“Oh my god, those bastards! They suck!”
~Everyone reading today’s fun fact
As the enterprising members of the America Fun Fact of the Day staff spend the next few weeks working on additional American projects, like a ray gun that turns celery into donuts, or a gender-neutral sex machine that plays James Brown’s “Sex Machine” during copulation, you may have noticed a drop off in production lately. And it’s understandable that you are upset, you all pay a very high price to be the first daily receivers of the America Fun Fact of the Day. We have all your credit cards on file, as you no doubt have noticed the surprisingly expensive charges to “Xing Xia’s Massage” that have been popping up on your credit card bills. How does one massage cost 500 bucks? It’s all part of the creative process, you wouldn’t understand.
So, as a huge “fuck you” to you, the loyal readers…today’s Fun Fact will be a fucking clip show. That’s right, just a clipboard of the greatest America Fun Fact of the Day moments of the past few months.
You see, clip shows are the most American form of entertainment. It’s backhanded, which is the best way Americans like to deal with things (can I get a “How?” from my Indian brothers and sisters out there? Ha, see what I did there?), and it’s incredible lazy, which is, all together now, American. As with any clip show, we’ll add some thematic additions to each bit, but really, the writers just crapped this out in like 10 minutes, because what the hell.
AFFotD on William “Billy” Shakespeare
We all know the works of Shakespeare, his words as timeless as his titles instantly recognizable. And because no one goes to plays anymore because, come on, plays? Seriously? Seriously? (The previous statement does not apply for plays with male or female nudity, such as Hair or Equus: We’re Going to Avoid Making a Harry Potter’s Wand Joke Here Oh Shit, Nevermind) many of Shakespeare’s plays have been turned into some of our most beloved movies that make us feel smarter than other people. There’s Hamlet, Othello, King Leer, 10 Things I Hate About You, Gone in 60 Seconds, all are masterful adaptations of the bard’s work.
This was the first truly official AFFotD to be sent out to the greater internets sphere. Eventually, the ancestors of Shakespeare tried to sue the living shit out of us, which really surprised us. Not so much that he still had direct ancestors living today, which is pretty surprising, but mainly the fact that, and AFFotD says this with no judgment or malice, but we sort of assumed Shakespeare was gay. Apparently that jock who sat in the back of the room in high school English class was wrong about that. Our bad.
AFFotD on Baseball
There may be readers who do not follow this American pastime. Or some who have wildly inaccurate notions about the sport, it’s history, and it’s place in the hearts of all Americans. So that’s why, with banners waving in the cool breeze, today’s America Fun Fact of the Day is about Baseball, the fourth most American thing in existence (behind apple pies, golden retriever puppies, and ecstasy).
As a later AFFotD later proved, Apple Pies are British in nature, and have nothing on the awesome Americanness that is the Key Lime Pies. We totally dropped the ball on that one, no pun intended. Though we were totally right about ecstasy.\
AFFotD on Ulysses “S. Stands For Stark Naked” Grant
Ulysses S. Grant was born in 1822 in Point Pleasant, Ohio. He exited the womb with a full, luscious beard, chugged a glass of scotch, and karate kicked the midwife who delivered him through the wall of his parent’s modest house. When Grant was three months old, he grabbed his father’s gun, went outside, and shot an Indian man before casually going inside to tell his mom, “Yup. Just killed me an injun.” These were his first words.
While serving in the Mexican-American war, Grant was given the codename “Rambo II,” and had the official rank of “One Man Wrecking Crew.” He preferred to fight without guns, instead wandering the battlefield with a bottle of whisky in his hands, having long realized that alcohol gave him the strength of several dozen men. Often pants-less and incoherent on the battle field, American generals realized it was best to just clear out their own troops when bringing Grant into a battle, as he often did not distinguish uniforms when adding to his piles of the dead (The Mexican army would refer to Grant as “El Hombre De Los Montones De Los Muertos”). Grant was blessed with the particular gift of being immune to bullets while inebriated, and he once beat an elephant in a drinking game.
Actually nothing bad came from this article. The Grant family was pretty flattered, since they live with a colony of nudists.
AFFotD on Teddy Roosevelt
Teddy Roosevelt was the first American to ever “shotgun” a beer. This feat occurred during the charging of Kettle Hill in 1898, when Roosevelt grew thirsty from killing so many damned Cubans. Taking his canteen of beer (Theodore Roosevelt never in his life drank water or milk, having been weaned on a bottle of whisky as an infant), Roosevelt threw it in the air, fired a shotgun at it, and immediately chugged the beer that sprang from the bullet holes. Screaming, “Holy shit, that was awesome,” an excited and slightly buzzed Teddy Roosevelt burned down most of Southern Cuba in celebration, ending the war and inspiring college students everywhere.
This was sort of a fluff piece to be honest. Our Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt, wrote that himself, because he wanted to brag about his great grandfather some more. We get it, Johnny, he was badass, we’re not going to post your top-10-Americans-Teddy-Roosevelt-Could-Beat-In-A-Fight list… though actually, that would be an awesome list… Dammit, Johnny, you got us hooked.
AFFotD on Smelly Crazy Homeless People
Many mainstream forms of Hoboing occur throughout the United States, with the most talented of the crazy hobos moving through the ranks to the big leagues, that is, a major U.S. Metropolis. That’s where Windshield-Wiper-Guy and I-Know-Where-You-Got-Them-Shoes-Guy is able to thrive. And there are champions like Shoe-Spray-Bottle-Guy, who begins a conversation with high school students before spraying windex onto their gym shoes, wiping it with a rag, and asking for twenty dollars. And of course, there are the lower level Hobos still looking for their shot, like, Steal-All-The-Free-Editions-Of-The-Onion-And-Try-To-Sell-Them-For-A-Dollar-Each-Guy, I-Have-A-Riddle-For-You-Guy, and Guy-With-A-Live-Snake-Around-His-Neck, who are looking for their craziness to be recognized with an official nickname. But only the greats get their own nicknames, only the determined, only those with the natural ability to busker like no one has buskered before.
The homeless person outside the office no longer asks us for money now, which is good. He just asks for meth, which we give him bags of, now that we hired Bryan Cranston from “Breaking Bad” as our official meth cooker.
So there you go, Fun Fact lovers. A full fact of the day consisting of only several dozen words of original content. Remember, it’s not because we at America Fun Fact of the Day don’t love you. It’s that we’re very, very apathetic. America!