Category Archives: America’s Best Foods

America does food better than any other nation (shut up, France) and here are the most American of our culinary obsessions.

Jelly Beans, America’s Substitute For Legumes

“I like sugar.  It reminds me of cocaine.  And I like cocaine.”

~Mr. Rogers

 

Annoying songs from the 60’s aside, we at America Fun Fact of the Day do enjoy sugar (sugar).  Though not so much the honey (honey).  Candy is delicious, gives you a brief sugar high, and can be turned into a stripper’s name simply by replacing the letter “y” with an “I”.  And one candy is a true American staple, created by the Civil War (seriously).  That’s right, over-eager Americans who already clicked that link, today’s Fun Fact is about the incredible, edible, delicious, nutritious, neat treat: the Jelly Bean.

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The American History of Coleslaw

“It’s always a touch decision between that, the Mac and Cheese, and the mashed potatoes, isn’t it?”

~Colonel Sanders


One of the most widely available and American acceptable “salads” also happens to be the most secretive.  Much like a Jeremy Piven character in a John Cusack Romantic Comedy, Coleslaw is always there but rarely thought about.

But this is a food that sits alongside American food champions like Hot Dogs, Hamburgers, and Fried Chicken, while managing to break past it’s “vegetable-based” roots and be fairly unhealthy for you when done right, and it’s Wikipedia page has less information than the entry on Paris Hilton’s products and endorsements.  It’s a damn shame, because any food drowned in mayonnaise deserves to be known.  That is why we here at AFFotD are making it our duty to present to you…

The American History of Coleslaw

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A Brief Look Into Competitive Eating

“I demand to see men force foods down their stomach at dizzying speeds.”

~Marlon Brando (you know, after he sorta started ballooning up)

America has a fascination with overeating.  Each day, we hear phrases that invoke our gastronomical upbringings, like “Put your money where your mouth is” “Stuff ‘em like a turkey” or “That sex was almost as good as eating a crate of pudding cups.  Almost.”

Yes, Americans love to eat.  Maybe it’s because our most fattening foods happen to be the cheapest and most delicious.  Maybe it’s because humans evolved with food scarcity, and fat storage was once a sign of survival, which became conflated as a sign of affluence in impoverished nations where obesity is considered an outward indicator of success.  Or maybe it’s shut the fuck up and eat, this is America dammit, SUEEEE-WEEEEEEE, SUEEEE-WEEEEEEEE.

So we at the America Fun Fact of the Day have grabbed our bibs, and our glasses of water for dunking, and are here to salute those proud Americans who make a living as Professional Competitive Eaters.

Haha, it says Shaggy Rodgers and Scooby Doo at the bottom.  Well done, internet vigilantes. 

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They’re Trying to Take Our Happy Meals!

“No toys in my Happy Meals?  Fine.  Then I’ll grow up to be a serial puppy murderer.  These are the stakes, mom and dad, THESE ARE THE STAKES.”

~Children in San Francisco

Every child growing up after 1979, and every parents of a child after 1979, has an appreciation for the McDonald’s toy-food combination known as The Happy Meal.  For the children, it’s the 10 cents worth of cheap plastic that they will be incredibly excited about until they get home and promptly put it in the microwave because “That bitch Ursula is gonna get what’s coming to her.”  And Happy Meals afford parents brief moments where they can finally eat one goddamn meal in peace without the child screaming like a banshee, you shouldn’t have done that kegstand while you were pregnant with him, honey. It combines two of the best American traits- rampant, imitable consumerism, and incredible obesity.  So you can advertise your latest aimed-at-kids blockbuster film, while helping them scarf down half their daily fat intake in one meal.  It’s great!  We love Happy Meals because it plumps up our kids, which, let’s be honest, makes them less energetic and a lot easier to deal with.

Plus, Americans become 8% funnier for every 10 pounds they gain.

So today, AFFotD is going to discuss the history of the Happy Meal, as well as the terrifying real assault if faces today by the politically minded Chinese sleeper agents in our ranks.

Watch your ass, Mike Adams.

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Potato Chips, America’s Snack

“America runs on trans-fats.”

~John Goodman

America hates having to stop eating between meals.  If we could have our way, we would spend all day scarfing down a pile of food with our hands tied behind our back like our life is one never ending pie eating contest.  But, unfortunately, an American life requires American duties.  Some of us have to work, some of us have to go to classes, and some of us have to devote a portion of the day to filming ourselves having aggressive sex with our enemy’s wife in an extremely destructive act of vengeance.  The days of fat men being pulled around in a rickshaw by manslaves as their ladyslaves hand feed them hunks of sausage went out of style at the same time as shoulder pads.

Sure, there have been attempts to limit the amount of time between our nation’s pure unadulterated gluttony.  Taco Bell created “Fourth Meal” to cater to the drunk and stoned Americans.  Brunch was brought into the equation as a way to determine which couples you don’t want to spend your Saturday nights around.  24 hour diners helped blur the lines between drunk breakfast and drunk dinner.  But, America has always had one weapon in its arsenal against healthy eating habits- snacks.  Snack time has been encouraged since our childhood, and with it we have invented portable, cheap food doused in all the calories and fats you could ever dream of.

And of the American snack, one snack in particular emerges as the undisputed king.  That of course would be the fried, unhealthy, invented in America snack- the potato chip.  Invented in America, the potato chip is small enough to be considered a snack, unhealthy enough to worry health food advocates, and delicious enough to be replicated in numerous countries to afford us all a chance to say, yet again, “Goddamn it, Japan, you’re doing it wrong!

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Key Lime Pies are American and DELICIOUS

“Nothing comes closer to satiating my ungodly bull bloodlust than a nice slice of Key Lime.  And lots of alcohol.”

~Ernest Hemingway

We all often hear things described as being “as American as Apple Pie.”  It’s a simple, lazy way to say something is typically American.  Early America Fun Fact of the Day staffers assumed that baseball is the most American thing next to ecstasy and apple pies until Jon Hamm, our mailroom worker and a relatively recent hire, decided to do a little research, and discovered that Apple Pie’s “American” nature is grossly exaggerated.

Apples did not even originate in the United States- they had to be brought over by the English, where apple pies had long been popular.  But the American colonists, showing the true American spirit, said, “fuck pies” and used the apples to make alcoholic cider instead.  While there is a town called “Pie Town” named after apple pies, it’s in New Mexico, which is just three letters and a space away from being Mexico.  So, we at the America Fun Fact of the Day had to smash up our Apple Pie cooking station from our offices, and ban ourselves from using the term “as American as Apple Pie” (this is entirely unrelated to the fact that every AFFotD can be summarized by saying “____ is as American as Apple Pie”).

But that left a void in our pastry loving, red-blooded hearts.  What could replace Apple Pie as our Pie Messiah?

There was only one possible answer, only one baked dessert loaded with sweet, sweet, cavity creating sugar, and invented right here in the U.S. of A.

The Key Lime Pie. Continue reading

Chewing Gum, Surprisingly American, Reliably Delicious

“Chewing gum is a lot like heroin, since both are incredibly enjoyable.”

~William S. Burroughs


 Chewing gum is an enigmatic American invention.  While it combines ancient history, American ingenuity, and tooth decay, it is not considered to be as awesomely American as alligator wrestling or cage matches (or any combination of the two).  But, in reality, chewing gum is an underappreciated yet surprisingly American commodity.

First, ask yourself a question.  Who makes chewing gum?  Wrigley’s of course.  And where do the Chicago Cubs, America’s most American loveable losers play?  Wrigley Field.

Did you know:  Those two are named after the same fucking guy.

Once you pick up the pieces of your exploded cranium, the America Fun Fact of the Day presents to you…

Chewing Gum:  More American than your immigrant grandparents

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