Black Friday Article Suggestions

Posted on November 25, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Hung…over…just…phone it in…”

~Official AFFotD Memo

It’s Black Friday!  You’re all either getting over the excessive food and drink of yesterday, or you’re in line punching out meth heads trying to get an Xbox 360 for $99.  The teeth, America.  Go for the teeth.  That’s their weakness.

To get you through this we’re not going to “write original content” today.  Here’s a link of some of our favorite fun facts of the past year.

Steak is delicious.  Read our most viewed article (yes, even more than the homepage) about the various ways to eat steak here. 

Hey remember when Chicago brewery Goose Island was purchased by Budweiser and then the brewmaster there got drunk and pissed in a glass?  We do.

How many douchebags does it take to kill a hobo?  Uh, more than you’d guess, as seen in this source article for a cracked.com entry.

Did someone take your shopping experience a bit too far?  ANARCHY!  ANARCHY!  ANARCHY!

Jim Bowie will fuck you up.

If you don’t know who C. Dale Petersen is, you absolutely should read this.

Are You American?

Vegans restaurants hate America, and you should too.  Behold, the birth of [REDACTED]

This bastard thinks America is doomed.  We call him Sackless McGee.

And Finally, start our tour through America’s Midwest with our American Trip Series.

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Posted in America's Greatest Fun Facts

Happy Thanksgiving, From AFFotD (Now with 100% more: FACTS)

Posted on November 24, 2011 | 1 comment

“YES I AM AWARE HOW SIMILAR THIS IS TO THE STANDOFF SCENE IN RESEVOIR DOGS I DO NOT CARE I AM GETTING THAT LAST DRUMSTICK.”

~Typical American family member on Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a beautiful lie told to American families to give them an excuse to watch football as they drink enough to get into yelling arguments with their family while they eat enough Turkey knock you out mid-fight.  Thanksgiving was invented as a way for families to work out their issues before “group therapy” became a thing, and if you’re still clinging to the myth of the first Thanksgiving being an idealistic sharing of cultures, we’ve got some bad news for you.  But that shouldn’t come as too much of a shock to you- it’s just like Santa Claus, a nice myth to help you get in the Holiday spirit.

Yes Thanksgiving is a wonderous American occasion, and if you’re reading this right now, we have one question for you.  What are you doing, you fools, you should be drunk by now!  If you’re saying, “But AFFotD, I am drunk” we’d retort that if we could clearly comprehend the sentence you just uttered, so you’re nowhere close to Thankgiving drunk.

Yes, we’ll let you know some interesting facts about Thanksgiving, we guess.  But only if it’s combined with spiced cider and enough Thanksgiving food to give John Wayne a Coronary.

Happy Thanksgiving, From AFFotD (Now with 100% more:  FACTS)

 

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Posted in Miscellaneous America

Money From America’s Past

Posted on November 23, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Am I allowed take a bath in all the printed money before we send it out?”

~The U.S. Mint

Many people believe that “money makes the world go round” (of course the American thinker Greg Galileo would tell you that Atlas’ rippling shoulder muscles make the world go round, but we digress) but what they of course mean to say is that American money can get you anything you want.  Panama, Ecuador, and El Salvador all actually use America’s money as their own currency, and American currency has always been the strongest, most stable currency in the world (and for those of you saying that the dollar is “weak” and that “Canada’s dollar is now more valuable” we say…shut up shut up we can’t hear you lalalalala).

But as badass as American money is (shut up, European Union) American dollar bills from the past were even more badass.  How could they be more badass than what we have now, you might wonder.  Hell, our cheapest dollar bill still has George Washington’s laser vision on the damn thing.  Was earlier currency worth, like a billion dollars?

Okay maybe not so much, but early dollars featured sideboob and electricity, which our current bills are sorely lacking.  That’s why we’re going to take a glimpse into the past and examine…

Money From America’s Past

 

Gangsta.

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Posted in Strange America

Tofurkey: Enemy Spy, or Just Terrible Thanksgiving Food Option?

Posted on November 22, 2011 | 3 comments

“It’s war.”

~American Poultry Farmers

We all love America.  What’s not to like?  There are waterfalls, shopping malls, and there’s this one woman who will drag you around town in a red wagon all day for just two hundred bucks.  You might say that we have a tendency to get a little “heated” when talking about certain topics that we have deemed to be “Un-American.”  We’re just passionate, that’s all.  Do we take it too far sometimes when we say things like, “Vegans are baby eating soul suckers who are trying to destroy us all?”  No, not at all, every single fucking word of that is 100% true, and we regret nothing.

That’s why we feel a deep sense of shame when something that we love (Thanksgiving) has one of its best things (…booze?  Oh right, turkey) hijacked by the physical manifestation of all of our nightmares (vegans) and turned into filth that would be turned away by a sewage processing plant (pictured above).  That’s right, we’re talking about the Tofurky, because we care about you, Americans, and if you know someone who had eaten Tofurky before, we hate to tell you, but it’s too late for them.  Remember to remove the head or destroy the brain.  It might look like your loved one, but they’re not inside there anymore.

What’s worse, that this looks strangely like haggis, or that haggis sounds infinitely more palpable?

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Posted in Miscellaneous America

AFFotD News Item of the Month: PIZZA IS A VEGETABLE!!!!!!

Posted on November 21, 2011 | 1 comment

“Ketchup is a VEGETABLE.”

~Jeff Winger

“Eat your vegetables.”  As an American child, you no doubt had that phrase condescendingly said to you just moments before everything turned red and when you woke up the man in the police uniform was asking all those pointed questions about where the school’s nutrition councilor has gone.  If your parents ever tried to make you eat Brussels sprouts, you’re legally allowed to emancipate yourself.  The point we’re trying to make is that we as a country hate vegetables- there’s a reason why no self-respecting American would ever eat a salad unless the word “Taco” was involved somehow.

Yes, it should come as no surprise that we at AFFotD, who employ “fuck nature” as a mantra and constantly express our love of fried foods and liquor, are not particularly fond of vegetables.  And why should we be?  If you think about  it, vegetables are horrendously disgusting.  Vegetables come from the ground, which means that we’re eating something that basically spent a large portion of its existence living in dirt.  That’s gross.  Dirt is where worms fuck.  Would you want to eat something that grew out of Dennis Rodman’s sex swing?  We didn’t think so.

Our hatred of vegetables is deeply rooted.  We’d also like to think it’s deeply American.  And thankfully, some lawmakers agree with us on that front.  Why else would they attempt to classify pizza as a vegetable?

…Hold on a second…sorry…we… we promised we wouldn’t cry.  We’re just so happy.  So proud.  Here’s your fun fact.

AFFotD News Item of the Month:  PIZZA IS A VEGETABLE!!!!!!

 

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America Fun Fact of the Day 11/20- November 20th in American History

Posted on November 20, 2011 | 1 comment

“I can’t even think straight I just want to eat Turkey.”

~AFFotd Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt

Look at that little spot on the map.  the 24th.  Turkey day.  Goddamn it we’re so excited.  Do you know we have someone on staff whose only job is to kill turkeys the week of Thanksgiving?  We only need like, 5 of them to feed the office.  And we pay him $40,000 to do that.  And that’s after he’s explicitly told us he’d do it for free.  We didn’t care.  We wanted to pay him to kill birds for a week.  That’s our right, goddamn it.  It’s our right.

Anyway, here’s what happened today in the past.

Today in American History (America Version)

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America Fun Fact of the Day 11/19- Saturday Image of the Week

Posted on November 19, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Ha, I think this broke the part of my brain that tells me if stuff is offensive of not.”

~AFFotD’s Censorship Bureau

So apparently people had a problem with this shirt for a logging festival.  We don’t see who would consider it offensive.

Oh right.  Have a good weekend, everyone.

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AFFotD’s News Item of the Month: America’s Meat Vending Machine

Posted on November 18, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Oh great, we’re giving the machines fucking knives now?”

~John Connor

As Americans, we’re better than most people at just about everything, though Japan has us edged out in the “being weird” categories.  For the longest time, Japan took their “being weird” expertise and used them to perfect the art of the Vending Machine.  While Americans use vending machines for their fatty snacks, sugary drinks, and cancery-y cigarettes, Japan took one look at the concept and thought to themselves, “panties.”

And since vending machines with soiled panties isn’t quite Japanese enough, they decided to add vending machines that sell lobsters, eggs, porn and, fuck it, cars.  Japan overreacted to us coming up with the idea of vending machines like we overreacted to Pearl Harbor by using Little Boy.

But, in our own small way, we may have finally caught up to the Japanese in the vending machine field.  You could even say we’ve outdone them.  It’s all part of this month’s…

AFFotD’s News Item of the Month:  America’s Meat Vending Machine

 

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Theodore Roosevelt, Jr.: Businessman, Soldier, Politician, Badass American. So, Basically, His Father’s Son

Posted on November 17, 2011 | 7 comments

“Let’s be honest.  You’d be more surprised if I had a kid that DIDN’T go on to do anything worthwhile.”

~Teddy Roosevelt

As we’ve discussed previously in our fun fact regarding Teddy Roosevelt’s surprisingly attractive daughter Alice, Teddy Roosevelt made it his duty to ensure that America had at least 6 carriers of the Teddy Roosevelt gene going around to make the world awesome.  Teddy Roosevelt’s children were blessed with advantages that many of us could only dream of.  Impressive moustache growing abilities.  The strength of five men.  The knowledge that it was physically impossible to be bullied during your childhood because every time someone tried to punch you, a mythic force known only as “Roosevelt Waves” would shatter every bone in the hand of the would-be attacker.

While some Roosevelts used this advantage better than others, they all still have given us enough reason to write about each and every one of them as we continue our series of Teddy’s Tots with a fun fact discussing Teddy Roosevelts second oldest child, and his eldest son.  All hail the man with the name that could open a thousand doors…

Theodore Roosevelt, Jr.:  Businessman, Soldier, Politician, Badass American.  So, Basically, His Father’s Son.

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Cranberries Can Getchya Drunk

Posted on November 16, 2011 | 1 comment

“This truly is an admirable little berry, tart in complexion, and sure to be an easy way to get the ladies smashed if you mix it with vodka.”

~Sir Walter Raleigh

 

A week from Thursday, all of us will take a well earned break to drink, watch football and/or cook, and gain a solid 10 pounds of turkey weight before falling into a food coma that will go unrivaled until next year.  That’s right, Thanksgiving is upon us, a day when we as Americans reflect about all the things we are thankful about.  The top of the list generally is “Being Amrrrican”, and that’s because you’re proud, and you should be.  We as a nation devour billions of pounds of turkey each year, and Thanksgiving is one of the reasons why we’ve inbred those flightless birds to the point where they peak at the mental capacity of a lima bean.

But, as much as Turkey is championed as the staple of American Thanksgiving deliciousness (and it will be getting its own fact of the day at some point, fear not loyal readers), there is one seemingly insignificant little berry that has enough America per square inch that when you squeeze it, it leaks out 1/3 of the colors of the American flag.  It can be mixed with your booze, and it can be served gelatinously from a can, and no matter what, it is delicious, and it is American.

We of course are referring to the cranberry.

Seen here markedly improving very shitty liquor.

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