The Informative American’s Back-To-School Special (Originally Published August, 1953)

“What good’s algebra going to do for you when the Ruskies have turned your family into charcoal, huh?”

~1950’s Elementary School Principal

For most of our staffers, school was a lot like drinking Southern Comfort.  We could take it or leave it, but we weren’t going to actively search for it.  Also, High School was the last time any of us last drank SoCo.  But from what we can remember from in between puking on our principles, the American education system involves, uh, learning and grades.  Oh, and centering a curriculum primarily on achieving good test scores for government funding instead of focusing on a curriculum that actually furthers the student’s education.  But whatever our system is now, it works for white kids most of the time.  It’s relatively normal and pretty recognizable.

You can probably guess where we’re going with this.  That’s right, it’s time for another issue of everyone’s favorite blast-from-the-past as we at AFFotD dig into our 1950’s stacks of The Informative American to see how Elementary Schools worked back in 1953.  Apparently the answer was “surprisingly badass, with apologies to the ladies.”  Oh, 1953, you so misogynistic!

The Informative American’s Back-To-School Special (Originally Published August, 1953)

Happy end-of-Summer, proud American parents.  Now that you’ve finished yet round of barbeque get-togethers, had the kids come back from camp, and “stayed late” at work for a few “extramarital affairs” it’s school season once again.  And as you prepare to tell your house keeper the proper way to make sandwiches for each of your physical reminders of the last time you were intimate with your wife, we here at The Informative American are here to let you know what your child needs for school, and what they can expect.

And remember, if your son doesn’t end up on the football team, he probably will turn into a homosexual.

“Daddy was a Quarterback, so it’s very important for you to realize that Daddy will never love you unless you become Quarterback too.”

Elementary School is a place for winners to be winners, and loser to give their lunch money to winners.  And obviously your son is a winner, no matter how many times your wife tells you something about “Jimmy got beat up by some bullies at school” or “Jesus Christ, stop telling him to confront them, they’re very big and you know that our Jimmy is very fragile” or “Look what you’ve done now you selfish bastard, those punks at the school put our Jimmy in a coma, why couldn’t you just tell him to leave those boys alone” which you obviously will drown out because, like a true American, you’ve conditioned yourself to go temporarily deaf whenever you hear a woman weep.

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.  We’re here to let you know what supplies your children need for school, and what they should expect to learn.

SCHOOL SUPPLIES

Back in your day, you went to school with a pencil, a pad of paper, and a red mark on your face from where you father disciplined you for going to class instead of helping in the fields.  Now, people need a lot of things to help coddle them in the “learning” process.  So don’t forget to give your child…

1.       A Fucking Haircut

A good haircut is a short haircut.  Short and neat- the longer your son’s hair is, the higher the likelihood that they will  express themselves through Communism, drugs, and probably kissing black men.  Consider yourself warned!  It’s possible that due to inaction and the fact that you honestly don’t pay attention to your son when you’re home from work because you’re drunk already, your son’s could be in excess of three inches long.  That’s almost long enough for Soviet transmissions to sneak through.  Not on our watch, America!

2.       Books?  Maybe?

Or…or do…do the schools give them that?  Or libraries or something?  We don’t know we’d have to ask our wives.

3.       Brass Knuckles

Because we want you to familiarize yourself with this phrase.  “I didn’t raise a fucking sissy.”  Got it?  Good.  Now give your damn son the brass knuckles and repeat that to yourself over and over again as soon as he tells you he wants to try out for the school play.

And…that’s it as far as supplies we can think of.  “But The Informative American, what will these teachers who are no doubt spinsters tell our children about the ways of the world?”  Well, it’s a good thing you asked, because that brings us to our second point of order.

SCHOOL TOPICS

1.       Algebra?

Like, they’d teach math or something?  To the kids?

2.       Science?

Probably, right?  Science sounds like something you learn in school?

3.       Sex stuff? 

Yeah.  Sex stuff.

4.       Bullying and violence

This is really the only thing worthwhile your son will learn in school.  They will learn how to be brutal and violent, and how to take what’s theirs through sheer force.  They will shoot a puppet in the head and not once stop and think “shit there’s probably a hand in there.”  They will come out of school hardened, ready to take the world by its haunches and have his way with it.  Your boy will be a man, goddamn it, no matter how much he wanted to play with dolls during those formative years you don’t want to talk about.  He will be a man.

Disregard all of this if you have a daughter, as they’ll learn how to cook and sew and that’s all that matters.