America Fun Fact of the Day 11/5- November 5th in American History

Posted on November 5, 2011 | 1 comment

“Huh.  Wonder how those OWS folks will treat today…”

~AFFotD Psychics

So today is Guy Fawkes day.  Did you know that shit happened 400 years ago?  Leave it to one long haired crazy British dude to make stuff cool when it was supposed to be irrelevant.  But yeah, you’d expect, a lot of revolution shit to go down at this point.  We guess it sort of did.  Sort of.  What we’re saying is we wouldn’t be surprised if shit goes down today.

(no actually it’s kind of freaky how many revolts have happened during…)

Anyway, we’re switching our “today in history” (Sunday) with our image of the week (Saturday) because of what is going on today.  So we present…

Today’s Date in American History (Revolution Edition)

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Timmy Roosevelt Talks Cereal

Posted on November 4, 2011 | Leave a comment

“How come you only ask me to write things after you’ve had too much yell juice?”

~Timmy Roosevelt

Every once and a while our “staff” gets a little “overwhelmed” and “hungover” to really give you, the American doting public, an appropriate Fun Fact.  And at least one of those times, we turned to Timmy Roosevelt, the 8-year old nephew of our Editor-and-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt.  So when Timmy was in our offices again as Johnny had to “go to jail and bail out Timmy’s dad for public intoxication again” we sort of figured, “well…we’re just hungover enough to try to have an 8-year old leave another post.”

So screw it, right?  Take it away, Timmy.

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Wherein AffotD Yet Again Must Combat the Ways of Fortune Magazine And their UnAmerican Methods of Thought

Posted on November 3, 2011 | 2 comments

“They’re back.  Trying to tell us what’s American.  I knew this day would someday come.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt


Early this year, we brought to your attention a terrifying article from Fortune magazine that literally made us angry with rage.  This “article” tried to inform us what they believed to be the 100 most “American” things out there.  Of course, this largely involved nature and saluting alcohol containers that don’t’ have alcohol in them, which made us spew such vile and vitriol towards this corporation that they’ve yet to recover (we can only assume).

So while we were going through our lengthy (lengthy) enemies list,  we found that Fortune had not only survived our horrendous literary assault (we literally said that they were not American enough to drink whiskey) but they had the audacity to try to submit another “100 great things in America” list.

We know what you’re thinking.  “Oh shit, it’s on.”  But before you let your righteous blood lust get the best of you… they actually did a much better job of it this time.  They sort of explained their lack of great historical figures (they’re not putting dead people in there, though somewhat ironically they put Steve Jobs in the top 20.  Hi-yo!) and they managed to put Pappy Van Winkle bourbon in the top 20.  In fact, most of this list is pretty damn spot on, especially the top 10 which has 9 very solidly American items listed.  It’s really refreshing to see someone see your critiques of their assessment of America and really work on correcting it.

That said, we’re a petty bunch, so we’re going to nitpick the shit out of this list, and just crush the 20% of list items that we disagree with.

AFFotD snark team, assemble!

“If you make fun of my spot on this list (#92) I will use my substantial power and animal-as-toilet-paper fetishes to destroy your feeble website”

Duly noted, Zuckerberg.

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Wade Boggs Drinks ALL Your Beers

Posted on November 2, 2011 | 1 comment

“It’s Miller Time, motherfuckers.  It’s ALWAYS Miller Time.”

~Wade Boggs


Baseball is America’s pastime in the same way that Bowling is a way of life for rural Midwestern towns.  The actual sport itself depends greatly on everyone else getting drunk.  If you ever had a professional baseball game that didn’t serve beer, Americans would start rioting faster than a bunch of British hooligans after their soccer team gets relegated.  As a result, baseball players themselves have to go out of their way to let you know how American they are.  In a league full of Neifi Perezes, the Babe Ruth-like figures are hard to come by.

Even today’s superstars leave something lacking.  Yes, Derek Jeter was sleeping with Buddy Garrity’s daughter, but wasn’t A-Rod seeing dinosaur-Madonna?  That’s a bad way to go.  Think about that.  The richest baseball player in the history of the game was, at one point, dating…  This.

“EEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

Fortunately, every once in a while, a true American is born, and instead of deciding to become a fighter pilot or mixologist, he chooses the path of baseball, and figures, if you’re going to do something well, might as well do something drunk.  That man may come along only once in a generation, and our generation’s American baseball hero happens to be Hall of Famer, and Miller Lite enthusiast, Wade Boggs.

Pictured here, during the physical act of lovemaking

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AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt Tries to Buy Domain Names

Posted on November 1, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Purchasing anythingwashington.com can help you become the market leader”

~Fast Moving Domains

There are occasions where people choose to contact AFFotD with compelling American like offers, as opposed to the typical amounts of hate mail.  We know, we’re surprised by it too, if we want to be perfectly honest.  Normally it’s angry Siberians who are pissed off that we wrote that their currency is worth less than McDonald’s napkins.  Or, just, you know.  Greeks.  Lots of Greeks, doesn’t matter what we say, it makes them mad.

Stop being so fiery, Greeks.  We know that’s sort of your thing, but cool it.

So when we got an email about a potential business opportunity, you know we felt like we had to jump on it.

What follows is the various exchanges between our Editor in Chief, Johnny Roosevelt, and Fast Moving Domains, who were attempting to sell us a domain name.  Enjoy.

“Stockphotosofhotchicksonthephone.com is still available for purchase”

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George Takei of AFFotD Discusses Halloween

Posted on October 31, 2011 | Leave a comment

“My only regret about The Nightmare Before Christmas is all the annoying Goth kids who took a shining to it.”

~Tim Burton


Ah, yes, Halloween creeps closer still, to the point that many of you are reading this in a spooky voice.  Perhaps George Takei?  You did not imagine George Takei as, indeed, the greatest choice to narrate a Halloween post until this very day.  Which is why today’s post, about the history of Halloween, will be written entirely by Mr. Takei, renowned thespian and owner of the best voice possessed by any homosexual male.

So now, here is…

George Takei of AFFotD Discusses Halloween  

 

 

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America Fun Fact of the Day 10/30- October 30th in American History

Posted on October 30, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Werewolf bar mitzvah, spooky and scary, boys becoming men, men becoming WOLVES.”

~Tracy Jordan

We’re just one day away from Halloween, which means that we’re recovering from the Friday/Saturday double team that is the weekend nearest to Halloween.

Which we guess we can use as our excuse to put less effort into our…

Today’s Date in American History (America Version)

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America Fun Fact of the Day 10/29- Saturday Image of the Week

Posted on October 29, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Dude, this doesn’t reflect us…”

~The South

Today’s image of the week was stolen by Neatorama, and it comes from a Target in the South.  Our Southern writers tell us that this is misleading, but…well…

Heh…heh…

Have a great weekend, everybody.

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AFFotD’s Adventure Into Freestyle Rap: “You can call me FDR ‘cause I cripple with my beats/ ain’t no type of polio can keep me off my feet”

Posted on October 28, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Trippin’ like your Sicily, know those bitches into me, ain’t no Marxist giving tree, y’all just call me Mussolini.”

~AFFotD’s History/White Freestyle Rapping expert


AFFotD enjoys drinking, and happens to employ a certain percentage of pigmentationally-challenged individuals.  These Caucasians, or “Honkies” as they prefer to be called, also enjoy drinking, as a borderline alcohol dependency issue is required for your resume to get past our spam filters.  And the sad truth of the matter is, when white people drink, they are ten times more likely to break into God-awful freestyle raps than any other race or ethnicity (except the Japanese).

We’re going to just rip the band-aid right off and tell you that the majority of today’s Fun Fact will be one of our White staff members writing freestyle rap.  We apologize in advance.

You see, the other day we drank, a lot.  Because as the saying goes, “Thursdays are the new Fridays, and we’ve been drinking so much the days are impossible to distinguish anymore.”  And any medical professional would know that the biggest danger you face when consuming large quantities of alcohol is liver damage impaired decision making flash freestyle battles.  And the prize for our winner (who happened to be one of our main history researchers for the site) was that he got to do a freestyle AFFotD.  It’s probably going to be awful.

Oh God, it’s gonna be awful, isn’t it?

AFFotD’s Adventure Into Freestyle Rap:  “You can call me FDR ‘cause I cripple with my beats/ ain’t no type of polio can keep me off my feet”

 

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The Informative American’s Back-To-School Special (Originally Published August, 1953)

Posted on October 27, 2011 | 2 comments

“What good’s algebra going to do for you when the Ruskies have turned your family into charcoal, huh?”

~1950’s Elementary School Principal


For most of our staffers, school was a lot like drinking Southern Comfort.  We could take it or leave it, but we weren’t going to actively search for it.  Also, High School was the last time any of us last drank SoCo.  But from what we can remember from in between puking on our principles, the American education system involves, uh, learning and grades.  Oh, and centering a curriculum primarily on achieving good test scores for government funding instead of focusing on a curriculum that actually furthers the student’s education.  But whatever our system is now, it works for white kids most of the time.  It’s relatively normal and pretty recognizable.

You can probably guess where we’re going with this.  That’s right, it’s time for another issue of everyone’s favorite blast-from-the-past as we at AFFotD dig into our 1950’s stacks of The Informative American to see how Elementary Schools worked back in 1953.  Apparently the answer was “surprisingly badass, with apologies to the ladies.”  Oh, 1953, you so misogynistic!

The Informative American’s Back-To-School Special (Originally Published August, 1953)

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