“Because art is better when I am in it.”
~Teddy Roosevelt
Though last week’s image of the week shows Teddy Roosevelt riding a moose, we figured that art could also accurately express the level of America that Teddy Roosevelt displays. Of course, we were right.
Teddy Roosevelt is going to punch you in the face, and a bald eagle is just going to sit there and let it happen. Have a good weekend, folks.
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged America, Bald Eagle, Eagle, Image of the Week, Teddy Roosevelt
“Complain all you want, you’ll eat that lobster and like it.”
~American Prison Guards, 19th century
As the America Fun Fact of the Day offices have previously established, very little is more American than American food. Hamburgers and Hot Dogs form delicious links on our obesity food chain, but they also allow us to show off our gastronomical creativity. Hot Dogs by themselves can’t totally destroy a bun during the course of consumption, so Chicago-Style toppings were invented. Hamburgers felt too healthy when they were just patties of ground beef on a bun, so someone decided to put cheese, bacon, and, fuck it, a fried egg on top of it.
Hey, stop licking the screen. We said stop it!
America is the nation that discovered bologna, and then decided to fry it and put it in sandwiches. America is the nation that, when they found out they arrived too late to discover the recipe for mayonnaise, decided the next best thing was to figure out a way to combine it with potato chips. America is a nation that realized that a butter churn can be used not only to make delicious, fattening butter, but can also be an easy way to make sexual jokes when the women of the house used it. We have a rich history with unhealthy, inexpensive foods, though we do try to forget that year long stretch back in ’07 when Rachel Ray was culturally relevant with that whole “30 Minute Meals” nonsense.
And that’s why today’s America Fun Fact of the Day is about Lobster. Nature’s accidentally delicious mistake.
Posted in America's Greatest Fun Facts, Fuck Nature
“Another beer pong post? Really?”
~You
As you’ve seen in the past two days, beer pong has a long rich history, and a series of well established rules. Below we have the final in our three day series on beer pong.
Posted in History of Beer Pong
Tagged America, Beer Pong, Beer Pong Week, Belgium Beer, guiness, Milwaukee's Best, shitty beer
“This is my tenth game of pong, and I’m still balling the sinks…uh….”
~The Average Beer Pong Tournament Winner
As we saw in yesterday’s fun fact, the origin of Beer Pong is a rich and totally true tale. The tale continues below.
Posted in History of Beer Pong
Tagged America, Beer, Beer Pong, Beer Pong Rules, Beer Pong Week, NBA Jam
“Violence is never the correct method to enlightenment. I have been the victim of slings and arrows but I knew to take them in stride. Men have attacked me, provoked me, and have I turned the other cheek. But house rules say we are allowed to re-rack mid-turn, so you’d better give me Bozo Buckets before I fucking end you.”
~Gandhi
As Americans age, they find that their sensibilities and lifestyle might soften. Some of us settle down and start a family. Some of us wait until kickoff to start drinking, instead of waking up at 6AM to pregame properly. Still others feel less motivation to travel to Africa to slay lions with their bare hands, and instead stay in America to hunt coyotes. However, there is one American activity that, though associated primarily with college students, remains fondly in the hearts of all American Champions. Never will we tire of it, and never will we abandon it. It is no mere game, it is a way of life, and a testament to our American abilities and ingenuity.
Of course, we are referring to Beer Pong.
Posted in History of Beer Pong
Tagged America, Beer, Beer Pong, Beer Pong Week, Sumerians
“I eat dingers for breakfast, and I steal bases to fall asleep.”
~Bobby Scales
Baseball stars (well, American born ones, anyway) cover a broad array of proudly American personality types. There’s the overweight men who can throw a ball very fast and become millionaire professional athletes, the overweight men who can swing a stick very hard and become millionaire professional athletes, and others. But one player, while not the most widely known baseball player, is by far the most American.
That is Chicago Cubs perennial minor leaguer, Bobby Scales.
Posted in Athletes
Tagged America, Bobby Scales, Chicago Cubs, fireworks, hangovers, Karate Kid, Rookie of the Year, The Natural, Tim Lincecum
“Jesus guys, can’t you come up with a topic that’s a little more specific?”
~JFK III, Official AFFotD Dauphin
While having our weekly lunch of jumbo hot dogs, pint glasses of bourbon, and a scientifically worked out ratio of callgirls and callboys (AFFotD is an equal opportunity employer), we all sat back in our den of glutton debauchery (other offices may crudely refer to it as a “lunch room.” Or a “sex dungeon,” depending on where you work and how good your Union is) to reflect on today as a glorious day in America. And even though roughly three states (including Hawaii) are getting direct sunlight at the moment, and March continues its bland tradition of being the “Billy Baldwin of the Calendar months,” we were still able to intake glorious amounts of calories while burning them off immediately after in a whole slew of morally questionable activities. Oh, we forgot to mention that the hot dogs that we ate were stolen, and the bourbon distilled in our offices was made in a 1920’s prohibition era sill. Seriously, the whole place smells like grase, ethanol, cereal, and latex. It’s glorious.
We couldn’t quite put our finger on what was drawing us to this day, March 6th, and being particularly important in American history. So, we took our historical staff out of their tequila-filled-baths and sent them to let us know what was American about today. Here was their list.
Today’s American History of America in America (American Edition)
1810- Illinois passes the first vaccination legislation in the history of America. A Crazy Chinese Double Agent Health Ranger, Mike Adams, would tell you that this was the beginning of the government’s plan to poison us or brainwash us or something? Normal people would say that it was the beginning of less kids having to die due to preventable illnesses. Six in one hand, half a dozen in the other.
1836– 175 years ago today, the Alamo finally fell to Mexican forces after a 13 day siege. Davy Crockett, Jim Bowie, and many other notable badasses perished, but not before taking out a shitload of the enemy with them. Years later, this sacrifice would serve as the inspiration for the ending scene of Armageddon.
1899- Aspirin is discovered, allowing millions of Americans to confuse “minor joint pain” with “heart attacks,” making Bayer executives have to announce, frustratedly, “It treats both! It’s magic, okay you guys?” Mike Adams probably thinks aspirin is a tracking beacon or some shit.
1922- Babe Ruth signs a 3-year contract with the New York Yankees with the New York Yankees for $52,000. This being the 1920s, that was enough money to buy over one million steak and kidney pies, this being a form of currency during the Great Depression.
1967- Svetlana Alliluyeva, daughter of Joseph Stalin, defects to America from the U.S.S.R., because Fuck Russia.
2011– America Fun Fact of the Day staff decides to post short, easily googleable information for its fun fact, resulting in mass protests across the globe.
“I am not saying that I am more manly than Bull Riders. But then again, do you hear them having to deny such claims about me?”
~Teddy Roosevelt
No back story is necessary. Look at this fucking picture.
Just look at that fucking picture.
That’s Teddy Roosevelt riding a moose in water.
It’s like history is just rule 34ing us.
Once our staff saw this picture, we realized that the only American way to respond to such epic glory was to discuss the lost generation of Moose Wranglers, of whom Teddy Roosevelt clearly was their leader.
Moose Wrangling was a short-lived profession in the early 20th century. It was invented by Teddy Roosevelt, whose motto in love was much the same as his motto for nature, “I don’t care how big it is, I’m still riding it.” Due to the sheer borderline-suicidal reckless danger involved in being a Moose Wrangler, combined with the fact that there was absolutely no financial gain to be had by riding a Moose, the profession died out shortly after Teddy Roosevelt became Mount Rushmore.
The first instance of Moose Wrangling occurred as a happy accident, as Teddy Roosevelt, while out Moose hunting, decided to climb upon an unsuspecting Moose to get an effective “up-close and personal” kill shot on the beast. Before he had a chance to pull the trigger, the 1200 pound behemoth began to run, instinctively knowing where Roosevelt wanted to go. Basically he was like that kid in The Neverending Story.
Roosevelt eventually recruited some of the baddest of badasses throughout the Wyoming area (a land with a low population, but the highest number of badass woodsman per capita in the United States) where he formed Roosevelt’s Wild Wrangling Moose Society. When a news reporter asked Roosevelt what possible reason he would have to recruit men to ride around on Moose, Roosevelt replied, “Shut up, that’s why.”
Roosevelt’s Moose Wranglers traveled all across the nation, where they performed a wide assortment of good deeds, like assisting in the establishment of one of America’s first Indian Reservation casinos (shortly after banishing the tribe to an Indian reservation). They saved a few kittens from treetops, and had a moderate role to play in the Allied victory of World War I. But all good things eventually come to an end, and as the last of the Moose Wranglers hung up their specialty-made Moose saddles (only Teddy Roosevelt was man enough to ride without a saddle), they knew it was the end of an era in America.
An era where people rode Moose through rivers just for the flying fuck of it.
Posted in Saturday Image of the Week
Tagged America, Image of the Week, Moose, Mount Rushmore, Rule 34, Teddy Roosevelt
“Of course there’s a quote about me describing the taste of Lion meat. I’m Ernest Fucking Hemingway”
~Ernest “Fucking” Hemingway
Typically, news outlets enjoy blowing stories out of proportion if they feel they’ve stumbled upon a particularly juicy tidbit of information. Much like a 7th grade cabal of gossipy girls, they employ the “he told me that she told me that he wants to” methods of knowledge transference. “Jimmy’s sister told Obama’s Press Secretary told a New York Times Reporter told The Associated Press that Nancy Pelosi totally shook hands with John Edwards OMG!” Sensationalism sells. And one particular hot topic appears to be the consumption of a meat that we at the AFFotD want to try, just because we’re pretty sure it will give us powers. But apparently mentioning it as a consumable food is enough to warrant death threats and the ire of a whole slew of the population.
And really, we must ask. What the hell is wrong with wanting to eat some goddamn lion meat?
It’s either us or them…
Posted in Strange Foods
Tagged America, Ernest Hemingway, Fuck Nature, Kirby, Lion, Lion Meat, Lion Tacos, Miami Dolphins, Unibomber
“What do you mean I’m not ‘allowed’ to quit!?”
~[REDACTED]
Two weeks ago, we took an investigative reporter, whose name we had to redact for obvious reasons, and let him loose in a Vegan restaurant. Last week, we felt like we had to make it up to him, so we gave him a night full of whiskey and boots. Of course, we also tricked him into signing a contract making him our permanent fixture as an investigative journalist. Oh, and he can’t sue us, no matter what stresses we put him through. So we figured we’d do the American thing…and abuse our new found freedom. Enjoy writing a review of a game of Cricket, [REDACTED], you jackass.
America Fun Fact of the Day 