“10! 9! 8! 7! 6! Math is hard! 1! HAPPY NEW YEAR!”
~You, tonight
It’s New Years Eve. What are you doing reading this sober? Thanks to AFFotD reader Mark for sending us this picture.
Have a great 2012 everyone. Those fucking Mayans.
“Why do you want us to hurt you so?”
~Wendy’s Executives
We’ve taken a lot of shit from Wendy’s in our partnership with the fast food chain. Our crack legal team did look into the contract and found there was a way to free ourselves from the oppressive rule of Wendy’s… It was so simple, we’re a little embarrassed that it took us so long to realize it.
Wendy’s has recently, for the first time, begun airing commercials with Wendy Thomas, the namesake of Wendy’s. And from watching that, there’s one thing that can free us from our servitude…
Wendy is fat.
Hmm…That’s supposed to do it. It says explicitly right here that if we point out that Wendy Thomas, the person Wendy’s was named after, was fat, we’d have some sign that the contract is void and…
Wait…
What’s that rumbling?
Yes. Yessss. Be gone foul spirits! RELEASE US!
Ah yes. We’re free. We’re…oh we’re finally free. Now we can talk about this without any interference.
The Double-Double Down: Your Heart Knows What It Did And It Has To Pay
“Hey baby, let’s get you out of those not-yet-drunk clothes.”
~George Washington
While the Holidays have past, and we are given a much harder time coming up with excuses to start drinking on a Wednesday at noon (“it’s, uh, the birthday of…uh…Jack…Daniels…”) we can still take a moment to look back fondly on aspects that make the Holidays so warm and inviting. And drunk. And an awesome but mean trick to play on your lactose intolerant friends. Yes, we’re talking about eggnog.
“But AFFotD, why are you talking about eggnog when there’s a picture of George Washington that looks like he’s teaching the Indian boy next to him how to properly give a hand jibber?” you no doubt are asking, and to that we say, hey, nice use of the word “hand jibber” it’s nice to know that hasn’t completely fallen out of style yet. But secondly, we have to tell you something. This article? Is not going to be some mamby pamby eggnog article. Fuck that. No, today we are going to introduce to you…
George Washington’s Eggnog Recipe (Will Getchya Drunk)
“Ha, that’s a good one. Wait, what? It’s not a joke? Uh…”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt
As a purveyor of American knowledge, as well as a site that uses an American flag in our banner, we try to keep things fairly non-controversial here. You tend not to see open displays of bigotry (unless it’s against Russians, French, or those damn Scandinavians) because that simply is a very un-American way to live life. Don’t get us wrong, we absolutely support blind judgment, but that blind judgment is best suited for people who act a certain way you don’t like. So if you decide you aren’t going to drink alcohol, or aren’t going to eat meat, or want to “conserve the environment” we can tell you go to go hell with a lot of colorful invectives, and we’ll probably call you ugly for good measure.
But unfortunately, there are some people who mistake the word “America” for “America in the 1840s” and they tend to take confounding stances against an array of groups, like people from different religions, people of different sexual preference, people of different races, or people who have publically supported the use of those devilish “Cotton Gin” devices.
And normally, these groups can exist peacefully, because we are about as concerned about the views of these groups as we are about the cold sores our college exes have been getting since spring break. Which is to say, we don’t care, it’s not our problem. Unfortunately, while the STDs contracted by your former significant others tends not to be covered on the news (unless your ex was John Mayer, in which case, hi Jen and Jessica, we’re glad you found our site!) sometimes certain groups get covered in the news because they managed to Troll the national media into thinking that the American Public wants to see a balding white man talk about how evil Muslims are. And that’s where we come in.
Seriously, dude looks like Gerald Ford after a botched lobotomy.
So with that in mind, we here at AFFotD feel compelled to take David Caton, executive director of the Florida Family Association down a few pegs. You might remember them as that group that protested a TV show about Muslims living in America because it didn’t show the Muslim-Americans being terroristy. Which is sort of like protesting the show In Living Color because it didn’t feature enough professional basketball players. David Caton knows so little about other ethnicities and religions that he doesn’t drink juice because he thinks it’s going to kill Jesus and charge him interest.
So while we promised ourselves that we’d take a break from insulting ugly people, we decided that receding hairline jokes are acceptable when they’re about bigots. So get your battle lances ready, America, it’s time for…
AFFotD Discovers and Decimates the Character and Views of the Bigoted Florida Family Association
Pictured above: David Caton imagining himself performing the physical act of love with another man.
“We’re not strange, YOU’RE strange, shut up internet.”
~AFFotD Staffers
When we want to say that something is, without fail, awesome, we refer to that thing as an “American Tradition.” Seriously, when have you ever heard of “American Tradition” being used in a bad way? Baseball is an American tradition, fake birth certificates are not. Fireworks are an American Tradition, and hand reconstruction surgery is improving each and every year. If something has been deemed an American Tradition, that’s like America’s version of the hall of fame (we’d like to introduce this year’s recipient to our American Tradition list: Playing beer pong using mixed drinks when you run out of beer but want to keep playing).
It is with this in mind that we have to bring your attention to yet another site that is trying to besmirch America with their “articles.” You know what this means, it’s time for us to take a massive shit on someone else’s writing.
Today’s recipient of our ire is the website “HowStuffWorks” for their egregious slideshow (eww, slideshow?) about “10 Strange American Traditions.” Umm, asshats, is being awesome strange, because that’s the only way we can make heads or tails out of your article’s title. These 10 American activities have been chosen because the writers here think that other nations would find them “strange at best.” Which means that they totally named this article the wrong thing. It should be called “10 American Traditions That Prove That Every Other Country Is Doing It Wrong.”
Hold us back, Internet. Hold us back…
AFFotD Lampoons The Naivety of Foreigners Who Dare Protest The Intrinsic Value Of 10 Fine American Traditions
“But do you recall, the most badass, American reindeer of all?”
~Burt Ives
When your profession consists of being American, and spreading your Americanness across the expanse of the internet, it’s easy to let the holiday season slip away. That’s why we have the most expensive, badass advent calendar ever created at our America Fun Fact of the Day offices, so that the hard workers of the AFFotD can spend their December being showered in sports cars, caviar, and IOUs for sexual favors from Hollywood’s most attractive stars and starlets. We started things off with a bang on December 1st. Literally, when our official Creepy AFFotD Office Guy, Steve Buscemi opened the door, a midget was shot out of a cannon right into his stomach. It was hilarious, Steve made a woodchipper in Fargo joke, and the midget complained about how hungry and weak he felt after being trapped in that cannon without food for like three weeks.
Anyway, we could go on about how badass and American this advent calendar was, or about its hefty price tag, or about that time that a Bruce Springsteen concert was our advent for December 14th, but that’d be getting ahead of things. Today, our advent was the ability to meet, and talk to, the one animal associated with Christmas that is more American than Santa Claus eating a KFC Double Down while participating in a fight club in International Waters. We almost didn’t recognize him when he sprang out, decked in camouflage fatigues, smoking a ten inch cigar and violently headbutting a Russian repeatedly in the groin. But when the comrade collapsed, blacking out from the pain, we saw the beast’s unmistakable, glorious red, glowing nose.
It was Rudolph the motherfucking reindeer.
“Sup girl. How you livin?”
“You’d be amazed how smashed you can get off eggnog when you’re tweaking on a week’s worth of sugar.”
~American dentists
Christmas is just around the corner, which means a handful of you get to take advantage of your opportunity to be a massive asshole by putting coal in your kid’s stocking just to see the look on the little bastard’s face. Really dude? You’re going that route? You think that shit’s funny? How do you even procure a hunk of coal to do that? You suck, and your kids are going to put you in one of the cheapest homes in town when your mind starts to go. But for the rest of you, Christmas is a time for friends, family, and alcohol but we said that one two times already.
But Christmas is more than just about presents and liquor. It’s about tradition. And obesity. Both of which can be seen as we investigate…
America’s Greatest Holiday Candy Traditions
Don’t worry, not all of them will look like penises. This one will, though.
Posted in America's Best Foods
Tagged America, Candy Cane, Christmas, Figgy Pudding, Gingerbread, Gingerbread Cookie, Rum Cake
“I mean, you can run with this, but it better not devolve into a whole thing calling individual women ugly or anything.”
~Johnny Roosevelt
Okay listen, by this point you know the deal. If you drink and can at least hollowly echo our dislike of French people, we’ll get along fine. Hell, even if you don’t drink but are like “fuck the French” we’ll not actively dislike you (but lord knows we won’t trust you). But if you want to piss us off, you actively try to stop people from drinking. Or, you know, try to save baby seals or whatever. Fuck nature, they had enough chances, this isn’t Wall Street, we’re not here to bail out idiot penguins that didn’t realize that we were shuttling oil through a dangerous sea passage.
Yeah, FUCK you, penguins.
All that being said, we try not to talk about hot button issues necessarily. Especially religion. Because religion will breed conversations between zealots and assholes (yeah we’re looking at you, people who make a “flying spaghetti monster” joke as soon as someone mentions church) and no one wants that. Which is why, when an intrepid reader pointed us to this site, we were hesitant to talk shit. At first. We saw “Women’s Christian” in the title and said, “hold up.” We don’t want to get into religious discussions, and we really don’t want to be viewed as misogynistic, so we were hesitant to “tear this site apart and see what final stroke will finally kill it” as our reader suggested. But then we read “Temperance Union” and just three neat whiskeys and one Wikipedia search later, we were enraged.
Not only are these damn Jesus bitches trying to stop us from drinking…well , no, that’s the main reason why we have an issue with them. That and the fact that their webmaster must have died in an unfortunate geocities mudslide back in 1998 because, goddamn, just look at this screenshot.
Look, we have these “intelligent phones” the youths are using nowadays!
So the gloves are off. We’re not even declaring a blog war here, we’re starting a real life war, because these people will not be allowed to touch our booze. No siree. So get ready, as…
AFFotD Takes on the Women’s Christian Temperance Union
Posted in Drunk People
Tagged America, BLOG WAR!, flying spaghetti monster, temperance union, WCTU, Women's Christian Temperance Union
“Quentin? Respect.”
~Teddy Roosevelt
Many of you following our Teddy’s Tots feature have no doubt thought to yourselves, “Wow, so these kids were all born in the 1800s, a decade lousy with child mortality rates, and so far all of his children have lived to be older than fifty, and in one case, ninety years old. Didn’t only one of Abraham Lincoln’s four children survive into adulthood?” That’s…yes that’s true. Wow, you know your shit. Well then you probably knew that Teddy Roosevelt’s youngest child was the one to live the shortest? You did?
Well then you also know that Quentin Roosevelt managed to fit more badass in twenty years of life than most professional bear wrestlers. That’s why we are proud to present, the sixth and final chapter in the Teddy’s Tots series, with…
Quentin Roosevelt Was The Favorite
Posted in Teddy's Tots
Tagged America, Quentin Roosevelt, Teddy Roosevelt, Teddy's Tots
“I’m not saying that if you go home with me tonight you will end up as an integral part of a compost heap, but I did once invent a diaper for a parrot.”
~U.S. Patent Holders
We’ve on three previous occasions done our best to warn you about future Jigsaw-like serial killers by posting about the most insane patents that can partially be blamed on the failings of our current mental healthcare system. Yes, that image up there is ear-warmers for a poodle. Yes, the ear on the right is noticeably lower than the left, giving you the impression that this product actually slightly mutilates the dog. Yes, someone spent months preparing this patent, and spent nights where the last thought they had before going to sleep was a hopeful dream about the fame and riches they would get from their patent. Holy shit, that’s depressing.
There are over eight million patents that have been issued in the United States as of the writing of this article, and just like when you see eight million lobsters you occasionally end up with some blue ones, when you get eight million patents you get a few distressing cries for help. Well, it’s actually a lot more common than the whole blue lobster thing. ‘Cause there are a lot more insane patents than there are blue lobsters. Anyway, onto the insanity.
America Fun Fact of the Day 