Tag Archives: Whiskey

[REDACTED] Tries to Write About Cricket

Posted on March 3, 2011 | 6 comments

“What do you mean I’m not ‘allowed’ to quit!?”

~[REDACTED]

Two weeks ago, we took an investigative reporter, whose name we had to redact for obvious reasons, and let him loose in a Vegan restaurant.  Last week, we felt like we had to make it up to him, so we gave him a night full of whiskey and boots.  Of course, we also tricked him into signing a contract making him our permanent fixture as an investigative journalist.  Oh, and he can’t sue us, no matter what stresses we put him through.  So we figured we’d do the American thing…and abuse our new found freedom.  Enjoy writing a review of a game of Cricket, [REDACTED], you jackass.

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Wherein AFFotD Discovers an Erroneous Discussion of America’s Greatness By a Dastardly Foe of the Moniker “The Health Ranger” Who Threatens Our Very Way of American Excellence Through Cowardly Ideals

Posted on February 21, 2011 | 6 comments

“Seriously, are you guys going out of your way to find articles like this just to piss me off?”

~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief

Other publications pretend to know what’s “American” (COUGH FORTUNE MAGAZINE COUGH), and they generally have distressing views on what they feel makes this country great.  Rarely is whiskey mentioned, knife fighting is virtually nonexistent, and C. Dale Petersen as always remains below the radar (which, to be fair, is how he prefers it).  But it’s not every day that we stumble across an article that leaves us convinced that it is an act of sabotage against the American way of awesomeness.  An article that is so inconceivably un-American that to call it “Why America is Still a Great Place to Live:  Thirteen Things I Love About this Country” is more insulting to us than watching someone take a piss on the National Monument.  But here we have Mike Adams, who goes by the name “The Health Ranger,” deciding to tell us what’s great about America for a site called…Natural News?  Just take a look at all the things that are wrong about this picture.

First of all…nature?  Fuck nature.  How many times do we have to say that?  Plus, the site has more half-assed ads for questionable products meant to rip you off than a Scientology phone book.  But look in the top left corner (wait…shit, which one is left…Make the L’s, make the L’s with your hands) yeah, the top left corner.  Do you see what we see?  CHINESE!?  SPIES!  THEY’RE SPIES!  When we’re all stuck speaking Chinese in 2035, you can blame Natural News for paving the way.

So right off the bat, we have some concerns.  Plus, everything is green, but it’s that “Save mother Gaia” bullshit shade of green, not that “Money, bitches!” shade of green.  Besides, the title seems to imply that there’s something wrong with loving America.  Why did he throw the word “still” in there?  It should be “Why America is a Great Place to Live” with a picture of someone doing push-ups with one hand while chugging a beer.  We…hesitantly began reading the article, even though the author sort of looks like Lance Armstrong if he had been born in Wisconsin and once got out of date rape charges.

“Ha ha!  Plausible Deniability!”

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Posted in America's Greatest Fun Facts, China

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Popcorn Sutton, Moonshining Hero

Posted on February 19, 2011 | 7 comments

“I’ll get ya drunk faster than a pie’ll get yanked from a windowsill.”

~Marvin “Popcorn” Sutton

While the America Fun Fact of the Day offices break numerous laws, regulations, and religious commandments on a daily basis (Hell, just to get into our lobby you have to punch the captured endangered Condor that we have caged up as a door handle) we tend to find it unnerving when our activities that we believe to be “legal” are, in fact, not.  In this case, apparently moonshining is illegal.  Not only is it illegal, it’s been explicitly illegal since the 19th century.  This was conveniently overlooked by the man who helped us install our moonshining operation, Marvin “Popcorn” Sutton, who was even more American than we could have possibly imagined.  And that’s saying something, because he looked like this.

That beard is so glorious that OTHER beards live in his beard.

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Posted in Drinkers

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Michael Malloy, Super-Hobo

Posted on February 14, 2011 | 5 comments

“Why won’t he die?  WHY WON’T HE DIE!?”

~The Murder Trust, 1933

It’s a shocking truth that, some great Americans?  Were not born in America.  Hell, Bob Hope, the man who made it a life passion to entertain American troops, was born in England.  We’re not elitists, we’re Americans, and we recognize that this is a melting pot, and that if you truly embrace what it means to be an American, it doesn’t matter where you were born.  Such is the case of the most glorious homeless man in the history of America, Michael Malloy.

Who was Michael Malloy, you may ask?  Only an Irish-American who was as impossible to kill as Rasputin, if Rasputin knew how to hold his liquor.  Born in Ireland, Malloy once worked as a Fireman before coming to America and inventing crippling alcoholism.  He died in 1933 at the age of 60, after a series of failed murder attempts at the hands of The Murder Trust.  While the death of a great, booze guzzling hero is always a tragedy, if you’re gonna go down, you might as well go down at the hands of a group as awesomely named as “The Murder Trust.”  The only way Michael Malloy’s obituary could have read any more awesome is if his cause of death had been listed as “advanced age and sexual encounters with twelve women in one night.”

Especially if he was dressed as a Stormtrooper, but ESPECIALLY if he was dressed as a Stormtrooper.

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Posted in Drunk People, England

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