Category Archives: Miscellaneous America

Do you want to know about America’s craziest patents? How about our worst reality TV shows? Are you curious about competitive beard growing? Do you wonder what that weird boil looking thing on your back is? We can tell you about all of those things (except the last one) and much much more in our Miscellaneous America section.

The History of the Kentucky Meat Shower

Posted on March 29, 2012 | 13 comments

“Haha, holy shit, I did not mean to do that.”

~God

The world is filled with mysterious events that often defy explanation.  As much as we crave order and reason, there are still occurrences out there that we can only guess the causes of.  The Bermuda Triangle, the last flight of Amelia Earhart, Angelina Jolie’s marriage to Billy Bob Thorton, all of these are riddles that may never provide us with an answer.  Sometimes, these mysteries are mundane or eerie.  And sometimes, there are mysteries that are so American we have no choice but to embrace them.

Like, for example, an event involving meat raining down from the sky.  When something like that happens in America, you know we at AFFotD are ready to spring into action and inform the living hell out of you all.  Really, there’s no stopping us from teaching you about…

The History of the Kentucky Meat Shower

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Manly, Iowa Is a Gloriously Named American City

Posted on February 27, 2012 | 12 comments

“How is this city not the most well-known city in America?  Its name is GLORIOUS!”

~U.S. Census Bureau

America is a land filled with hundreds of thousands of cities and towns.  But just because naming a location is one of the easiest ways to establish yourself as badass, for every Climax, Michigan there’s 49 separate Greenvilles.  Seriously, if you don’t live in a state that ends with “awaii” you live in a state that has a Greenville.  Congratulations America, Greenville is about as unique in America as suburban summer festivals headlined by middle aged cover bands.

But when America finds a solid town name, they really go for it.  And while we’ve previously given you a glimpse into the state of Iowa through employee travels, we’ve yet to touch upon the best named city in the entire state.

Manly, Iowa.

That’s right, this little town of 1,342 is going to get the Fun Fact treatment, because fuck it, why not?

Manly, Iowa Is a Gloriously Named American City

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An Extended Examination Of More of America’s Strangest Patents

Posted on February 9, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Oh no…they’re back…”

~Former friends/associates/relatives of American patent holders

We’ve tried to warn you, time and time again, about the insanity you can discover when you delve into the murky world of American’s Patent Holders.  You might ask yourself, “AFFotD, why do you keep doing this to us?  Over and over again, you expose us to the horrific psyches of deranged men and women who create terrifying products, and for what reason?”  To that we can only ask, do you know why the Saw franchise has seven titles to its name?  Because you keep coming back asking for more!

And as much as we value your sanity, it appears we can’t stop until we’ve turned you all into the singular patent holder that haunts every nightmare a psychologist will ever have.  So let’s dive into the murky, murky muck.

An Extended Examination Of More of America’s Strangest Patents

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AFFotD’s Guide To American Super Bowl Parties

Posted on February 3, 2012 | 1 comment

“Goddamn it, no, we’re not putting the Puppy Bowl on the other television, stop asking.”

~American Super Bowl Party Hosts

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Over the years, the Super Bowl has gone from a half-assed sporting event where shit like “a team has to re-do their kickoff because the cameras missed it” happened to national event of such great importance that not even an appearance by the Black Eyed Peas can stop people from tuning in.  The Super Bowl is an American holiday, Monday hangovers be damned.

Yes, the Super Bowl is like New Year’s Eve’s older, cooler brother that smokes cloves out in the high school parking lot.  New Year’s Eve carries impossible expectations, expensive drink specials, and a surprising lack of giant men concussing each other.  The Super Bowl takes all the best parts of New Years (booze, shitload of parties), throws in a lot more unhealthy food (can we get a what what for 7-layered bean dip?), and centers it around a football game that is so brilliantly produced that even people who hate sports will come to your party to “watch commercials” (which is code word for “get drunk and get hit on by your roommate’s friends”).

Now, because this day is so important in setting the tone for the month of February, and the year as a whole, it is your personal duty as the American with the largest HD TV among your friends to host a viewing party so grand that it would cause a Frenchman to shame-spiral into watching Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette on repeat while sobbing into a bottle of anti-freeze.  And that’s where we are here to help, by presenting you with…

America Fun Fact of the Day’s Guide to American Super Bowl Parties

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Carhendge Is Up For Sale: AFFotD’s Pledge Drive

Posted on January 31, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Liquefy all our assets NOW!  Shit, shit, wait, no I don’t mean MELT them, I mean…forget it, I’ll do it myself.”

~AFFotD’s Accountants

If we’ve learned anything from those Chrysler commercials with Eminem, it’s that cars are, uh, important to America?  Something about Detroit?  Robed opera singers?  Anyway, the automobile industry helped America experience both one of its greatest financial booms (what up, Henry Ford) and the stubbornness of our automobile industry helped America experience one of its greatest financial recessions (what up, Henry Ford).

Yes, America loves cars, and many of our finest moments have centered on road trips through the vast empty areas of our fair nation.  And it was during one of our more recent road trips that we encountered a beautiful, if…confusing place in Nebraska called…Carhendge.

If you walk within 15 feet of this, the trunk of your car magically fills with Four Lokos.

And we assumed that would be the end of it- we’d take a few pictures, maybe upgrade our trailer to a double-wide, and leave with the satisfaction of knowing that we had seen a giant Stonehenge replica.  Anytime we got into an argument with someone saying, “That’s not proper grammar” or “Sir, you’re clearly drunk” followed by “Sir, if you do not leave the bouncy castle we will have to call the police” we can at least take smug satisfaction in the knowledge that at least we’ve been to Carhendge, and besides, what kind of asshole pays for a bouncy castle at a block party and doesn’t let their neighbors use it?

But everything’s changed now.  Carhendge is for sale.   For just $300,000 dollars we can buy Carhendge and then have our smile slowly fade as we realize that we don’t know how to move the damn thing.

We don’t have that much money just lying around, as evident by our desperate and ill-advised sponsorship deal with Wendy’s, but we do have you, the loyal readers.  So give us some fucking money, already.

FUCKING GIVE IT!

Carhendge Is Up For Sale:  AFFotD’s Pledge Drive

 

Oh God, there’s blood EVERYWHERE

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The Seven Stages of Grief (For an NFL Playoff Loss)

Posted on January 17, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Huh.  Guess that God thing only goes so far.”

~Timothy Richard Tebow

The beauty of American sports lies in the glory of victory, but mainly the agony of defeat.  Not De-Feet, Rex Ryan, but you are right, making foot fetish jokes about the Jets is another perk of being a sports fan.  But the fact of the matter is that, no matter what, by the end of a season there is a greater chance that your team will not end up being the champions, and if you’re a Cubs fan there’s an implied certainty that not only will your team not go all the way, but you’ll probably lose your house in a fire while a re-invented Carlos Zambrano pitches a perfect game for the Miami Marlins.

And while some teams fizzle midway through the year, and most teams never have a shot, some may argue that the most devastating heartbreak can come when a team gets so close to the ultimate prize just to see it ultimately fall through their trembling, bacon-grease-covered fingers.  And as America finds itself deep into the NFL Playoffs, more and more fan bases have to see that one ultimate defeat that’ll make their entire transcendent season utterly meaningless, unless you were able to ride Aaron Rodgers or Drew Brees to help you win your fantasy league.  Because at least that way those two QBs were able to win something this year.

So for the fans that spent all season bragging about the historic year of their franchise who are left standing with a gaping jaw wondering how they could have possibly given up 37 points to Eli Fucking Manning, we here at AFFotD are here to give you this handy guide.

The Seven Stages of Grief (For an NFL Playoff Loss)

 

He might not be playing in the Super Bowl, but he’s a shoe-in for that part in the Green Bay Community Theater production of “Newsies”

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Point/Counterpoint- Can American Men Do Yoga?

Posted on January 16, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Heh, downward dog.”

~Most American males

America is a country founded on the tombstones of our native population debate and discourse.  Discussion fuels change, or at the very least drunken yelling matches, and we support that.  Drunken yelling matches, that is.  Not change.  We fear change.

And of course, being stubborn, strong-willed American alcohol users, we have our fair share of office arguments.  Chunky versus creamy peanut butter?  Did the chicken come before the egg?  What’s more badass, a Bowie knife or just kidding nothing is more badass than a Bowie knife?

It is with that intrepid spirit that we delve into our Point/Counterpoint series.  This week’s topic might spark controversy, which is of course a Latin word for “cheap plow to get people to pay attention to you.”   It’s going to be a very heterosexual male centric view on a fairly popular “new age” type of exercise.  We are talking, of course, about Yoga.  Specifically, is it acceptably American for a straight American male to partake in it.  We’re excluding women for this discussion because no one has any issues with women doing yoga.  And we won’t delve into gay males because we honestly don’t know what a homosexual American male’s gym regimen is supposed to consist of, but whatever it is they’re doing it’s working.  Just ask any woman who feels self-conscious about her body after seeing an army of gay men in Lady Gaga Halloween costumes.

So that leaves us with two very opinionated members of our staff, who are here to present their views on if it is cool for a gentleman (colloquially referred to in polite circles as a “dude” or “brah”) to partake in yoga lessons.  So let us hear the sides sound off! Continue reading →

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AFFotD Presents: America’s Dumbest Political Parties (of America!)

Posted on January 6, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Ain’t no party like a Communist party ‘cause a Communist party don’t stop.”

~DJ “Krazy” Karl Marx

American Politics are a lot like a Tijuana Donkey Show.  People get strangely excited about it, but the end result always ends up being incredibly messy while filling everyone involved with a profound sense of shame.  No matter what political party you endorse,  more often than not it’s going to center around an aggressively idealistic narcissist surrounding him or herself with a murder of hyper-educated, over-qualified, over-worked younger workers.  It’s not a question of Republican and Democrat, politics on both sides show people practically killing themselves with grueling schedules and illegitimate children extended time away from their families to get into a game that doesn’t even pay that much more than the starting salary for an attorney.

But, no matter what, if you’re a member of one of the major political parties, you have both an established political legitimacy, as well as a reason to get into surprisingly hostile arguments with strangers that have any differing views.  That’s the nature of US Politics.

“Well I think that municipal elections for waste management officials should be held every THREE years, jackass!”

But hidden in all the partisan turmoil, a simple truth remains about American politics- this nation is filled with absolutely absurd political parties, most of them hidden under the blanket of obscurity and, again, just plain idiocy, because who in their right mind is going to want to join a political party that’s only platform is “vaccines are giving our kids Autism”?

Well, The Canary Party, evidently, which is just one of many miniscule Political entities you’re going to hear about today in…

AFFotD Presents:  America’s Dumbest Political Parties (of America!)

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Eastward Bound: A Road Trip Through America’s Heartland

Posted on January 3, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Mister, who are you?  Where’s our mommy?  We’re scared.”

~Oh shit, this isn’t our car

A while back, we showed you the Midwest of America through a drunken Road Trip filled with giant, oversized objects that were made by small towns for reasons that we can’t explain without having high concentrations of pesticides in our lungs.  So when we decided that we should focus on some other states in the nation, since apparently this nation’s pretty fucking huge.  So, we decided to start things off in Tennessee.  If you read that last sentence and thought, “Huh, I wonder where in Tennessee they would start off?” we guess we haven’t properly introduced ourselves.  Hello, we’re AFFotD, if you came here because you googled the phrase “How to Tie a bowtie” we have some bad news for you.  For the rest of you, we’re sure you’ve already shouted, “Knock it off with the fluff exposition, we know goddamn well you went to the Jack Daniels distillery.”

Of course we did.  Of course we did.  So how we woke up in Powell, Tennessee with a stolen car and a taste in our mouth that reminds us that it’s still legal to smoke in the bars down here, which is as good of a time as any to begin…

Eastward Bound:  A Road Trip Through America’s Heartland

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American Patent Holders (Who Are Absolutely Going To Kidnap You)

Posted on January 2, 2012 | Leave a comment

“*dials phone number, pauses, heavy breathing, hangs up*”

~U.S. Patent Holders

 

Spending 1500 words warning the American public about the insane and evil intentions of America’s craziest patent holders is a lot like warning you about that drifter you hit with your car a few months back- no matter how hard we try to caution you, it won’t do any good because LOOK OUT HE’S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!

So yes, we’ve time and time again warned you of the ultimate insanity behind a vast array of American patents.  A toilet seat you attach to the back of your car?  Yeah, that’s a thing.  A leash for your pet snake to wear?  Yup, patented.  An hour and a half piece of entertainment that acts as a vessel to steal your soul, dreams, and sense of humor?  Well, no one patented Jack and Jill, but you get the idea.

However, in today’s Patents segment, we’re planning on doing things a little bit differently.  We’re not going to just show you strange patents (though, seriously, look at that picture up there.  A dog scuba tank?  That’s fucking baller).  Instead, we are here as a public service announcement, since we will give you a list of…

American Patent Holders (Who Are Absolutely Going To Kidnap You)

Pictured above:  Science

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