AFFotD’s Adventure Into Freestyle Rap: “You can call me FDR ‘cause I cripple with my beats/ ain’t no type of polio can keep me off my feet”

“Trippin’ like your Sicily, know those bitches into me, ain’t no Marxist giving tree, y’all just call me Mussolini.”

~AFFotD’s History/White Freestyle Rapping expert

AFFotD enjoys drinking, and happens to employ a certain percentage of pigmentationally-challenged individuals.  These Caucasians, or “Honkies” as they prefer to be called, also enjoy drinking, as a borderline alcohol dependency issue is required for your resume to get past our spam filters.  And the sad truth of the matter is, when white people drink, they are ten times more likely to break into God-awful freestyle raps than any other race or ethnicity (except the Japanese).

We’re going to just rip the band-aid right off and tell you that the majority of today’s Fun Fact will be one of our White staff members writing freestyle rap.  We apologize in advance.

You see, the other day we drank, a lot.  Because as the saying goes, “Thursdays are the new Fridays, and we’ve been drinking so much the days are impossible to distinguish anymore.”  And any medical professional would know that the biggest danger you face when consuming large quantities of alcohol is liver damage impaired decision making flash freestyle battles.  And the prize for our winner (who happened to be one of our main history researchers for the site) was that he got to do a freestyle AFFotD.  It’s probably going to be awful.

Oh God, it’s gonna be awful, isn’t it?

AFFotD’s Adventure Into Freestyle Rap:  “You can call me FDR ‘cause I cripple with my beats/ ain’t no type of polio can keep me off my feet”

 

Wow, this is pretty exciting.  I’ve never gotten to write one of these before.  Uh, first of all, I’d like to thank the rest of the staff for their gracious introduction.  Secondly, I’d like to say suck it, you know I got beats.

But I digress.  I am sort of one of the history buffs of AFFotD here so I’d be remiss if I didn’t talk briefly about the history of freestyle rap before I uh, do this thing.  Admittedly, the information on the history of freestyle is not the most reliable, as people often hijack Wikipedia to make claims about Tavi Villa instead of actually going into the origin of freestyle.

No, that wasn’t some hypothetical example.

 Freestyle is considered as being “like a jazz solo” and dates back to the ancient tradition of “Flyting” which was to come  up with verse insults in an exchange.  The original use of freestyle in Old School hip hop was pre-written rap samples to show your skill, whereas now it’s mainly used for off the cuff rapping.

So you know.

Uh.

Wow it’s really hard to do this when you’re sober(ish).  Unless they got Suge Knight to glare at me menacingly while puffing on a cigar, I might not even have the proper motiva…

Awwww shit.

White people drinkin’ to make that rap

Got more bombs in my arsenal than accused Iraq

Got enough flow to make this shit right pleasant

I got better beets than a fuckin’ Russian peasant.

Ohhhh!

(see that joke works ‘cause Russians be poor/ their chief exports are vodka and whores/ but it’s not as bad as you think/ they’re still the third largest supplier of sugar beets)

I’m like John Wilkes Booth with a broken leg

Jumped off the balcony but still got good aim

I’ll cap statesmen even if they be mutants

Markin’ that rapture so we can start that lootin’

(See that one works ‘cause it’s historical and shit/ referencing our articles to sound more legit)

Alright readers, I’m just gettin’ this shit started

Fuck nature, I wanna start forest fires

Haters try to faze me, I say they can’t

It’s still a fucking freestyle if your rhyme is slant

Now hold up, one two three

Everyone better take a drink

Now slow down, three four

Pour yourself a dozen more

(This is the part where y’all should be drinking/ like Hillary C. get those shot glasses clinking/ I’m serious I’m not being cute/ pour yourself some shots and pour them down the chute)

Watch out for Chernobyl, here comes Ukrainians
Actin’ all U.S.S.Here.Comes.The.Same.Shit.Again

Cold Wars be ending when we apply the heat

Commies gotta learn to be gracious in defeat

Winners write history books, and we do it chuggin’ whiskey

So when the ladies give a read they start feelin’ frisky

And winners write history books, and we do it chuggin’ whiskey

And…wait, shit I think I already said that…

(I’m not gonna lie I’ve been drinkin’ this whole time/ chugging rum, vodka, whiskey, and a little turpentine/ that last addition didn’t feel good going down/ no seriously, someone, please call poison control now)

That liquor’s hitting poorly, think I’m running out of steam

So it’s time for me to end this freestyle thing

Next time stick with that purple drank

‘cause Turpentine and anti-freeze makes it tougher to think

To be really honest I’m in a lot of pain

Someone tell the DJ to stop that music playing

This is going to close out my first AFFotD

OH GOD IT FEELS LIKE MY STOMACH IS ON FIRE SOMEONE PLEASE HELP MEEEE

RIP:  AFFotD Historian/rapper Steve Johnson- 1982-2011