Category Archives: Our Greatest Presidents

If you want to know about badass American presidents, look no further. As an added bonus we’ve included a list of the 10 ugliest Vice-Presidents, because they might not have been our Greatest Presidents, but they helped make American Presidents look attractive by comparison.

The Teddy Roosevelt Assassination Attempt of 1912

“Oh, he’s still standing.  Welp, I’m dead.”

~John Flammang Schrank

roosevelt newspaper

We don’t try to hide our infatuation towards Teddy Roosevelt here at America Fun Fact of the Day, and that has very little to do with the fact that great-great-grandsire Johnny Roosevelt is our editor-in-chief here.    We’ve extolled his American greatness here before, and the greatness of his children time and time again.  The man was badass, to put it bluntly, and we could write in depth AFFotD articles about hundreds of the things he did in his life.  But when we think of Teddy Roosevelt, there’s one story in particular which really shows that, as far as unbridled American badasses go, Roosevelt was the cream of the crop, a giant among giants, and the kind of person you most definitely would never want to fuck with.

This is the story about the time someone tried to fuck with Teddy Roosevelt.

The Teddy Roosevelt Assassination Attempt of 1912

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The Most Unfortunately Named Politicians To Ever Run For President

“Heh heh.  Cox.  I mean, Mr. Governer.”

~Presidential Debate Proctor, 1920

presidential seal

As we’ve established time and time again, we’re not the best at math, but as far as we can tell, America has been a country for over 150 years, and has had more than 40 presidents.  43 presidents maybe?  45?  Either way, it’s less than 50.  And that means that anytime you have the chance to become the President of the Most Powerful Country In The World (pre-2008 division), your name will be in the history books, even if it’s just as a footnote.

The problem with being a part of history is that the first and, in some cases only, thing that we see in a history book is the name of the person.  Yes, we know that George Washington had fake teeth and liked to stand up on boats, but the first thing we register about him is his name.  George Washington.  A strong, authoritative name that screams “Presidential.”  Now not all of our Presidents were blessed with such a fitting name (looking at you, Herbert Hoover) but they at least managed to have names that didn’t actively get in the way of their political gains.

Which is why we’re here to focus on those whose name did get in the way.  The Presidential candidates that got their names on the ballots, failing to realize that maybe they should have changed their name before making the entire population read their name in the polling booth and suppress a giggle.  That’s why we present for you…

The Most Unfortunately Named Politicians To Ever Run For President

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Get Your Hands Off My Bottle: A Short History of the Whiskey Rebellion

“Do.  Not.  Fuck.  With.  Our.  Whiskey.”

~18th Century Americans/19th Century Americans/20th Century Americans/You Get The Gist

whiskey rebellion

America was founded under a few core principles.  Now, it’s been a while since we’ve skimmed through the Declaration of Independence, and if you put a gun to our head we’d still not be able to tell you what the Third Amendment of the Constitution does, but we’re pretty sure America is all about life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness through the imbibement of alcohol.  Nope, that’s right, we nailed it on the first try, don’t even try to ask Google if that’s right they’ll just steal your cookies and put them on boat servers and sell them to Nigerian Princes (besides being keen historians, we’re also internet experts).

We bring this up because we’d like to tell you about a very important history tale, from America’s distant past.  Imagine, if you will, a time when America’s very existence could be threatened by even the smallest of threats.  Picture a government trying to tax our booze to pay for war debts.  And imagine people rising up and saying, “Get your hands off our fucking booze” with enough anger and violence that it marks the only time that an acting President led troops to battle.

Yes, that’s right, we’re here to talk about the Whiskey Rebellion, the relatively minor yet strangely important hiccup in American history that, naturally, was centered around our nation’s love of alcohol.

Get Your Hands Off My Bottle:  A Short History of the Whiskey Rebellion

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George Wallace Has His Mess Right

“hahaha ohhh he said it!”

~Adoring Las Vegas crowds

George_Wallace

It’s been a while since you’ve heard from the crew at America Fun Fact of the Day.  Part of that is that we’ve been busy working on a reality TV show called “Inside The Lives Of Real Americans” which we got fired from after we went through the entire liquor budget that TLC allowed in two days.  And part of that is that, after getting fired, we decided to spend some time in Las Vegas.

“But why Las Vegas, and why am I here as a flimsy humor article rhetorical construct?” you might be screaming at the computer, possibly while soiling yourself.  “And seriously, if you’re going to put words in my mouth, please don’t make me seem like some deconstructed ruin of where humanity can fail” you might add while smashing frozen tater tots into a waffle iron and serving the end result on the last clean T-shirt that you own, which happens to be a Pearl Jam Summer Tour 1997 shirt. 

But to answer the question of this shambling mess of a human being which we’ve apparently decided to fictitiously create to embody you, the reader, why wouldn’t we go to Las Vegas?  It has everything.  There are alcoholic drinks that come in glasses a yard long, nothing ever closes, you get free drinks for legally gambling, and you can solicit the services of a prostitute and come to the conclusion that you can never undo the things that you’ve done, and that doesn’t bother you because you’re dead inside.

And, of course, there is the 10PM show of “The New Mr. Las Vegas” himself, George Wallace, at The Flamingo every night.  We realized that this man knew comedy in a way that we could only dream of, and we can’t think of a better way to pay him tribute than to give him his very own fun fact, stealing/recycling his jokes so the world can appreciate him without having to pay $30 in Vegas.

George Wallace Has His Mess Right

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Heroes in Action Toys Presents: Presidential Monsters

“I want all of these.  No, I want MORE than all of these.”

~You

presidential monsters

Ingenuity often comes from the most obvious places.  People have liked meth, wolves, and oversized T-shirts for years, but it wasn’t until someone sat down and said, “Hey, let’s put three wolves on a KFC-stained T-shirt” that we collectively said, “Oh, of course” and bought a million shirts from The Mountain.  We didn’t know that chocolate could be put into peanut butter, and vice versa, without a combination of divine intervention and mercy killings.  So when we were told that Heroes in Action Toys made action figures of American presidents, we weren’t particularly impressed…until they clarified that the presidents were also monsters.

And we immediately wanted to buy all of them.

Yes, it seems so simple in retrospect, but it took a true genius to come up with monster versions of each American president, and it would be a disservice if we didn’t take you through each and every item on the catalog to show you how incredibly American this idea is.  You’re welcome.

Heroes in Action Toys Presents:  Presidential Monsters

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America’s Heroes Battling Monsters

“I need to buy all of these.  Every.  Single.  One.”

~You

Art is okay, we guess.  It’s one of the classiest ways to see boobs, and if you have a friend that’s deciding to not make money by painting shit for a living, you at least can go to their gallery openings for an evening of free wine and sub-par cheese spreads.  And there are plenty of Americans who have added very iconic and significant contributions to the artistic and pop culture world, like that one guy who designed the label for Campbell’s soup.

But if there are kinds of art that we don’t particularly care for (looking at you, 25 foot black canvas with a single silver dot on it), there’s one that we can never get enough of.  And that would be images of American presidents and historical figures doing badass things in impossible contexts.  We’ve shown some of these images on our site before, but now it’s time we give proper due, thanks to the gentle prodding from Bro Bible, to American digital artist Jason Heuser.  Because any man that can depict Ben Franklin with Wolverine claws fighting Zeus deserves our money.

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England’s Five Greatest Foes (Apparently)

“Do not fuck with me, England.”

~George Washington

George Washington is a lot like Gizmo from Gremlins.  He’s a good guy that you don’t want to be on the bad side of, and we’re only assuming that he doesn’t like getting wet.  While we’re at it, we’re just going to assume that the both of them hated the British as well.

Well, now we at least know that the Brits are still terrified of Washington.  According to a recent poll run by the National Army Museum of the UK to determine who was Britain’s greatest foe of all time, Washington came out in first place.  While we wonder who decided to come up with the short list of enemies (Hitler, for example, seems strangely absent) we are pleased that our European allies still go to sleep at night with nightmarish visions of Washington’s wooden teeth and laser vision.

As much as we applaud Washington’s place as the badass of all badasses, as journalists (ha!) it is our sworn (?) duty to delve as deeply into this issue as possible.  So, it’s time to begrudgingly compare Washington to the rest of the people England considers their sworn enemy to see if the honor is anything worth getting excited over.

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Zombie Washington Prefers British Brains

“While other phrases like ‘Mummy Roosevelt’ or ‘Scarecrow Lincoln’ are certainly in play, ‘Zombie Washington’ likely remains the best combination of words in the English Language.”

~The Oxford Dictionary People

Zombies are scientifically the most American monsters out there.  Think about it.  Werewolves have been phoned in by Benicio Del Toro, certain Vampires fucking glitter, and IRS agents aren’t even given handguns for their job anymore.  Yes, Zombies walk this world, and this fine nation, with a singular purpose.  Consumerist metaphor Brains.  Delicious brains.

But what would have happened if we had taken one of our nation’s founders, and greatest laser-vision-having hero, and zombified the shit out of him?  Well, it almost happened, as we recently learned on this io9 article.  So sit back, gentle Americans, and prepare yourselves for…

Zombie Washington Prefers British Brains

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George Washington’s Eggnog Recipe (Will Getchya Drunk)

“Hey baby, let’s get you out of those not-yet-drunk clothes.”

~George Washington

While the Holidays have past, and we are given a much harder time coming up with excuses to start drinking on a Wednesday at noon (“it’s, uh, the birthday of…uh…Jack…Daniels…”) we can still take a moment to look back fondly on aspects that make the Holidays so warm and inviting.  And drunk.  And an awesome but mean trick to play on your lactose intolerant friends.  Yes, we’re talking about eggnog.

“But AFFotD, why are you talking about eggnog when there’s a picture of George Washington that looks like he’s teaching the Indian boy next to him how to properly give a hand jibber?” you no doubt are asking, and to that we say, hey, nice use of the word “hand jibber” it’s nice to know that hasn’t completely fallen out of style yet.  But secondly, we have to tell you something.  This article?  Is not going to be some mamby pamby eggnog article.  Fuck that.  No, today we are going to introduce to you…

George Washington’s Eggnog Recipe (Will Getchya Drunk)

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The Greatest Fights Between Great American Figures (That Never Happened) (That We Wish Happened)

“You want a piece of me?  COME ON, ASSHOLES!  WHO WANTS A PIECE OF ME!”

~Gandhi

We Americans try to act civilized and focus on the finer things in life, like a nice aged scotch or photoshopping actresses’ faces onto photos of naked women, but despite our efforts to contain our savage impulses, we do love a good fight.  There’s nothing wrong with that—fighting is a healthy and natural way to vent anger, settle disputes, and teach assholes not to drive on the highway with their blinker on the whole time.  The mere existence of fighting is responsible for 100% of all instances where someone shouts, “Yeah you better run,” which is one of the more underappreciated American sentences in existence.

If you ever doubt America’s hidden yearning to watch people bash the ever-loving bile out of each other, just ask any American male why he likes the movie Fight Club.

“The anti-capitalist metaphor, man, I like that it’s against consumerism,” they might say.

No, why do you really like Fight Club?

“Uh, Edward Norton and Brad Pitt give incredibly nuanced…”

No.  Why do you really like the movie?

“Because of the fighting!  Because they fight!  In a club!  Oh God, why did daddy leave, why did daddy have to leave us?”

Woah, that got dark.  Since segues are for the French and people who lack confidence about their sexual virility (ha, but didn’t we say “the French” already?  Burn) just know that today’s fun fact is…

The Greatest Fights Between Great American Figures (That Never Happened) (That We Wish Happened)

“More like a house divided against itself cannot stand another ass whooping like the one I just dished out!  Boooom!  Classic Lincoln-Zinger.  Oh..oh wow, you’re actually…yeah you’re bleeding really bad…Oh…”

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