Tag Archives: pizza

The Five Worst Regional Pizzas In America

“Pizza is a lot like sex.  When it’s good, it’s really good.  When it’s bad?  It’s still pretty good.  And when it’s God awful, you find you can’t stop screaming, and it takes years for the nightmares to finally stop.”

~You

 grossa

Yesterday, we showed you the five best regional pizza styles in America, with a hidden agenda of angering New Yorkers.  Today, we’re looking at the dark underbelly of pizza.  Because, as great as America is at making pizza, not everyone can get it right.  Hell, Brazil makes and eats 1.4 million pizzas every day, but even with all that practice they still do shit like put chocolate on it.  So as great as pizza is, it’s not always a winner.  The best pizzas?  Are glorious.

These pizzas?  Are terrifying.

The Five Worst Regional Pizzas In America

gross american flag pizza

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The Five Best Regional Pizzas In America

“Goddamn it AFFotD, now I REALLY want pizza for dinner.”

~You

more pizza

We here at AFFotD have a hard time shutting up about pizza, probably because it’s delicious and incredible and if you don’t like pizza you’re a bad person and you should feel bad.  However, in our rush to point out things like “Pizza with toppings put in the crust” or “Goddamn it Japan you’re doing it wrong” we’ve overlooked one of the most important aspects of pizza’s culinary life—its European beginnings, and America’s impressive ability to adapt it for its own heart-clogging purposes.  Pizza as a dish originated in Naples, Italy, much more recently than you would assume—while variations of bread baked with cheese have been around since the ancient Greeks, and Italians were eating some combination of baked bread, cheese, and tomato called “pizza” since the 17th century, the “modern” pizza likely wasn’t invented until 1889, using red tomato, green basil, and white mozzarella so as to cover the pie in the three colors of the Italian flag.  It’s basically the same logic that America applied when inventing red, white, and blue jello shots.

Despite being such a famously “Italian” food staple, America wasn’t particularly far behind the curve in the pizza department.  The first American pizza establishment opened up in the Little Italy neighborhood of New York by 1905.  Once pizza reached our shores, we went to work on perfecting it, and we’ve since gone on to develop countless regional forms of the dish, some of them barely resembling the original Italian creation.  Usually that’s for the best.  Sometimes, not so much.

But we are a land of experimentation, and we’re here to embrace that quality, so join us for the first part of a two part pizza spectacular where we show you the best and worst of America’s regional pizzas, starting with the best because we know you’re hungry right now and we do so love to torture you.

The Five Best Regional Pizzas In America

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The History of Chicago-Style Pizza

“That’s not a pizza, it’s a damn casserole!  I feel strangely threatened when I see different versions of a food my city’s supposed to be known for!”

~New Yorkers

chicago style pizza

At its heart, pizza is just cheese, dough, and tomato sauce, topped with whatever additional ingredient you want.  Inherently, pizza exists to breed creativity and adaptivity.  In the hands of madmen and foreigners, this culinary freedom can be disastrous, but in the hands of true Americans, this can create an unhealthy, delicious American meal glorious enough to single-handedly keep additional-belt-hole-punchers in business.  One of the most glorious examples of this, of course, is the Chicago-style pizza.  Less of a pizza pie, and more of a pizza cake, Chicago’s deep dish pizza gives you as much fat, grease, and cheese as you’d expect to find from a city that’s primary gift to the realm of fine cooking involves hot dogs and roast beef dipped in its own juices.

So with a casual, “Get over it, yes, we get it, you guys are proud of your pizza, and you have good pizza places, but stop acting like you’ve done anything original to the style just because you use special tap water to make the crust” to our now-livid readers in New York, AFFotD is proud to present you with…

The History of Chicago-Style Pizza

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The World’s Most Expensive Pizzas

“Pizza pizza, go in my tummy, me so hungie, me so hungie.”

 ~The Worst

While America can’t lay claim to the invention of pizza, we certainly eat it better than anyone else.  Pizza has become an integral dietary requirement of drunks and stoners alike, and even if Pizza Hut gets a little weird with it overseas, it is a simple yet effective grease-delivery advice.  At its core, pizza is just bread, cheese, sauce, and whatever topping you want to choose in order to start arguments with the coworkers who are also stuck working late with you.

Of course, people say the same thing about hamburgers, and look what rich people have done to that.  That’s right, America, it’s time to take out your monocles, practice your best “Character from Monopoly” accent, and try to contain your natural inclinations to begin a class war, as we present you with…

The World’s Most Expensive Pizzas

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The Strangest Pizza Hut Menu Items In The World

“Pizza Hut:  Taste The Rainbow!”

~Okay, you got us, we’re not particularly knowledgeable about advertising slogans

Pizza chains are a staple of American society.  They give us the ability to not have to leave the house when the game is on and we’re “legally” too day-drunk to drive, they afford us a convenient, no-silverware way to jam as much sodium and grease-based calories into our systems as humanly possible, and most of all, well, pizza is just fucking delicious.  And while Papa Johns might earn our favor by using the Super Bowl as an excuse to give you free pizza, and Domino’s is doing its best to stop people from calling everything “artisanal,” Pizza Hut will always hold the crown as America’s leaders in cheese stuffed saucy goodness.

Yes, Pizza Hut has been stuffing our gullets since 1958, and ever since has innovated how we look at pizza, from the stuffed crust pizza to the stuffed TOPPING pizza.  As Pizza Hut has become bigger and more international, however, they have expanded their menus to accommodate non-American tastes.  While sometimes this involves pizza products that we wish they sold here in America, more often than not, these new international Pizza Hut dishes involve terrifying reminders of why every other nation except for America (and, we guess, some of those Europe countries) considers food preparation as a challenge to see who can offend God’s culinary sensibilities the most.  Hint, it’s probably going to end up being Japan.

It’s always Japan.

The Strangest Pizza Hut Menu Items In The World

 

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England’s Hot Dog Stuff Pizza: Would You Like a Side of Nitrates With That?

“What…no.  How?”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

Every so often our readers will alert us to something that deserves the attention of the average American.  This can be an article, a Wikipedia entry of some sort, or one time it was just a piece of parchment with the words “I love you Jodie” scribbled over and over in blood.  Seriously, John, get over it, she’s not even into dudes.

What we’re trying to say is, sometimes we’re given an article that says, in its headline, everything we would be able to say on the topic.  But does that stop us from going ahead and writing on that topic anyway?  No, of course not, this is America, to us redundancy is just a word that we don’t understand because it has more than three syllables in it (is it, like, a type of cheese?)

The article in question comes from Gizmodo, and states succinctly, “I can’t believe this hot dog stuffed crust pizza isn’t American.”  We can’t either, Gizmodo.  But now we need to know everything that we could possible know about…

England’s Hot Dog Stuff Pizza:  Would You Like a Side of Nitrates With That?

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AFFotD News Item of the Month: PIZZA IS A VEGETABLE!!!!!!

“Ketchup is a VEGETABLE.”

~Jeff Winger

“Eat your vegetables.”  As an American child, you no doubt had that phrase condescendingly said to you just moments before everything turned red and when you woke up the man in the police uniform was asking all those pointed questions about where the school’s nutrition councilor has gone.  If your parents ever tried to make you eat Brussels sprouts, you’re legally allowed to emancipate yourself.  The point we’re trying to make is that we as a country hate vegetables- there’s a reason why no self-respecting American would ever eat a salad unless the word “Taco” was involved somehow.

Yes, it should come as no surprise that we at AFFotD, who employ “fuck nature” as a mantra and constantly express our love of fried foods and liquor, are not particularly fond of vegetables.  And why should we be?  If you think about  it, vegetables are horrendously disgusting.  Vegetables come from the ground, which means that we’re eating something that basically spent a large portion of its existence living in dirt.  That’s gross.  Dirt is where worms fuck.  Would you want to eat something that grew out of Dennis Rodman’s sex swing?  We didn’t think so.

Our hatred of vegetables is deeply rooted.  We’d also like to think it’s deeply American.  And thankfully, some lawmakers agree with us on that front.  Why else would they attempt to classify pizza as a vegetable?

…Hold on a second…sorry…we… we promised we wouldn’t cry.  We’re just so happy.  So proud.  Here’s your fun fact.

AFFotD News Item of the Month:  PIZZA IS A VEGETABLE!!!!!!

 

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Pizza Bagels Are Delicious

“Mama mia, I’m an ethnic stereotype!”

~Chef Boyardee

http://frombagelstoburgers.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/pizza_bagel.jpg

(editor’s note:  Yup.  We’re still in the midst of a hostage situation.  Hopefully it will be out of the way by tomorrow . Until then, here is a previously scheduled AFFotd)

While AFFotD staff members have been known for their enjoyment of pizza for its unhealthy joy, but what we try to avoid mentioning is that Pizza actually originated in a foreign land with a foul and unpronounceable name (Italy), so that, despite managing to find a way to combine otherwise healthy items like cheese, bread, and tomatoes in such a way to make massive amounts of grease, it technically is not an “American” food.

But it is if you put it on a damn bagel.

Yes, America is known as a melting pot, which given the fact that the term is used as a metaphor for “people of different races, ethnicities, religious affiliations, and backgrounds” is actually pretty gross and conjures up an image of a bunch of melted together people, which some of our staff members who got nightmares from watching Raiders of the Lost Ark as children don’t particularly appreciate.

http://www.toplessrobot.com/toht%20face%20melting.jpg

“Bring us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe….AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

And being a Melting Pot…or, you know, “mix of people,” one thing we excel at is taking things we like from one culture and mixing it with something else to make it even fucking better, like the man who took rum and invented Coca-Cola to mix it with, or how we mixed a white European with a Mexican-American and made one Jessica Alba.  Which is why, in the early 20th Century, when Jewish and Italian populations in New York got together, the end result was a delicious, snackable, entirely unhealthy Pizza Bagel.

Which we are here today to salute.

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Ohhhh, yes

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Point/Counterpoint: Are Flavored Vodkas American?

“It’s delicious!  *slap*  It’s disgusting!  *slap*  IT’S DELICIOUS AND DISGUSTING *sobs*”

~Faye Dunaway

The Americanness of most items is usually pretty straightforward and easy to discern.  Shotguns?  American.  Environmentalists?  Not American.  Hot Dogs?  American.  Tofu?  What the fuck do you think you’re even doing here?  Really, when it comes to American qualities, the AFFotD staff usually can agree on what works, and what doesn’t.

“We will run you the hell out of this town, you hear?”

This isn’t always the case, however.  Every so often, a topic will come up that will lead to intense debate among our staffers.  Is the proper term “pop” or “soda”?  What is the better movie series, Die Hard or Rocky?  How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop?  All of these have been subject to virulent debate in the AFFotD offices.

We mention this because we ran across this article which described the creation of a brand of vodka that is flavored like cupcakes.  With that, two camps in the offices rapidly formed, one group who felt, “Holy shit that’s the best thing we’ve ever heard,” and another who believed, “You don’t fuck with liquor by adding weird flavors to it.  You just don’t.”

That is why we at AFFotD are pleased to bring you the first ever AFFotD American Point-Counterpoint, so each side can make an argument about the benefits, or evils, of flavored spirits.  We won’t name a winner, that’s for you, the reader, to decide.

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[REDACTED] Tries The Pizza Hut Stuffed Topping Pizza

“Alright, he deserves a break.  Let him try that ridiculous, gloriously American pizza.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

A few weeks ago, we informed you of the most beautiful pizza ever concocted- the Pizza Hut Toppings Stuffed Pizza.  This glorious conspiracy against your arteries has been unleashed onto America for a limited time only, so we had to get our staff to do a review on it.  Unfortunately, most of our staff members only have collegiate degrees in cursing, and our food critic, John Goodman, is on a two week vacation to celebrate his Oscar we stole for him.  So we had only one place to turn.  We had to turn to the monster we had created, a man hellbent on revenge for the things we had put him through.

photo unrelated

That’s right.  We had to turn…to [REDACTED].  For those of you unfamiliar with his tale of woe, [REDACTED] is a staff member and investigative journalist whose name has been stricken from all of our documents to protect him from the fact that we once made him eat at a Vegan restaurant.  After a series of tricks and cruel assignments, he finally snapped and escaped from our supervision, spending a strange week drinking and ghost-walking piers in Chicago.

He’s been in isolation ever since, regaining his American zeal and, well, sanity through a series of therapeutic procedures, so…hopefully, he’s ready to see the light of day.  Because we really want to know if this pizza is any good.  We’re guessing it fucking is.

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