“Ha, sorry guys, no titties here.”
~AffotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt
Running a website dedicated to Americanness in all of its makingupnessofwordsness forms is a lot like being God. You wield total power (not only can we delete your comments if we don’t like them, we can edit the text of your comment to make you seem stupid), you are totally in charge of what people can see, and most people don’t have a clue if you exist or not. Do we let this power go to our head? Oh, absolutely.
But there’s another aspect to maintaining AFFotD that you might not immediately assume—when you find our website through a google search, it lets us know what you searched for that led you to read our website. A lot of the times, it’s not anything that’s particularly surprising. For example, our most searched item is “Popcorn Sutton” because we wrote an article about Popcorn Sutton that had some, well, less than ideal writing decisions, but people finding our site searching that name, that just makes sense. Additionally, we’ve had over 2,000 people find our page searching for “ugly cow” because we once wrote an article that had a picture of an ugly cow. Google is not nearly as sophisticated as all their algorithm talk would have you believe.
“Ha, that cow is CRAZY!”
~Google Executives
Naturally, people will use odd and occasionally sketchy search terms that somehow leads to them stumbling onto our site. These search engine hits generally range from “very strange” to “ha ha ha ha oh man y’all search for boobs a lot, you’re going to be really pissed off when you click that link and end up staring at a grizzly bear toting a shotgun.” Today, we’re going to focus on some of the weirder terms we’ve run into.
AFFotD’s Strangest Search Engine Hits



















ALDI: Revisited and Re-reviewed
“Jesus Christ, why do you all love Aldi so much?”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt
Three years ago, no, sorry, more than three years ago, we posted a little joke article on our jokey informative site. It was called, “ALDI Owns Trader Joe’s, Corners the Market on Cheap Food Knockoffs.” It was fine. It made a lot of jokes about ALDI being for poor people, because their stuff is super cheap, their products almost comically try to mimic the name and design of name brands, and if you’ve ever been to an ALDI that’s not in a kind of shitty neighborhood, well congratulations you live in New Hampshire, shut up. Oh, we said something like, “there are two kinds of people in this world, those that shop at ALDI, and those that have jobs.” Ha ha, a little joke, making fun of how cheap and cost-cutting ALDI is.
And holy shit, people got mad.
Like, really mad.
Like, fucking three years later, out of the fucking blue mad.
By the way, outside of Pete’s spelling of “8insurance” being absolutely hilarious, we love the email he listed in his “you must put an email to post a comment” section (yes, we can see what email you use, yes most of them are obviously fake, and a surprising amount of you go into making your fake email address specific to your comment, which, hey, kudos.) It was nycceo@yahoo.com. NYC CEO! That’s so perfect. That’s the funniest thing we’ve ever seen from someone trying to center their argument with a brick wall around the concept of “I am a CEO, and even I go to 8ALDI.” We had to email the address, just to make sure it was fake. No, seriously, we had to know.
Damn.
Anyway, the point being, we’ve gotten nearly a dozen comments, all angry, all insisting that ALDI is amazing, and that we’re wrongheaded bigots for daring to insult it. We’re close-minded in dismissing this righteous, German-owned chain of grocery stores. These billionaire owners of ALDI deserve better! They sell us fruit cups a dollar cheaper than Rite Aid! So it appears you sons of bitches want us to re-evaluate our stance on ALDI, because fucking everyone has way too strong of an opinion about that store. Fine. We’ll do you that favor. This is literally the first time we’ve had to revisit a topic, but we’re doing it for you, the social media managers of ALDI the fans.
ALDI: Revisited and Re-reviewed
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Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day, The Rest of Them
Tagged ALDI, America, Angry Comments, Germany, Millville, Trader Joe's