“I’m the best, man, I deed it.”
Believe it or not, despite the high fat, high alcohol diet our entire staff is mandated to adhere to, one of our writers ran a marathon back in 2006. When we asked him to explain why he would subject himself to the excessive training required to run a distance that killed the first person who ever attempted to run it, he just shrugged and said, “I heard that they were giving out free beer to runners at the fifteen mile mark. And they did. So you know, free beer.” When we pointed out that he had to pay a good amount of money just to run in the Marathon in the first place, he stopped listening and took a nap.
The thing with Marathons is that the main reason most of us run them is to just say we did. Yet despite that, now runners are fitted with a special microchip that tracks their race (and disqualifies them if they try any shortcuts). And part of the reason we have to do that is because of someone who wasn’t born in America. But we’ll get to that later.
America has no problem with cheating, but we at least try to be decent about it. Yes, it’s technically cheating if you take performance enhancing drugs, but seriously, if you’re on steroids, you still have to exercise six hours a day to become a professional level athlete. Plus you’re ruining your bodies doing it, so you at least pay for what you’re doing when you cheat like that. Plus, it’s not cheating if you don’t get caught, and American’s don’t like to get caught (high five Lance Armstrong!)
Which is why we’re proud to point out three high profile cases where people cheated in running a Marathon…by simply skipping to the finish line. And why is this an American Fun Fact? Because it proves that America is superior, since every instance listed is from a non-American. Take that, rest of the world’s self-esteem. We might never beat a Kenyan in a Marathon again, but we can at least take solace in the fact that we went about things more honestly than these three people.
America Fun Fact of the Day Presents: Foreigners Who Cheated at Marathons