Tag Archives: George WAshington

America Fun Fact of the Day 7/3- July 3rd in American History

“You want us to do a fun fact?  We’re too busy getting the ambulances on stand-by for when we celebrate July 4th, dammit.”

~AFFotD staff

As the cases of beers in your fridge and the excessive amounts of meat in your freezers are now doubt telling you, tomorrow is the goddamned 4th of July.  You’re going to be drunk on beer, fireworks, and more beer.  We will too.  The difference is that we love to pregame.  So we’re just going to bide our tie with…
Today’s American Day in American History (America Edition)

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American Presidential Home Brewers

“Gonna getchya drunk, bitches.”

~George Washington


We expect a lot from our Presidents.  Sign this bill, kill this terrorist, take a lengthy vacation, sign this other bill, cover up that murder committed by your cousin, give a presidential pardon to a turkey on Thanksgiving, it can be quite a chore.  And many American Presidents have had to find their own creative ways to let off some steam while on the job.  Richard Nixon had his voyeuristic taping habits.  Bill Clinton had chubby chicks.  Jimmy Carter would club homeless people over the head and trap them inside the drywall of houses made for the poor.

However, there is a little known Presidential hobby that is becoming increasingly popular, and results in a lot less collateral damage than Jimmy “My Kindly Southern Disposition Hides a Sinister Past” Carter.

That’s right.  Presidents like to brew beer.  USA!  USA!

“Osama’s dead!  I mean…beer!”

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AFFotD News Item: Man Consumes Only Beer For Lent

“Dude…I’m too tired to be mad at you.”

~J. Wilson’s Liver

Every so often, our research department comes across an article headline that screams “America.”  We usually look for certain buzz words.  “Alcohol.”  “Punching Animals.”  “Man Causes Forest Fire.”  The typical American-friendly topics.  That’s why, when we stumbled across this article, we saw America pouring out of every letter of the headline.

“Beer-Only Fast Ends With Bacon Smoothie.”

…Sorry, give us a moment, there’s a little bit of America in our eye…we just need to regain our composure…

“I’m just…so…happy…”

Obviously, this was a story that required all the due deference and measured realism that only a staff of zealous Americans with drinking problems and a penchant for dick jokes could truly tackle, so we’ve arrived on the scene to give a  brief summary of these actions that sound so American that they made the skeleton of George Washington just shotgun a beer.

Yes.  This.

America Fun Fact of the Day 4/3- April 3rd in American History

“You know the deal, people.  Just post some random shit that happened today.”

~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief

As we discussed in last week’s America Fun Fact of the Day, we really like to half-ass things on the weekend.  Yeah, we’ve got our vodka swimming pool and condor egg omelets to worry about, but we do try to give ourselves a moment to make sure to let you know what has happened on each Sunday in America.  So, without further ado, here is…

The American History of April 3rd in America

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The Washington Monument is Very Serious and Doesn’t Look Like Anything Else. At All.

“I’m not saying I am clearly a hit with the ladies, but…*points*”

~George Washington

George Washington was part warlock, part astronaut, and 100% American badass.  His laser vision often destroyed waves upon waves of British soldiers, and his laser foresight vision helped blast a searing hole of plasma into the future to ensure that America could grow and become the country we know and love today.  So it comes as little surprise that in 1832, after much hemming and hawing among baffling political parties who were “Anti-Washington,” our fine nation decided to commemorate the memory of one of our greatest founding fathers with a National monument in the form of the world’s largest penis obelisk penis.

This is the story of that giant erect phallus.

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Wherein AFFotD Decries the Slanderous Insinuations of American Prominence Perpetrated by the Fiendish Fortune Magazine: A Rebuttal of Fortune Magazine’s 100 Great Things About America List

“Are you shitting me, Fortune Magazine?  Hey, guys, from now on we’re using this fucking list as toilet paper.”

~Johnny Roosevelt, Editor-in-Chief of AFFotD

Believe it or not, despite the existence of the America Fun Fact of the Day, there are other publications that make it a hobby to try to tell us, Americans, what constitutes being American.  Now, we have to ask you, do High School Basketball coaches go to Michael Jordan to give him pointers?  Fuck no, Jordan would use his cigar to scald their retinas.  Does the editor of a grade school newspaper tell Ernest Hemingway how to write?  The one time that happened, the kid went missing and was never seen again.  But yet, we have assholes like Fortune fucking magazine trying to post a “Independence Day 2010” article about “The Top 100 Great Things About America.”  They’d be better off getting a slug to write an exposé about taking a salt bath.  Our researchers stumbled across this little gem and immediately were stricken with a hate boner.  It’s like rigor mortis for when you see dreams die.  This article so offends us we can’t even think coherently!   Fuuuuuuuuuck!

THIS is the LEAD PHOTO for the whole damn article.  A clown desecrating the American flag by blowing out of a FUCKING VUVUZELA!  THAT GET SHIT OUT OF OUR HOUSE!

So let’s look at the highlights of their “list.”  And may God have mercy on their souls.

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