Tag Archives: Baseball

The Silliest Major League Baseball Team Names of All Time

“Boring?  What are you talking about?  Baseball is exciting!”

~Baseball fan on his fourth beer

baseball from moose135

Photo from Moose135 Photography

Baseball is our national pastime in the same way that many of our “best friends” are people we were close with in elementary school who we only get to see every couple of years ever since they moved to the West Coast.  We still say it’s our most iconic sport, but if we’re being really honest with ourselves we’ve liked watching football better for some time now.  As society makes “sitting still for three hours for a game where everyone just stands still doing nothing for the vast majority of the time” an increasingly difficult source of entertainment to get excited about (though we do our best to make it worthwhile through alcohol and insane food) it’s important to remember that baseball hasn’t always been the dusty icon it is now.

It used to be much, much sillier.  Don’t believe us?  Just look at some of the teams that existed during the early years of Major League Baseball.  These are teams that people paid money to watch, and actively claimed to root for.  The 19th century and early 20th century were hilarious, basically.  So before you can even say “What is a Met, really?” let us present you with…

The Silliest Major League Baseball Team Names of All Time

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The Craziest Hot Dogs in Professional Baseball (Minor League Edition)

“You can’t get butts in the seat without a gimmick!”

~Bill Veeck

hot dog

As covered a few days ago, baseball and insane hot dogs go together like serial killers and women who send love letters to various prisons who have a lot of issues they need to work out.  We should tease out that comparison a little bit more, but we’re not going to.  Anyway, the point we think we’re trying to make is that, stadiums like to ply baseball fans with booze and food because while baseball can be boring, if you’re drunk and full, you won’t really mind.  This has led to a recent explosion in creative, intense, and, well, insane hot dogs throughout the baseball world.  And while we’ve talked about hot dogs in Major League Baseball stadiums already, that was really us going easy on the rest of you.  Because Minor League Baseball only sustains itself through the unfulfillable dreams of thousands of minimum wage athletes, and ridiculous ballpark gimmicks.  If you think of it, Minor League baseball has probably done it!  Smash a printer like in the movie Office Space!?  Sure!  Dress a dog as the bat boy?  Why not!  Live amputation on the field?  Jesus Christ, no, what the living hell is wrong with you!?

Anyway, if you thought that the last article we had about crazy hot dogs, well…no that was pretty crazy.  But check this shit out too!

The Craziest Hot Dogs in Professional Baseball (Minor League Edition)

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The Craziest Hot Dogs in Professional Baseball (Major League Edition)

“Take me out to the barf game, take me out to the puke!”

~Your obnoxious seven-year-old nephew who, you have to admit, probably has a bright parody career ahead of him

messy hot dog

America invented most of the world’s best sports.  Football?  That was us.  Basketball?  Sure, it was by a Canadian, but only because he was being paid by the Springfield, Massachusetts YMCA when he came up with it, because Canadian dollars were still printed on tree bark at the time, and we were responsible for all the changes that make it recognizable as a sport today.  Soccer?  Nice try, not a real sport, next question.

But of all the excuses for young men (and women!) to vent out the aggression of youth in a competitive and potentially humiliating environment that has been birthed within these borders, only one sport is iconic enough to be known as our national pastime.  No, not Mixed Martial Arts, that’s a terrible guess, are you high right now?  We’re talking about baseball of course.

You might view baseball as a relic of a simpler age, when men were men, owners were horrific bigots, and amphetamines were just, everywhere, all the time, which would explain why the sport struggles in some markets to maintain its relevancy.  It’s a slow-moving game trying to make its way in a fast-paced world, and say what you will about heart palpitations but taking the majority of the workforce off of Speed in the 80’s didn’t really do much for the pace of the game.  Major League Baseball teams try to combat the issues implicit with asking some 40,000 Americans to sit very still for three or four hours by making a day at the ball game a full entertainment and gastronomical experience.  This involves a gallons of watered down beer and, more recently, absurd, amazing American culinary disasterpieces for us to shove in our faces and slink into our chairs to ride out our food coma contently watching yet another 1-2-3 inning.

Sure, we could go on about crazy nachos served in miniature baseball hats, or giant cups of frozen sugar (okay, so maybe malt cups aren’t exactly a new development) but let’s be real here.  This is America’s sport, we’re going to need to talk about America’s food.  America’s best, most absurdly adaptable, most occasionally unnecessarily expensive food.  Let’s get to it.

The Craziest Hot Dogs in Professional Baseball (Major League Edition)

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America’s Best (And Worst) Cheer Squad Team Names

“I feel more connected to my team and engaged in this sporting event for reasons totally unrelated to arousal!”

~American Males Watching Cheerleaders at a Sporting Event

Nothing celebrates the flower of American womanhood quite like cheerleading.  We take athletic, energetic, scantily clad women, and have them hypnotize predominantly male audiences at sporting events into learning how to spell team names.  We also decided to create a bitter, occasionally violent, rivalry between them and girl volleyball players, because hey, cat fight.  It’s a beautiful tradition that our nation embraces wholeheartedly, and it’s what separates us from the goddamn Europeans. However, the names of most of these teams are so embarrassing that those of us with a weak stomach for poorly misplaced puns sometimes question if it’s even worth it.  That’s why we’re here, with the help of some outside research from an intrepid AFFotD supporter who felt that “the people HAVE to know” to run down the best and worst of the Cheer Squad names in America.  Well, it’s more like the so-so and the worst.  Okay most of them are just plain awful.  Let’s move on and post some pictures of women not wearing a lot of clothing to skyrocket the page views for this sucker then, shall we?

America’s Best (And Worst) Cheer Squad Team Names

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AFFotD’s Guide To Going To Baseball Games

“Take me out to the…oh God, I’m so drunk right now…”

~Harry Caray

 

Baseball is an American pastime that is surprisingly similar to our love of cool-whip based salads—other nations might not understand why we love it so much, but that just serves to remind us why we’re the best nation in the world and every other nation is a bunch of defense-budget-ignoring pansies.  Yes, baseball is a uniquely American sport that somehow still maintains its popularity despite taking three-to-four hours to play a game in an era where attention spans are so short they oh look spaghetti!

Still, Americans love baseball, and have followed it from its booze-and-coke filled beginnings, throughout its amphetamines-binging phase in the 70s and 80s, and all the way through its current steroids-and-oh-yeah-still-sometimescoke-incarnation.  And why the fascination with a sport where every player spends the majority of the game in a stationary position?  Well, it helps that going to a ballgame is the most American activity one can skip work for.

It is with that intrepid American spirit that we gather our resources (get drunk and watch a baseball game) to give you the appropriate guide with all you’d need to know about going to a baseball game.  Because summer will be over soon, and we don’t want to hear you bitching about how you wish you had gone outside more.

AFFotD’s Guide To Going To Baseball Games

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Wade Boggs Drinks ALL Your Beers

“It’s Miller Time, motherfuckers.  It’s ALWAYS Miller Time.”

~Wade Boggs


Baseball is America’s pastime in the same way that Bowling is a way of life for rural Midwestern towns.  The actual sport itself depends greatly on everyone else getting drunk.  If you ever had a professional baseball game that didn’t serve beer, Americans would start rioting faster than a bunch of British hooligans after their soccer team gets relegated.  As a result, baseball players themselves have to go out of their way to let you know how American they are.  In a league full of Neifi Perezes, the Babe Ruth-like figures are hard to come by.

Even today’s superstars leave something lacking.  Yes, Derek Jeter was sleeping with Buddy Garrity’s daughter, but wasn’t A-Rod seeing dinosaur-Madonna?  That’s a bad way to go.  Think about that.  The richest baseball player in the history of the game was, at one point, dating…  This.

“EEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

Fortunately, every once in a while, a true American is born, and instead of deciding to become a fighter pilot or mixologist, he chooses the path of baseball, and figures, if you’re going to do something well, might as well do something drunk.  That man may come along only once in a generation, and our generation’s American baseball hero happens to be Hall of Famer, and Miller Lite enthusiast, Wade Boggs.

Pictured here, during the physical act of lovemaking

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Aloysius Stanislaus Travers- America’s Worst Professional Player Of All Time

“No, guys, I’m trying to tell ya, I’m not very good at baseball.  No, stop laughing, that wasn’t a joke!”

~Reverand Aloysius Stanislaus Travers, 1912


Baseball is a paradoxical sport.  It has the fewest physical demands, the least physical risk, yet the most high-profile injuries and steroid abusers.  It’s suffered strike-shortened seasons, rampant cocaine use, and even Jose Conseco and lived to tell the tale.  But, much like medicine, most things in America during the early 20th century were ridiculous.  Baseball was no different.  1912 in baseball was full of only-decent-athletes, strange rules, and blatant bigotry.

Mainly the bigotry thing though.

That is how one of the biggest racist best baseball player of All-Time helped a future Reverend who couldn’t make it on an amateur baseball team start, and complete, a professional league game.  Oh, he got absolutely rocked, absolutely rocked, but it’s still a nice story in America being crazy enough you know better than to fuck with us.

The Forest Whitaker Eyes.

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Bill Veeck Loved Midgets

“Midget!  Midget midget midget!”

~Bill Veeck


If there’s one complaint people have about baseball, it would be that it’s too straight laced.  That is, if they have a complaint about baseball.  That’s usually because baseball players only show a lot of effort for short periods of time before resting a while.  It’s the only sport that has a bench that doesn’t require a bench, because honestly, when was the last time you saw a guy walk to the dugout and need to rest his legs?

Photo unrelated

But if there was one man out there that understood how to jazz up Baseball and take an American sport even more American by adding something crazy, it would be the great Bill Veeck, a man who saw a sport that could be stuffy and uninviting and decided to liven the hell out of it, likely saying, “We gotta do something to make this game more exciting.  You know, something like a midget baseball player.  Well, not a midget baseball player, but you get the idea, something like that.”

“Dammit, fine let’s just go with it.”

Yes, Bill Veeck was a unique brand of MLB baseball team owner.  While some owners might have their team involved in messy divorce court proceedings, Veeck (“as in Wreck” as his autobiography so astutely put it) would do absurd promotion stunts (his ugly divorces very rarely involved the teams he owned).  As the last Baseball owner who was not independently wealthy, Bill Veeck had everything a true American could ask for.  A man who built himself from the ground up, lost a limb in the war, and caused a mass riot when he wanted to destroy as many Disco albums as possible.  Veeck was a man too great for embellishment, though we once heard that he could life a car over his head with one hand while juggling midgets with the other.  But only 3 midgets.  Like we said, we’re not going to embellish any of this.

So here’s the tale of the man with one leg and a love of midgets.

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America Fun Fact of the Day July 31st- July 31st in American History

“End of July, end of the week, end of me caring.  Just post one of those day in history dealies.”

~Johnny Roosevelt

As July comes to a close, Americans are in the middle of Bar-B-Q season.  Meat is being seared by greenhouse gasses and it tickles us pink at the AFFotD offices.  So much so that we just use the term “tickles us pink” without a hint of irony.  And we hate that phrase as much as you do.  Trust us.

Sundays are for grilling.  Today is Sunday.  So we’re not going to waste our time writing about “things” so instead we’ll just write about American things that have happened today in history.  Because we are obsessed with the past, and are haunted by things we cannot change.  Those hollow eyes.  They once saw, now they are blind.

Wait, what?

Today’s Day in American History

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America Fun Fact of the Day 6/19- June 19th in American History

“Yeah, the…uh, God, what’s the word…day in history thing?”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

A band named after what we put in our coffee once stated, hot time, summer in the city.  While you may not be living in a city right now, you are part of the grant giant city known as…America.  That’s all we got, though.  Sure it seems kind of tenuous, but still, here is…

Today’s American Day in History (America Edition)

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