Holy Mother of Cow, It’s the World’s Largest Hamburger!

Posted on December 6, 2011 | 6 comments

“Weighing in at over 300 pounds, this 3 foot tall hunk of meat….”

~A Porn actress’s nightmare

It should come as no surprise to you that we at the America Fun Fact of the Day have a pretty well-established love of Hamburgers.  We also love needless excess.  Show us the person who would say that we’re “wasting our time” making and selling the world’s largest gummy bear and we’ll show you a sad individual whose dream of making and selling the world’s largest gummy bear was likely dashed by diabetes.

America loves unhealthy things, and we love lots of unhealthy things far more.  When someone tells us something has 540,000 calories, our response is generally, “I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat yourself, I just climaxed.”

But, to quote the guy from Queens who thought we just insulted him in that last sentence, “I got your 540,000 calories riiiiight here.”  And he does.  Or at least we do.  And by “we” we mean to say “Detroit”.  In the form of…

Holy Mother of Cow, It’s the World’s Largest Hamburger!

Pictured, from left to right:  Ingredient, Ingredient, Hamburger, Psychopath chef

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America’s Guide to Non-Alcoholic Beer, Wine, and Liquor

Posted on December 5, 2011 | 19 comments

“And I shall banish this evil from the land.”

~He who shall save us from our darkest hour

 

Drinking alcohol is not only a delicious and helpful way to forget about your troubles, it also happens to be crucially important to all of America.  Without alcohol, churches wouldn’t be able to drink Jesus, baseball stadiums would be empty, and our birth rates would drop considerably.  It is responsible for the popularity of bowling, golf, and attractive female bartenders.  Alcohol is, in a word, essential.  It is our nation’s lifeblood.

Which is why this post will be distressing to many of you.

For as great as alcohol is as a way to cure you of your boredom, inhibitions, or not-having-cirrhosis tendencies, there are people out there that spurn alcohol.  While that itself is a shock to our sensibilities, they compound they issue by…by…

…By making non-alcoholic versions of booze.

 

“NON-alcoholic beer?  I’ll KILL YOU

That is why we are here to warn you, the vigilant American reader, about these threats to our society.  And if you happen to see any of the following products for sale in a grocery store, you are within your legal rights to burn the place to the ground.  It’s in the constitution, look it up.  And now, with much trepidation, we present to you…

The Guide to Non-Alcoholic Beer, Wine, and Liquor

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America Fun Fact of the Day 12/4- December 4th in American History

Posted on December 4, 2011 | 1 comment

“December.  On the plus side- Christmas.  On the down side- winter.”

~Farmer’s Almanac

December has come, meaning that winter is fast approaching.  Unless you live south of the equator, but truth be told we’re not 100% convinced that anyone actually lives down there.  So as we brace for the winter, we take comfort in spending the cold months with our friends, loved ones, and whiskey was the second thing we just said.

And of course you will have fun facts to get you through these harsh winter months.  Well not today though.  Today we’re half-assing it again so we can present…

Today’s Date in American History (America Version)

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America Fun Fact of the Day 12/3- Saturday Image of the Week

Posted on December 3, 2011 | Leave a comment

“AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

~You

Happy Saturday everyone.  Prepare to be freaked the fuck out by an insect large enough to eat a whole carrot.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Have a good weekend, everybody.

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Ethel Roosevelt Derby: Nurse, Philanthropist, and Preserver of the Roosevelt Legacy

Posted on December 2, 2011 | 2 comments

“I decided to sire a child every time I killed an elephant.  I’m sure my wife was glad that there were only six elephants in American zoos at the time.”

~Teddy Roosevelt

As you’ve seen in our three previous articles about the children of Teddy Roosevelt, the man did this country a service by creating a miniature army of super Americans.  Roosevelt children defied gender roles, stormed Normandy into their 50s, and navigated mysterious Amazonian rivers like it was nothing.  So as we continue our ongoing Teddy’s Tots series we look into the Roosevelt Daughter who shied away from the limelight…and in doing so still ended up being the first Roosevelt to show up for World War I.

Because you do not fuck with the Roosevelts.

Ethel Roosevelt Derby: Nurse, Philanthropist, and Preserver of the Roosevelt Legacy

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AFFotD Discusses and Interprets the 10 Most Shoplifted Items of 2011

Posted on December 1, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Come on man, just put this hat in your shirt and walk out.  Don’t you want to be cool like us?”

~The Cool Kids

People steal shit.  If that surprises you, we’re sorry.  Here are a few more doozies for you:  People enjoy sex, fast food is unhealthy, and emails from strangers with a poor grasp on English asking for money tend not to have honest intentions.  Welcome to the real world, junior, we play for keeps.

Yes, there many categories of theft, but the most commonly occurring one would have to be shoplifting.  And in this economy, it should come as no surprise that there was a 6% increase in reported shopliftings between 2010 and 2011.  Shoplifting is so rampant in this country that there is even an organization called the National Association for Shoplifting Prevention, or NASP, whose sole purpose is to deter you from shoplifting while maintaining a website that doesn’t understand how color schemes work.

So when Adweek posted an article about the top 10 most shoplifted items, we were interested.  Not because it is American to shoplift (it’s not) but because it’s Americans doing the shoplifting, and we secretly hoped that they were at least picking out things that fell into our definition of “Hell yes, that’s American.”

And for the most part they did.  That’s why, we here at AFFotD are here to present…

AFFotD Discusses and Interprets the 10 Most Shoplifted Items of 2011

 

That’s a really harsh punishment.  Letting everyone know you shop at Walmart.  Yeesh.

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The Greatest Fights Between Great American Figures (That Never Happened) (That We Wish Happened)

Posted on November 30, 2011 | Leave a comment

“You want a piece of me?  COME ON, ASSHOLES!  WHO WANTS A PIECE OF ME!”

~Gandhi

We Americans try to act civilized and focus on the finer things in life, like a nice aged scotch or photoshopping actresses’ faces onto photos of naked women, but despite our efforts to contain our savage impulses, we do love a good fight.  There’s nothing wrong with that—fighting is a healthy and natural way to vent anger, settle disputes, and teach assholes not to drive on the highway with their blinker on the whole time.  The mere existence of fighting is responsible for 100% of all instances where someone shouts, “Yeah you better run,” which is one of the more underappreciated American sentences in existence.

If you ever doubt America’s hidden yearning to watch people bash the ever-loving bile out of each other, just ask any American male why he likes the movie Fight Club.

“The anti-capitalist metaphor, man, I like that it’s against consumerism,” they might say.

No, why do you really like Fight Club?

“Uh, Edward Norton and Brad Pitt give incredibly nuanced…”

No.  Why do you really like the movie?

“Because of the fighting!  Because they fight!  In a club!  Oh God, why did daddy leave, why did daddy have to leave us?”

Woah, that got dark.  Since segues are for the French and people who lack confidence about their sexual virility (ha, but didn’t we say “the French” already?  Burn) just know that today’s fun fact is…

The Greatest Fights Between Great American Figures (That Never Happened) (That We Wish Happened)

“More like a house divided against itself cannot stand another ass whooping like the one I just dished out!  Boooom!  Classic Lincoln-Zinger.  Oh..oh wow, you’re actually…yeah you’re bleeding really bad…Oh…”

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Kermit Roosevelt: Explorer, Soldier, Author, American

Posted on November 29, 2011 | 3 comments

“To be honest, we shouldn’t be talking about the Kennedys, we should be talking about the Roosevelts.”

~Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt, who is in no way biased

Having learned about the incredible badassary behind the first two children of Theodore Roosevelt, Alice and Teddy Jr., it’s of little surprise that America was able to annex the moon in the 1960’s (pshh, don’t pretend it “doesn’t belong to any country” there’s a damn US flag on the thing, we get first rights to all the moon rocks and space hookers).  Is it surprising to you that Roosevelt gave birth to six children who came to adulthood around the time where America was beginning to become a world power?  We’d suspect it’d only be surprising if you’re the kind of person who is surprised to see a bullet come out of a loaded gun when you pull the trigger.

Yes, the spawn of Roosevelt have shaped America in a myriad of ways, which is why we continue our series of Teddy’s Tots to look into the individual American contribution of each one of Roosevelt’s sons.  Today we look at Kermit Roosevelt, the most unfortunately named Roosevelt with the most unfortunate life.  Despite his lifelong issues with depression, he was still able to show us what being an American was about, which is why we salute…

Kermit Roosevelt:  Explorer, Soldier, Author, American

 

Seen here while in the middle of saying “I am SO getting laid tonight.”

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[REDACTED]’s Thanksgiving

Posted on November 28, 2011 | Leave a comment

“This is how we do it, America.”

~[REDACTED]

We all know [REDACTED] by this point.  Contrary to popular belief, we don’t always just make him do terrible, awful things.  Well, okay we absolutely do, but every once and a while he gets out of his shackles and spends some American time on his own.  And in the case of Thanksgiving, he decided to take some poor-resolution photos and send us a description of his Thanksgiving.  While we’re pretty impressed, we’re not jealous- our office’s Thanksgiving celebration involves turning metals into liquor and enough Turkey beheadings to technically qualify as an international act of aggression.

That being said, we have absolutely no issues letting you in on the booze and gluttony that is…

[REDACTED]’s Delicious Thanksgiving

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America Fun Fact of the Day 11/27- November 27th in American History

Posted on November 27, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Oh so we’re still doing this?”

~AFFotD Staff

So it’s another Sunday, so it’s another day to just blandly point out what has happened previous in this day’s history.  but this is the Sunday after Thanksgiving.  It normally isn’t this early.  So what we’re trying to say is…we’re still drunk.  Amuse yourself by watching this video.  Here’s the deal with…

Today’s Date in American History

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Posted in Today in American History