“Make it about Santa, you bastards!”
~People Who Like Christmas
“There are other holidays too, you guys!”
~Ugh, Seriously You Guys?
We’re not going to do that bullshit “Happy Holidays” thing. Tomorrow is Christmas. That’s exciting.
Anyway, here’s a picture for Christmas…and hey, since it’s Hanukkah/Chanukah/spelling is overrated, we’ll put a picture of that too.
That’s right folks. A DOUBLE Image of the week. Merry Christmas.
Posted in Saturday Image of the Week
“But do you recall, the most badass, American reindeer of all?”
~Burt Ives
When your profession consists of being American, and spreading your Americanness across the expanse of the internet, it’s easy to let the holiday season slip away. That’s why we have the most expensive, badass advent calendar ever created at our America Fun Fact of the Day offices, so that the hard workers of the AFFotD can spend their December being showered in sports cars, caviar, and IOUs for sexual favors from Hollywood’s most attractive stars and starlets. We started things off with a bang on December 1st. Literally, when our official Creepy AFFotD Office Guy, Steve Buscemi opened the door, a midget was shot out of a cannon right into his stomach. It was hilarious, Steve made a woodchipper in Fargo joke, and the midget complained about how hungry and weak he felt after being trapped in that cannon without food for like three weeks.
Anyway, we could go on about how badass and American this advent calendar was, or about its hefty price tag, or about that time that a Bruce Springsteen concert was our advent for December 14th, but that’d be getting ahead of things. Today, our advent was the ability to meet, and talk to, the one animal associated with Christmas that is more American than Santa Claus eating a KFC Double Down while participating in a fight club in International Waters. We almost didn’t recognize him when he sprang out, decked in camouflage fatigues, smoking a ten inch cigar and violently headbutting a Russian repeatedly in the groin. But when the comrade collapsed, blacking out from the pain, we saw the beast’s unmistakable, glorious red, glowing nose.
It was Rudolph the motherfucking reindeer.
“Sup girl. How you livin?”
“You’d be amazed how smashed you can get off eggnog when you’re tweaking on a week’s worth of sugar.”
~American dentists
Christmas is just around the corner, which means a handful of you get to take advantage of your opportunity to be a massive asshole by putting coal in your kid’s stocking just to see the look on the little bastard’s face. Really dude? You’re going that route? You think that shit’s funny? How do you even procure a hunk of coal to do that? You suck, and your kids are going to put you in one of the cheapest homes in town when your mind starts to go. But for the rest of you, Christmas is a time for friends, family, and alcohol but we said that one two times already.
But Christmas is more than just about presents and liquor. It’s about tradition. And obesity. Both of which can be seen as we investigate…
America’s Greatest Holiday Candy Traditions
Don’t worry, not all of them will look like penises. This one will, though.
Posted in America's Best Foods
Tagged America, Candy Cane, Christmas, Figgy Pudding, Gingerbread, Gingerbread Cookie, Rum Cake
“I mean, you can run with this, but it better not devolve into a whole thing calling individual women ugly or anything.”
~Johnny Roosevelt
Okay listen, by this point you know the deal. If you drink and can at least hollowly echo our dislike of French people, we’ll get along fine. Hell, even if you don’t drink but are like “fuck the French” we’ll not actively dislike you (but lord knows we won’t trust you). But if you want to piss us off, you actively try to stop people from drinking. Or, you know, try to save baby seals or whatever. Fuck nature, they had enough chances, this isn’t Wall Street, we’re not here to bail out idiot penguins that didn’t realize that we were shuttling oil through a dangerous sea passage.
Yeah, FUCK you, penguins.
All that being said, we try not to talk about hot button issues necessarily. Especially religion. Because religion will breed conversations between zealots and assholes (yeah we’re looking at you, people who make a “flying spaghetti monster” joke as soon as someone mentions church) and no one wants that. Which is why, when an intrepid reader pointed us to this site, we were hesitant to talk shit. At first. We saw “Women’s Christian” in the title and said, “hold up.” We don’t want to get into religious discussions, and we really don’t want to be viewed as misogynistic, so we were hesitant to “tear this site apart and see what final stroke will finally kill it” as our reader suggested. But then we read “Temperance Union” and just three neat whiskeys and one Wikipedia search later, we were enraged.
Not only are these damn Jesus bitches trying to stop us from drinking…well , no, that’s the main reason why we have an issue with them. That and the fact that their webmaster must have died in an unfortunate geocities mudslide back in 1998 because, goddamn, just look at this screenshot.
Look, we have these “intelligent phones” the youths are using nowadays!
So the gloves are off. We’re not even declaring a blog war here, we’re starting a real life war, because these people will not be allowed to touch our booze. No siree. So get ready, as…
AFFotD Takes on the Women’s Christian Temperance Union
Posted in Drunk People
Tagged America, BLOG WAR!, flying spaghetti monster, temperance union, WCTU, Women's Christian Temperance Union
“Quentin? Respect.”
~Teddy Roosevelt
Many of you following our Teddy’s Tots feature have no doubt thought to yourselves, “Wow, so these kids were all born in the 1800s, a decade lousy with child mortality rates, and so far all of his children have lived to be older than fifty, and in one case, ninety years old. Didn’t only one of Abraham Lincoln’s four children survive into adulthood?” That’s…yes that’s true. Wow, you know your shit. Well then you probably knew that Teddy Roosevelt’s youngest child was the one to live the shortest? You did?
Well then you also know that Quentin Roosevelt managed to fit more badass in twenty years of life than most professional bear wrestlers. That’s why we are proud to present, the sixth and final chapter in the Teddy’s Tots series, with…
Quentin Roosevelt Was The Favorite
Posted in Teddy's Tots
Tagged America, Quentin Roosevelt, Teddy Roosevelt, Teddy's Tots
“I’m not saying that if you go home with me tonight you will end up as an integral part of a compost heap, but I did once invent a diaper for a parrot.”
~U.S. Patent Holders
We’ve on three previous occasions done our best to warn you about future Jigsaw-like serial killers by posting about the most insane patents that can partially be blamed on the failings of our current mental healthcare system. Yes, that image up there is ear-warmers for a poodle. Yes, the ear on the right is noticeably lower than the left, giving you the impression that this product actually slightly mutilates the dog. Yes, someone spent months preparing this patent, and spent nights where the last thought they had before going to sleep was a hopeful dream about the fame and riches they would get from their patent. Holy shit, that’s depressing.
There are over eight million patents that have been issued in the United States as of the writing of this article, and just like when you see eight million lobsters you occasionally end up with some blue ones, when you get eight million patents you get a few distressing cries for help. Well, it’s actually a lot more common than the whole blue lobster thing. ‘Cause there are a lot more insane patents than there are blue lobsters. Anyway, onto the insanity.
“Come on, you know no one gives a crap about what happened on any day in December other than Christmas.”
~You, the reader
Can you feel that in the air? That soft cold embrace from winter? “No, I actually live in the southern half of the United States, it’s still quite warm” okay well fuck you, you’re clearly not the target demographic for that sentence. “Yeah but I’m still like half of the nation’s population” just, okay? Okay? We were trying to be poetic and you ruined it, you suck.
Today’s Date in American History
Posted in Today in American History
“Keep on reaching, little guy.”
~Yes. Keep on reaching.
Every Saturday we tend to half-ass and piece together an article with a picture slapped on it, because it’s Saturday and we treat Fridays like Americans should- by getting mindlessly drunk and possibly threatening to punch a fucker in the face. (Yeah we’re talking to you. You know who you are. Come at us, bro. Come at us.)
But every once and a while we take a moment to salute the future, because we all know that eventually, our future Americans will be just as American as us. Here is one of those moments.
Have a great weekend, everybody.
Posted in Saturday Image of the Week
“Well, you know what they say about us Roosevelts. We have powers and we can destroy you with a thought.”
~Teddy Roosevelt
We at America Fun Fact of the Day have enjoyed bringing you our series on Teddy Roosevelt’s children, Teddy’s Tots. You’ve learned so far about Alice’s pet snake, Teddy Jr.’s storming of Normandy with a cane, Kermit’s desire to explore Indiana Jones settings, and Ethel’s humanitarianism. It’s safe to say that every Roosevelt child was able to be exceptional in his or her own special way. Which is why, before we address the impressive achievements of Archibald Roosevelt, the fifth of six Roosevelt children, we must protest the sorry state of his Wikipedia entry as of the writing of this fun fact.
We like our Americans like we like our women- strong, empowered, and easily looked up on Wikipedia (here’s looking at you, Barbara Bush). That’s why we shudder to think that the writer of Archibald Roosevelt’s early life section is either illiterate or, worse, foreign. Just look at this screen grab.
We mean, come on Wikipedia editors, this is a Roosevelt we’re talking about here. Listen, we’re no fans of grammar here, but we at least try to avoid sentances that make you feel like you’ve had a stroke when you read them out loud. Honestly, “Growing up Archie was very close to his brother Quentin and favorite of all times”? Do you mean to say that Archie was closer to his younger brother Quentin more than his other siblings? “But Ted Jr. for Ethel would tell their mother, Edith, and she would be in big trouble for that”? Uh…we can’t even piece that out. Do you understand? Our editor in chief is related to the person you are talking about in this article and even he doesn’t know what’s going on!
“As for his smartness, Archie was an avid reader and very smart at putting puzzles together pretty fast and such”? Okay now you’re just fucking with us, Wikipedia. Is this because we won’t listen to your founders “passionate plea” for donations for the third time in four years? You know what, we don’t want to dwell on this, it’ll just ruin our day, so why don’t we just cut right to the good stuff with this, part 5 of our 6 part Teddy’s Tots series…
Archibald Roosevelt’s Knee Fought For Freedom
Posted in Teddy's Tots
Tagged America, Archibald Roosevelt, Archie Roosevelt, Teddy Roosevelt, Teddy's Tots, World War II
“I make my own mayonnaise. I do this either because I am pretentiously gourmet, or because I am technically too fat to fit out my door and run to the grocery store. You decide.”
~It’s the second one
Imagine a swimming pool filled with Mayonnaise. No, seriously, picture it. You can’t get it out of your head now, can you? And be honest with us- you’ve never once thought about that. You’ve never wondered to yourself, “I wonder what it would look like if you filled a swimming pool with Mayonnaise.” And now you can’t stop thinking about it. That is our gift to you.
Yes Mayo is an integral part of America’s culinary tradition. While it shockingly was not invented in America, it clearly was invented ahead of its time, since it’s a product clearly meant for America. Come on, it’s 85% fat, and has 700 calories for every 100 grams of it. Holy hell, that’s glorious. So we’re going to only touch on the European-y origins of this thing, and focus on…
The American History of Mayonnaise
America Fun Fact of the Day 