

When Sodium Meets Sugar: America’s Best Sweet and Savory Combinations

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Posted in America's Best Foods

The Strangest Coffee Flavors in America

Posted on January 26, 2012 | 4 comments

“Coffee coffee coffee coffee.”

~So-called “morning people”

People like to say that coffee is the most consumed drug in America, which is part of the reason why most heroin users think the rest of us are giant pussies. Calling coffee a drug is like calling hamburgers a serial killer. You can stretch the definition enough for it to be technically true, but everyone is still going to roll their eyes at you. Yeah, it’s addictive, but so is pornography, and people don’t call that a drug. So ease up, okay?

Yes, coffee is an integral part of the American office experience, and if it didn’t exist our nation’s productivity would slow to a crawl (unless cocaine started to become big again). But some people might not like the taste of coffee, and filling your caffeine delivery system with sugar and cream might get boring after a while.

So how would a non-coffee drinking American overcome this hurdle? How can they get the necessary caffeine to get them through the day if they don’t like the glorious bitterness that is a freshly brewed cup of coffee? Do they drink tea? Do they try cutting down on their caffeine intake, instead just getting through the day on their own natural energy afforded them through a combination of a healthy diet and good sleeping habits?

Fuck that, let’s just make coffee that doesn’t taste like coffee!

The Strangest Coffee Flavors in America

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Posted in Strange Foods

Tagged America, Caffeine, Coffee, Flavors, Strange Coffee

America’s Fried Foods: Part 4

Posted on January 24, 2012 | 1 comment

“You guys gotta ease up on me here, the doctor says I can’t keep trying all these insane fried foods.”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

We’ve made no secret of the fact that we love us some fried foods. And we especially love fried food that strives to be as unhealthy as possible. And it gets us so excited we can’t even sum up our article that includes fried beer. Yes, fried foods are an important part of American culture, keeping health care rates down while lowering instances of heart disease amongst middle aged Americans (or the opposite of those things, whatever). And as Americans continue trying to deep fry foods with reckless abandon, blindly dipping new foods into deep fryers like a kid trying to mix together as many slushy flavors as he can fit inside his 7-eleven cup, so too are we here to present you with…

America’s Fried Foods: Part 4

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Posted in Fried Foods

Tagged America, Cheesecake, Fried Foods, lobster, Moon Pies, Tofu

What America is Eating (Fat Fat Fatty!)

Posted on January 12, 2012 | Leave a comment

“*Disconcerting gurgling noise*”

~America’s Belly

Did you know that America loves to eat? Haha, trick question, any true American has the answer “yes” engraved to their souls, and everyone who spent a moment pondering that just got brutally mugged by thieves who decided to take advantage of the distraction. The only reason California eats healthy food is to trick other countries in thinking that at least some of us are healthy, and even they have to deal with In-N-Out burgers to distract them. But how much exactly do your typical Americans eat?

Well, about a ton a year. Yes, we’re serious.

Let’s take a look at…

What America is Eating (Fat Fat Fatty!)

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Culture War 2: AFFotD Takes on France’s Only Good Idea Ever

Posted on January 11, 2012 | 1 comment

“RAGE STROKE!”

~Johnny Roosevelt

Comparing America to France is like comparing a Filet Mignon to a country that no one likes. There’s a reason why food critics write for different types of websites than people who are trying to teach you how to set up a compost pile. France is a piece of shit, is what we’re trying to say. But every once and a while, even a terrible, terrible nation like France can do something that makes us, well, envious. And when that happens, it puts us in a psychological shame spiral that inevitably leads to driving a few cars through convenience store walls to steal massive amounts of 40s.

This is one of those times. Stay away from any of the 7-Elevens in your neighborhood that sell liquor, because take a look at what we found that the French are selling.

IT’S A DARTH VADER BURGER WITH AN ENTIRELY BLACK BUN! GODDAMN IT FRANCE! IT’S ON!

IT’S ON!

Culture War 2: AFFotD Takes on France’s Only Good Idea Ever

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Posted in America's Culinary Treats, France

Tagged America, Culture War, Darth Vader, France, Hamburger, Star Wars

Wendy’s Presents: The Double-Double Down- Your Heart Knows What It Did And It Has To Pay

Posted on December 30, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Why do you want us to hurt you so?”

~Wendy’s Executives

We’ve taken a lot of shit from Wendy’s in our partnership with the fast food chain. Our crack legal team did look into the contract and found there was a way to free ourselves from the oppressive rule of Wendy’s… It was so simple, we’re a little embarrassed that it took us so long to realize it.

Wendy’s has recently, for the first time, begun airing commercials with Wendy Thomas, the namesake of Wendy’s. And from watching that, there’s one thing that can free us from our servitude…

Wendy is fat.

Hmm…That’s supposed to do it. It says explicitly right here that if we point out that Wendy Thomas, the person Wendy’s was named after, was fat, we’d have some sign that the contract is void and…

Wait…

What’s that rumbling?

Yes. Yessss. Be gone foul spirits! RELEASE US!

Ah yes. We’re free. We’re…oh we’re finally free. Now we can talk about this without any interference.

The Double-Double Down: Your Heart Knows What It Did And It Has To Pay

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Category Archives: America’s Culinary Treats

Oreos: Encouraging Children to Play With Their Food Since 1912

Space Food in America

The Most American Restaurants of: CHICAGO

When Sodium Meets Sugar: America’s Best Sweet and Savory Combinations

The Strangest Coffee Flavors in America

America’s Fried Foods: Part 4

What America is Eating (Fat Fat Fatty!)

Culture War 2: AFFotD Takes on France’s Only Good Idea Ever

Wendy’s Presents: The Double-Double Down- Your Heart Knows What It Did And It Has To Pay

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