Category Archives: Miscellaneous America

Do you want to know about America’s craziest patents? How about our worst reality TV shows? Are you curious about competitive beard growing? Do you wonder what that weird boil looking thing on your back is? We can tell you about all of those things (except the last one) and much much more in our Miscellaneous America section.

In Defense Of Roger Goodell And The NFL’s Replacement Referees

Posted on September 27, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Derp de derp I don’t know what pants are.”

~NFL Replacement Referees

America is founded on the tradition of people getting to be on TV for being worse at life than everyone.  It is with that intrepid spirit that the National Football League decided that their current crop of referees were doing too much “officiating” and “ensuring that games don’t break down into melees involving dozens of giant men” for their liking, and they hired the various descendants of Mr. Magoo to help fill in.  While the NFL is still negotiating vigorously to reach a compromise on a reasonable price, they’ve still been unable to procure the rights to Yakety Sax so we’ve not yet gotten to see the replacement referees the way Roger Goodell intended.

But as an organization that has made a name for themselves through their tireless commitment to the art of going to work drunk, we here at AFFotD are here to offer our full support to these trailblazers of ineptitude.  Because no matter how bad they are at their jobs, Blockbuster managers had to go somewhere after they drove their business into the ground, right?  And no matter how culpable Roger Goodell might appear in all of this, if America was founded on the belief that evil, egotistical, megalomaniacal men shouldn’t hold positions of power, there’d be a lot fewer Chinese corpses buried along our railroad lines.  And with that, we offer you…

In Defense Of Roger Goodell And The NFL’s Replacement Referees
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Wherein AFFotD Attempts a Civil Examination of GQ Magazine’s Assertions of America’s Greatness

Posted on August 23, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Well, let’s just see where this goes…”

~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief

AFFotD loves America, which is why our coverage of all things American have been so well received.  We’ve won the Pulitzer or some shit like that, but we’ve always stayed true to our roots, and that is being your go-to source for all things that are great about America.  And like the half-blind Seabiscuit jockey kept telling us in that Spiderman movie, with great power comes great responsibility.

It’s with that intrepid spirit that we make a point to check what other so-called reputable publications say about America.  While these often bring us to the precipice of homicidal rage, we try to keep an open mind while educating Americans what really matters about their country.

That’s why, when GQ decided to write an article called “50 Things America Does Better Than Anyone Anywhere Else” we were cautiously optimistic, if for no other reason than the fact that we approved of their questionable grammatical syntax.  So we figured we’d give this list the benefit of the doubt, and run through it blind, only interjecting when we strongly agree or disagree with GQ’s assertions of the particular item’s “Americanness.”

So here goes nothing.  Civility is the name of the game.

Wherein AFFotD Attempts a Civil Examination of GQ Magazine’s Assertions of America’s Greatness

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AFFotD’s Guide To Going To Baseball Games

Posted on August 8, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Take me out to the…oh God, I’m so drunk right now…”

~Harry Caray

 

Baseball is an American pastime that is surprisingly similar to our love of cool-whip based salads—other nations might not understand why we love it so much, but that just serves to remind us why we’re the best nation in the world and every other nation is a bunch of defense-budget-ignoring pansies.  Yes, baseball is a uniquely American sport that somehow still maintains its popularity despite taking three-to-four hours to play a game in an era where attention spans are so short they oh look spaghetti!

Still, Americans love baseball, and have followed it from its booze-and-coke filled beginnings, throughout its amphetamines-binging phase in the 70s and 80s, and all the way through its current steroids-and-oh-yeah-still-sometimes–coke-incarnation.  And why the fascination with a sport where every player spends the majority of the game in a stationary position?  Well, it helps that going to a ballgame is the most American activity one can skip work for.

It is with that intrepid American spirit that we gather our resources (get drunk and watch a baseball game) to give you the appropriate guide with all you’d need to know about going to a baseball game.  Because summer will be over soon, and we don’t want to hear you bitching about how you wish you had gone outside more.

AFFotD’s Guide To Going To Baseball Games

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AFFotD Summer Olympics Viewing Guide

Posted on August 2, 2012 | Leave a comment

“J-I-N-G-O and Jingo was his name-o!”

~Olympics!

Every two years, Americans gather around their television sets to root for a bunch of sports that are either stupid but fun (Winter) or largely stupid (Summer) with the single goal of flipping the bird to every other country while saying, “We’re better than you in every possible way.”  The Olympics are beautiful, and the closest we can come to Manifest Destiny without the ACLU being all up on our asses.  It also helps remind us why China is a terrifying force who we have to defeat, lest they get cocky and we find ourselves in a Red Dawn situation.

As the Summer Olympics come and pass, and everyone spends two weeks pretending to care about gymnastics, running, and swimming, we are here to give you a handy guide of what American sports you should enjoy during the Olympics, and which sports you should avoid at all costs.

AFFotD’s Official Summer Olympics Guide

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Big Face Animal Shirts: More Designs From The Home of the Three Wolf Moon

Posted on July 11, 2012 | 7 comments

“Now if we can only find a way to sew in a shake-n-bake Mountain Dew bottle in these things, we’ll be giving our demographic everything they could possibly ask for!”

~The Mountain

Last August, our staff woke up from our normal position of “passed out on the bourbon and tear stained carpet of our office floor” to find a package at the door.  After having our bomb-detectors/interns-who-open-our mail-blindly ensure this wasn’t another mail bomb from PETA (Come at us, bro!  Still here man!), we opened it to find a slew of shirts, a few gnawed-on sticks of venison jerky, an American flag bandana that reeked of gasoline and red phosphorous, and a few crumbled up cans of Watermelon flavored Four Loko.  We were instantly excited when we looked at the shirts, which were the most gloriously absurd American creations we had ever encountered.  Yes, we are referring to the Big Face Animal T-Shirt line from The Mountain, self-proclaimed as “America’s Greatest T-Shirt Company!” and more accurately, the “Home of the Three Wolf Moon™.”

So while we felt good that we were able to help inform you, the enterprising American with a surprisingly large collection of un-ironic trucker hats and household decorative products that have the letters “udweiser” on them, of these glorious shirts, we’ve decided to take another look at the latest offerings from The Mountain, ready to go direct from the internet to your home.  To, eventually, a mug shot for public intoxication and resisting arrest.

Big Face Animal Shirts:  The Second Wave Of Designs

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AFFotD Declares War Against “Fit” Offices

Posted on June 21, 2012 | 1 comment

“I don’t understand the question, doctor.”

~What’s not to understand!?  How often do you exercise a week!?

With obesity on the rise, causing millions of early deaths and costing billions in extra heath care costs, many Americans are making a stance and saying  “enough is enough.”  They want to encourage good eating habits, urge their fellow Americans to exercise, and generally make a concerted effort to ensure that all of us live richer, happier, healthier lives.

The fuck is wrong with these people?

We at AFFotD are here to make an unequivocal stance against this protein-drink fueled do-good-ery.  Listen, if God wanted us to live past the age of 65, he would have made pomegranate juice naturally alcoholic, and would have filled pigs with blood thinners and vitamin B12.  That’s not the way the things we’re supposed to love were made, so why fight it?  Every time you show us a woman pushing 90 as a lifelong vegetarian, we’ll show you a complicated chart that proves that in “American years” she has only lived 5 years, while Jack Kerouac was the oldest American of all time by fitting 150 years of drinking into the amount of time it took the Earth to go around the sun 47 times.

“Listen buddy, I fucked a lot of booze in my time…wait…I drank a lot of women…uh…fuck it, let’s just go driving, guys.”

One of the more pervasive ways that Americans are trying to get their sinful exercise in is to center it around their work day.  While we understand their mindsets here—sweating during the day, we could only assume, would make drinking during the night more enjoyable—we’ll have to rail against it, we shed a tear for every calorie that is not burned getting your liver to process alcohol in your body.  That is why…

AFFotD Declares War Against Fit Offices

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AFFotD Brand American Scented Candles

Posted on June 5, 2012 | 1 comment

“I like my candles like I like my women.  On fire.”

~Jesus Christ, that took a fuckin’ TURN

Ever since America karate chopped darkness with the invention of the light bulb, candles have been relegated from “essential light source/ occasional house fire starter” to “novelty scented items to help get you laid, or to mask the odor of particularly skunky weed.”  Usually they try to make your room smell like lavender or lilac or whatever the fuck purple is supposed to smell like.  To say that most candles cater to the specific demographic of “women, and the men who are trying to sleep with them” would be like saying that bullets are primarily marketed towards gun owners.

But lately, entrepreneurs have tried to capitalize on an untapped market of American men who want their rooms to smell like various manly, American things.  That’s why you get to see a 13-year-old selling candles that smell like bacon, new mitt, and grandpa’s pipe, or Yankee Candle releasing candles that smell like “First Down” and “2×4.”

America Fun Fact of the Day salutes these ventures, and just like the American inventor of the aforementioned light bulb, we see it as our divine duty to take this idea that other people have worked tirelessly on, tweak it a little, and declare it our own.  So here goes our latest business venture.

For Sale:  AFFotD Brand American Scented Candles

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Mummified Human Body Parts On Display Throughout The World

Posted on May 29, 2012 | Leave a comment

“You’re doing what with my what!?”

~American Civil War Soldier

You know when you’re mowing your lawn and you stumble across something gross or unpleasant?  It can be pretty shocking, right?  Like, “Oh just mowing the lawn and HOLY SHIT THERE’S A DEAD BAT!”  That totally happened to one of our staff members.  He didn’t run it over, but he was tempted.

Anyway, no matter what you’ve ever accidentally stumbled across, be it dog shit or a DVD of Carrot Top: Rocks Las Vegas, you have nothing on a lone American farmer who discovered a severed arm after the battle of Antietam.  How do we know this happened?  Because unlike most sane individuals, this farmer decided to dunk the arm in brine, and it’s still around to this very day, having just been donated to a Civil War Museum.

Wait, what?  Well, time for us to launch into our newest segment…

Hey America, That’s Gross.  Stop It!:  The Severed Civil War Arm On Display At A Museum 

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The Aurora, Texas UFO Incident Totally Existed (Just Stop Asking About It, Okay?)

Posted on May 10, 2012 | 1 comment

“I’m not saying it’s aliens, but it’s not aliens.”

~Sensible Americans

As long as there are tin-foil manufacturers, telescopes, or Los Angeles plastic surgeons, people are going to assume that aliens exist and walk among us.  While the passing of Michael Jackson lessened the ranks of true “believers” there will always be Americans who devote their lives to convincing you that aliens are real and are totally into butt stuff.  From the Battle of Los Angeles to Roswell, these (probably bearded.  Why are they always bearded?) Americans will point to numerous instances of aliens being seen in our skies.

Of course, everything comes bigger in Texas, and everything came crazier in the 1800s, so that’s why we’re going to examine one of the earlier instances of UFO spotting in America, as we discuss…

The Aurora, Texas UFO Incident Totally Existed (Just Stop Asking About It, Okay?)

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AFFotD Book Review: DNA Nannies by Fidel Faddle

Posted on May 3, 2012 | 1 comment

“This is either the best book, or the worst book, that I’ve ever read.  But to be fair, I’ve never read a full book.”

~AFFotD’s Official Book Reviewer

Yes, it takes a lot for a “book” to grab our attention and make us start to “read” it.  Unless that book is blatantly xenophobic, or, you know, actually just a beer, it’s tough to motivate us into stringing together the various printed words and comprehending the “action” that we’re implored to use our “imagination” and “stop drinking for just one damn minute.”  Well, even when we read we know better than to do it sober.

Of course, we quickly changed our tune (well, except for the “reading while drunk, only” thing, that’s pretty non-negotiable) as soon as we saw the cover for DNA Nannies, available for download through the Kindle and written by “Pseudonym: Fidel Faddle.”  Yes, this creative genius decided that the best alias he could come up with would be “Fidel Faddle,” which in no way tells us that this book was written by a 65 year old man with delusions of grandeur.  But we’ll get to that later.

Just look at that cover!  Wall Street!  Statue!  Wall Street again!  Uh, Wall Street in the 20s!  LOG CABINS!  Galaxies!  UFOs!  Tits!  TITS!  This book has to be the best book ever, right?

Well, there’s only one way to find out.

AFFotD Book Review:  DNA Nannies by Fidel Faddle

…did we mention the tits?

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