Tag Archives: America

The Strangest Pizza Hut Menu Items In The World

Posted on May 1, 2012 | 15 comments

“Pizza Hut:  Taste The Rainbow!”

~Okay, you got us, we’re not particularly knowledgeable about advertising slogans

Pizza chains are a staple of American society.  They give us the ability to not have to leave the house when the game is on and we’re “legally” too day-drunk to drive, they afford us a convenient, no-silverware way to jam as much sodium and grease-based calories into our systems as humanly possible, and most of all, well, pizza is just fucking delicious.  And while Papa Johns might earn our favor by using the Super Bowl as an excuse to give you free pizza, and Domino’s is doing its best to stop people from calling everything “artisanal,” Pizza Hut will always hold the crown as America’s leaders in cheese stuffed saucy goodness.

Yes, Pizza Hut has been stuffing our gullets since 1958, and ever since has innovated how we look at pizza, from the stuffed crust pizza to the stuffed TOPPING pizza.  As Pizza Hut has become bigger and more international, however, they have expanded their menus to accommodate non-American tastes.  While sometimes this involves pizza products that we wish they sold here in America, more often than not, these new international Pizza Hut dishes involve terrifying reminders of why every other nation except for America (and, we guess, some of those Europe countries) considers food preparation as a challenge to see who can offend God’s culinary sensibilities the most.  Hint, it’s probably going to end up being Japan.

It’s always Japan.

The Strangest Pizza Hut Menu Items In The World

 

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Posted in Pizza Pizza, Strange Foods, The Rest of Them

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The Informative American’s Guide To The Homosexuality Virus (originally published January, 1956)

Posted on April 26, 2012 | 2 comments

“…Oh yeah, this one…does not age well…”

~Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt, upon reading this enclosed issue of The Informative American

Sometimes, the best way to make yourself a better American is to address the mistakes of your past.  This is a subtle way to say that in the 1950’s, even though some views that were casually aired might today seem “fucked up,” they still at least offer us something to learn from.  And just because AFFotD used to exist in the 1950’s as a bi-weekly pamphlet called The Informative American doesn’t mean that we agree with the ones that we bring out of the archives and post.  Some of them?  Yes.  Communists are the worst.  Recycling is terrible.  Women…oh no, wait, yeah we don’t endorse that one.  Just pretend we didn’t mention that one.  Carry on.

Anyway, the following post, written by lead-paint damaged, emotionally crippled Americans in 1956, is an example of something not to take at face value, but to learn from.  Because this is a very narrow minded, extremely out of date, frankly surprisingly hateful even for the time it was written article about homosexuality.  Hot button topic, we know.   And by hot button topic we mean, “Of course gay people deserve the same rights as everyone else—this isn’t Iran, this is America.”  AFFotD is an equal opportunity employer, and we embrace all creeds, races, ethnicities, and orientations.  Except for the French.  Fuck the French.

Plus, we don’t mean to go all “studies find homophobes are more likely to be closeted homosexuals” on this, but that might explain some of the, erm, extreme rhetoric used in this article.

Don’t say we didn’t warn you.  But just to warn you again—this is clearly the opposite of how you should view this topic.  Clearly.

The Informative American’s Guide To The Homosexuality Virus (originally published January, 1956)     

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Posted in The Informative American

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The Greatest Hits of Gary Busey’s Twitter Feed

Posted on April 24, 2012 | 2 comments

“Gary Busey!”

~Gary Busey

Gary Busey is an American actor who is equal parts teeth and motorcycle accident, an Academy Award nominated thespian who has been working in Hollywood for the last 40 years.  He also looks like he pooped his pants, but is kind of proud about it, in every picture that’s been taken of him in the past 20 years.  The man needs no introduction, as he has been the toothy madman of Hollywood for as long as we can remember, and we’d not have it any other way.

We bring that up because we had an office party here at AFFotD headquarters last night, the theme of which was apparently (we think) “drink so much that you don’t remember what the theme of the party was supposed to be.”  So our staff is pretty out of sorts at the moment, and when we need a hangover pick-me-up, we like to google Gary Busey.  It might seem random and confusing, but when you stumble onto sites like this, you sort of realize the joy of doing this.

Well, today we found something magical.  We found the official twitter feed of Gary Busey.  It’s exactly what you’d expect from a famous crazy person with brain damage, and nothing would make us happier than to pool together our hungover resources to dig through each inane 140-character-or-less ramble and pick out the best for you, the (we’re assuming) hungover American.

You’re welcome.

The Greatest Hits of Gary Busey’s Twitter Feed

“Hi, I’m Gary Busey, I’ll be your caterpillar today.”

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Posted in The Best of the Rest

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10 of the Highest Blood Alcohol Levels of All Time

Posted on April 16, 2012 | 51 comments

“I’m not as officer as you drunk I am, vomit.”

~America’s Drunks

We’ve been told that alcohol can be lethal when taken in large enough doses.  We know, that sounds counter-intuitive, but bear with us.  As everyone who has purchased a breathalyzer from Sharper Image for parties and making sad, sad nights by yourself more justifiable by saying you’re “doing research” can attest, when you get to a BAC of about .2, you’re going to stop remembering things.  Knowing that, it makes slightly more sense that Wikipedia would list the side effects of a “>0.50 BAC” as “death.”

But this is America, goddamn it.  You know there have to be supermen (and women!  Don’t forget those ladies!) who can survive alcohol levels that can kill a rhino.  And while the staff of AFFotD has never made the news for being busted with a lethal BAC, many Americans have, and we’re here to salute them.

Sort of.

Well, we’re going to salute them in the same way you salute someone trying to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel.  Because, damn you guys, when we think you drank too much, you know you’re in trouble.

10 of the Highest Blood Alcohol Levels of All Time

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Posted in America's Greatest Fun Facts, Drunk People

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England’s Hot Dog Stuff Pizza: Would You Like a Side of Nitrates With That?

Posted on April 12, 2012 | 3 comments

“What…no.  How?”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

Every so often our readers will alert us to something that deserves the attention of the average American.  This can be an article, a Wikipedia entry of some sort, or one time it was just a piece of parchment with the words “I love you Jodie” scribbled over and over in blood.  Seriously, John, get over it, she’s not even into dudes.

What we’re trying to say is, sometimes we’re given an article that says, in its headline, everything we would be able to say on the topic.  But does that stop us from going ahead and writing on that topic anyway?  No, of course not, this is America, to us redundancy is just a word that we don’t understand because it has more than three syllables in it (is it, like, a type of cheese?)

The article in question comes from Gizmodo, and states succinctly, “I can’t believe this hot dog stuffed crust pizza isn’t American.”  We can’t either, Gizmodo.  But now we need to know everything that we could possible know about…

England’s Hot Dog Stuff Pizza:  Would You Like a Side of Nitrates With That?

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Posted in England, Pizza Pizza

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Wherein AFFotD Addresses the Concerns of Foreign Nations Regarding American Cuisine, Ultimately Deciding That These Foreigners Are Mistaken in Their Foolish Views

Posted on April 10, 2012 | 2 comments

“That’s not stupid, YOU’RE stupid.”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

We are willing to cede that America isn’t responsible for all of the delicious food available to us, but since we’re stubborn (because, you know, America) we will add the caveat that every delicious food made by other countries has invariably been improved by American tinkering.  Yes, Italy gave us pasta, but we gave them fried ravioli.  China gave us Chinese food, but we removed the dog from it.  French food can go to hell.  You hear us, France?  YOUR FOOD CAN GO TO HELL!

Yet, despite the ability of many countries to make food that is deemed acceptable for American consumption (except for England.  Good God, you Limeys, try inventing a food dish not centered around animal intestines) there are foods out there that are thoroughly terrifying and disgusting.  We’re talking food like ant eggs, boiled sheep head, and tofurkey.  Gross.

That’s when we noticed an article by the Houston Press, which tried to posit that since some people don’t run away shrieking when you offer them a plate full of boiled silkworm pupae, then clearly American foods must be strange to other people.  We’ll say that again.  They are saying that American food is weird.

You know what this means, America.  Set your phasers to rage, we’re going through this list one by one.

15 Foods That Are NOT Weird

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Posted in China, England, France

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Goddamn It Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong: The Kit Kat Bar

Posted on April 5, 2012 | 23 comments

“Gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a piece  of that… OH WHAT THE FUCK, JAPAN!?”

~America

Apart from the Chinese inventing fireworks and Arabs inventing all those boring “math” “innovations” like “the number 0,” America is responsible for inventing everything great that we have in the world.  The light bulb, the internet, the George Foreman Grill, all of these essential and life-changing products were conceived and birthed here in the U S of A.  Unfortunately, as soon as a product has been invented, anyone is free to tinker with it, and often in trying to improve an idea, they poison it.

Yes, we’re talking about Japan.

Specifically, it is Japan’s bastardization of American culinary treats that is both mind boggling, and terrifying.  It must be stopped.  So, we are beginning a new feature, discussing Japan’s terrifying alteration of American products, with…

Goddamn It Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong:  The Kit Kat Bar

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Posted in America's Greatest Fun Facts, Japan

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The American History of Breakfast Cereals

Posted on April 3, 2012 | Leave a comment

“I’m cuckoo for catchphrases!”

~American cereal executives

America doesn’t like to eat food that came from the ground.  The only use we have for grains is if we want something to rest the cheese and sauce of our pizza on, or if we want to burn it into a vapor and distill it into sweet, sweet alcohol.  Yet, despite our dislike of grains, America has found some of the most innovative uses for things such as wheat, corn, and barley.  No, we’re not talking about ethanol and alternative energies, get your head out of your ass, we’re talking about breakfast cereals.  Delicious, sugary, doused in milk cereal.

Cereal is the primary source of hyperactive children and “regular” adults, and it should come as no surprise that a product that can be described as “overly sugared pellet food” was invented in America.  That’s why we’re here to present…

The American History of Breakfast Cereals

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Posted in America's Best Foods

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Best Korea Daily Information For Enjoyment, April 1!

Posted on April 1, 2012 | 1 comment

“The Great Eternal Leader has blessed this day with his many healthy orchards.”

~All who celebrate eternal blessed leader Kim Il-Sung shall sing his praises to the afterlife!

Greetings all who embrace Best Korea and fight to expel the imperialist oppression from nations whose false ideals once did shed sadness into the heart of Great Leader Kim Jong-Il, and continue to sadden Great Successor Kim Jong-un, who just on this day carried ten thousand pounds of strawberries from his personal orchard to ease the suffering of his citizens. As clouds parted and sunshine appeared, great jubilation came forth from these poor peasants, and the Song of remembrance for Great Leader Kim Jong-Il rang into to heavens, causing the sky to smile upon Best Korea and send Earthquakes to our oppressive neighbors to the south. The strawberries, planted by the very hand of the Great Successor himself, made all that consumed it vibrant, and Great Successor gave them all the finest clothing in Best Korea. Look to below and see the happy citizens!

Yes, today is a great day for living in Best Korea, where waters are plentiful and food contains little-to-no worms! As the South Korea imperialist puppet attends economic conferences, sharing hedonistic sex kisses with the Western imperialist dogs, the heavens shine upon Best Korea and all statues of Great Leader, Kim Jong-Il, who never let the Best Korean go hungry with his plentiful wisdom and wide fields of grains, and for whom our tears shed daily out of grief for Great Leader and not for our wretched family members who dared not shed tears in Great Leader’s memory! Our mighty armies will crush all oppressors!

“Tee hee, we laugh at the mighty losses our enemies will face against our invincible armies!”

On this glorious day, we will reward all true citizens of Best Korea with a story on what occurred mere hours ago, by the very ample, informed, and in no way powerless puppet Great Successor. On this day the weather in Best Korea is always sunny and 25 Celsius, while the Southern puppet nation only sees tsunamis and tornadoes for Great Successor, Great Leader and Exalted Eternal Leader do not smile upon its dark imperialistic rat-like ways. Great Successor awoke, and after shedding appropriate number of sincere tears for the memory of Great Leader, played 18 holes of golf, receiving eighteen holes in one for exalted glory! Light shone from his fingers and no child in Best Korea ever suffers from illness!

“Yes, you too have seen the exalted leader’s magnificence! I will now go to Great Korea assistance community of manual employment for possessing contraband, imperialist technologies! Glory to Best Korea and Great Leader!”

Great Successor then went to the shrine of the Eternal Leader, Kim Il-Sung, and from the ground grew bread for every Best Korean, and Great Successor Kim Jung-un did bring forth a shield of protection to repel the lies of the swinedog puppet South Korean lapdogs! All in the land, the Song of Kim Il-Sung resonated in the skies, and the rain that fell, and only the crops were wet, and all the garments of Best Korea stayed dry and in no way spoiled by famine or disease! Glory unto Eternal leader, who smiles at each launched missile that will someday crush the capitalistic oppressors!

“I am only saddened that I cannot die a thousand times over to destroy the Imperialist swine!”

Today the Great Successor will perform a million pushups to maintain his perfectly healthy weight and figure, and in doing so, the ground will receive his blessed weight and reward Best Korea with crops so that they will never suffer or desire to leave to China, and all Imperialist monuments will collapse under the weight of their own hypocrisy!

“Our thunderous applause shall be rewarded a thousand times over by the nurturing care of Great Leader, who shall give each citizen home and oxen!”

Now, as Great Successor has decreed, now we shall sing the song of Best Korea might! For Victory!

All of Best Korea will stand in line

Pleasure is Great Successor’s to give at all times!

Rally for Great Leader, for whom we cry,

Imperialist shall be slaughtered just like swine!

Lasting glory unto Korea Best!

Feasts for all of Great Successor’s people

Omnipotent Great Successor laughs at Southern puppet, feeble

Onwards to continue the Glory of nation’s rest

Lasting glory unto Korea Best!

So we shout, so everyone, can give all our love to Kim Jung-un!

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Posted in North Korea

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The History of the Kentucky Meat Shower

Posted on March 29, 2012 | 13 comments

“Haha, holy shit, I did not mean to do that.”

~God

The world is filled with mysterious events that often defy explanation.  As much as we crave order and reason, there are still occurrences out there that we can only guess the causes of.  The Bermuda Triangle, the last flight of Amelia Earhart, Angelina Jolie’s marriage to Billy Bob Thorton, all of these are riddles that may never provide us with an answer.  Sometimes, these mysteries are mundane or eerie.  And sometimes, there are mysteries that are so American we have no choice but to embrace them.

Like, for example, an event involving meat raining down from the sky.  When something like that happens in America, you know we at AFFotD are ready to spring into action and inform the living hell out of you all.  Really, there’s no stopping us from teaching you about…

The History of the Kentucky Meat Shower

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Posted in Fuck Nature, Strange America

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