America Fun Fact of the Day Presents: Foreigners Who Cheated at Marathons

Posted on October 26, 2011 | Leave a comment

“I’m the best, man, I deed it.”

~Eli Porter


Believe it or not, despite the high fat, high alcohol diet our entire staff is mandated to adhere to, one of our writers ran a marathon back in 2006.  When we asked him to explain why he would subject himself to the excessive training required to run a distance that killed the first person who ever attempted to run it, he just shrugged and said, “I heard that they were giving out free beer to runners at the fifteen mile mark.  And they did.  So you know, free beer.”  When we pointed out that he had to pay a good amount of money just to run in the Marathon in the first place, he stopped listening and took a nap.

The thing with Marathons is that the main reason most of us run them is to just say we did.  Yet despite that, now runners are fitted with a special microchip that tracks their race (and disqualifies them if they try any shortcuts).  And part of the reason we have to do that is because of someone who wasn’t born in America.  But we’ll get to that later.

America has no problem with cheating, but we at least try to be decent about it.  Yes, it’s technically cheating if you take performance enhancing drugs, but seriously, if you’re on steroids, you still have to exercise six hours a day to become a professional level athlete.   Plus you’re ruining your bodies doing it, so you at least pay for what you’re doing when you cheat like that.  Plus, it’s not cheating if you don’t get caught, and American’s don’t like to get caught (high five Lance Armstrong!)

Which is why we’re proud to point out three high profile cases where people cheated in running a Marathon…by simply skipping to the finish line.  And why is this an American Fun Fact?  Because it proves that America is superior, since every instance listed is from a non-American.  Take that, rest of the world’s self-esteem.  We might never beat a Kenyan in a Marathon again, but we can at least take solace in the fact that we went about things more honestly than these three people.

America Fun Fact of the Day Presents:  Foreigners Who Cheated at Marathons

 

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AFFotD’s Age-Specific Guide to American Halloween Costumes

Posted on October 25, 2011 | 4 comments

“You’re either too old to be Trick-or-Treating, or too young to be dressed as Ashley Dupre.”

~I swear, kids are growing up so fast these days


Halloween is rapidly approaching, a time where women try to show off their figure before they stop going to the gym during the winter and men try to find costumes that are clever enough to allow them to have sex with those aforementioned women, all while children purposely suppress a lifetime of parental advice by going to dozens of stranger’s houses to ask for candy.

Yes, Halloween is a glorious occasion, especially for purveyors of alcohol, candy, and diabetes-related-limb-amputations.  Wiccans used to like it until it “sold out” by getting so commercial, but no one really cares about them, they’re like the hipsters of Pagans.  And while Halloween might be celebrated in other nations, it’s America that uses Halloween to its full potential.  But Halloween is more than simply a pumpkin stabbing occasion to dress sitcom characters in humorous costumes, it serves as America’s rite of passage from childhood into adulthood.

Think about it- your approach to Halloween is greatly determined by your age.  For some, it’s a reason to put on a costume and get some candy.  For others, it’s a reason to put on a costume and get some candy (the italics means that you were supposed to read that second “candy” in like, a super sexy voice.  Like “Imma get some caaaaandy.”  Maybe with a hip thrust or something.  Sexually).  And since AFFotD knows more about living in America than James fucking Brown, we’re here to present you with…

AFFotD’s Age-Specific Guide to American Halloween Costumes

 

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Ranch Dressing Goes on EVERYTHING

Posted on October 24, 2011 | 4 comments

“So, why am I eating this salad if I’m ‘technically can’ chug this stuff by itself?”

~That’s actually a really good question, Jimmy


You’re a typical American.  You weigh over 200 pounds, get winded when you go up a flight of stairs, and you’re probably sitting on a coach watching TV debating the physical attractiveness of the professional models that they hired for that Miller Lite commercial.  It’s entirely possible that you just dropped a can of beer and have spent the last five minutes straining yourself trying to reach down and grab it.  Don’t give up!  If you don’t drink that soon you won’t be able to crumble the can and hide it in the potted plant before your spouse gets home.  Yes this is a gender-neutral assessment of you, the typical American AFFotD reader.

“We’re flattered, AFFotD, now get to the point…dammit beer, GET IN MY HAND,” you might say at this point.

Fair enough, enterprising American.  One of the most paradoxical statistics in America is the sheer amount of lettuce and pre-packaged salads that are sold in this nation every year.  We’re talking four billion pounds of lettuce a year.  Using simple math, that means that each American individually, on average, eats somewhere between one ounce and four billion pounds of lettuce a year.  Four billion pounds of lettuce.  That’s four one billions.  And that’s terrible.

Thankfully, one of the most American inventions helps account for a vast majority of salad consumption in America, turning terrifying “wholesome” vegetables into something palpable and, hopefully, unhealthy.

Your friend reading this over your shoulder no doubt is shouting, “Oh, I know!  Salad dressing!  They’re talking about salad dressing!  I like putting a vinaigrette on my salads because it tastes good and it’s low calorie!”  Hey, you.  Yes you, the friend that just said that.  Go stand in the corner and hang your head in shame.  No, you’re on time out for the rest of this article.  Do you think we’re kidding?  We’ll wait.

Still waiting…

Okay good.  Anyway, obviously the answer is Ranch Dressing.  Right?  We mean…obviously.

Ranch Dressing:  A Delicious American Salad Treat

 

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America Fun Fact of the Day 10/23- October 23rd in American History

Posted on October 23, 2011 | Leave a comment

“You realize we’re watching the game, right?  Leave us alone.”

~AFFotD Staffers

You know, we haven’t mentioned part of the contributing factor to why we half-ass our Sunday entries with a rundown of things that happened before on this particular day in history.  That factor, of course, is football, which combines our love of gambling with our love of watching millionaires bash each other so hard they take years off their life expectancy.

Ahh, it’s a beautiful thing.  Now sit tight for…

Today’s Date in American History (America Version)

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America Fun Fact of the Day 10/23- Saturday Image of the Week

Posted on October 22, 2011 | Leave a comment

“How could we even try to improve on this?”

~AFFotD

Nothing to report here.  Just…a weirdly awesome but racist photo.

What do you see? What…do you see?

Ha….this is totally offensive…and it’s the best thing you’ll see all day.

Have a great weekend everybody.

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Four Loko on Guitars, Fallout Shelters, and Masonic Decals: [REDACTED] Goes on a Road Trip (Part 2 of 2)

Posted on October 21, 2011 | 1 comment

“Actually…this is kind of my speed.”

~[REDACTED]

It was just yesterday

Where you no doubt read

Of a Midwestern trip

Made by [REDACTED]

As he drove ‘cross the plains

He trembled with feer

He’d made it to Iowa

But had run out of beer.

And as he drove in his Mini

Wishing he was driving truck

He found himself in

The World’s Largest Truck Stop

So we’ll leave you know

To see what [REDACTED] saw

So we’ll finish the tale

Of how he got to…Omaha.

[REDACTED] Visits Omaha (Nebraska)  (Like the Cornhuskers) (It’s in the Midwest, Alright?)  (…Part 2)

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Four Loko on Guitars, Fallout Shelters, and Masonic Decals: [REDACTED] Goes on a Road Trip (Part 1 of 2)

Posted on October 20, 2011 | 2 comments

“…This…seems like it’s a trap.”

~[REDACTED]

Listen, intrepid readers,

To a story of woe and fears

Of our brave soul, [REDACTED]

Who has suffered all these years.

Once a journalist

Of an investigative nature,

He one day found himself…

In quite a Vegan nightmare.

And as the months went on,

He put up with lots of shit…

So AFFotD rewarded him

With a kindly road trip.

Too bad for [REDACTED]

We don’t want him having too much fun

So that’s why we made him

Drive all the way…to Omaha.

[REDACTED] Visits Omaha (Nebraska)  (Like the Cornhuskers) (It’s in the Midwest, Alright?)

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Marshmallows: American Magic Sugar Balls

Posted on October 19, 2011 | 5 comments

“If it weren’t for these fluffy fuckers, we’d be bankrupt within a week.”

~Cereal executives


What do you get when you combine gelatin, sugar, water and corn syrup?  No, not diabetes.  Well…

But no, the answer we are going for is one of the most American dessert/decoration/camping/breakfast/anything candied foods available.  That’s right, we’re talking about the ever Vegan-Unfriendly Marshmallow.  Marshmallows are a staple candy in American cuisine, seen everywhere from breakfast cereals to candy treats made out of breakfast cereals.  And before you can accuse us of overstating both the importance of Marshmallows, as well as their American-ness, consider their role in the creation of S’Mores.  Imagine the S’More- the classic American camping treat of two graham crackers and two pieces of chocolate held together with a melted, gooey Marshmallow, without that most key ingredient.  Without the shape-forming delicious Marshmallow, a S’More would just be two delicious but uncontained pieces of candy, chaffing against the rough texture of the graham cracker, unable to be held up in a comfortable, shapely way that helps ease future back problems.  On a totally unrelated point here’s a picture of Marshmallows being strung together to make a bra.

So without further glances at the above image (even our female readers are a little curious, right?  You’re thinking “that looks uncomfortable…but also kind of comfortable…”) let us go into the surprisingly rich history of…

Marshmallows:  American Magic Sugar Balls

 

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Onion Rings Are Fried American Goodness

Posted on October 18, 2011 | Leave a comment

“If it’s a vegetable, just cover it in dough and fry away the nature.”

~George Washington’s little-known cook book


In America, we like our food like we like our cars:  fast, greasy, and with scores of open containers of alcohol.  There’s a reason why you can’t think of a worthwhile American painter from the past 50 years but you can name a dozen fried food items you’ve ordered at a bar at one point in your life (French fries, jalapeno poppers, fried mushrooms, mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, nachos, fried shrimp, chicken wings, need we go on?)   Yes, fried foods are delicious and unhealthy and sometimes involve beer, and we’ve told you plenty about the absurd combination of fried food goodness that exists in this nation.  But every so often, it’s time for us to take a step back and praise something absurdly unhealthy, yet so common place that we almost forget how special it truly is.

What we’re trying to say is…dammit Onion Rings, we can’t seem to quit you.  Here.  Have a fun fact.  A delicious, greasy fun fact.

We’re a classy enterprise, so we don’t feel it prudent to point out that this looks like a penis.

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Apocalypse Watch 2012: THE PLAGUE IS BACK, BABY!

Posted on October 17, 2011 | 1 comment

“Hey, if I can survive the apocalypse…”

~John Cusack


AFFotD always looks forward with pragmatic optimism, by which we mean to say a large percentage of our staff is pretty convinced that the end of days are nigh.  While we weren’t left behind by the Rapture as we thought (or even hoped.  Who knows, something about ruling a lawless society with guns and audacity appeals to our inner-Libertarian) we remain pretty convinced that the whole 2012 Mayan apocalypse is going to melt us faster than that dude in Volcano.  And since we have both crackpots and alcohol as permanent fixtures in our offices, we feel it is our duty to keep our finger on the apocalyptic pulse of America.

That is why we are introducing to you, our newest AFFotD segment…

Apocalypse Watch 2012:  THE PLAGUE IS BACK, BABY!

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