Tag Archives: Abraham Lincoln

Chewing Gum, Surprisingly American, Reliably Delicious

“Chewing gum is a lot like heroin, since both are incredibly enjoyable.”

~William S. Burroughs


 Chewing gum is an enigmatic American invention.  While it combines ancient history, American ingenuity, and tooth decay, it is not considered to be as awesomely American as alligator wrestling or cage matches (or any combination of the two).  But, in reality, chewing gum is an underappreciated yet surprisingly American commodity.

First, ask yourself a question.  Who makes chewing gum?  Wrigley’s of course.  And where do the Chicago Cubs, America’s most American loveable losers play?  Wrigley Field.

Did you know:  Those two are named after the same fucking guy.

Once you pick up the pieces of your exploded cranium, the America Fun Fact of the Day presents to you…

Chewing Gum:  More American than your immigrant grandparents

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Wherein AFFotD Decries the Slanderous Insinuations of American Prominence Perpetrated by the Fiendish Fortune Magazine: A Rebuttal of Fortune Magazine’s 100 Great Things About America List

“Are you shitting me, Fortune Magazine?  Hey, guys, from now on we’re using this fucking list as toilet paper.”

~Johnny Roosevelt, Editor-in-Chief of AFFotD

Believe it or not, despite the existence of the America Fun Fact of the Day, there are other publications that make it a hobby to try to tell us, Americans, what constitutes being American.  Now, we have to ask you, do High School Basketball coaches go to Michael Jordan to give him pointers?  Fuck no, Jordan would use his cigar to scald their retinas.  Does the editor of a grade school newspaper tell Ernest Hemingway how to write?  The one time that happened, the kid went missing and was never seen again.  But yet, we have assholes like Fortune fucking magazine trying to post a “Independence Day 2010” article about “The Top 100 Great Things About America.”  They’d be better off getting a slug to write an exposé about taking a salt bath.  Our researchers stumbled across this little gem and immediately were stricken with a hate boner.  It’s like rigor mortis for when you see dreams die.  This article so offends us we can’t even think coherently!   Fuuuuuuuuuck!

THIS is the LEAD PHOTO for the whole damn article.  A clown desecrating the American flag by blowing out of a FUCKING VUVUZELA!  THAT GET SHIT OUT OF OUR HOUSE!

So let’s look at the highlights of their “list.”  And may God have mercy on their souls.

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A Road Trip of Roadside Attractions Through America’s Midwest: Part 1

“Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?”

~Those fucking kids.  I swear to God, I will drive this van into a ravine.


America is a land of roads.  More than any other nation, the highways and interstates of this great land speak of a legacy.  You can drive to any state you want, assuming you had enough time, gas money, and activated charcoal to fool the breathalyzers.   Except for Hawaii, but Hawaii the 51st most American state in the World.  Guam is ahead of it, and Guam isn’t even a goddamn state.

But if it is the roads of America that serve as this nation’s heart, roadside attractions serve as our soul.  America can take something like twine, try to make the world’s biggest ball of it, and center it as the primary reason for people to visit their town.  And people will stop and see that big ass ball of twine because hey, that’s sorta cool, besides, we all need a piss stop anyway.  Hell, this is a country that not only has a “world’s largest cherry pie tin,” they have a contending giant pie tin forty-five minutes away.

No other place in the world comes close to the glory of a roadside attraction during a lengthy road trip.  In Europe, you have to deal with Smart Cars getting all up on your grill.  In South America, the closest thing they have to a “Roadside attraction” is the fact that they carve murder roads into cliffs as a way to battle population growth.

“Hola?”  “ADIOS!”

Every state in America has something just off the highway in some small town that is gloriously pointless.  What is more American than the World’s Largest Toilet ?  Why, the World’s Largest American Flag, obviously, and that’s just two towns over.  Fuck yes!

America’s Midwest is often known as “America’s Heartland,” and Indiana even admits in its state motto of “The Crossroads of America” that “You basically go through our state to get where you want to go.”  For this reason, today’s America Fun Fact of the Day will be about…

Landmark Attractions of the American Midwest (or, like, 3 states)

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Ulysses S. Grant Loves Whiskey, Hates Pants

“I’m so drunk right now, I have no idea what’s going on.  Where are my pants?”

~President Ulysses S. Grant, Battle of Gettysburg

As a general rule, we here at America Fun Fact of the Day like our Civil War generals, and our nation’s leaders, like we like our coffee.  Just filled to the brim with booze.  And while many famous U.S. Presidents dabbled in their own well known vices (JFK’s foot fetish, FDR’s presidential throne made out of people, Bill Clinton’s ecstasy raves) few were able to employ their debauchery to so effectively serve the nation as Ulysses S. Grant.

Pictured:  Proof that no man can ever again be this manly.

Not pictured:  Pants

Also Pictured:  Cow lick

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