Category Archives: Our Greatest Presidents

If you want to know about badass American presidents, look no further. As an added bonus we’ve included a list of the 10 ugliest Vice-Presidents, because they might not have been our Greatest Presidents, but they helped make American Presidents look attractive by comparison.

George Washington’s Eggnog Recipe (Will Getchya Drunk)

Posted on December 29, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Hey baby, let’s get you out of those not-yet-drunk clothes.”

~George Washington

While the Holidays have past, and we are given a much harder time coming up with excuses to start drinking on a Wednesday at noon (“it’s, uh, the birthday of…uh…Jack…Daniels…”) we can still take a moment to look back fondly on aspects that make the Holidays so warm and inviting.  And drunk.  And an awesome but mean trick to play on your lactose intolerant friends.  Yes, we’re talking about eggnog.

“But AFFotD, why are you talking about eggnog when there’s a picture of George Washington that looks like he’s teaching the Indian boy next to him how to properly give a hand jibber?” you no doubt are asking, and to that we say, hey, nice use of the word “hand jibber” it’s nice to know that hasn’t completely fallen out of style yet.  But secondly, we have to tell you something.  This article?  Is not going to be some mamby pamby eggnog article.  Fuck that.  No, today we are going to introduce to you…

George Washington’s Eggnog Recipe (Will Getchya Drunk)

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The Greatest Fights Between Great American Figures (That Never Happened) (That We Wish Happened)

Posted on November 30, 2011 | Leave a comment

“You want a piece of me?  COME ON, ASSHOLES!  WHO WANTS A PIECE OF ME!”

~Gandhi

We Americans try to act civilized and focus on the finer things in life, like a nice aged scotch or photoshopping actresses’ faces onto photos of naked women, but despite our efforts to contain our savage impulses, we do love a good fight.  There’s nothing wrong with that—fighting is a healthy and natural way to vent anger, settle disputes, and teach assholes not to drive on the highway with their blinker on the whole time.  The mere existence of fighting is responsible for 100% of all instances where someone shouts, “Yeah you better run,” which is one of the more underappreciated American sentences in existence.

If you ever doubt America’s hidden yearning to watch people bash the ever-loving bile out of each other, just ask any American male why he likes the movie Fight Club.

“The anti-capitalist metaphor, man, I like that it’s against consumerism,” they might say.

No, why do you really like Fight Club?

“Uh, Edward Norton and Brad Pitt give incredibly nuanced…”

No.  Why do you really like the movie?

“Because of the fighting!  Because they fight!  In a club!  Oh God, why did daddy leave, why did daddy have to leave us?”

Woah, that got dark.  Since segues are for the French and people who lack confidence about their sexual virility (ha, but didn’t we say “the French” already?  Burn) just know that today’s fun fact is…

The Greatest Fights Between Great American Figures (That Never Happened) (That We Wish Happened)

“More like a house divided against itself cannot stand another ass whooping like the one I just dished out!  Boooom!  Classic Lincoln-Zinger.  Oh..oh wow, you’re actually…yeah you’re bleeding really bad…Oh…”

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Alice Roosevelt Longworth: 96 Years of Pet Snakes, Cuckolded Husbands, and Sharp Wit

Posted on November 15, 2011 | 6 comments

“In fact, most suspect it was Mr. Roosevelt’s general monogamous ways that is the only reason why America is not dominated by illegitimate supermen.”

~1920 Census Report


Consider this, America.  On the six occasions that Theodore Roosevelt told his reproductive system to make him a child, millions upon millions of potential Roosevelts battled each other for the right to carry on the legacy (and moustache genes) of one of America’s finest Americans (and great-grandfather to our editor-in-chief).  Each child was, genetically, 50% Teddy Roosevelt, which scientifically equates to about 8.3 Americans each.

Yes the fact that Teddy Roosevelt had six children seems appropriate- if anything it’s a disservice to our country that he didn’t go all Jim Duggar with his two wives.  Roosevelt hadving two wives had nothing to do with divorce or infidelity, of course- Roosevelt’s first wife, Alice Hathaway Lee Roosevelt, died shortly after childbirth when Roosevelt was 25 (it happened in the same house on the same day that his mother died, a coincidence that historical circles refer to as “Dude, that fucking sucks”).  Of course, Roosevelt knew he had to continue his lineage with more than one child, so he eventually remarried where his second wife gave birth to his five other children.

But those children?  Unmistakably American, every one.  That is why we at AFfotD are making it our duty to tell you about each and every one of the Roosevelt Children, and for the next several weeks you will periodically find fun facts in the Teddy’s Tots series.  We settled on the name “Teddy’s Tots” because we like alliteration, but “Teddy’s Totally Tricked out Tiny Tyrants” seemed a bit cumbersome.  So we begin our goal to educate you about the lives of every one of Teddy Roosevelt’s spawn with…

Alice Roosevelt Longworth:  96 Years of Pet Snakes, Cuckolded Husbands, and Sharp Wit

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America Fun Fact of the day 8/27- Saturday Image of the Week

Posted on August 27, 2011 | Leave a comment

“HOLY HELL GREAT-GRANDPAP!”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt

You’re no doubt all aware of our massive man-crush on Teddy Roosevelt.  And by “man crush” we mean “if we think a negative thought about him his ghost will find us and hunt us down.”

Hunt us down something like this.

Holy hell look at that.  That is Teddy Roosevelt standing over the corpse of the giant elephant that he killed.  We can only presume it was with his bare hands.  Thank god photography was invented in time to catch Teddy Roosevelt.

Just look at it.  Look at it.

Have a great week, everyone.

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America Fun Fact of the Day 8/13- Saturday Image of the Week

Posted on August 13, 2011 | Leave a comment

“TEDDY ROOSEVELT!  BIGFOOT!  TWO MEN ENTER!  ONE MAN LEAVES!  THUNDERDOMEEEEE!”

~The non-Australian version of Mad Max

America loves epic battles.  Ali versus Frazier.  Ali versus Foreman.  Some other epic battles that don’t involve Ali.  What we’re trying to say is that America loves badass fights.  And it’s Saturday, so you know that means you’re due an image of the week.  And yes, your assumption that today’s image will be a badass fight is totally correct.

Don’t say we’ve never done anything for you, America.  Here’s Teddy Roosevelt shooting up the motherfucking Bigfoot.

AGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!merica.

Have a good weekend everyone.

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Abraham Lincoln is a Super Mutant

Posted on August 4, 2011 | 3 comments

“Four ass kickings and seven names taken ago… I’m trying to say I beat the shit out of people.”

~Abraham Lincoln


Many AFFotD readers have seen posts about legendary Americans such as Ulysses S. Grant, Teddy Roosevelt, and Teddy Roosevelt (“Oh hey, you guys made a mistake…you said Teddy Roosevelt twice.”  No we didn’t make any mistake, fuck you) and have likely thought that a few true American heroes were missing from the list.  Sometimes it’s because we’re lazy and we just read something about flavored vodka, but in other instances these figures can be to seminal to the American experience that summing up their accomplishments into a series of alcohol related dick jokes can be a daunting task.  Such is the case of the mutant American badass, and one of the most influential American ugly person president…Abraham Lincoln.

Yeah he did that too.

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The White House

Posted on June 15, 2011 | 29 comments

“It, um, well it is…pretty nice.”

~President Barack Obama

 

While we in the America Fun Fact of the Day offices prefer to talk about historical American buildings that look like genitalia, there are certain buildings that define America, even if they don’t like anything funny.  Well, granted, the Capital building sort of looks like a boob if you squint at it…

…heh…heh…

 …but one of the most iconic buildings in America is, and always will be, The White House, the home of America’s president, and likely the origin of the term, “Papa gets swag.”

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American Presidential Home Brewers

Posted on May 19, 2011 | 8 comments

“Gonna getchya drunk, bitches.”

~George Washington


We expect a lot from our Presidents.  Sign this bill, kill this terrorist, take a lengthy vacation, sign this other bill, cover up that murder committed by your cousin, give a presidential pardon to a turkey on Thanksgiving, it can be quite a chore.  And many American Presidents have had to find their own creative ways to let off some steam while on the job.  Richard Nixon had his voyeuristic taping habits.  Bill Clinton had chubby chicks.  Jimmy Carter would club homeless people over the head and trap them inside the drywall of houses made for the poor.

However, there is a little known Presidential hobby that is becoming increasingly popular, and results in a lot less collateral damage than Jimmy “My Kindly Southern Disposition Hides a Sinister Past” Carter.

That’s right.  Presidents like to brew beer.  USA!  USA!

“Osama’s dead!  I mean…beer!”

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Andrew Johnson’s Drunken Inauguration

Posted on May 2, 2011 | 8 comments

“I got your Vice-Presidency riiiiight here.”

~Andrew Johnson

The America Fun Fact of the Day organization has taken a lot of heat from various public interest groups over the years, which is to be expected whenever a fresh, vibrant voice appears to lead the general public down the proper American path.  Native American groups really didn’t take kindly to our Super Bowl commercials that ran under the slogan, “Indians:  Stop Bitching and Be Thankful We Let You Have Casinos” (though, surprisingly, the media uproar over those spots was largely overshadowed by how much people inexplicably loathed those boring Groupon ads).  A lot of Eastern European groups tend to take umbrage with our bizarre inexplicable hatred towards Ukranians.  And, of course, we take a lot of heat from MADD for our supposedly controversial “High Fives for safe Buzzed drivers” program, and our, “Blowing a .08 isn’t nearly as big of a crime as blowing a .2, get over it America” advertising banners that we may or may not have placed on the MADD website for a time.

We didn’t earn any favors with this campaign either…

And of our many transgressions (people always tend to overlook our Condor fighting ring, which baffles us to no end) our stance towards alcohol (mainly that it’s awesome) tends to get a surprising amount of backlash.  Not that we care to address that backlash at the moment.  Let’s put it this way, 90% of the people that tell us, “Alcohol ruins lives” also list their favorite TV shows as being According to Jim, Two and a Half Men, and The Bachelor.  Call us cynical, but we’re not too worried about losing that demographic as readers.

This show got eight seasons.  EIGHT.  Yet Arrested Development got cancelled after three.  This message was sponsored by whiskey.  “Whiskey:  Drink me to forget.”

Alcohol is as American as drinking Alcohol, which, for those who have never read AFFotD, is incredibly American.  And that’s why we choose to salute one of the best moments in American Alcohol consumption.  The Vice-Presidential inauguration of Abraham Lincoln’s Vice President, Andrew Johnson.

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Andrew Jackson Will Shoot You in the Face

Posted on March 23, 2011 | 4 comments

“How have you not done a fun fact about me yet?  I ought to duel the shit out of you for that.”

~Andrew “Old Hickory” Jackson

Every day, Americans deal with opposition, antagonization, and frustration at the actions of their fellow man.  Some of us bite our tongue and move on, choosing to take the high road.  Some of us complain about perceived injustices until they feel their grievances have been addressed.  AFFotD writers just stare at the person responsible and say in an eerily intense manner, “You’re next, fucker,” while scribbling their name down on a sheet of paper labeled Enemy’s List (admittedly, this list is often vague, with entries like, “That popped collar tool who cut me in line at Costco that one time.”)

And of course, some truly great Americans just decide to shoot their problems in the face.  Americans like Andrew “Middle Names Are For People Who Aren’t Called Old Hickory” Jackson.

As seen here unfortunately portrayed by John Kerry

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