Tag Archives: Baseball

Hilarious American Senior Portraits

“Integrity be damned, steal it, steal the damn thing!”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt

As we here at the America Fun Fact of the Day offices work on, you know, teh internetz, we usually have to keep an hear to the grindstone, as people who don’t know how idioms or grindstones work would say.  The internet offers us a wealth of information so we never have to do pesky things like “Research facts” or “learn to use books instead of Wikipedia.”  You’d think with 20 people in our research staff, we’d be able to offer more breaking news stories, but nope.  Huffington Post has more employees than us (basically) and half of their posts are just embedded Daily Show segments and stories lifted from other blogs.  So excuse us if we don’t feel the need to get our hands dirty with “knowledge” when we can just do the American thing and steal other people’s hard work.

Yes, we steal stuff in America.  Get over it, man.  Besides, you’re not even an Indian.  You’re Italian.  Face.

That’s why we felt reluctant to straight up steal the meticulous work done in this article from superbooyah (who seems to split their articles evenly between “Hot chicks not wearing a lot of clothes” and “Freaky people with scary faces”) that gathered up the “100 Worst Senior Portraits of All Time” for us to marvel at.

His haircut may say “Bowl cut” but his laptop screensaver says…well, also “Bowl cut”.

But just posting the same 100 pictures would be pretty tame (and, well, time consuming for our photo department/that one homeless guy we pay a few bucks to click the “insert photo” button for us), so we’re going to go in a different route by celebrating the absurd Senior Portrait photos that have been taken that truly exemplify America in its most awkwardly adolescent glory.  That should narrow down the amount of these hilarious, hilarious pictures we utilize.  Right?

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America Fun Fact of the Day 3/20- Hahahahahaha Oh We’re So Sorry

“Oh my god, those bastards!  They suck!”

~Everyone reading today’s fun fact

As the enterprising members of the America Fun Fact of the Day staff spend the next few weeks working on additional American projects, like a ray  gun that turns celery into donuts, or a gender-neutral sex machine that plays James Brown’s “Sex Machine” during copulation, you may have noticed a drop off in production lately.  And it’s understandable that you are upset, you all pay a very high price to be the first daily receivers of the America Fun Fact of the Day.  We have all your credit cards on file, as you no doubt have noticed the surprisingly expensive charges to “Xing Xia’s Massage” that have been popping up on your credit card bills.  How does one massage cost 500 bucks?  It’s all part of the creative process, you wouldn’t understand.

So, as a huge “fuck you” to you, the loyal readers…today’s Fun Fact will be a fucking clip show.  That’s right, just a clipboard of the greatest America Fun Fact of the Day moments of the past few months.

You see, clip shows are the most American form of entertainment.  It’s backhanded, which is the best way Americans like to deal with things (can I get a “How?” from my Indian brothers and sisters out there?  Ha, see what I did there?), and it’s incredible lazy, which is, all together now, American.  As with any clip show, we’ll add some thematic additions to each bit, but really, the writers just crapped this out in like 10 minutes, because what the hell.

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Baseball Caps: Durable Tool of Athletes and Douchebags

“Baseball caps MUST BE WORN BACKWARDS.”

~You, 1992, after seeing “3 Ninjas”

“Why is every douchebag in this bar wearing a backwards baseball cap?”

~You, last Saturday

America is all about putting shit on the tops of their head.  While the notions of hats date back to the 15th century, when French noblemen began putting cloth and feathers in a piece shaped to fit the top of their skulls in their generations old tradition of, “How ridiculous can we make ourselves look in oil paintings,” hats are an essential clothing item for most everyone in the world, be it practical like a ski-cap, or offensive to a lot of people to hear it described as a “hat” like those water jugs African villagers carry on their heads.

“Let’s call it ‘Tribal Chic’ and sell it to impressionable socialites!”

But of all the hats, can you think of one that is truly American?  Sure, we have hats such as the Top Hat, the Sombrero, the….beret.  But what is the most American hat?  The one hat out there that grabs you by the ears and screams, “LOOK AT ME!  I AM AMERICA!”

The Coonskin cap?  Oh…fuck, yeah that’s actually a really good one.  Like really good.  Goddamn it, no that’s not the one we’re writing about today, but we sort of wish we were.  We had forgotten about all the badass traits associated with the Coonskin cap.  Goddamn it.  That meets both the “fuck nature” quotient we try to cram into every AFFotD, plus it would let us go on just a crazy wild tangent about Davy “Kills With a Smile” Crockett.  Davy fucking Crockett! We could have told you how Davy Crockett’s Coonskin cap alone could have sex with more women than a 2008 Tiger Woods at a Club Promoter’s Convention.  We could have talked about how Coonskin cap gave Davy Crockett the power to use fucking alligators as jet skis.

Do you think this just fucking happens!?

Shit.  Anyway, no, we were not thinking about the Coonskin cap.  Dammit.  But, no, dig deep, really try to figure out what, as a hat, do you define as being…American?

OH SON OF A BITCH!  Goddamn it to hell!  FineYes.  A Cowboy hat is a fucking awesome America hat too.  Yes, it is a hat that basically reeks of sex-at-a-19th-century-brothel.  Yes, it is the hat best designed to cover a man’s junk.  Yes, it is a hat so associated with gunfights that even new cowboy hats reek of gunpowder and fear.  Yes, cowboy hats are so damn manly that if you have sex while wearing one, it’s technically considered a Devil’s Three-Way, no matter who’s wearing it.  Fine.  Fine.  Goddamn it.

Okay, one more time, what is the most American hat you can think of?

JUST FUCKING STOP OKAY!?  We’re talking about fucking baseball caps, alright?  THOSE are pretty damn American too, you assholes.  BASEBALL CAPS.  And besides, that last one is cheating because you can totally find a baseball cap that looks like an American flag.  So yeah, eat it.  You guys suck.

Anyway, before we fire our research guru who managed to totally ignore the above examples when we asked him, “What’s the most American hat you can think of?” let’s at least discuss the actually-pretty-fucking-American background of the baseball cap, or as it used to be known, the “Brooklyn Style” cap, which was invented here in America in 1860.  And for you Coonskin cap and Cowboy hat lobbyists, technically Coonskin caps were first created by Native Americans, and the style for a Cowboy hat first was invented by Mongolians.  So there.

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Gary Mays, One Armed American Hero

“Arms are for pussies.”

~Gary Mays

A lot can be established about how great of an American you are by the nickname you’re able to earn.  Andrew Jackson was called “Old Hickory” because he beat the shit out of people with a hickory cane.  Hawkeye on M*A*S*H got his nickname due to a book that, though we’ve not read because, come on, we assume has to be about killing Indians since it’s called “The Last of the Mohicans.”  Lou Gehrig was called “The Iron Horse” because that’s just fucking awesome.

We here at AFFotD try, with limited success, to fashion appropriately badass American nicknames.  One of our staff writers just goes by “Hood” because he wears a hood over his head every day, which is sort of annoying, but the name stuck at least.  One of our accountants tried to get people to call him Fucksaw, but that never caught on.  Kiefer Sutherland only goes by the nickname “Jack fucking Bauer” and we wouldn’t have it any other way.

And when it comes to nicknames, and Americans, few top that of Gary “Bandit” Mays, a man who managed to get the awesome nickname normally only reserved for Burt Reynolds without having ever played professional sports.  Of course, this two sport athlete, who went toe-to-toe with Elgin Baylor, was a top prep star catcher who was a finalist for finalist for Washington D.C.’s best baseball prep star of the year, was unable to find luck in the big leagues, due to the prejudices of the world in the 1950’s.  As a black man, he was subjugated and unable to show his potential to the world.

He also had only one fucking arm, but trust us when we say that racial prejudice was the only thing that held him back.

Stub!

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[REDACTED] Tries to Write About Cricket

“What do you mean I’m not ‘allowed’ to quit!?”

~[REDACTED]

Two weeks ago, we took an investigative reporter, whose name we had to redact for obvious reasons, and let him loose in a Vegan restaurant.  Last week, we felt like we had to make it up to him, so we gave him a night full of whiskey and boots.  Of course, we also tricked him into signing a contract making him our permanent fixture as an investigative journalist.  Oh, and he can’t sue us, no matter what stresses we put him through.  So we figured we’d do the American thing…and abuse our new found freedom.  Enjoy writing a review of a game of Cricket, [REDACTED], you jackass.

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Babe Ruth Drinks and Smokes His Way Into the Record Books

“It’s simple kids, if you drink and smoke and eat and screw as much as me?  Well, kiddos, someday you’ll be just as good at sports!”

~Babe Ruth


There’s something about baseball that resonates with America.  Maybe it’s memories of sitting at the ballpark, drinking a beer while scarfing down eight hot dogs after forging a sick note for your third grade teacher.  Maybe it’s memories of suspenseful chess matches between evenly matched teams, the thrill of finding your team in the bottom of the 9th inning with two outs and the bases loaded.  Maybe it’s your appreciation for the nuances of the “balk” rule.  It isn’t that last one.

But more importantly, the players that the sport grew up around were America incarnate.  Baseball was a sport where a you could take a man with the name “Mordecai,” chop off two of his fingers, and have him pitch for the Chicago Cubs, and not only would he thrive, he would win two world series and be a hall of famer despite looking like he should work behind the counter at a convenience store in the south.

This is the face of a man who has struck out 1,375 professional sports players.

But really, many of baseball’s greats helped express what was truly American about us.  Ted Williams was a patriotic war veteran whose interests included batting .400 and having his head cryogenically frozen.  Like America.  Rumor has it that Joe DiMaggio married the hottest woman in the world at the time primarily so he could say that he was “Dick cousins” with JFK.  Like every American would.  Ty Cobb was a horrible racist who once beat up a cripple.  Uh, forget that we mentioned that last one.

But what ballplayer was more patriotic than both a deformed Indiana pitcher and a Georgian bigot combined?  How about an overeating, alcoholic fat man with a sex problem and a tobacco addiction.  No, we’re not talking about the gay love child of Uncle Sam and George Washington, we are of course talking about…

Babe “you’re next, sweetheart” Ruth.

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