Category Archives: America Fun Fact of the Day

AFFotD’s Strangest Search Engine Hits

“Ha, sorry guys, no titties here.”

~AffotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

google

Running a website dedicated to Americanness in all of its makingupnessofwordsness forms is a lot like being God.  You wield total power (not only can we delete your comments if we don’t like them, we can edit the text of your comment to make you seem stupid), you are totally in charge of what people can see, and most people don’t have a clue if you exist or not.  Do we let this power go to our head?  Oh, absolutely.

But there’s another aspect to maintaining AFFotD that you might not immediately assume—when you find our website through a google search, it lets us know what you searched for that led you to read our website.  A lot of the times, it’s not anything that’s particularly surprising.  For example, our most searched item is “Popcorn Sutton” because we wrote an article about Popcorn Sutton that had some, well, less than ideal writing decisions, but people finding our site searching that name, that just makes sense.  Additionally, we’ve had over 2,000 people find our page searching for “ugly cow” because we once wrote an article that had a picture of an ugly cow.  Google is not nearly as sophisticated as all their algorithm talk would have you believe.

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“Ha, that cow is CRAZY!”

~Google Executives

Naturally, people will use odd and occasionally sketchy search terms that somehow leads to them stumbling onto our site.  These search engine hits generally range from “very strange” to “ha ha ha ha oh man y’all search for boobs a lot, you’re going to be really pissed off when you click that link and end up staring at a grizzly bear toting a shotgun.”  Today, we’re going to focus on some of the weirder terms we’ve run into.

AFFotD’s Strangest Search Engine Hits

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Wherein AFFotD Celebrates its 4th Anniversary, Looking Inward and Critiquing the Failings of its 10 Most Popular Articles: A Douchey and Pretentious Meta Exercise by our Laziest Writers

“Alright, let me have it.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

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When people are asked to describe America Fun Fact of the Day, the most common responses tend to be “brilliant,” “incredible,” “life-affirming” and “What the fuck is AFFotD, what are you doing in my house, where are your clothes, oh God you reek of whiskey, that’s it, I’m calling the fucking cops.”  However, every once and a while, a handful spineless dick-cough weasel pansies say that we’re “harsh and kind of mean.”  Specifically, people say that when we take the time out of our day to viciously insult people that aren’t living up to our standard of Americaness.  This usually occurs when we write articles with lengthy titles that begin “Wherein” and result in 3,000 word screeds that mercilessly and often personally attack and insult the writers of stupid articles about Thanksgiving, Fortune Magazine, or, um, small children.

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The fuck you looking at, punk?

Since today marks the 4th anniversary of affotd.com existing as a website as opposed to a series of note cards jammed randomly into a file cabinet labeled “The Internet!” in our editor-in-chief’s bedroom closet, we figured it was time to turn the mirror on ourselves.  That’s right, we’re gonna rip into our own articles, which is totally not a fancy way to avoid creating any new content of value.  No, shut up, this has nothing to do with the fact that most of our research staff is hungover out of their minds.  Shut up.  Just, okay?

So we looked up the 10 most viewed articles in the history of America Fun Fact of the Day thus far, and will review and deconstruct every one of them.  For science, or whatever.

Wherein AFFotD Celebrates Their 4th Anniversary, Looking Inward and Critiquing the Failings of its 10 Most Popular Articles: A Douchey and Pretentious Meta Exercise by our Laziest Writers

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AFFotD Archives: The 10 Greatest Christmas Movies Of All Time, A Drinking Game

Note from Johnny Roosevelt, Editor-in-Chief of AFFotD.com

With the holiday season upon us, we decided today would be as good of a time as any to dig up one of our old favorite Christmas articles to share with you.  This article, originally from 2012, still rings true today, and if you don’t watch at least three of these movies while getting plastered this Christmas, you clearly don’t love your family enough.

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“Ca-ching!”

~TV Executives during Christmas film re-runs season

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Christmas is a time of family and nostalgia.  Well, liquor as well.  And definitely presents.  Okay, so Christmas is a time of liquor and presents.  Still, nostalgia and family play an important part, and every family tends to have their own Christmas movie that they watch each year to get them in the holiday spirit.  Sure, you occasionally might see some terrifyingly misguided attempts to be “hip” to cash in on the holiday season, but no matter how many shitty country music stars you put in front of a live audience, the classic films we grew up with are what really give us our holiday cheer each and every year.

With Christmas right around the corner (AGHH!  ONE WEEK YOU GUYS!), we decided to count down the greatest Christmas films to ever come out of this fair country.  But, since everyone uses the holiday season as a flimsy excuse to drive their page views by coming up with a gimmicky top-ten Christmas film list, we decided we’d get to the true heart of the holiday season—getting drunk.  After all, drinking games bring American families together even better than classic holiday films, so why not combine these two wonderful traditions to help bring each and every family drunkenly closer together?  With that yuletide spirit in mind, make sure to put some extra bourbon in your already-spiked eggnog, and join us as we regale you with…

The 10 Greatest Christmas Movies Of All Time Drinking Game

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ALDI: Revisited and Re-reviewed

“Jesus Christ, why do you all love Aldi so much?”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

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Three years ago, no, sorry, more than three years ago, we posted a little joke article on our jokey informative site.  It was called, “ALDI Owns Trader Joe’s, Corners the Market on Cheap Food Knockoffs.”  It was fine.  It made a lot of jokes about ALDI being for poor people, because their stuff is super cheap, their products almost comically try to mimic the name and design of name brands, and if you’ve ever been to an ALDI that’s not in a kind of shitty neighborhood, well congratulations you live in New Hampshire, shut up.  Oh, we said something like, “there are two kinds of people in this world, those that shop at ALDI, and those that have jobs.”  Ha ha, a little joke, making fun of how cheap and cost-cutting ALDI is.

And holy shit, people got mad.

shar comment

Like, really mad.

bernotas comment

Like, fucking three years later, out of the fucking blue mad.

pete comment

By the way, outside of Pete’s spelling of “8insurance” being absolutely hilarious, we love the email he listed in his “you must put an email to post a comment” section (yes, we can see what email you use, yes most of them are obviously fake, and a surprising amount of you go into making your fake email address specific to your comment, which, hey, kudos.)  It was nycceo@yahoo.com.  NYC CEO!  That’s so perfect.  That’s the funniest thing we’ve ever seen from someone trying to center their argument with a brick wall around the concept of “I am a CEO, and even I go to 8ALDI.”  We had to email the address, just to make sure it was fake.  No, seriously, we had to know.

email

Damn.

Anyway, the point being, we’ve gotten nearly a dozen comments, all angry, all insisting that ALDI is amazing, and that we’re wrongheaded bigots for daring to insult it.  We’re close-minded in dismissing this righteous, German-owned chain of grocery stores.  These billionaire owners of ALDI deserve better!  They sell us fruit cups a dollar cheaper than Rite Aid!  So it appears you sons of bitches want us to re-evaluate our stance on ALDI, because fucking everyone has way too strong of an opinion about that store.  Fine.  We’ll do you that favor.  This is literally the first time we’ve had to revisit a topic, but we’re doing it for you, the social media managers of ALDI the fans.

ALDI:  Revisited and Re-reviewed

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The 7 Longest Books in American History

“That’s no book.  It’s a space station.”

~Obi-wan Librarian

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America has a very tenuous relationship with books, and literacy in general.  On one hand, you’re here, reading these words, and only about 25% of you have to slowly-mouth-out-the-words-as-you-read-along.  But on the other hand, reading is hard.  Hell, that’s why this page is covered with flags and bears and shit because look at the shiny things look at the shiny things thanks for the page click sorry there aren’t more side-boob slideshows for you.

The fact of the matter is, while many Americans appreciate a good book, and even spend their free time reading as opposed to, say, drinking and watching Netflix in whiskey haze, others think that books are for suckers.  We’re not going to take a side on this topic, unless we write and subsequently try to sell a book, in which case, literature is awesome, RIP Borders you will be missed, long live Barnes and Noble.

But, as long as there has been literature, there have been works of literature that are soooooo long (“how long are they?”) they are soooo long… that it would take an incredible amount of time and patience to get through them.

Damn, we really thought there could be a joke in there.  A joke about long books…long…something.  Nope, we got nothing.  Damn shame.  Anyway, here are the longest books ever written by American authors.

The 7 Longest Books In America

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Today in American History: Memorial Days of American History

“In honor of the sacrifice of our men and women overseas, you don’t have to work on Monday, freeing up Sunday for a drunken barbeque.”

 ~The Constitution, probably

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This Monday is Memorial Day, the national holiday where we remember the men and women who have died while serving in the Armed Forces by taking advantage of a three-day weekend right around the time that the weather starts finally getting warm.  There’s beer, family, friends, barbecues, and we think this is the one where you’re allowed to start wearing white as opposed to the one where you should stop wearing white.

So on this particular Memorial Day, we decided to dig through the nation’s history and give you an insight into important events that have happened on Memorial Days of the past during the handful of times where we’ve managed to do something besides spilling light beer on our American flag grilling aprons.

Today in American History:  Memorial Days of American History

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The Most Absurd Animated Spin-Offs of Classic Movies

Yes, of course!  Turn it into a cartoon!  The kids will love it!  This coke is amazing I AM INVINSIBLE!”

~Television Executives of the 80s and 90s

beatlejuice

If there’s anything you should take away from our recent article discussing the horrendous movie sequels you didn’t know existed, it’s that nothing is sacred and artistic integrity is a lie we tell ourselves when we watch the first two Godfather movies while pretending that Sophia Coppola never acted.  It’s good that we ripped that Band-Aid off quickly because things are going to get worse from here.  No, we’re not going to list another set of American-Psycho-2-esque horrendous sequels.

We’re going to talk about your favorite movies turned into baffling, strange, and unnecessary Saturday Morning Cartoons.

Yes, while you were enjoying a happy childhood where your weekends were spent watching GI Joe and Doug, the powers that be decided that your favorite movies should also be cheaply animated and interspersed with commercials for Breakfast cereals.  Who cares if the original material is “Rated R” or “features pee-wee hockey players, not giant duck aliens, you fucking maniac”?  Cartoons are cheap to make, dammit, and it’s not like an animated series could do any more damage to the Police Academy series than Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach has done already.

Below are the list of America’s most unnecessary animated spin-offs.  And holy hell, are they unnecessary.

The Most Absurd Animated Spin-Offs of Classic Movies

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Welcome to New Russia, Comrades!

“Everything fine.  Did you hear that North Korea now make all men have same cut hair?  Very crazy.  Ignore Crimea.”

~American Fun Facts of Day Website?

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The American History Of The Reuben Sandwich

“There’s no reason why this should be as good as it is…well, no, you’re right, corned beef.  Right, that, that helps a lot.”

~Reuben Scientists  (shut up, they exist)

 reuben sandwich

When we undertook the foolhardy-in-retrospect project of listing every regional submarine-style sandwich in America, we were greeted by a lot of feedback.  Mainly, “What about the sandwiches that aren’t shaped like dicks?  What about those sandwiches.”  Of course, if we had expanded our criteria to include all sandwiches in America, we’d all be dead, having emotionally snapped and rented a bus to drive our whole staff into the ocean somewhere between writing up the dagwood sandwich and the Limburger sandwich.  Our families wouldn’t have even shown up at the funerals, so worried that the corpses would spring back to life to tell them to spend twenty minutes complaining that the Jibarito isn’t nearly well-known enough to warrant its own Wikipedia page.  Ultimately, the decision to limit the sandwiches in our regional sandwiches articles was the right one, both for the marriages of our staff as well as for our rapidly depleted alcohol supply, but it did leave us feeling a little hollow.  What was the point in tearing out our hair to scrap together a few sentences on how people who call sandwiches “sarneys” are terrible people who should pay for what they have done, if we don’t get to reward ourselves by looking at pictures of delicious non-elongated sandwiches.  Sandwiches that we love, that we crave, that make our lives better.

Sandwiches like the Reuben.

The Reuben is either your favorite sandwich, or the sandwich you always forget about until you see someone order a Reuben and say, “Goddamn, it’s been a while since I’ve had a Reuben, I’ll take one too, now that you mention it.”  Everyone appreciates it, even though most of us probably think that the Reuben has foreign, possibly European, origins.  It’s not an unfair assumption.  After all, this is a toasted rye bread sandwich that’s filled with ingredients that are considered Jewish or Irish (corned beef), Swiss (cheese), Russian (dressing), or German (sauerkraut).  Of course, the very multicultural aspect of the Reuben itself should be a clear indicator that it has American origins, though the simple fact that it’s delicious and savory and way more unhealthy than even your worst assumptions (yes, yes, all the saturated fats, all of them into the churning maw) should be enough of a clue as far as its Americanness goes.  And we’re going to let you in on the American history of this cultural hodgepodge of cured meat, fermented cabbage, and mayonnaise haphazardly mixed with ketchup.  Not because the Reuben is the sandwich you need, but because it’s the sandwich you deserve.

The American History Of The Reuben Sandwich

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Regional Hot Dog Styles Of America: Part 2

“Hot dog hot dog, it so yummy, hot dog hot dog, in my tummy.”

~The Brothers Grimm

hot dogs

Since we’re gluttons for punishment (or, honestly, just regular gluttons) we’ve decided to talk to you about every regional hot dog in America.  It turns out, there are a lot of places that claim their own style of hot dogs, and most of them adhere to the philosophy of “just douse it in chili,” which honestly, we fully support.  If you have a tube of unhealthy, delicious meat, covering that with even more delicious, unhealthy meat is pretty much the definition of an American impulse.  And so we continue onward into the sodium-enriched world of American hot dogs.

Regional Hot Dog Styles Of America: Part 2

more hot dogs

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