Monthly Archives: September 2011

Tagged America, KFC, Saturday Image of the Week, Seen from Space, Wendy's Presents America Fun Fact of the Day

Wendy’s Presents America Fun Fact of the Day 9/8- Behold the Luther Double Down

Posted on September 9, 2011 | 4 comments

“Did you clear this with us? NO! Don’t TALK about that shit on our dollar! Now smear this makeup on and sexy dance for us, there’s a nickel in it for you.”

~Wendy’s Executives

We’re always on the lookout for new and exciting technologies in the area of culinary “OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU EATING PUT THAT DOWN JESUS CHRIST.” Why do we remain so vigilant about discussing America’s most unhealthy foods with you, the vigilant American reader who no doubt had the fortitude to put in a bomb shelter in the 1960s? Is it because fatty food tastes fucking delicious? Sure. Is it due to our longstanding feud with the American Heart Association ever since they decided not to endorse our “Whipped Cream Cannon”? Mayyyybe. But the fact that Wendy’s has been paying us to write about unhealthy food might have something to do with it. That’s why we’re here to install another segment of Wendy’s Presents America Fun Fact of the Day! They make us tell them our deepest, most embarrassing secrets so we can feed their hollow, hollow laughter! The pain will never go away! Wendy’s!

It was our own fault for trying to get our ad revenue from a craigslist ad…

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Posted in Wendy's Presents

Tagged America, american heart association, comedy writers, corporate masters, internet comedy, spicy chicken sandwich, wendy, Wendy's

Wherein AFFotD is all “Bitch, Please” to an Indiana Establishment of Education Which Dares Hoist Itself Above the Very National Anthem of America

Posted on September 8, 2011 | Leave a comment

“And their ass we did kick/ what kind of bullshit is this?”

~Deleted verse from The Star-Spangled Banner

America Fun Fact of the Day has a couple of Newsies in our employ. We’re talking old school, technically-breaking-child-labor-laws Newsies. We force them to read the paper out loud to us because we like to know what’s going on in this fair country but we hate the strained eyeball feeling and stress headaches that we get every time we try to feign literacy.

We don’t make them smoke, but we do pay them extra if they do.

Anyway, today one of our Newsies comes up to us and says, “What would your first reaction be if I told you there was a called in Indiana called (Gee) Goshen College?”

“I’d punch you right in the face for making a cheap Newsie sounding pun,” said Johnny Roosevelt, our editor-in-chief.

That’s when the Newsie read us a little article about the actual (tiny) college, located in Goshen, Indiana, which in its own right isn’t enough to get us riled up. Small college? That’s acceptably American, sure. It’s not like they won’t play the National Anthem because they think it’s too violent or…

Wait, are you fucking serious?

Oh hell no! Let’s rip these fuckers to threads.

Oh, uh, we meant figuratively…

Tagged America, Goshen College, National Anthem, Newsies, Northwestern University

The Informative American’s Guide to the Ills of the Beatnik Menace (originally published October, 1959)

Posted on September 7, 2011 | 1 comment

“Hey, smoking tea, hitting bongo drums, berets eh?”

~Beatniks, probably

Pictured bottom, left

We’ve mentioned the roots of America Fun Fact of the Day previously, we at AFFotD fear the future, and long for the warm, comforting, alcohol-hazed memories of the past. Beer’s been around for 11,500 years, really good beer’s been around two hundred years, and moonshining has been around just about as long. What else do we have to look forward to? Science has already made it abundantly clear they don’t care about our Back to the Future 2 desires for a hovering skateboard, so why should we give a crap about the future?

The “future” means “this terrifying soulless object is going to kill us all.”

So, like most Americans with an archive of company material and a kegerator full of Everclear at their disposal, we’ve decided to go back into our 1950’s archives, when life was simpler and alcohol came without surgeon general’s warnings. We’ve already given you an inside look into 1950’s parenting styles, as well as a helpful guide how to spot communists.

As it turns out, in the 1950’s AFFotD, previously known as “The Informative American” had a lot of helpful guides about the menaces of society. Which makes it remarkably comprehensive, because apparently in the 1950’s everything was a menace. Communists were a menace, cars from Japan were a menace, stores that chose to stay open during Sundays were a menace. And in this instance, the menace we were reading up on came from a 1959 article decrying the latest “menace” to hit American popular culture.

Today, we have hipsters. In the 70s, we had hippies. But back in the Leave it to Beaver age, the most terrifying thing imaginable was…running into a Beatnik, the stereotypical archetype that exhibited the more superficial tendencies of the Beat Generation. Berets, coffee, bongo drums, bad poetry, basically we’re dealing with Ned Flanders’ father here.

Well, we thought it was interesting to hear why they were everything wrong with America, so that’s why we present to you, straight from our archives…

The Informative American’s Guide to the Ills of the Beatnik Menace (originally published October, 1959)

“What are you doing to Kermit, you damned beatnik!?”

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Posted in The Informative American

Tagged America, Beatnik, Coffee, Kerouac, The Informative American

Copper Theft, America’s Favorite Crime

Posted on September 6, 2011 | Leave a comment

“So what if this is a live power station, I’m gonna get this copper wire if it kills m…”

~Last words of this fucker

Discovery and profit are no longer mutually inclusive terms. In fact, as the world gets larger in population but smaller in innovation, the concept of striking it rich and encountering unforeseeable treasures becomes increasingly fantastical. Gone is the thrill of Magellan’s exploration of uncharted land, increasingly improbable is the opportunistic zeal of the California Gold Rush.

But Americans love adventure, and even more than that, they love earning a lot of money without needing anything as far as “noticeable skill sets” go. Actually, we don’t even care too much for adventure- mixing alcohol with codeine is all the adventure most of us need for any given weekend- but we do love getting money we don’t earn. And by that, we mean stealing. And while you might need some amount of intelligence to con someone, you don’t need to have anything more than a moving truck to earn money in a way that an increasing amount of Americans are (illegally) doing.

Yup, we’re stealing the shit out of copper wire. And we’re here to salute that.

When you google image search “stealing copper” you see a disturbing amount of charred corpses. So here’s a picture of a baby bunny rabbit instead.

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Posted in Strange America

Tagged America, copper theft, Copper Wire, pandas, puppies

[REDACTED] Does Labor Day

Posted on September 5, 2011 | 1 comment

“You hear me? I’m not fucking around with soccer this time, assholes!”

~Redacted

Everyone has a whipping boy. Bart Simpson has Milhouse, Linguini has spaghetti. America has Canada. AFFotD has…[REDACTED]. The last few times you’ve heard from him we strapped him to an operating table like a convicted rapist in the Clockwork Orange universe and made him live-blog some women’s soccer games. Yes, we are particularly cruel, but what would you expect from someone who made his AFFotD eating fucking vegan food?

But there’s only so much you can push someone before they snap. And we’ve seen enough drunken beach invasions to know what happens when [REDACTED] snaps on us. So we try to keep him happy. Throw him a bone once or twice.

Here’s a step-by-step description of [REDACTED]‘s Labor Day. It’s good to be the king.

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Posted in [REDACTED]

Tagged America, Bourbon, Deep Fried Snickers, Hamburger, Labor Day, Pappy Van Winkle, Redacted

America Fun Fact of the Day 9/4- september 4th in American history

Posted on September 4, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Goddamn it, it’s labor day. Why are you in the office?”

~Johnny Roosevelt

As you may be aware, tomorrow is Labor Day. So not only is no one working today, but no one is even thinking of working tomorrow either. We’re pretty much the same way. So we’re going to do our standard...

Today’s Date in American History

Tagged America, Today in American History

America Fun Fact of the Day 9/3- Saturday’s Image of the Week

Posted on September 3, 2011 | Leave a comment

“In these parts, there be monsters.”

~Very possibly a Johnny Depp movie

As you’re aware, it’s Saturday, which means AFFotd is going to sexually assault your viewholes with some intensely American picture. It could be a car sideways inside a van. Could be Teddy Roosevelt killing Bigfoot. Could be, uh, this?

A question asked by many a heartbroken prison inmate. Have a good weekend, everyone.

Tagged America, Children's Book, Salad, Saturday Image of the Week, Tossed Salad

America Fun Fact of the Day’s Back-to-School Special

Posted on September 2, 2011 | Leave a comment

“I have to go to school? That’s bullshit.”

~You watch your fucking mouth, young man

Holy shit, America, it’s already September. And you know what that means. As we get to the time of the year that you’re either not supposed to wear white or you’re allowed to wear white again (we really can’t keep Labor Day and Memorial Day straight), the younger Americans, or younglings if you will, are forced to undergo an arduous nine month torture known as “Education.” That’s right, schools are oppressively well lit buildings where kids have to sneak to the bathroom to smoke and drink, and in the meantime they are forced to read books.

We even once heard that they teach Math there.

School is bullshit. Abraham Lincoln didn’t go to school, and he did just fine for himself. The only reason we go to school is so we can go to college, which National Lampoon films have informed us are only inhabited by cranky deans and attractive young people who are eager to get naked.

Anyway, it’s time for youngsters to get back to school, that’s why AFFotD is here to provide you kiddos with…

AFFotD’s Back-to-School Special!

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Tagged Alcohol, America, Back to School, School

America’s Goofiest Pictures of American Presidents (Part Two: 1861-1933)

Posted on September 1, 2011 | 1 comment

“No, but seriously, you’re not gonna put any goofy pictures of me, right?”

~George W. Bush

As we discussed in yesterday’s fun fact, anyone can have a bad picture taken of them. And the more pictures taken of you, the better the chance that you’ll come off looking less than flattering. And who gets more pictures taken of them than anyone? Actors and models. Oh right, well yeah, but apart from that? POTUS, motherfuckers. Here’s our continuing list of goofy Presidential photos, from Herbert Hoover to Abe Lincoln.