“I would like to officially announce my candidacy for President of these United States of America.”
No matter what your gold hoarding uncles or temporarily-Libertarian college-aged cousins or Donald Trump might tell you, we live in a Democracy. No, it’s true! Anyone (yes, even you!) can run for President if you really wanted to. Sure, the candidates you hear about in the news are all businessmen or politicians, usually independently wealthy, who gather hundreds of millions of dollars to bombard your TVs with negative ads about their opponents that sort of drown out into white noise after a while, but there are dozens, nay, hundreds of Americans right now who are looking for your vote in a completely legimtate and legally recognized manner. No, seriously. As of the posting of this article, there are 600 Americans who have formally announced their candidacy for President of the United States of America.
Holy shit, right?
Now, naturally all of these people have different levels of commitment to their campaigns—some take it very seriously, raising a few thousand dollars even though deep down they know they don’t have a chance, while others just sort of knee jerk send in their candidacy form and ignore it from thereon out (that’s right, we’re calling you out, Thomas Francis Winterbottom—with a name like that, and three Presidential runs under your belt, you should at least have a personal webpage).
Oh, right, and a bunch of the people running are gloriously, impossibly batshit insane. No, stop it, we’ve already made the cheap Trump joke in this article, that’s all we’re allotted. These people are actively nuts. Let’s learn a bit more about their candidacy, shall we?
The Craziest People Running For President in 2016
Posted in Our Greatest Presidents, Strange America
Tagged 2016 Presidential Election, America, Crazy People, Donald Trump, HRM Caesar St. Augustine De Buonaparte, HRM Caesar St. Augustine De Buonaparte Emperor of the United States of Turtle Island, Jerry Leon Carrol, Johnny Roosevelt, Lil Wayne, President, Presidential Campaign, Presidential Candidate, Princess Khadijah M. Jacob-Fambro, Quancidine Gribble, Tami Stainfield, The no Party, Wait what the fuck why is Lil Wayne tagged in an article about Presidential Candidates?
“I mean, yeah.”
Boston Corbett, when asked “like, are you crazy, or?”
So, let’s talk about history, shall we? American history, naturally, because that’s the best kind, and all you “our church was made in 1103, and our beer has been brewed for a thousand years” European ninnys can hand us the beer, sure, but otherwise shut your damn mouths. American history is great, largely because, and we can’t believe how this gets glossed over in our Social Studies books in elementary school, but it is deeply weird a lot of the time. Like, we once had a president die because he drank a bunch of milk and ate too many cherries. Died! A real honest-to-God Commander-in-Chief died doing an impression of someone who plays Pac Man but keeps wanting to be able to eat the ghosts.
So the point is, American history is awesome, and entertaining, and deeply, deeply weird, and we at America Fun Fact of the Day embrace that, because it means that every day we can come across something we didn’t know that suddenly becomes our new favorite fact.
For example, Boston Corbett, the man who shot and killed Abraham Lincoln’s assassin, was a self-castrated soldier driven mad by mercury poison. Let’s talk about that motherfucker, right? Okay then!
Boston Corbett: The (Insane) Killer Of John Wilkes Booth
Posted in Fighters, Lincoln
Tagged Abraham Lincoln, America, Boston, Boston Corbett, Castration, Civil War, John Wilkes Booth, Oh God We Now Have a Castration Tag On This Site, Thomas Corbett, Thomas P. Corbett
“Oh, he’s still standing. Welp, I’m dead.”
~John Flammang Schrank
We don’t try to hide our infatuation towards Teddy Roosevelt here at America Fun Fact of the Day, and that has very little to do with the fact that great-great-grandsire Johnny Roosevelt is our editor-in-chief here. We’ve extolled his American greatness here before, and the greatness of his children time and time again. The man was badass, to put it bluntly, and we could write in depth AFFotD articles about hundreds of the things he did in his life. But when we think of Teddy Roosevelt, there’s one story in particular which really shows that, as far as unbridled American badasses go, Roosevelt was the cream of the crop, a giant among giants, and the kind of person you most definitely would never want to fuck with.
This is the story about the time someone tried to fuck with Teddy Roosevelt.
The Teddy Roosevelt Assassination Attempt of 1912
Posted in 20th Century Insanity, Roosevelt
Tagged America, Bull Moose, Garret Hobart, John Flammang Schrank, John Schrank, President Taft, Roosevelt, Teddy Roosevelt, Teddy Roosevelt Assassination Attempt, William Howard Taft, William McKinley
“Heh heh. Cox. I mean, Mr. Governer.”
~Presidential Debate Proctor, 1920
As we’ve established time and time again, we’re not the best at math, but as far as we can tell, America has been a country for over 150 years, and has had more than 40 presidents. 43 presidents maybe? 45? Either way, it’s less than 50. And that means that anytime you have the chance to become the President of the Most Powerful Country In The World (pre-2008 division), your name will be in the history books, even if it’s just as a footnote.
The problem with being a part of history is that the first and, in some cases only, thing that we see in a history book is the name of the person. Yes, we know that George Washington had fake teeth and liked to stand up on boats, but the first thing we register about him is his name. George Washington. A strong, authoritative name that screams “Presidential.” Now not all of our Presidents were blessed with such a fitting name (looking at you, Herbert Hoover) but they at least managed to have names that didn’t actively get in the way of their political gains.
Which is why we’re here to focus on those whose name did get in the way. The Presidential candidates that got their names on the ballots, failing to realize that maybe they should have changed their name before making the entire population read their name in the polling booth and suppress a giggle. That’s why we present for you…
The Most Unfortunately Named Politicians To Ever Run For President
Posted in The Best of the Rest, The Other Guys
Tagged America, American Presidents, Barack Obama, FDR, Federalist Party, George Bush, George WAshington, Gerald Ford, Green Clay Smith, Herbert Hoover, Horatio Seymour, James M. Cox, Jimmy Carter, Presidents, Prohibtion Party, Rufus King, Silas C. Swallow, Teddy Roosevelt, Ulysses S. Grant, Wendell Willkie
“Do. Not. Fuck. With. Our. Whiskey.”
~18th Century Americans/19th Century Americans/20th Century Americans/You Get The Gist
America was founded under a few core principles. Now, it’s been a while since we’ve skimmed through the Declaration of Independence, and if you put a gun to our head we’d still not be able to tell you what the Third Amendment of the Constitution does, but we’re pretty sure America is all about life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness through the imbibement of alcohol. Nope, that’s right, we nailed it on the first try, don’t even try to ask Google if that’s right they’ll just steal your cookies and put them on boat servers and sell them to Nigerian Princes (besides being keen historians, we’re also internet experts).
We bring this up because we’d like to tell you about a very important history tale, from America’s distant past. Imagine, if you will, a time when America’s very existence could be threatened by even the smallest of threats. Picture a government trying to tax our booze to pay for war debts. And imagine people rising up and saying, “Get your hands off our fucking booze” with enough anger and violence that it marks the only time that an acting President led troops to battle.
Yes, that’s right, we’re here to talk about the Whiskey Rebellion, the relatively minor yet strangely important hiccup in American history that, naturally, was centered around our nation’s love of alcohol.
Get Your Hands Off My Bottle: A Short History of the Whiskey Rebellion
Posted in Miscellaneous America, Pre-1800 America, Washington, Whiskey and Bourbon
Tagged Alexander Hamilton, America, Clint Eastwood, David Lenox, General John Neville, General Neville, George WAshington, Gran Torino, John Neville, Mingo Creek Association, Pennsylvania, Pittsburgh, Revolutionary War, the Whiskey Rebellion, Washington, Whiskey, Whiskey Rebellion
“hahaha ohhh he said it!”
~Adoring Las Vegas crowds
It’s been a while since you’ve heard from the crew at America Fun Fact of the Day. Part of that is that we’ve been busy working on a reality TV show called “Inside The Lives Of Real Americans” which we got fired from after we went through the entire liquor budget that TLC allowed in two days. And part of that is that, after getting fired, we decided to spend some time in Las Vegas.
“But why Las Vegas, and why am I here as a flimsy humor article rhetorical construct?” you might be screaming at the computer, possibly while soiling yourself. “And seriously, if you’re going to put words in my mouth, please don’t make me seem like some deconstructed ruin of where humanity can fail” you might add while smashing frozen tater tots into a waffle iron and serving the end result on the last clean T-shirt that you own, which happens to be a Pearl Jam Summer Tour 1997 shirt.
But to answer the question of this shambling mess of a human being which we’ve apparently decided to fictitiously create to embody you, the reader, why wouldn’t we go to Las Vegas? It has everything. There are alcoholic drinks that come in glasses a yard long, nothing ever closes, you get free drinks for legally gambling, and you can solicit the services of a prostitute and come to the conclusion that you can never undo the things that you’ve done, and that doesn’t bother you because you’re dead inside.
And, of course, there is the 10PM show of “The New Mr. Las Vegas” himself, George Wallace, at The Flamingo every night. We realized that this man knew comedy in a way that we could only dream of, and we can’t think of a better way to pay him tribute than to give him his very own fun fact, stealing/recycling his jokes so the world can appreciate him without having to pay $30 in Vegas.
George Wallace Has His Mess Right
“I want all of these. No, I want MORE than all of these.”
Ingenuity often comes from the most obvious places. People have liked meth, wolves, and oversized T-shirts for years, but it wasn’t until someone sat down and said, “Hey, let’s put three wolves on a KFC-stained T-shirt” that we collectively said, “Oh, of course” and bought a million shirts from The Mountain. We didn’t know that chocolate could be put into peanut butter, and vice versa, without a combination of divine intervention and mercy killings. So when we were told that Heroes in Action Toys made action figures of American presidents, we weren’t particularly impressed…until they clarified that the presidents were also monsters.
And we immediately wanted to buy all of them.
Yes, it seems so simple in retrospect, but it took a true genius to come up with monster versions of each American president, and it would be a disservice if we didn’t take you through each and every item on the catalog to show you how incredibly American this idea is. You’re welcome.
Heroes in Action Toys Presents: Presidential Monsters
Posted in Lincoln, Strange America, The Other Guys
Tagged Abraham Lincoln, Action Figures, America, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Dracula, Frankenstein, George W. Bush, JFK, Monsters, Mummy, Phantom of the Opera, Presidents, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, Swamp Thing, The Mountain, Vampire, Wolfman, Zombie
“I need to buy all of these. Every. Single. One.”
Art is okay, we guess. It’s one of the classiest ways to see boobs, and if you have a friend that’s deciding to not make money by painting shit for a living, you at least can go to their gallery openings for an evening of free wine and sub-par cheese spreads. And there are plenty of Americans who have added very iconic and significant contributions to the artistic and pop culture world, like that one guy who designed the label for Campbell’s soup.
But if there are kinds of art that we don’t particularly care for (looking at you, 25 foot black canvas with a single silver dot on it), there’s one that we can never get enough of. And that would be images of American presidents and historical figures doing badass things in impossible contexts. We’ve shown some of these images on our site before, but now it’s time we give proper due, thanks to the gentle prodding from Bro Bible, to American digital artist Jason Heuser. Because any man that can depict Ben Franklin with Wolverine claws fighting Zeus deserves our money.
Posted in Jackson, Lincoln, Roosevelt, The Other Guys, Washington
Tagged Abraham Lincoln, America, Andrew Jackson, Ben Franklin, Ernest Hemingway, FDR, JFK, Ronald Reagan, Teddy Roosevelt, Thomas Jefferson
“Do not fuck with me, England.”
George Washington is a lot like Gizmo from Gremlins. He’s a good guy that you don’t want to be on the bad side of, and we’re only assuming that he doesn’t like getting wet. While we’re at it, we’re just going to assume that the both of them hated the British as well.
Well, now we at least know that the Brits are still terrified of Washington. According to a recent poll run by the National Army Museum of the UK to determine who was Britain’s greatest foe of all time, Washington came out in first place. While we wonder who decided to come up with the short list of enemies (Hitler, for example, seems strangely absent) we are pleased that our European allies still go to sleep at night with nightmarish visions of Washington’s wooden teeth and laser vision.
As much as we applaud Washington’s place as the badass of all badasses, as journalists (ha!) it is our sworn (?) duty to delve as deeply into this issue as possible. So, it’s time to begrudgingly compare Washington to the rest of the people England considers their sworn enemy to see if the honor is anything worth getting excited over.
“While other phrases like ‘Mummy Roosevelt’ or ‘Scarecrow Lincoln’ are certainly in play, ‘Zombie Washington’ likely remains the best combination of words in the English Language.”
~The Oxford Dictionary People
Zombies are scientifically the most American monsters out there. Think about it. Werewolves have been phoned in by Benicio Del Toro, certain Vampires fucking glitter, and IRS agents aren’t even given handguns for their job anymore. Yes, Zombies walk this world, and this fine nation, with a singular purpose. Consumerist metaphor Brains. Delicious brains.
But what would have happened if we had taken one of our nation’s founders, and greatest laser-vision-having hero, and zombified the shit out of him? Well, it almost happened, as we recently learned on this io9 article. So sit back, gentle Americans, and prepare yourselves for…
Zombie Washington Prefers British Brains