Category Archives: Miscellaneous America

Do you want to know about America’s craziest patents? How about our worst reality TV shows? Are you curious about competitive beard growing? Do you wonder what that weird boil looking thing on your back is? We can tell you about all of those things (except the last one) and much much more in our Miscellaneous America section.

AFFotD’s Adventure Into Freestyle Rap: “You can call me FDR ‘cause I cripple with my beats/ ain’t no type of polio can keep me off my feet”

Posted on October 28, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Trippin’ like your Sicily, know those bitches into me, ain’t no Marxist giving tree, y’all just call me Mussolini.”

~AFFotD’s History/White Freestyle Rapping expert


AFFotD enjoys drinking, and happens to employ a certain percentage of pigmentationally-challenged individuals.  These Caucasians, or “Honkies” as they prefer to be called, also enjoy drinking, as a borderline alcohol dependency issue is required for your resume to get past our spam filters.  And the sad truth of the matter is, when white people drink, they are ten times more likely to break into God-awful freestyle raps than any other race or ethnicity (except the Japanese).

We’re going to just rip the band-aid right off and tell you that the majority of today’s Fun Fact will be one of our White staff members writing freestyle rap.  We apologize in advance.

You see, the other day we drank, a lot.  Because as the saying goes, “Thursdays are the new Fridays, and we’ve been drinking so much the days are impossible to distinguish anymore.”  And any medical professional would know that the biggest danger you face when consuming large quantities of alcohol is liver damage impaired decision making flash freestyle battles.  And the prize for our winner (who happened to be one of our main history researchers for the site) was that he got to do a freestyle AFFotD.  It’s probably going to be awful.

Oh God, it’s gonna be awful, isn’t it?

AFFotD’s Adventure Into Freestyle Rap:  “You can call me FDR ‘cause I cripple with my beats/ ain’t no type of polio can keep me off my feet”

 

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AFFotD’s Age-Specific Guide to American Halloween Costumes

Posted on October 25, 2011 | 4 comments

“You’re either too old to be Trick-or-Treating, or too young to be dressed as Ashley Dupre.”

~I swear, kids are growing up so fast these days


Halloween is rapidly approaching, a time where women try to show off their figure before they stop going to the gym during the winter and men try to find costumes that are clever enough to allow them to have sex with those aforementioned women, all while children purposely suppress a lifetime of parental advice by going to dozens of stranger’s houses to ask for candy.

Yes, Halloween is a glorious occasion, especially for purveyors of alcohol, candy, and diabetes-related-limb-amputations.  Wiccans used to like it until it “sold out” by getting so commercial, but no one really cares about them, they’re like the hipsters of Pagans.  And while Halloween might be celebrated in other nations, it’s America that uses Halloween to its full potential.  But Halloween is more than simply a pumpkin stabbing occasion to dress sitcom characters in humorous costumes, it serves as America’s rite of passage from childhood into adulthood.

Think about it- your approach to Halloween is greatly determined by your age.  For some, it’s a reason to put on a costume and get some candy.  For others, it’s a reason to put on a costume and get some candy (the italics means that you were supposed to read that second “candy” in like, a super sexy voice.  Like “Imma get some caaaaandy.”  Maybe with a hip thrust or something.  Sexually).  And since AFFotD knows more about living in America than James fucking Brown, we’re here to present you with…

AFFotD’s Age-Specific Guide to American Halloween Costumes

 

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Four Loko on Guitars, Fallout Shelters, and Masonic Decals: [REDACTED] Goes on a Road Trip (Part 2 of 2)

Posted on October 21, 2011 | 1 comment

“Actually…this is kind of my speed.”

~[REDACTED]

It was just yesterday

Where you no doubt read

Of a Midwestern trip

Made by [REDACTED]

As he drove ‘cross the plains

He trembled with feer

He’d made it to Iowa

But had run out of beer.

And as he drove in his Mini

Wishing he was driving truck

He found himself in

The World’s Largest Truck Stop

So we’ll leave you know

To see what [REDACTED] saw

So we’ll finish the tale

Of how he got to…Omaha.

[REDACTED] Visits Omaha (Nebraska)  (Like the Cornhuskers) (It’s in the Midwest, Alright?)  (…Part 2)

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Four Loko on Guitars, Fallout Shelters, and Masonic Decals: [REDACTED] Goes on a Road Trip (Part 1 of 2)

Posted on October 20, 2011 | 2 comments

“…This…seems like it’s a trap.”

~[REDACTED]

Listen, intrepid readers,

To a story of woe and fears

Of our brave soul, [REDACTED]

Who has suffered all these years.

Once a journalist

Of an investigative nature,

He one day found himself…

In quite a Vegan nightmare.

And as the months went on,

He put up with lots of shit…

So AFFotD rewarded him

With a kindly road trip.

Too bad for [REDACTED]

We don’t want him having too much fun

So that’s why we made him

Drive all the way…to Omaha.

[REDACTED] Visits Omaha (Nebraska)  (Like the Cornhuskers) (It’s in the Midwest, Alright?)

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Jack-o-Lanterns: Only American When You Use Pumpkins

Posted on October 14, 2011 | 1 comment

“Wait, you stab it, gut it, and put fire inside it?  Is this something kids do, or serial killers?”

~That’s a good point, actually

Halloween is just around the corner.  Sure it’s still a few weeks away, but it’s gonna be here soon enough that many of you have already planned your costumes, and have a rough idea of where you will go to celebrate it.  And a handful of you have stopped shaving so your facial hair can be used for your eventual costume.  Two weeks of being unable to hit on people will be worth it when they see that pirate beard you’re rocking at the end of October.  Well, it probably won’t, but this is a season where we aide delusions.

Needless to say, the Godless aspects of AFFotD loves the pagan-try of Halloween, so here is yet another AFFotD trying to make Halloween all about us.

With Jack-O’-Lanterns, motherfuckers!

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More Insane American Patents

Posted on October 3, 2011 | 2 comments

“You’d think it never gets old…and it really doesn’t.”

~US Patent Office Worker

 

http://science.discovery.com/top-ten/2009/strange-patents/images/03-strange-patents-fart-pad.jpg

As we’ve previously discussed, American patents are ridiculous expressions of the American spirit.  The patent process is so American that, if you go to the Government’s search engine for patents that came out in the past 40 years and type in “alcohol” you get 414,477 results.  “But AFFotD,” you may be saying as you shudder off a shot of rough whiskey, “alcohol is a common element in medical and chemical research, so that doesn’t really tell us that much.  Okay, fine naysayer, so try searching for “Alcohol and guns.”  1,859 hits!  Hell, even going the redundant route0by searching for “Alcohol and guns and beer” yields you 51 patents.

Yes, Americans love coming up with insane things that have no purpose, but most of them don’t have anything to do with alcohol or guns.  That being said, a surprising amount of American patents were invented by people that have a mannequin named Mother that they use to store their family of pet Pill Bugs.  These inventors magically appear behind you if you say their patent numbers out loud three times into a mirror.  That’s right, we’re here to delve into the very depths of insanity with…

More Insane American Patents

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AFFotD News Item of the Month: The Huffington Post Can Be Quite…PUNNY When Talking About a…HOT DOG of a Tale in the WURST Way and Oh God Just Kill Us Now, It’s A Fucking Story About The World’s Largest Bratwurst Okay? Not a Fucking Convention For Marx Brothers Enthusiasts. GodDAMNit.

Posted on September 23, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Heh…heh…puns.”

~The Huffington Post


Giant penis.  There, glad to get that out of our system.  AFFotD has made it an occasional habit to bring you moderately new “news” stories, if for no other reason than to save you from the terror of reading about something in a newspaper.  So whenever we’re talking about Brewmasters peeing in glasses or people drinking only beer for lent, we’re there…well, a few days later.

So when we see something about a Chicago restaurant setting a world record by making a 47-foot long bratwurst, you can count on us to fill you in, without making you wade through the treacherous sea of awful, cringe-worthy puns that certain articles by the goddamn Huffington Post about it choose to use.

Seriously, there’s more bad puns in the Huffington Post article about this sausage than a clown funeral.  Do clowns even use puns?  Would they say puns at a clown funeral?  We don’t know.  Stop bothering us.  Sausage is another way to describe a penis.

Uh.  Anyway.  Time for the news.

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Posted in America's Largest Everything, Hot Dogs, Hamburgers, Steaks

Ridiculous Drugs That Were Once Medicine: Part 3

Posted on September 12, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Well if the cocaine and heroin doesn’t work, let’s take a step back and give you some booze.”

~Jesus, Doc, you’re gonna make me get all weepy here.  You’re the best, man.


As we’ve stated on several occasions, medicine in the late 19th century and early 20th century was basically one extended game of “I bet you I can get this guy to stick this in his mouth.”  And even then, mouth if you were lucky.  American doctors back then treated the flu the same way European Immigrants treat a rave- they pop in some ecstasy cut with battery acid, put in a pacifier to stop them from grinding their teeth, and rub up against velvet walls for a while.  Plus, everyone in the medicine field looked like this.

Don’t let that beautiful mustache fool you, this kid was twelve years old.  He’s like an olde tyme Doogie Howser.  Goddamn it this era was awesome.  Doctors tried to fix people the same way blind people try to fix cars- with awkward groping and a surprising amount of jammed fingers.  Medicine was just as insane, since even if you excluded all the straight up hard drugs, most medicine looked like it should be drunk from a paper bag by the homeless person on your bus.

In fact, most of it looks…well, looks like something you’d take to suddenly turn into to homeless person on a bus.  Either way, we’re here to salute this phenomenon by showing you even more deliciously deadly medications from the late 19th and early 20th centuries.

We don’t know what any of those words mean, but we’re pretty sure it’s all Latin for “straight up poison.”

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Copper Theft, America’s Favorite Crime

Posted on September 6, 2011 | Leave a comment

“So what if this is a live power station, I’m gonna get this copper wire if it kills m…”

~Last words of this fucker

 

Discovery and profit are no longer mutually inclusive terms.  In fact, as the world gets larger in population but smaller in innovation, the concept of striking it rich and encountering unforeseeable treasures becomes increasingly fantastical.  Gone is the thrill of Magellan’s exploration of uncharted land, increasingly improbable is the opportunistic zeal of the California Gold Rush.

But Americans love adventure, and even more than that, they love earning a lot of money without needing anything as far as “noticeable skill sets” go.  Actually, we don’t even care too much for adventure- mixing alcohol with codeine is all the adventure most of us need for any given weekend- but we do love getting money we don’t earn.  And by that, we mean stealing.  And while you might need some amount of intelligence to con someone, you don’t need to have anything more than a moving truck to earn money in a way that an increasing amount of Americans are (illegally) doing.

Yup, we’re stealing the shit out of copper wire.  And we’re here to salute that.

When you google image search “stealing copper” you see a disturbing amount of charred corpses.  So here’s a picture of a baby bunny rabbit instead.

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Big Face Animal- The Future of Howling Wolf Shirts

Posted on August 30, 2011 | 8 comments

“Whatever, I’m so over the three wolves shirt.  I need something else to ironically show my derision of the trailer park culture.”

~Some fucking hipster


We’ve previously informed you of the powers that Americans receive while wearing a shirt that has wolves on it.  The math equation that determines the abilities you receive in relation to the amount of teeth you have missing and the number of wolves on your shirt is impossible to figure out, because if you’re wearing a wolf shirt you have no business trying to learn what the word “math” means anyway.  If you’re wearing any shirt with wolves on it, every moment you waste saying words that are longer than two syllables is a moment you should be using to discover new types of saturated fats.

Yes, the three wolves howling at the moon shirt is the American equivalent of a Superman costume, or a undershirt soaked through with chicken grease.  It’s a uniform you can use to declare who you are (American) and what you stand for (America) and what your favorite big word is (xenophobia).  But we live in a time where ideals and fashions change at breakneck speed, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that America has outpaced itself in the “ridiculous animals on shirt” department.

We at AFFotD are here to introduce you to the newest way to rebound from your ex-wife getting the double-wide in the divorce settlement…

That’s right.  It’s the Big Face Animals shirt collection by The Mountain.  We know, you’re so happy right now.  Time to dive in and pick out the best, most gloriously American shirts that you know you’re going to spend twenty dollars that smells suspiciously like possum on.

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