Category Archives: Strange America

The History of the Kentucky Meat Shower

“Haha, holy shit, I did not mean to do that.”

~God

The world is filled with mysterious events that often defy explanation.  As much as we crave order and reason, there are still occurrences out there that we can only guess the causes of.  The Bermuda Triangle, the last flight of Amelia Earhart, Angelina Jolie’s marriage to Billy Bob Thorton, all of these are riddles that may never provide us with an answer.  Sometimes, these mysteries are mundane or eerie.  And sometimes, there are mysteries that are so American we have no choice but to embrace them.

Like, for example, an event involving meat raining down from the sky.  When something like that happens in America, you know we at AFFotD are ready to spring into action and inform the living hell out of you all.  Really, there’s no stopping us from teaching you about…

The History of the Kentucky Meat Shower

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Money From America’s Past

“Am I allowed take a bath in all the printed money before we send it out?”

~The U.S. Mint

Many people believe that “money makes the world go round” (of course the American thinker Greg Galileo would tell you that Atlas’ rippling shoulder muscles make the world go round, but we digress) but what they of course mean to say is that American money can get you anything you want.  Panama, Ecuador, and El Salvador all actually use America’s money as their own currency, and American currency has always been the strongest, most stable currency in the world (and for those of you saying that the dollar is “weak” and that “Canada’s dollar is now more valuable” we say…shut up shut up we can’t hear you lalalalala).

But as badass as American money is (shut up, European Union) American dollar bills from the past were even more badass.  How could they be more badass than what we have now, you might wonder.  Hell, our cheapest dollar bill still has George Washington’s laser vision on the damn thing.  Was earlier currency worth, like a billion dollars?

Okay maybe not so much, but early dollars featured sideboob and electricity, which our current bills are sorely lacking.  That’s why we’re going to take a glimpse into the past and examine…

Money From America’s Past

 

Gangsta.

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Jack-o-Lanterns: Only American When You Use Pumpkins

Wait, you stab it, gut it, and put fire inside it?  Is this something kids do, or serial killers?”

~That’s a good point, actually

Halloween is just around the corner.  Sure it’s still a few weeks away, but it’s gonna be here soon enough that many of you have already planned your costumes, and have a rough idea of where you will go to celebrate it.  And a handful of you have stopped shaving so your facial hair can be used for your eventual costume.  Two weeks of being unable to hit on people will be worth it when they see that pirate beard you’re rocking at the end of October.  Well, it probably won’t, but this is a season where we aide delusions.

Needless to say, the Godless aspects of AFFotD loves the pagan-try of Halloween, so here is yet another AFFotD trying to make Halloween all about us.

With Jack-O’-Lanterns, motherfuckers!

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Copper Theft, America’s Favorite Crime

“So what if this is a live power station, I’m gonna get this copper wire if it kills m…”

~Last words of this fucker

 

Discovery and profit are no longer mutually inclusive terms.  In fact, as the world gets larger in population but smaller in innovation, the concept of striking it rich and encountering unforeseeable treasures becomes increasingly fantastical.  Gone is the thrill of Magellan’s exploration of uncharted land, increasingly improbable is the opportunistic zeal of the California Gold Rush.

But Americans love adventure, and even more than that, they love earning a lot of money without needing anything as far as “noticeable skill sets” go.  Actually, we don’t even care too much for adventure- mixing alcohol with codeine is all the adventure most of us need for any given weekend- but we do love getting money we don’t earn.  And by that, we mean stealing.  And while you might need some amount of intelligence to con someone, you don’t need to have anything more than a moving truck to earn money in a way that an increasing amount of Americans are (illegally) doing.

Yup, we’re stealing the shit out of copper wire.  And we’re here to salute that.

When you google image search “stealing copper” you see a disturbing amount of charred corpses.  So here’s a picture of a baby bunny rabbit instead.

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How Americans Can Con a John: An American Guide to Grifting

“Boy that’s a right nice dog yer got there.”

~A not-honest-John


We once accidentally stumbled onto a track by a British (ugh) group called “The Streets” which was called, “Never Con an Honest John.”  The entire song was step-by-step directions on how to grift someone using a dog from the kennel and convincing a stranger to assume the dog is worth several thousand dollars before tricking him into trying to buy it from you.  That’s because British people suck, and centering your scam around a dog is no way to go through life, EnglandGod.

That scam is called the Pedigree Dog, and it basically hinges on whether or not the bartender or store owner you leave the dog with is greedy.  You have the victim watch a stray dog you bring in on a leash, and have another con artist come in and claim to be a dog breeder willing to pay top dollar for the dog.  The victim greedily tries to buy the dog from you for less than the expert will pay, and the expert never comes back, leaving you with cash, and him stuck with a dog.

This is a fairly obvious example of a Con Job.  Like the great American film The Sting, swindling gullible and greedy people for money is a classic American institution.  While it seems unrealistic that someone would fall for this particular Con (some Con Men prefer to use a violin for this scam instead of, you know, a living goddamn creature), they absolutely do.

And we support the hell out of it.

And here’s to you, Mrs. Robbing-son

The term “Con Man” is short for “Confidence Man” because they have to gain the confidence of their mark, or target, in order to succeed.  And while we think that the Pedigree Dog is not that good of a con, and hate that we found out about it through the British, we do agree with the sentiment that you should never con an honest John, and therefore feel it is the duty of every American to know how to take advantage of those greedy-yet-naïve pillars of our society.  That’s why we are here with…

AFFotD’s Official Guide to Grifting, Conning, and Swindling

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The Army Smells Like General Patton

“Smells like PTSD.”

~The Army


When Americans are asked what they want to smell like, they tend to respond with slightly worried silence.  We understand that, it’s weird.  It’s personal.  And there’s no way to answer the question without sharing far more about yourself than you’d otherwise be comfortable doing.  If you say you want to smell “like rose and cinnamon” you probably are somewhat feminine and prefer sweet breakfasts over savory ones.  If you say you prefer the smell of axe body spray, you’re a douchebag.  If you respond by saying, “I want to smell like ropes and pepper spray,” uh, Jesus Christ you’re a kidnapper aren’t you?  Holy shit, you totally are.  You totally are.

So we’re not here to ask America what it wants to smell like.  We’d like to guess bourbon and cigar smoke, but maybe that’s just the optimist in us.  We’d at least feel pretty confident saying that “like General Patton” would be pretty low on most people’s list.

But the joke’s on you, because not only is there cologne that smells like General Patton, but there’s a whole line of colognes meant to smell like each branch of the American Military!  Because gimmicks are the only reason why we buy anything!

Which actually helps explain the popularity of T.G.I. Fridays.

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Holy Smoke Bullets are PEOPLE!

“*Unintelligible rage gargle*”

~Steven Seagal


America knows how to do vengeance pretty well.  Sure, England burned down our White House, but we helped shut down their longest running newspaper.  Yeah, Japan sneak attacked us at Pearl Harbor, but…you know…boom.  Once we figured out how much of a scam Columbia Record Club was, we ran those bastards out of business.  The point is, America loves getting even almost as much as it loves fatty food, and lord knows how America loves its fatty food.  In fact, if there’s only one thing that overshadows our insatiable revenge-fueled blood lust, it’s our pure-insanity driven invention ideas.

Now, we don’t talk about guns a lot here, because normally we’re busy eating double cheeseburgers, and we’re legally prohibited from discussing certain grease related accidental gun discharges until the judge sets a court date.  But, guns are extremely exciting for most Americans, and are even better than alcohol at artificially inflating your self-esteem.

We’re not gun nuts or anything, we just want to point out that Die Hard would have been a lot less exciting if Bruce Willis was using mace or a tazer or something.  Which is why our interest was piqued when we saw the perfect insane American invention that takes all the confidence building of guns, all the craziness of most of our inventions, and combines the two to scoop out delicious ladles-full of vengeance.

What we’re trying to say is…some glorious bastards in Alabama decided to make bullets out of dead people.

Lock and load, motherfuckers.

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The Boston Molasses Disaster of 1919

“It’s EVERYWHERE!  Oh God…it’s so STICKY…”

~Boston, 1919

Americans are not above tragedy.  Even the most American of us have been knocked down in their prime, while others slowly fade away into obscurity.  But one thing remains constant, there are certain fates that feel more American to befall an individual than others.  Various cultures have their own cultural expectations for loss, and some tragedies can be painted with a silver lining that can give solace to the rest of us.  When a building collapses, it shocks and saddens us, but when we find out that an aggressive orgy was the reason for the building’s collapse, we at least knew that the victims went down swinging.

Which brings us to one of the most delicious fatal disasters in American history.  We are referring to, of course, the Boston Molasses Disaster of 1919.

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America’s Dumbest Laws #6-10

“This’ll stop them there idiots.”

~New Mexican Legislature

As we discussed in yesterday’s fun fact, there are a lot of dumb laws out there.  So for every law like “Don’t kill people,” there’s an equally stupid law like, “Don’t kill endangered animals.”

And of course, there are the following dumb laws as well…

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America’s Dumbest Laws #1-5

“We can only hope that someday, a law will come that will be more idiotic than this law which we are trying to pass.”

~Every member of the Temperance Movement

We live in a society of rules and laws, but we exist as a society that would prefer to ignore the ones we don’t agree with.  And generally, law enforcement officers don’t care about the laws that we ignore, unless outdated definitions of brothels are involved, but even then Americans just find a way around it.  The fact is, many laws have been enacted in this fine land over the past 130 plus years (wait…2011 minus 1776 is…yeah that sounds about right) and not all of them aged particularly well.  But, instead of replacing them, we leave them on the books so that they can just stare at us, looking silly, watching us laugh at them.  Sorta like Andy Kaufman.

You had us at that one time you said that thing with the funny accent.

Since the AFFotD office has a running “felony” pool, we like to track some of the more obscure laws in the land for when we want to add something to our list of committed crimes, while avoiding most legal repercussions.  Maybe the way we keep score for our  “Who committed the most crimes” today game is faulty, but technically manslaughter is worth as many points as getting a fish drunk in Ohio.  So that’s why we’re here to each and every American heart out there the ways that they’ve been breaking the law, without even realizing it, in today’s edition of…

AFFotD’s Most Ridiculous American Laws of America

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