Wherein AFFotD Declares a CULTURE WAR on the Great Nation of Japan

“CULTURE WARRRRRR!”

~American Consumers


If America and Japan were listed in a relationship on facebook (and if they were 15 years old) it would absolutely say “It’s Complicated.”  Japan not only attacked Pearl Harbor, they did so in a way to inspire Michael Bay to make a movie about it, while America got back at them by dropping two atomic bombs on them.  But despite the animosities of the past, Japan has always had a vested interest in Western Culture, and in many ways has tried to emulate and mimic the practices of European and American cultures.

Unfortunately, this is the origin of the phrase, “Goddamn it Japan, you’re doing it wrong!”  When the West started brutally Imperializing other countries, Japan took it to uncomfortable levels by trying to make the Korean language illegal.  When the West started making warplanes, Japan decided to turn them into suicidal fireballs.  When Japan noticed that the West has rounder eyes, they started mutilating themselves to look less Asian.

Thankfully, there’s always been a cultural gap between America and Japan.  While we spend our time trying to find ways to replace bread with fried chicken in sandwich preparation, Japan tries to make steak out of fecal matter.  While we invented the Internet, Japan invented roughly 60% of the creepier porn that goes on it.

However, we at AFFotD have just discovered that Japan might be gearing up for a cultural war with America by doing what America does best without adding tentacles.  It’s a terrifying time for all of us.  These are the stakes.

CULTURE WAR:  Burger King in Japan Tries To Out-America America

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Wendy’s Presents America Fun Fact of the Day 11/9- The NASCAR Bacakonator

“Yes, we want you to write about the baconator.  We’re tired of you using our money to talk about other people’s food.  No tricks.”

~Wendy’s Executives


You’ve no doubt noticed that every once and a while, when we’re particularly strapped for cash after having to pay one too many “destroying the nests of an endangered species of bird” fines, we turn to our “sponsor,” Wendy’s.  Normally we’ve found occasion to talk about crazy foods we’ve just discovered while feeling a little part of us die every time we are forced at gunpoint to write something like, “Wendy’s!  It’s food so good, you won’t believe it!  Just like none of you should believe the suicide note if we turn up in a ravine!”

The last few times we’ve written about food have not been particularly…well received by our, uh, handlers.  As in, we’ve had our Fun Facts hijacked a handful of times.  As in, we used to have a lot more pets around the office before the Wendy’s executives figured out how to get past our security system.  Pour one on the curb for Sparky.

That’s why, for today’s post, Wendy’s decided it was “too risky” to let us pick what to write about, so they just straight up told us, “Write about a Baconator.”

Bacakonator?” we mumbled while sipping on a glass of whiskey.

“Yeah, like we said, write about the Baconator.”

…We haven’t much time until they figure out what we’ve done.  Come with us if you want to hear about the bacon funnel cake.

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The Worst Reality Shows of America (#5-1)

“Even I wouldn’t degrade myself to do this midget show.”

~Kim Kardashian

As discussed in yesterday’s Fun Fact, American entertainment hinges around the laziness encouraged by the creation, and viewing, of reality TV shows.  And since praising thing is boring, we decided to focus on the negatives.  That’s why we’re here to finish off the last five entries in…

America’s 10 Worst Reality TV Shows (Part 2)

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The Worst Reality Shows of America (#10-6)

“Seriously, how else could you imagine someone whose name ends with three consonants becoming famous?”

~Jeff Probst


There are two things that America looks for in entertainment- we want to see people who are so horrible they make the viewer look like a good person in comparison, and we don’t want to strain their brains by having to “think.” That’s why it should go as no surprise that once America got over their weird (but brief) fixation with game shows in the late 1990s, they righted the ship by going the complete opposite intellectual direction by developing an obsession with Reality TV Shows.

And honestly, Reality TV is a blessing for American TV Producers.  You don’t have to pay “writers” and people will assume that what they’re watching is real and organic, and is in no way practically just as scripted as any sitcom or drama.

And while America spends its time giving Emmy’s to The Amazing Race, we here at AFFotD honestly don’t give a shit about “popular” and “successful” and “critically acclaimed” reality television programs.  We’re just here to poke fun at…

America’s 10 Worst Reality TV Shows


“A Shot at Love with- an alien bi-sexual.”

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America Fun Fact of the Day 11/6- Sunday(!?) Image of the Week

“Well done, Mark.  Well done.”

~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief

We often encourage our American readers to live American lives, and every once in a while, our readers help remind us why we do what we do.  The following image of the week was submitted by a reader, Mark, with the subsequent message.

AFFotD

Here is some artwork I made in Austria celebrating America. Thought youd enjoy it.
We do, Mark.  We do.  The fact that this was made in a foreign country makes it even better.  Have a great weekend, everyone.

America Fun Fact of the Day 11/5- November 5th in American History

“Huh.  Wonder how those OWS folks will treat today…”

~AFFotD Psychics

So today is Guy Fawkes day.  Did you know that shit happened 400 years ago?  Leave it to one long haired crazy British dude to make stuff cool when it was supposed to be irrelevant.  But yeah, you’d expect, a lot of revolution shit to go down at this point.  We guess it sort of did.  Sort of.  What we’re saying is we wouldn’t be surprised if shit goes down today.

(no actually it’s kind of freaky how many revolts have happened during…)

Anyway, we’re switching our “today in history” (Sunday) with our image of the week (Saturday) because of what is going on today.  So we present…

Today’s Date in American History (Revolution Edition)

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Timmy Roosevelt Talks Cereal

“How come you only ask me to write things after you’ve had too much yell juice?”

~Timmy Roosevelt

Every once and a while our “staff” gets a little “overwhelmed” and “hungover” to really give you, the American doting public, an appropriate Fun Fact.  And at least one of those times, we turned to Timmy Roosevelt, the 8-year old nephew of our Editor-and-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt.  So when Timmy was in our offices again as Johnny had to “go to jail and bail out Timmy’s dad for public intoxication again” we sort of figured, “well…we’re just hungover enough to try to have an 8-year old leave another post.”

So screw it, right?  Take it away, Timmy.

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Wherein AffotD Yet Again Must Combat the Ways of Fortune Magazine And their UnAmerican Methods of Thought

“They’re back.  Trying to tell us what’s American.  I knew this day would someday come.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt


Early this year, we brought to your attention a terrifying article from Fortune magazine that literally made us angry with rage.  This “article” tried to inform us what they believed to be the 100 most “American” things out there.  Of course, this largely involved nature and saluting alcohol containers that don’t’ have alcohol in them, which made us spew such vile and vitriol towards this corporation that they’ve yet to recover (we can only assume).

So while we were going through our lengthy (lengthy) enemies list,  we found that Fortune had not only survived our horrendous literary assault (we literally said that they were not American enough to drink whiskey) but they had the audacity to try to submit another100 great things in America” list.

We know what you’re thinking.  “Oh shit, it’s on.”  But before you let your righteous blood lust get the best of you… they actually did a much better job of it this time.  They sort of explained their lack of great historical figures (they’re not putting dead people in there, though somewhat ironically they put Steve Jobs in the top 20.  Hi-yo!) and they managed to put Pappy Van Winkle bourbon in the top 20.  In fact, most of this list is pretty damn spot on, especially the top 10 which has 9 very solidly American items listed.  It’s really refreshing to see someone see your critiques of their assessment of America and really work on correcting it.

That said, we’re a petty bunch, so we’re going to nitpick the shit out of this list, and just crush the 20% of list items that we disagree with.

AFFotD snark team, assemble!

“If you make fun of my spot on this list (#92) I will use my substantial power and animal-as-toilet-paper fetishes to destroy your feeble website”

Duly noted, Zuckerberg.

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Wade Boggs Drinks ALL Your Beers

“It’s Miller Time, motherfuckers.  It’s ALWAYS Miller Time.”

~Wade Boggs


Baseball is America’s pastime in the same way that Bowling is a way of life for rural Midwestern towns.  The actual sport itself depends greatly on everyone else getting drunk.  If you ever had a professional baseball game that didn’t serve beer, Americans would start rioting faster than a bunch of British hooligans after their soccer team gets relegated.  As a result, baseball players themselves have to go out of their way to let you know how American they are.  In a league full of Neifi Perezes, the Babe Ruth-like figures are hard to come by.

Even today’s superstars leave something lacking.  Yes, Derek Jeter was sleeping with Buddy Garrity’s daughter, but wasn’t A-Rod seeing dinosaur-Madonna?  That’s a bad way to go.  Think about that.  The richest baseball player in the history of the game was, at one point, dating…  This.

“EEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

Fortunately, every once in a while, a true American is born, and instead of deciding to become a fighter pilot or mixologist, he chooses the path of baseball, and figures, if you’re going to do something well, might as well do something drunk.  That man may come along only once in a generation, and our generation’s American baseball hero happens to be Hall of Famer, and Miller Lite enthusiast, Wade Boggs.

Pictured here, during the physical act of lovemaking

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AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt Tries to Buy Domain Names

“Purchasing anythingwashington.com can help you become the market leader”

~Fast Moving Domains

There are occasions where people choose to contact AFFotD with compelling American like offers, as opposed to the typical amounts of hate mail.  We know, we’re surprised by it too, if we want to be perfectly honest.  Normally it’s angry Siberians who are pissed off that we wrote that their currency is worth less than McDonald’s napkins.  Or, just, you know.  Greeks.  Lots of Greeks, doesn’t matter what we say, it makes them mad.

Stop being so fiery, Greeks.  We know that’s sort of your thing, but cool it.

So when we got an email about a potential business opportunity, you know we felt like we had to jump on it.

What follows is the various exchanges between our Editor in Chief, Johnny Roosevelt, and Fast Moving Domains, who were attempting to sell us a domain name.  Enjoy.

“Stockphotosofhotchicksonthephone.com is still available for purchase”

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